Being a Pastor’s Wife Is Not My Job

My husband just wouldn’t drop the idea of being a pastor. I didn’t really want him to give up on it because I believed it was a call in his life to preach and lead a church. On the other hand, I didn’t think he married the right woman for that life. I tried to think through the role I would be asked to take on as He followed God’s will. What makes the pastor’s wife the pastor’s wife?

The Stereotypical Activities

1. She plays piano.

2. She runs the nursery.

3. She leads the ladies Bible study.

4. She takes charge of Vacation Bible School (VBS).

5. She’s a leader in the youth and/or children’s ministry.

6. She doesn’t miss any church functions. If the doors are open, then she’s there.

7. She’s always in the loop with church business.

8. She has a prominent role in the music ministry.

9. She is the head of the hospitality committee.

Currently, of the nine examples I listed, I fulfill zero of the expected roles. It’s not looking good for me, but maybe I can dazzle with my list of defining personal characteristics of a pastor’s wife.

The Stereotypical Personality

1. She never has a bad day. If she did, it would not show.

2. She always has a put-together appearance. This woman is ready to be seen at all times. No pajama days for her.

3. Her children don’t act up in public. They set the bar for behavior at church each Sunday.

4. She has an answer, no matter the question. There’s no problem out of her wheelhouse.

5. A pastor’s wife does not experience frustration or feel overwhelmed.

6. She’s an extrovert and can talk to anyone.

Hmm. If I’m honest, these don’t sound like me either. I would love to be perfectly poised, elegant, endlessly patient, and raise sinless children. Unfortunately, I live in the real world, and my life is a lot messier than that. I hope that these lists are ridiculous to you. I pray that no one actually thinks any woman is all these things, but when people are questioned about the perception of a pastor’s wife they respond with these sorts of lists. Are these the qualifications for a pastor’s wife?

Why Am I Qualified To Be A Pastor’s Wife?

I’m married to the pastor. That’s a bit simplistic, but there’s really no greater qualification than this. When someone asks who the pastor’s wife is they are wanting to know who is married to the pastor. Rocket surgery? Nope.

The other major reason I’m qualified to be a pastor’s wife is my identity in Christ. My husband cannot serve as a pastor while unequally yoked in marriage. So, it is important to note who I am in relation to my salvation. I am a child of God (Rom. 8:14; John 1:12). I am a co-heir with Christ (Gal. 4:7; Rom. 8:17). According to Ephesians 2:10, I am “his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.” I am no longer in bondage to sin (John 8:36; Rom. 6:6). I am my husband’s helper (Gen. 2:18), and boy, sometimes he really needs my help! First Peter 2:9 tells me I’m chosen, and verse 11 reminds me that I am a stranger and pilgrim in this world. Now these sound like me! 

Pastors’ Wives Are Not Made From A Mold

There is one final part of my spiritual identity to mention in this particular conversation. I am a member of the body with a unique role to play (1 Cor. 12:12-31). This fact, to the dismay of many pastors’ wives, is often forgotten or ignored, and I believe it does a lot of damage. I am me, and I have been specially created to be who I am in my personal walk with the Lord. My gifts will differ from those of others, and they might be the same as some pastor’s wives, too. I’m not filling a job description when my husband is called to preach at a church. I am simply called to be a member of the church in which my husband preaches.

How I Serve As The Pastor’s Wife

I was nervous about my husband becoming a full-time pastor because I assumed the expectations for me would be significant. My husband inquired about my concerns with the leaders of our current church. I am proud to say that he was met with confused and/or blank expressions. You see, they actually got it! My role, as they explained, was to be a member of the church, a mother to my children, and a wife to my husband. They have allowed me to find my place in our church as it fits my gifts, interests, and leading from the Holy Spirit. I have already listed a bunch of things I don’t do, but here’s a few that I do.

1. I sing in the choir, sing special music, and am a member of the music committee.

2. I volunteered to help at VBS…in a very small role.

3. I attend a ladies Bible study.

4. I participate in various hospitality opportunities by providing food when needed.

5. *Nerd alert!* I am on the auditing committee.

6. I support my husband as he needs in order to better serve our church.

Pastors’ Wives Must Obey God’s Call, Not Yours

The fact we all need to remember is that “pastor’s wife” is not a job. She, and I know this ruffles feathers, is not fulfilling a special biblical role in the church as “pastor’s wife.” The Lord will use that woman for His purposes just as He will use each and every Christian in that way.

A pastor’s wife is a Christian woman who, other than for a false set of standards being thrust upon her, is the same as the other women who attend church with her. She needs prayer and more patience. She struggles with sin. Her marriage takes work. Y’all, she gets tired and sometimes goes through dry spells in her walk. Let these women grow in Christ as He leads. Give them room to be the pastor’s wife God is making them into, and forget about the list of tasks they need to complete to be worthy of the role in your own mind. You might be pleasantly surprised by what they offer.

A Note on 1 Timothy 3:11

“Even so must their [deacons’] wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.”

Some would say that the existence of 1 Timothy 3:11 is proof that there is a call to be a pastor’s wife. I disagree with that interpretation. First, it seems to be specifically referring to deacon’s wives due to directly following verses 8-10 which refer to deacons by name. Whereas, the pastor is referred to in 1 Timothy 3:1 being called “bishop,” “elder,” or “overseer.”

Second, if my understanding is wrong, and it is applied to a pastor’s wife, then we must look at it in relationship to the husband’s call to ministry. First Timothy 3:4-5 says the pastor should be “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?).” If his wife does not display the characteristics in 1 Timothy 3:11, then her husband’s ability to lead in his home is in question. In this portion of Scripture, her godly characteristics are an indicator of the type of leadership she is subjected to in the home. Thus, her husband’s qualifications would be evident in her representation of 1 Timothy 3:11.

Final Thought

Many pastors’ wives enter their churches expected to fill the shoes of another woman. The church will imply the previous pastor’s wife’s passions and gifts ought to be the next woman’s, too. So much for the work of the Holy Spirit… I guess she doesn’t need to personally grow in Christ, eh? She gets to be more like a piece on a chess board moved to where she’s needed. That sounds outright terrible to me.

Can pastors’ wives be leaders and organizers in their churches? Of course! I think many are, by nature, women who take charge. It’s not uncommon for a pastor’s wife to have sought out a husband who would be in ministry because she, herself, felt a call to serve in a full-time capacity. I am in complete support of women who take that all on with joyful, willing hearts.

I am not confident that churches, as a whole, will organically stop seeing pastors’ wives as free labor that will fill in every undesirable church role and vacant position. Certainly, they won’t get to that point without a little help. Before accepting a position, a pastor needs to make it clear who his wife is and what her gifts and interests are. These men need to protect their wives from unrealistic expectations and set the example for everyone for what each member’s priorities ought to be. God, family, church. Maybe it’s time to stop seeing the pastor’s wife as a bargaining chip and commodity, but rather, as a fellow Christian being sanctified along with the rest of us.

So, am I crazy to think this?

Image courtesy of Joel Muniz via Unsplash