The Struggle Of The Childless Church

I have been a member at seven churches since I was saved. Each had its own set of strengths and weaknesses. The healthiest churches had one thing, though, that the struggling churches did not. Children. The churches with young families that I’ve attended had active ministries, enthusiasm, and felt alive. On the other hand, the churches with few to no children had a difficult time maintaining ministries, were low energy, and felt defeated. As a pastor’s wife, I’ve spoken to many more in ministry who report similar experiences in their own churches. The struggle of the childless church is a sensitive topic, but it’s also essential to discuss when assessing church health and areas of our ministries to pray about. So, with a open mind, let’s jump into it.

Are Childless Churches Real?

Perhaps your church is filled with children, and your children’s ministry is located in a large state-of-the-art wing of your church. If this is the case, I might not make a whole lot of sense right now. I’ll ask you to take a leap of faith and trust me when I say most churches can’t boast large children’s ministries with oodles of kids.

Small Churches

According to the 2020 FACT study, approximately half of all churches in America have less than sixty-five people in the weekly worship service. These small churches, predictably, have less young families because larger churches offer more bells and whistles. A children’s church with only seven kids doesn’t draw in parents looking to plug into a church’s “edutainment” Sunday School, sports program, and professional-looking VBS skits.

Aging Congregations

The same study found that churchgoers are twice as likely, at 33%, as an average American citizen to be sixty-five or older. Mainline Protestants are even more likely to be “senior saints” at 42% of congregants being sixty-five or older. We need to face the facts. Our churches are getting old.

Where Are The Young Families?

A congregation comprised of many or mostly senior citizens doesn’t mean there aren’t children in the church, but I can tell you from personal experience and from speaking with other pastors’ wives that the childless church is not a myth. Churches struggle to compete with alternative kids’ activities and the cultural shift away from Christianity. We see evidence of this with low youth attendance on Sundays and even at historically well-attended special events such as Vacation Bible School (VBS). Additionally, many church nurseries sit empty or nearly so every Sunday with a church filled with an aging congregation. Where are the young families?

Baptist News Global reports that children are attending church far less frequently than their parents and grandparents. The statistics reveal a disappointing trend.

67% – American adults who say they grew up going to worship services regularly with their parents

31% – The percentage of American adults who say they currently attend worship services regularly

58% – American adults who seldom or never attend a worship service

9% – The percentage of American adults who attend worship service weekly with children under the age of 18

For reasons we don’t know, adults have stopped coming to church, and those with children are not focused on raising their kids in church. When parents don’t come to church, then their children typically don’t come either.

So, are childless churches a problem? Yes! Children aren’t walking through those church doors when churches are relatively small in number, congregations are aging fast, and young parents are opting out of church attendance altogether. It’s sad, difficult, and discouraging, but it’s also a very real thing.

What Leads To A Childless Church?

Why do some churches have a complete lack of children in attendance? Well, there is no silver bullet. Every childless church has its own unique variables at play, but there sure are a lot of variables from which to choose.

1. Churches That Tolerate Kids Rather Than Love Them

If you walk into a church that doesn’t have a heart for kids, you’ll know almost instantly. Congregants will look annoyed at childlike behavior and sounds, they’ll strongly discourage children from staying in the worship service, and folks will appear generally disinterested in them. Churches that love kids will engage with them, ask you about them, actually smile when a baby makes those disruptive yet adorable babbles and cries, and will probably assure visiting parents that they and their children are welcome to all services.

As a mother, I can guarantee you I have no interest in attending a church that treats my children as an annoyance rather than a blessing. Churches that only tolerate children act as family repellant. It can be no surprise to find their classrooms and nurseries collecting dust.

2. Relying On One Or Two Families To Keep The Church Afloat

If you hear a community member call your church a “family church,” don’t automatically take it as a compliment. It might mean your church has a family atmosphere, but it could also mean that person sees your church as a place for only one family. For instance, someone might say, “Grace Baptist? Oh, that’s the Smith church.” Then they would roll their eyes, and everyone listening would understand that church is made up of mostly Smiths and they call the shots.

Small communities lend themselves to small churches with a handful of families acting as the glue holding it all together. And I’m not telling you that is necessarily a bad thing. The temptation, however, is for that family to lose sight of the purpose of church and turn it into a personal family church. Their preferences, their rules, and a distrust of “outsiders.” I wonder if churches such as these even want children outside of their gene pool to attend.

Keeping the church to yourself might work for a bit, but eventually the family will shrink, leaving few, if any, children behind. It’s a recipe for a closed church, but more importantly, it’s a church lacking a gospel focus and love for anyone outside of its own inner circle.

Frankly, I don’t blame young families for avoiding these churches. In fact, I encourage them to. A church that only wants to feed itself is no church at all. That leads me to the next potential factor at play in the childless church.

3. Too Inward Focused

Although some churches focus on themselves because they actively reject outsiders, others focus inwardly because they don’t know better.

Plenty of churches filled with believers who feel burdened to reach others for Christ still find themselves with few children in attendance and rarely see visitors. They can’t figure out why, yet they continue to faithfully continue the work they’ve been doing for decades. The problem, though, is the work they are doing. Is it inherently bad? No. Is it reaching people? Also no.

Sometimes we think we’re reaching out when we’re truly reaching in. Here are a few examples: special events with like-minded churches (e.g., fellowship, church services, music programs, etc.), programs created to serve church members, small groups and Bible studies as long as they meet in the church building, and “outreach” events that are not advertised to the community and are limited to friends and family.

Nothing I listed above is bad. They are perfectly delightful things to do as a church. I love to fellowship with women from other churches, host church events to celebrate and fellowship, meet with my church family to study the Word, and hold big events. The underlying theme of reaching in to our own churches and not out to the community, though, can be problematic. Are we balancing our ministry efforts between serving one another and reaching out to our unsaved neighbors?

We ask ourselves why more young families aren’t coming to our churches, but friends, we might not be inviting them. More than that, I am certain that plenty of church ministries are trapped within the four walls of the church. It’s 2024, you guys! There is longer a cultural pressure to attend church on occasion to be a good citizen. The lost, the hurting, those in need…they are outside of our church walls. You want young families in your church? Well, you need to go find them and stop waiting for them to come to you.

4. Reaching For Kids And Ignoring The Families

Churches want kids. They bring life into the building, and let’s face it, a church looks and feels a lot healthier when kids attend. Then, of course, there is the main (and obvious) reason. We want to show kids who Jesus is and hopefully lead them to the Lord. In short, we want children to get saved. Amen, right?

What if we don’t invest in their families, though? This might not be your church, but plenty of churches form relationships with children through outreach ministries and hope the kids will influence the parents toward spiritual things. This is a backward approach. It’s similar to sending your kids to public school because you think they will be a missionary to their peers. More often than not, those kids from Christian homes get pulled down by their peers, instead. (I have a lot say about homeschool. You can see that HERE, and there’s a lot more HERE.)

Think about bus ministries that bring kids to church from homes with unchurched parents. I’ve seen it firsthand. The kids came in, and mom and dad got a couple hours of free babysitting. The parents almost never came to the church, and the church almost never reached out to them. I think the leadership thought they could get to the children’s hearts by going around the parents. Let’s not forget, though, that those same children live with an ungodly influence throughout the week. Besides, are we supposed to abandon the parents because they are harder to reach? (*I understand not all bus ministries operate this way, but this is not uncommon. If it don’t apply, let it fly.)

Another big expense outreach to children, VBS, can be a missed opportunity, as well. Churches spend an average of $500-$1,000 on VBS. Not to mention, the volunteers put in a great deal of time, energy, and personal money to make it come together. All this is for an annual event that draws in an average of sixty kids. We have access to those kids for an entire week, but too many churches forget about the parents. Oh sure, they send home a church invitation. How effective are those? I suspect not very.

A pastor from a church in Illinois told my husband that after putting on a large and highly attended community event for Easter, he had zero parent response. Zero. And that was to get people to come on Easter! That’s supposed to be one of the two days even unchurched people consider going.

If you want children to come to church, you need to reach their parents. The stats I shared earlier show us that adults with children are simply not coming to church, and that inherently means less children are coming. I strongly believe that the best way to reach children for the Lord is to reach their parents. A strong Christian home means so much more for a child’s development than a questionable “decision” at a kids’ event when that child is going to return to a spiritually unsupportive home.

Do we stop all children’s outreach? Am I saying VBS and other kids’ activities aren’t capable of leading children to Jesus? Of course not! Children’s ministry is definitely worth the effort. But maybe churches need to evaluate whether or not they are missing opportunities to connect with entire families instead of just the kids.

5. Your Website Is So Bad…So, So Bad

My dear Christian friends. I say this with love. Your church website stinks. All right. Maybe yours doesn’t, but a lot of churches have forgettable or unhelpful websites. We live in a world where everything we need to know is online. So, when a young parent is looking for a church to visit, she goes to Google, not the phonebook. Also, young families today are much less likely to just walk into a church without knowing what to expect, therefore, they’ll be doing their research. And they are looking for you in the most convenient place. Online.

A church website doesn’t need to be flashy and super professional. On the other hand, it should indicate your church is still active. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at a church website’s calendar to find the last calendar entry was from two years ago. Is this church even open anymore?

Stay updated and have useful information. Potential visitors want know:

When?

Where?

What ministries does the church offer?

What can I expect when I am there?

What’s the statement of faith?

Who is the pastor and other leadership?

What’s on the calendar?

Visitors also want access to past sermons (video is better than audio), pictures of the people who attend (e.g., candid photos from events, pictures of leadership, etc.), and an email contact that will respond quicky.

On top of this, young families expect churches to have, at a minimum, a Facebook page. You might think this is silly and has nothing to do with biblical things, and you would be correct. That doesn’t change the fact that most young families are using the Internet as their primary source (aside from personal invitations) for finding a church to visit. If you don’t have a competent online presence, most won’t even consider checking you out.

Is It Bad To Be A Childless Church?

An Overdue Disclaimer

I’d like to take a moment to clarify what I’m saying today about childless churches. At this point, you may be assuming that I have a problem with senior saints or middle-aged men and women (which would include me). If so, you’d be wrong. I think the healthiest churches will have members from all age groups. The men and women who are a few seasons ahead of me in life have taught me and continue to teach me so much about living an obedient Christian life. They have encouraged me, rebuked me, and come alongside when I needed them most. And they are also a blessing in my children’s lives, too.

I’m addressing churches who lack kids because that is one of the obvious holes in the church today. We aren’t in need of the sixty-five and over crowd. It’s young families, and consequently, children who are missing. So, please, understand my heart on this issue. Childless churches aren’t struggling because there are older Christians in attendance. Rather, they struggle because an important age group is missing.

The Problem With A Childless Church

I’m sure many of you could come up with a long list of reasons churches with a youth shortage suffer. Some of y’all might be dealing with that right now. For those who aren’t sure, let us consider a few problems childless churches face.

1. Discouragement

Most churches want children in them, and they usually try to reach local youth. When a church reaches out and fails to gain young people, it can be discouraging. “Why don’t they want to come here?” “What are we doing wrong?” “Why doesn’t God answer our prayers concerning this?” Eventually, these questions paired with no change in congregational demographics lead to, “We’re never going to have children here.” We can give up when it seems like what we have prayed for is impossible.

2. Young Families Look For Young Families

The ultimate catch-22! My husband pastored a church that was in this exact predicament. We had a small group of faithful congregants, but most of them were beyond their childrearing years. My husband and I were the youngest people in the church, and our children were the only ones there. And oh, did our church just love our kids!

However, young families weren’t drawn to our church. We had a local church nearby that was similar in belief, but it was quite large for the area and offered programs and entertainment. Plus, most of the community children who attended church were at that one. We weren’t even a blip on most families’ radar.

We did have one young couple attend for a while. They didn’t have children yet, but I believe they planned on it. We were hopeful they would stay because then other young couples might see them and connect. And bonus, they were likable and seemed to be spiritually-minded. Sadly, they had no peers in the church. My husband and I were the closest thing to peers, but we were at least ten years older and had four or five kids at that point. (I can’t remember.) I don’t blame them for leaving, but you can see the dilemma, right? How do you attract young families with children when there no other families like them?

3. Fearing The End

In the back of many members’ minds is the question, “How much longer can this church survive?” As churches age and don’t have younger generations to take over, closure appears on the horizon. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer on you, and I don’t believe that closure is inevitable. On the other hand, the possibility of the childless church dying is hard to ignore.

Once this thought enters the collective mind of the church, getting young families and children to come transitions from “that would be nice” to “life or death” for the church. I’ll let you figure out how that can transform ministries and attitudes.

What Is A Childless Church To Do?

What next? Panic!

O.K. Do you have that out of your system? Good. No more of that, please. As I mentioned earlier, there is no easy solution here. I have a handful of suggestions that may be helpful to some of you. To others, most of this may not apply to your current church situation. At least allow it to be a jumping off point for further conversations.

1. Pray

Pray about this. Tell God everything you’re feeling. He can handle it. Be angry, sad, scared, unsure, and confused. He already knows you feel this way, so feel free to be open. But then leave that all at His feet. You don’t need to carry the burden of any of those feelings. He can carry it for you (Matthew 11:28-30).

2. Ask For Prayer

Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed of your situation. For one, you aren’t alone in it. Second, there is no reason to feel that way. There are many reasons that are out of a church’s control that could keep children from attending. And if it is the church’s fault, repent and move forward.

Ask for prayer from like-minded churches, friends, and family. The Body of Christ is available to offer encouragement and to pray for and with you. Go ahead and embrace that unique relationship that believers have with one another.

3. Remain Faithful To The Bible

Whatever you do, don’t change how your church ministers, preaches, and teaches in order to be more enticing to the world. Pulling back on the gospel, including downplaying sin, isn’t helpful even if it gets more people in the pews. What are they coming to hear if you don’t teach biblical truth? A self-help talk? If your children’s ministries are 99% entertainment, then what is the point of the kids coming at all? Just take them to the park if fun is all you want to offer.

Don’t let your desire to have children in your church cloud the reason your church exists in the first place. We are meant to reach others with the gospel and live lives that reflect Christ. That doesn’t happen when you make yourself look more like the world.

4. Think Outside The Box

Look for ways you haven’t tried to minister to families in the community. You can look up ideas online, ask other Christians what they are doing, and determine what needs are not being met in your community by others. Also, consider what strengths your church has and how those can be used to reach young families.

5. Don’t Wait For Visitors To Make The First Move

What do you expect from visitors? Do you wait for them to approach you at church and introduce themselves? Do you believe they should ask you about how they might fit into the church family? Um, yeah, don’t do that.

Stop putting the burden of connecting on the people visiting the church. Be warm and welcoming. That means you need to start a get-to-know-you conversation, and it is on you to follow up later in the week.

6. Get Messy

Families with children that are attending may not feel like staying. Reasons vary between situations, but one way to help them feel like they are a part of the church is to invest in them. Get to know them outside of the church. Have them over for a meal, offer to babysit, be available to mentor/disciple, and be ready for this to be messy.

People are messy. Relationships are messy. Kids are messy. That’s life. If you want a sanitized church life, then don’t expect young families with children to stick around because their lives are anything but sanitized.

Final Thought

Having a childless church can feel like an overwhelming burden. What does the future hold for this church? Where are the young families? What can I do to make them come here? Just breathe. You can’t force anyone to become a member, but you can remain faithful to His Word, be steadfast in prayer, and have a genuine heart for ministering to young families in your area. God knows your need, and it’s in these most challenging times that you need to trust Him.

Do you have experiences with a childless church?

Image courtesy of Jon Tyson via Unsplash.