More Bad Marriage Advice For Christians

Recently, I posted the 10 worst pieces of marriage advice I’ve ever heard. As I wrote it, though, I knew there were plenty more pieces of marital advice to examine. So, let’s tackle some more bad marriage advice and ask ourselves the important questions. Is it biblical? Does it even make sense?

More Bad Marriage Advice #1: When You Stop Fighting, That’s When You Know Your Marriage Is Over

Is it just me, or is it odd to base the success of one’s marriage on the desire for frequent arguments? I have a friend who, in her early twenties, dumped a really nice guy because he never fought with her. She saw it as a lack of passion and a recipe for a boring relationship. I thought she was crazy, but then I started to understand it more.

My husband and I playfully argue, and we tease each other, too. After thirteen years of marriage, we’ve figured out where the line exists between funny and hurtful. We steer clear of hurtful and enjoy light-hearted banter. It works for us.

Maybe my friend wanted her boyfriend to be more playful, or maybe she saw him as a doormat and wanted him to stand up for things he believed. I don’t know for sure, but I do think any relationship will have some waves (some fun and others challenging) as time goes on.

I’m not here to declare fighting has no place in a marriage. Far from it! It is inevitable, but I don’t think it has to be frequent or hurtful. The closest relationship we have in life is with our spouse, so common sense tells us we should treat him lovingly and with respect. A marriage is a team effort, so act like it.

What About Submission?

Women are called to submit to their husbands. Stop arguing with me… It’s right here.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

Ephesians 5:22-24

Some might claim that submission means wives are never to argue with their husbands. This plays into the stereotype of a submissive wife with no independent thoughts who only knows what her husband tells her. She has no personal agency. Instead, her husband makes her decisions for her and tells her what to think.

First off, let me clear this up. That’s not a picture of submission. I have written about wives submitting to their husbands. You can read more about that HERE to get a better idea of what submission looks like. Suffice it to say, submission is not being a doormat.

Think about the Proverbs 31 woman for a moment. She works hard, cares for her children and husband, handles sales and purchases, and her husband trusts her. That’s not a woman who has no opinions and makes no decisions herself. And in that case, the occasional argument/disagreement will likely pop up.

A Better Take

Marriages will have arguments, and sometimes those arguments can get ugly. Two imperfect people bound together for life can lead to a bit of disagreement, right? In a healthy marriage, however, those arguments become less frequent and less intense.

As a married couple learns to communicate better and grows in Christlikeness, there will inevitably be less friction. For some, arguments will all but disappear. Don’t feel bad for that marriage. Take notes because that is a healthy couple.

More Bad Marriage Advice #2: You Don’t Need Anyone But Each Other

This advice takes on that “ride or die” mentality. It’s that us-against-the-world approach to life. I think it sounds romantic until I actually think about it. Couples who put this advice into practice often cut off family and friends, becoming an island unto themselves. As a loner, let me tell you that isn’t healthy.

For starters, one or both of you will eventually want other close relationships. It’s natural and healthy to desire family and friends to play a role in your life. Of course, there should be proper boundaries, but that doesn’t have to be a problem.

Christian ladies, you should seek out older women to mentor you, or at least, be available to receive godly counsel. As you get older and more mature in your faith, you, too, will have opportunities to minister to other women.

“The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”

Titus 2:3-5

We are blessed as Christian women to have each other, but we need to forge relationships with each other and allow ourselves to have close bonds with more people than our husbands. Additionally, let’s not forget about the Church.

Belonging To The Body

It’s increasingly popular for Christians to forego belonging to a church and just “do church” at home. I’m not talking about a home church in which different households meet together in a home. I am referring to families that worship in song and prayer together on a Sunday morning. Then, the husband/father will read from the Word or give a devotional.

Family worship is beautiful, but it is not the picture of community given in the Bible. I have given two examples below.

“Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.” (emphasis mine)

Hebrews 10:25

“For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit. For the body is not one member, but many.” (emphasis mine)

1 Corinthians 12:12-14

First Corinthians continues by comparing Christians to parts of the human body. Each element of our body is essential for it to work well, and each has its own particular role. The same can be said for Christians. I would be withholding my spiritual gifts from other Christians if I chose to refrain from assembling together in worship and intentionally forming relationships with them.

A Better Take

Your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have here on Earth, but it shouldn’t be your only one. God created us for relationship and community. Relationship is how you’ll best edify fellow believers, serve those in need, fulfill the Great Commission (Matthew 28:16-20), and know Jesus.

More Bad Marriage Advice #3: Open Separate Bank Accounts…Just In Case

Just in case? This is a plan to divorce disguised as financial “wisdom.” I personally received this advice not long after getting married, and the idea behind this woman’s advice was to be prepared because I didn’t know what the future held.

She was right about one thing. I didn’t know what the future would bring. No one does. That mindset makes giving 100% to anything look bad because you never can tell…

Life is full of risks, and marriage is one of them. However, saving up to leave my marriage hardly seems like a great way to plan for a future with my husband. We cannot successfully navigate the struggles of married life by having one hand on the escape hatch.

Generally, it’s a bad plan to have money your husband has no access to and with which you’re not transparent. If I found out my husband was holding back money just in case we didn’t work out, I’d be devastated. The secret money would feel like a betrayal, and I would have to wonder if he was not secure in our marriage.

A Better Take

Christians don’t marry with a plan to divorce. We don’t use that word lightly, and we acknowledge that marriage is for life except for in rare and serious circumstances. The world has plenty of bad marriage advice concerning divorce, but we need to root ourselves in God’s Word when grappling with the permanency of marriage and how to make our separate lives into one.

For further information on divorce, you can read what I wrote about looking at divorce through a biblical lens and lies that convince Christians to get divorced.

Bad Marriage Advice #4: Marriage is 50/50

This piece of bad marriage advice sounds fair at first. Why should anyone have to do more than the other? I mean, we’ve all met that guy who is lazy and demanding, and we all feel sorry for his wife. None of us want that marriage, so demanding an 50/50 split sounds reasonable.

However, a 50/50 marriage leads to discontent and keeping track of the other spouse’s contributions. Whether or not it was intentional, we’ve all caught ourselves doing this. We notice that we’ve taken out the garbage five times this week, but he hasn’t even done it once. We think, “It’s not fair that I always have to do that. What does he even do, anyway? Ugh, he thinks I’m his maid!”

Funnily enough, your husband might be noticing that he has emptied the dishwasher every night after returning from work this week. His thoughts on the matter might look a lot like yours concerning the garbage.

A marriage working with the 50/50 model doesn’t look like dying to self (Galatians 2:20). Rather, it is indicative of a selfish and demanding spouse. It looks nothing like how the Bible describes love.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

A Personal Example

Let me share a quick example from my own marriage. Having five kids, you know we have dealt with a lot of diapers over the years. Diapers are, without question, the worst part of having a baby. That’s how I see it anyway. Staying at home meant I handled the bulk of diaper duty. I wanted to pass all baby duty to my husband once he came home from work. It was his turn… Right?

I confess, sometimes I actually did that. Usually, this was because I was ill or it had been a particularly hard day. My husband didn’t complain. In fact, most days he volunteered to pitch in because he wanted to take some of the load off me, and he used it as an opportunity to spend time with his baby.

The real potential area of contention was the middle of the night diaper duty. My husband had work in the morning, but I was exhausted from a full day of baby and toddler duty while also breastfeeding. If there had ever been a time for a 50/50 split, this was it!

My husband, though, in the hardest days of newborn baby care chose to change our baby and bring him to me in bed so I could have a few extra minutes of sleep. I told him he didn’t have to, but he explained that he wanted to because he could see how tired I was. For him, it was a loving way to serve me and care for me. It didn’t matter that he had taken 100% of this duty because he didn’t approach our marriage by keeping score. Eventually, I took over most middle of the night diapers because I wanted to let him rest for work, and I felt rested enough to take over.

We didn’t keep count or hold it against each other when one of us did more undesirable tasks than the other. We are a team, and we willingly contributed as we saw fit.

A Better Take

Marriage is a partnership in which each spouse gives 100%. We are one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and we do well to treat each other that way. How should we treat the person with whom we are most intimate and bonded to for the rest of our lives? Do we keep count, or do we work together and be prepared to willingly and lovingly sacrifice for one another?

Bad Marriage Advice #5: If He’s The Right Guy, You Won’t Grow Apart

Here we go again with Mr. Right or soulmate messages. Years ago I saw a great meme on this subject. It summed up the entire discussion around the question, “Did I marry the right guy?”

So, if you married him, then he’s the right guy. The truth is that there is no One. It’s dangerous to believe that there could only be one person in the world for you because it feeds into the idea that the man you married might be the wrong one. If your marriage hits a rough patch and you hit it off with a co-worker, then suddenly you wonder if this co-worker is really The One.

Maybe it’s the romantic in me, but I personally believe God can and does bring people together. My husband and I have a beautiful story of God’s design that played out throughout our youth and brought us together in marriage. Part of why I feel comfortable saying that it was part of His design is because our marriage was established on Jesus Christ and our obedience to Him.

In contrast, if either of us had already been married and then divorced so that we could marry each other because we finally found The One, then I would be hard-pressed to defend that second marriage as something God brought together. God would never lead you to divorce your husband in order to pursue another man. Full stop. The man you married is the man you are meant to be with…in large part because you already married the guy.

“What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

Mark 10:9

We All Grow Apart

As for the second part of this bad marriage advice, we all grow apart. We change over time through circumstances and seasons. Hobbies, interests, food tastes, appearance, etc., are all open to possible change throughout a lifetime with someone. It doesn’t necessarily spell doom.

A marriage built on a relationship with Christ can endure a lot of differences. When the foundation of a marriage is strong and built on a biblical worldview, small changes won’t matter because the heart of who you two are doesn’t change.

Nevertheless, small changes can add up and feel like a major change. This is where the work of marriage comes in. Like any relationship, marriage requires intentional time and effort spent on it. My husband and I have drifted apart during various seasons. Between work, church, kids, the house, and hobbies we have found ourselves feeling disconnected. It doesn’t feel good, but it was so easy to fix. Seriously, we just carved out time to reconnect.

We talked about what was going on in our lives, what we wanted our future to look like, and silly stuff, too. And, this is important, we entered each other’s physical proximity! That sounds ridiculous, but I can’t tell you how easy it is, especially when babies are in the picture, to always have someone or something physically between the two of you. Physical contact, even when it isn’t sexual, is vital in a marriage to feel connection.

These little dates or evenings of intentional time with one another recalibrated our relationship. But the longer you wait, the harder it is because the distance feels more significant with time. Don’t wait. Prioritize each other now.

A Better Take

If you’re growing apart, take heart. This is normal. Be intentional in connecting with each other in whatever way makes sense for you as a couple. This is your husband, and your marriage is for life. Treat it that way.

Final Thought

So much of this popular marital advice comes from the wisdom of the world. It sounds all right, and we see others around us living by this bad marriage advice. We may end up adopting these ideas without even thinking about it. I’m asking you to think about it. Remember that true wisdom comes from the Lord, and it’s His ways that will lead you to a healthy and blessed marriage. Turn to Him for guidance.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.”

Proverbs 9:10

What do you think about this advice? Do you agree with me?

Have you heard any bad marriage advice I haven’t covered?

Image courtesy of Sergey Mikheev via Unsplash.