Sex And The Church: 8 Bad Teachings

For the last few years, women have been stepping forward to share their experiences with sexual assault, sexism, and plain ol’ icky behavior aimed at them. In 2017, the #metoo hashtag went viral, and an avalanche of stories came out. Unfortunately, Christians seemed to have just as many stories as everyone else. The relationship between sex and the Church appeared to be strained, maybe even dysfunctional. Worst of all, no one seemed surprised. What happened?

Sex And The Church: Who’s Complaining?

We need to look at the source whenever we receive criticism. So, who are all these Christians suddenly complaining about how the Church addressed sexual matters? Well, there’s no one answer, but the most outspoken women (and some men) appear to be from the purity culture movement. This movement began in the 1990’s. Although not all churches were equally steeped in it, common features included, signing purity pledges, wearing purity rings, daughters attending “purity balls” with their fathers, and teaching the mantra “true love waits.”

I don’t have any personal experience with the purity culture movement because I was saved as an adult woman in 2009. I missed it, and I think I’m glad about that because good intentions seem to have reaped a lot of unintended confusion and negative consequences.

Kissing Dating Goodbye

One of the most notable voices in the purity culture movement was Joshua Harris. He wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye in 1997 when he was only twenty-one years old. The book essentially teaches that dating is practicing for divorce, and it is better to date intentionally with the aim of finding a spouse (i.e., courting) than to date casually. In addition, Harris’s book has a heavy focus on purity and purposeful singleness. I’m generalizing, but I think you get the point.

Eventually, women began to speak out on the damage that book caused them. Did it really? I can’t say because I don’t know anyone who has made this claim. Although, it does seem that this book and the purity culture message were misused and abused by some. In the wake of this movement many men and women learned unbiblical teaching about sex, and no matter the intention behind it, damage was done.

He Kissed Christianity Goodbye

The voices against purity culture only got louder when Joshua Harris, himself, joined in the chorus by renouncing I Kissed Dating Goodbye in 2018. He spoke out against his former teachings, acknowledging the hurt it caused. Ultimately, he stopped all future publications.

Harris, in 2019, also renounced his marriage vows and his Christian faith. In 2021, he attempted to monetize his falling away from the faith by selling a $275 course which included a “deconstruction kit.” After an outcry of criticism for attempting to make money on his teachings that he deemed harmful, he pulled the course.

Sex and the Church have a complicated history and a messy present, clearly… But is there anything the Church got right? Yes! Let’s look at that first.

Sex And The Church: What’s Right

The Church’s teachings on sex are under a microscope right now, and it seems like Christians only have complaints. However, the Church is getting plenty right about sex, and we should recognize that. In fact, a lot of the correct teachings are under attack because they aren’t progressive enough for the current liberal culture. Nonetheless, the Church continues to adhere to foundational biblical teachings on sex.

1. Sex is reserved for the marriage covenant.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

Some people want to make this so complicated. Just read the words here as they are written. “One flesh” refers to sexual intimacy, and the scenario in which the Bible encourages sex is in a marriage as the reference to a “wife” clearly insinuates.

The exclusivity of sex to marriage hasn’t changed over time, by the way.

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

Hebrews 13:4

God demands marriages that are free of adultery and include sexual intimacy within the marital relationship.

“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”

1 Corinthians 6:18

Fornication, meaning sex outside of marriage, is called out as sin, and we’re even told to flee from it. That’s quite the image, isn’t it? We need to take our sexual expression very seriously because the Lord obviously does.

2. Sex is meant to be between one man and one woman.

Adam was the only human on Earth, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). Despite all of creation around Him, he was alone. Who was his partner going to be?

Then, God put Adam to sleep and created a woman from Adam’s rib. Adam responded.

“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:23-24

This scene from creation not only forms the first marriage, but it also demonstrates who is in a marriage. The woman is the man’s help meet. They belong together, and God made the institution of marriage and the act of sex for them, alone.

3. Sex exists to have babies.

Despite what Planned Parenthood and radical feminists will tell you, babies resulting from our sexual activity is a good thing. God designed sex for this result. Like everything He created, this too, is good.

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” (emphasis mine)

Gensesis 1:28

I suppose some people will need me to add this, but I hope it is generally understood. Some will not be able to have children. There is no sin in that at all. We live in a fallen world, and that means that not everything will work perfectly. There are solid, loving, faithful believers who cannot have children. God knew that and has plans for those people, and He loves them no less than those who can have babies.

Also, some Christians are called to singleness. Those individuals are not sinful or being punished by God. I don’t know the mind of God on these things. None of us do. All I know is God is using these believers for His purposes.

However, these exceptions do not negate the command to have babies. Most of us will marry and have children. That is God’s design for mankind. Particular individuals, on the other hand, may have a different path.

4. Married couples should be regularly engaging in sexual activity.

Let all the men rejoice! (I’m joking. Kind of.) Yes, it’s true. Sex is not really an optional add-on in marriage.

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (ESV)

OK, this is a loaded passage of verses because it is sometimes used as a way to control, manipulate, and coerce women. We’ll get to that later. For now, let’s just recognize that these verses are encouraging regular sexual encounters between husbands and wives.

5. Sex is meant for husbands and wives to enjoy.

Song of Solomon exists. Read it if you haven’t. Go ahead and reread it you have, but it has been a while. Seriously, this book of the Bible demonstrates the beauty and passion in a marriage that can be expressed uniquely through sexual intimacy. Sure, God tells us to have sex in marriage, but that doesn’t mean it is a bad thing. This isn’t the same as when your mom made you eat brussels sprouts because it’s good for you, OK? This is good for you, and it is meant to be enjoyed.

Sex And The Church: What’s Wrong?

Now that we’ve had a short flyover view of correct biblical teachings about sex in the Church, we need to investigate some of the more harmful teachings. I would like to preface this list by saying that we should understand these false teachings are not in every church. I’m not pointing any fingers, and I don’t even think the intention behind these teachings is necessarily bad.

So, with an open mind and grace, let’s dive in.

1. Some churches don’t talk about sex…at all.

This feels like the safest option for a lot of churches. We don’t say the wrong things if we don’t say anything at all, right? Ignoring sex, though, creates an environment in which sex is dirty, secret, and cannot be discussed in a loving way.

The only mention of sex in churches like this is to warn of the sinful side of sex and to tell people to wait until marriage. Here’s my version of this messaging.

“Sex is sinful. Adultery is sin. Fornication is sin. Lust is sin. Sex is a dirty thing we don’t talk about, and we abstain from it until marriage. Once you’re married, though, have sex whenever the husband wants. It’s all right then.”

Talk about spiritual whiplash! Oh, and for the record, this doesn’t work.

Sex And The Church: The Stats

A study from 2005 looked at sexual choices of Christians who had signed purity pledges. These pledges simply stated that the young person (usually a teen) promised not to have sex until marriage. The study found that 88% of those who pledged to wait for marriage to have sex ended up having premarital sex.

However, the study did find that those teens on the younger side of the spectrum waited approximately 34% longer than older teens. Sadly, this bit of good news comes with a side of disappointment. Those younger teens were one-third more likely not to use protection when they finally did engage in premarital sex. With a push for abstinence accompanied by little else in terms of education or honest conversation, we shouldn’t be surprised to find the purity pledges carried little weight and did not prevent risky sexual behaviors.

The Institute for Family Studies reported various findings on the sexual activities of Christians reported in the years 2013-2019. Below are some of the findings.

37%: “fundamentalist” adults who believed premarital sex is always wrong (from 2014-2018)

43%: never-married female evangelicals aged 15-17 who have had sex

45%: never-married male evangelicals aged 15-17 who have had sex

74%: never-married female evangelicals aged 18-22 who have had sex

74%: never-married male evangelicals aged 18-22 who have had sex

43%: never-married female evangelicals aged 18-22 who have had 4+ sexual partners

52%: never-married male evangelicals aged 18-22 who have had 4+ sexual partners

I’m not willing to suggest that the Church is to blame for these abysmal findings because we are battling all kids of influences that attack our Christian worldview. On the other hand, I can’t say that the Church has done a great job preparing our youth for the temptations they face.

2. Your wedding night sex will be amazing if you are a virgin.

I’m not here to tell you that being a virgin when you get married means your first time will be terrible. Everyone’s experience is different, and that’s my point. Nothing can guarantee a “perfect” wedding night. All this claim does is put a heavy load of expectation for the couple’s first night together as man and wife.

May I be blunt for a moment? Even with the healthiest view of biblical sex possible, the first time will come with anxiety, nerves, excitement, and anticipation. Can it be a wonderful night? Yes! A couple in this situation could also find themselves fumbling a bit and not really knowing what they’re doing. That’s normal, and they have a lifetime to learn how best to physically love one another.

The Church should stop selling fairy tales and teach Christians that sex isn’t like a movie with swelling music and every moment filled with ecstasy. The expectation should be set that marriage will take work, patience, and understanding from the very beginning. Even in the bedroom.

3. There is no appropriate touch between unmarried men and women.

This teaching probably comes from good intentions. Maybe some Christians think the best way to avoid temptation is to demonize all physical touch. After all, the Bible does instruct us to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18).

The problem with this line of thinking, though, is that it suggests every touch between unmarried males and females inevitably leads to sexual temptation. Strict rules based on possible (not inevitable) future sins is absolutely ludicrous.

Who is the Holy Spirit? It’s not us! Let’s have healthy boundaries, not unyielding demands to display outward conformity and obedience to a church.

“And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments. He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.”

1 John 2:3-5

We obey God and His commands when we love Him and grow in our knowledge of Him. Creating legalist rules based on our fears that our youth will sin is not effective or biblical. Let’s try discipling our youth rather than controlling and manipulating them.

4. A singular focus on sexual sin.

The Bible is filled with warnings about sexual sin.

“But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;”

Ephesians 5:3

“Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:”

Colossians 3:5

“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:”

1 Thessalonians 4:3

Those are just a few of the many verses concerning sexual immorality. However, other sins, plenty of others, exist and the wages for all of them is death (Romans 6:23). Here are a few.

“Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Galatians 5:19-21

When a church focuses on a particular sin, then it creates an environment that makes believers feel shamed and fearful to seek counsel when they struggle with that sin.

How many people sit in the pews and believe God cannot forgive their sexual sins because their church teaches it is the “worst one.” How many go home in shame believing their sexual past has ruined them? We do no one any good by singling out our pet issues and offering no grace to those who seek help.

5. Men are visual, and women are not.

Generally, people believe that men are more visual than women. Before going any further, I have to recognize that there are people who disagree. I’m personally working off the assumption that men are more visually led than women.

One of the reasons I believe this to be true is the secular world’s marketing ploys. Why is it that so many advertisements for men feature unrealistically beautiful women in minimal clothing?

Another reason I believe men are more visual is the booming pornography market. Why did Psychology Today report in 2018 that 80% of men and 26% women reported having viewed pornography in the last week? I think it is because men tend to be more visual. All that said, we can’t leave women out.

Women are visual, too, and some women are very visual. If we ignore this, then we do both men and women a disservice. Women are often encouraged to stay trim, dress well, and try to look like they did when their husbands fell in love with them. We’re told we need to do this so our husbands will stay sexually interested in us. He’s visual, you see, and “letting yourself go” will hurt your marriage.

I’d like to know how many churches teach men to do the same. Men can gain weight, dress sloppy, and practice poor hygiene without correction. A wife must accept this and be sexually available to him, and of course, not tell him she wishes he’d take better care of himself. The double standard is off-putting at the very least.

Even if women are not as visual as men (I leave that for you to decide), teaching Christians that women aren’t visual at all is dangerous. It’s a lie. We see our husbands. We love them. But we like to look at them, too. I’m sorry not sorry if that bothers people. It’s true.

6. Women don’t care about sex.

A popular teaching in marriage books and in some churches is that sex is primarily for men. This teaching is particularly dangerous because it tells men and women that sex is an act of obedient service to a man for his pleasure. Sorry, ladies, but it’s just not about you.

Marriages operating with this mentality could be why so many women are disinterested in sex. Husbands aren’t being encouraged to make sexual relations pleasurable for their wives. As for wives, they’re not taught to speak up for their needs and wants.

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (ESV)

Christians read these verses and walk away saying, “Well, there it is! Husbands need sex, and wives have to give it to them.” They are missing the other side of the picture. The husband is instructed to give his “wife her conjugal rights.” This is not because she doesn’t want sex; It’s because she does. He has no authority over his body because he is to be sexually available to her, too.

Wives desire their husbands. Women are sexual beings just as God created them. I’ll mention Song of Solomon again here. An entire book dedicated to the love between a husband and wife, including the physical expression of that love should be enough to convince us of the importance of Christian romance to husband and wives.

The fact that women care about sex should be a blessing for men to realize. Isn’t making love better when both people seem to want to be there? And isn’t telling a woman it’s her “duty” setting her up to see it as a chore?

Instead of telling wives they must have sex with their husbands, let’s tell married couples that God has blessed marriage with the opportunity to have sex. We can act like it’s good news because it is.

7. All sexual problems are HER fault.

First, women are often seen as the gatekeepers to sex. If a couple engages in premarital sex, the question that follows is often “Why did she let him do that?” He couldn’t help himself, of course, and it was her job to stop both of them from committing sexual sin. Predictably, this makes the sin seem more her fault than his.

Second, men’s potential struggles with lust are often placed at women’s feet due to their clothing choice. I’m a strong supporter of modesty in our dress, words, and behavior. However, the definition of modest is not uniform from church to church, so how could a woman even be sure she was modest enough? Plus, is there “modest enough?” Some men will lust no matter what women wear. In the end, though, it’s not a woman’s responsibility to prevent a man’s sin. He answers for his sin, not her. (Note: This doesn’t give women the license to dress provocatively. She is responsible for her behavior as he should be for his.)

Third, Christian women regularly report church’s blaming them for their husband’s infidelity or porn use. If she had been more submissive, more sexually available, thinner, etc… The wife may carry some level of blame in some circumstances, but the husband first needs to answer for his deliberate sin.

Finally, women are also blamed by some churches for being sexually assaulted. The assumption is that she must have done something to tempt him to behave that way. News Flash: It doesn’t matter if she walked around naked. No means no. And his sin is not hers to bear.

8. A woman can never refuse her husband’s sexual advances.

This teaching comes from First Corinthians.

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (ESV)

Refusal shouldn’t be the regular habit from either the wife or the husband in a healthy marriage. This understanding, however, puts women in a precarious situation. There are times when sex is not desirable or is even unsafe for a woman. After childbirth, for example, it is usually accepted as a time of physical healing. Ever had the flu? Yeah, it’s not the best time for sex, either.

Illness and healing aren’t the only thing to prompt a refusal. Wives are often homemakers, employees, and mothers. Exhaustion is a real thing, and it can be quite a mood killer. Teaching a woman can never refuse offers no grace, love, or gentleness.

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

Colossians 3:19

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”

Ephesians 5:28-29

None of these verses describe husbands who selfishly demand things, sex or otherwise, from their wives. Husbands love, cherish, honor, and treat their wives gently, according to the Word.

How Much Is Enough?

Finally, let’s ask what “depriving” means and what our “conjugal rights” are. Does a wife deprive her husband if she does not have sex with him daily? Weekly? Monthly? How much is enough? Both husband and wife have these rights, so how should they balance all this out? What if she wants more frequency than he does? Then what? I can’t say. Each couple can figure it out…together…as a married couple.

Instead of approaching marriage with demands for satisfaction, both partners should enter the marriage with the goal to selflessly love and serve one another for God’s glory.

Can the partner with the higher sex drive love his spouse enough to compromise his desires to accommodate hers sometimes? Can the spouse with the lower sex drive say “yes” when her preference is “not tonight?” And can it be done without guilt, shame, and intimidation? I say it can.

Final Thoughts

Sex and the Church will always have a controversial relationship. The Church’s accurate teachings offend the world, and its unhealthy teachings cause hurt, marital strife, and confusion about God’s design for marriage among believers. The Church can improve by not being so scared to discuss sex and to use the whole of Scripture to better understand it. We can’t control others’ actions or force conformity. And we shouldn’t want to. Whether we are discussing sex and the Church, parenting and the Church, or *fill in the blank* and the Church, it should all be based on the same thing. Jesus.

“What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Has the relationship between sex and the Church hurt you in the past? Tell me your story!

Image courtesy of Joel Overbeck via Unsplash.