Pastors’ Wives Need Each Other
I recently had the privilege to attend a ladies’ retreat for pastors’ wives and those leading women’s ministries. Because I have been to quite a few Christian ladies’ retreats over the years, I had a fairly good idea of what to expect. I figured it would be a pleasant couple of days away and I’d duck out early because the final item on the schedule was a time for fellowship and food. Honestly, I’m not interested in the social aspect at these events, so I was prepared to learn and hit the road as soon as possible. That’s not what happened at all, though. It has taken me nine years as a ministry wife for it to finally click. Pastors’ wives need each other. So, so much.
Rejecting The Pastor’s Wife Role
Years ago I wrote a piece entitled, “Being A Pastor’s Wife Is Not My Job.” I mean no offense by the post, but I understand that it may rub some ladies the wrong way. You see, I didn’t grow up in the Christian world. Bible college, hemline measurements, and dreaming of being a ministry wife were not a part of my youth. For some Christian ladies, though, serving alongside a faithful Christian man in the Church has been a lifelong dream. I imagine taking on the responsibilities that come with being a pastor’s wife was a pleasure for these women.
For me, the idea that being a pastor’s wife is my job is ludicrous. The aforementioned post explains why I feel that way. However, the role, whether specifically mentioned in God’s Word or not, is real and important. So, with this knowledge, was I ready to pull out my nicest dress, most sincere smile, and my indoor gentle voice? No way! Have you heard stories from these ladies?!
The Dark Side For Pastors’ Wives
I saw something beneath the shiny exterior of the pastor’s wife. There was a dark side that each one seemed to face.
I saw women operating on very little sleep. I witnessed pastors’ wives taking on ministries no one else would serve in because church members insisted that “someone” needed to keep them going. *Cue the pastor’s wife.* Pastors’ wives opened their homes to people who would later stab them in the back or break their hearts. Some of these pastors’ wives listened as church members lied about them and their families.
They smile through anxiety, fear, depression, and burnout. They give until they have nothing left, and still more is demanded of them.
Pastors’ wives are not always going through difficult seasons, and they won’t all experience the exact same struggles. On the other hand, these are pretty common issues to have, and the longer someone is in ministry, the more likely she is to encounter problems.
Serving Despite The Possible Struggles
Why in the world would I want any part of that? I’ll tell you why. God called my husband to pastoral ministry, and I’m married to the guy. I need to step up and serve with him because I’m his “helpmeet.” We’re a team and in this together.
Another reason I didn’t resist ministry with my husband is the simple fact that I love the Church. I want to serve in it, and my calling is, at least in part, to embrace the pastor’s wife role due to my husband’s ministry. All Christians should love the Church and serve as God moves them. In my case, God moved me to the last role I expected. Nonetheless, my aim is to serve others in love for the sake of Christ, and I will trust Him to carry me through the “dark side” when I encounter it.
These verses help me when I struggle with serving alongside my husband.
“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”
John 13:24-25
“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.”
Colossians 3:23-24
Pastors’ Wives Aren’t Islands
I have friends who totally understand me, and my church is small enough that everyone knows who I am. There’s absolutely no anonymity in a small church. Like zero. I have felt supported and cared for these last four years at my church, and I know our church family regularly prays for us. I’m not alone, but I learned there is more. I need more.
The Pastors’ Wives Club
Everyone belongs to a group of people who have a particular thing in common which sets them apart from other people. Our professions do that. Teachers, for example, have a special understanding with other teachers. No one gets the specific struggles and joys they experience outside of the “teacher club.”
Sometimes who we marry puts us into a club, too. I’m a cop’s daughter, so I immediately think about the spouses of first responders. The wives (and husbands) who know their spouse is in danger just by being at work carry a burden that is difficult for anyone outside of the situation to fully understand. Though not nearly as serious, may I suggest that pastors’ wives also have their own club?
I’m surrounded by some of the most generous and caring people I’ve ever met. My friends love the Lord, are empathetic, and listen well. (Hmm. Now that I’m writing this, I’m wondering if they might be better suited for my role in the church. Huh..)
Nevertheless, when a pastor’s wife I had chatted with this week confessed her fleshly reaction to some business meeting shenanigans, I felt as if she had taken the words out of my mouth. It was something like, “It’s a good thing he is the pastor and not me.” Another confessed guilt over time away from her children. Still another admitted to struggling with how much to share with her children about the ministry. Yes, the women I am close to on a daily basis understand these things, but they don’t relate in the same way. Besides, there are some things I don’t necessarily want to share with them.
Not A Want, It’s A Need
I didn’t feel “bad” walking into this retreat, however, I have left it feeling refreshed and as if hurts I didn’t know I had have been healed. I’ve always advocated for ladies to get away and attend retreats and conferences, but I need to double down on that for pastors’ wives. We spend a lot of time away from one another, each of us focusing on our own church, congregation, and ministry. It can be easy to forget that we are not the only ones doing these things. There are others like us.
Pastors’ wives need to advocate for more opportunities to gather together because it’s not just a want. It’s a need. Several of the women I met at the women’s leadership retreat had never experienced a similar event, despite having been pastors’ wives for many years. They were thrilled to be there and clearly benefiting from the experience. Upon leaving, many of us were looking for a guarantee we would gather again next year. There’s a hunger for this sort of fellowship among pastors’ wives.
Pastors’ Wives Benefit From Time Together
“I don’t have time to spend at a retreat.”
“What am I going to get out of this besides wasted time and money?”
“I’m doing fine on my own. I don’t need to spend time with other pastors’ wives.”
There are a million reasons and excuses to skip these events and keep our hand on the plow, but I would argue all pastors’ wives need to prioritize time with each other. It doesn’t have to be an organized event, though it sure is nice to get away. Just this week I experienced eight benefits of spending deliberate time with other pastors’ wives, and I think you would be blessed with these benefits, as well.
1. Pastors’ Wives Are The Family You Didn’t Know You Had.
Have you ever met someone and felt an immediate kinship with them? Then, a little later, you find out they are a Christian and your immediate connection suddenly makes sense? Imagine that scenario on steroids. This woman is not only a believer, but she is living some of the same experiences as you. Also, it’s quite likely that you’ve just met someone who will root for you and your ministry. She will pray for you and your family.
There’s a sisterhood among pastors’ wives that will lift your spirits, encourage you, and make you feel supported in your ministry in a way that is unique to your “club.”.
2. Pastors’ Wives Deeply Understand Your Burdens.
I have had many conversations with pastors’ wives in which they demonstrated a first-hand knowledge of my struggles, insecurities, and hurts that no other woman has ever been able to. Sometimes the conversation isn’t even necessary. There is an unspoken understanding between us. A great example of this is every conversation I’ve had with ministry wives about Covid. The conversations are short with little description. We both know.
Arguably, the greatest burden we face is protecting our homes from the damage ministry life can cause. Wives who can walk that road beside you make the insurmountable challenges seem possible to overcome. And that road feels less lonely with a friend.
3. Pastors’ Wives Have Knowledge To Share.
Women who are a little ahead of you in ministry life have wisdom and experience to share. Don’t be too prideful or scared to ask for help. They can be a fabulous resource.
4. You Have Something To Offer Other Pastors’ Wives.
When I first got married, my husband encouraged me to be open to share the gospel with others. I, always the coward, said I wasn’t qualified to do that. Sure, I could share the gospel, but what if someone had a question? I didn’t feel confident I could answer correctly. My husband said something that has stuck with me all these years.
You’ll almost always know at least one thing the other person doesn’t know.
You might be a newer pastor’s wife and feel like you don’t have much to offer other ministry wives. You have something. I promise. Maybe you’re light in advice, but can you offer to pray for that pastor’s wife? Can you offer an encouraging word? They need you just as much as you need them.
I’ve noticed that the most pastors’ wives love to hear other people’s testimonies of salvation and the stories of how other women ended up becoming pastors’ wives. You only need to know your own story to share that information and brighten a pastor’s wife’s day with the tale of how God worked in your life. Who doesn’t want to hear an example of how good God is?
5. Pastors’ Wives Retreats Eliminate Distraction.
Retreats aren’t the only way to spend time with pastors’ wives, but I highly recommend them. One benefit of attending a retreat is that it removes distractions. The kids don’t need you, your husband is at home, your job is covered, the chores don’t need you to attend to them, and the church’s congregants can’t reach you.
The time we spend with each other is highly improved by removing the distractions of life and allowing us to concentrate on the here and now. Now, if only we get those phones put away.
6. Pastors’ Wives Retreats Put The Focus On God.
Folks assume that because we are serving in ministry we must be living a life guided by and focused on the Lord. Well, I hope so, but be honest with yourself. That isn’t always the case, is it? In the hurry of life and ministry we can sideline God in an effort to get more done and meet everyone’s expectations and demands…in our strength.
Taking that time out with other like-minded women who serve in the same capacity you do will help you recalibrate your mind and return to the true source of truth and life. Personally, I know my energy reserves tap out quickly, but God gives me what I need to accomplish the tasks He has assigned me when I ask Him to.
7. Pastors’ Wives Retreats Give Time To Be Introspective.
Some of us are so busy that we don’t have time to think about our personal spiritual growth and relationship with the Lord. We are simply too consumed with serving to take a look at ourselves and identify sin that has crept back in and comfortably settled into our lives.
At a retreat, we can take the time we need to examine ourselves and determine what areas in our lives need work. We can help each other be honest with ourselves and share our burdens with one another. We’ll be better pastors’ wives, mothers, spouses, friends, employees, and Christians if we do this.
8. Pastors’ Wives Retreats Bring New People Into Your Life.
Apparently, there is a state-wide debate currently going on about whether or not I am an introvert. I am. I really am. I’m just also outgoing as a defense mechanism, and I’m also outgoing when I’m comfortable. But y’all, I need that quiet time in a darkened room to recover…for days. Anyway, all that is said to explain this harsh truth about myself. I don’t really look for opportunities to meet people and create new relationships. I find it scary and exhausting, and deep down I think I fear I don’t have anything to offer. (Yeah, that’s a blog post for another day.)
Going to a retreat will be nothing but chances to meet people, say awkward things, and maybe make friends. Sounds like a nightmare to me. The situation is only more terrifying when the retreat is filled with pastors’ wives. So. Many. Chatty. People. These ladies want to talk, dive deep to get to know you, and include everyone there. It’s too much. Except it isn’t.
Confession. I almost didn’t return the second day of the retreat I just went to. I sat in my hotel room thinking about how I hardly knew anyone, and I was not looking forward to walking into a breakfast with strangers. High school cafeteria trauma, anyone? But I gathered my courage and went to that breakfast. Guess what. I met people and had a pleasant conversation.
Ultimately, I met some great ladies and feel like there are some new people I could reach out to if I needed to connect with another pastor’s wife. I may not be the kind of person who thinks she needs additional people in her life, but I am so glad I got to know some new ladies. They had unique perspectives and different backgrounds than me, and I feel like I’ve grown just by hearing their stories. I’m looking forward to more opportunities to meet more pastors’ wives and get to know the ones I’ve already met a little better.
Could it be that making new friends and connections is a blessing? My mind is blown.
Final Thought
My focus has been on pastors’ wives, but there’s an underlying message that applies to all Christian women. We need relationships. We need each other. Being close to others can get messy and be a bit of a headache, but everyone is better off belonging to a community of believers. Let’s walk alongside one another. Let’s lend an ear.
Pastors’ wives need to form relationships with other pastors’ wives, but each woman in the church can find someone to connect with based on important commonalities that build a deeper connection. Homeschool? Widowed? Quilter? Recovering addict? Chicago Bears fan? Find your people, work at building strong relationships, and discover how you can be a blessing to them.
What connection has pulled you close to other women?
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