A Birthday Letter To My Mom: After She’s Gone
*I wrote this letter two years ago to share on my personal Facebook page. My posts often go unnoticed, but this one seemed to resonate with a lot of people. Especially women. As I write this, it’s Christmas Eve, the day after my mother’s birthday. She would have been 60 year old. This year has been particularly difficult for me concerning her absence. Maybe it’s because it’s 2020, and, let’s face it, everything is hard this year. In any case, this list has been a comfort to me, and I think it can be so for others.
Happy birthday, Mom. Today you would have turned 58. I have spent a lot of time throughout the years focusing on how you failed me and yourself. I’ve wasted energy being angry and sad over you. Hours of time have been devoted to wondering how I could have saved you. One thing I have not done enough of is think about the good. Truthfully, I struggle with it when someone puts me on the spot, but random memories or thoughts come to mind at times. I’m usually surprised by the positive feelings associated with you. The wall I built up to keep out the hurt efficiently kept out the good, too. It’s about time I begin pulling down the bricks and start cleaning up our mess. So, Karen, you were a real piece of work, but you weren’t a villain like it sometimes appeared. You were just a broken person who couldn’t find her way. Here are 10 good things about you for your first birthday away from the living.
10 Good Things About My Mom
1. I was always welcome in your home. I could just show up and walk in, and you would be glad to see me.
2. You were proud of me. Let’s be real. Sometimes you were proud of me when I didn’t deserve it.
3. You wanted to be my friend. OK. The execution on this was not done very well, but I believe you wanted a close relationship with me like you saw other mothers and daughters having.
4. You didn’t want me to want. Whenever you saw me needing or wanting something, you tried to make it happen for me. Before our estrangement, having you in my life was like having a safety net. I knew you had my back.
5. We kind of had our own language. We understood each other better than anyone else did…until we didn’t. Despite the negative aspects of our relationship, there was a comfortable familiarity that is hard to find.
6. You let me be me. No judgment. No commentary.
7. We had fun. I have memories of us being silly and making the most out of disastrous moments. I wish we could have had more of those.
8. The many adventures of Black Friday shopping at the crack of dawn… I still don’t know anyone else who will do that with me.
9. You decorated for every holiday, and you went all out. It always made our little apartment feel like more than it was.
10. Disco. We’ll always have disco.
Happy birthday, Mom. Thanks for the good.
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