The 10 Worst Pieces Of Marriage Advice I’ve Ever Heard

Getting engaged is such a beautiful time in a woman’s life, and she wants to share the joy of the moment with everyone around her. People look at the ring, ask about wedding colors, compliment the fiancé, and begin to offer completely unsolicited marriage advice. Some of it is great, of course, but sometimes the advice is accompanied by a statement like this. “I know a lot about marriage. I have been married three times after all.” But, hey, maybe that person does know a lot about marriage. All I’m saying is my confidence in this advice doesn’t skyrocket when I hear that caveat.

So, who should give marriage advice? In a perfect world, people with bad advice would refrain from sharing, but I have yet to meet anyone who thinks they are giving bad advice. So, instead of waiting for a perfect world to happen, we should look at the advice we receive with a critical and discerning eye. Remember, you aren’t required to take the advice someone gives you. Just say, “Thanks,” and move on.

Without further ado, let’s jump into the top 10 worst pieces of marriage advice I’ve heard recently. By the way, this is in no particular order.

Worst Marriage Advice #1: “Happy Wife, Happy Life”

We’ve all heard this quote. Husbands are warned before tying the knot to ensure their wives are happy because that will allow them to live peacefully together. Now, I’m not going to argue that living peacefully is a bad thing. In fact, I highly recommend it. On the other hand, telling a husband to keep his wife happy in order to have a happy life, himself, feels off. What does that advice really tell us?

The “happy wife, happy life” mantra touches on some truth. Wife, you are the thermostat of your home. You set the temperature. But your husband should not have to placate to you and walk on eggshells in order to maintain a happy home. Your happiness and mood shouldn’t be dependent on your husband. You have complete agency over your behavior and the attitude you put out into the world.

Husband, you need to step up in the home and stop cowering in fear at your wife’s bad moods. Be open with her about how she is affecting the home’s environment and your relationship. This will foster honest, open, and healthy conversations in your relationship.

Everyone, no one spouse should experience happiness while the other desperately tries to maintain the positive mood in the home. Husbands don’t serve their wives while wives are solely served. We serve one another in love and obedience to Christ. Some days a husband will sacrifice something for his wife’s happiness, but a wife will also do the same for him.

Overall, this marriage advice creates a toxic relationship in which the wife is an emotional mess and the husband tries to quell the beast his wife. “Happy wife, happy life” is a prescription for a marriage that revolves around her alone.

A Biblical Reminder

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (emphasis mine)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

A marriage led by the “happy wife, happy life” mantra gives no opportunity for the wife to love her husband in a way that the verses above describe. Not only does that diminish the joy they can experience in their marriage, but it also takes away the blessings that naturally flow from loving each other in a biblical way.

Worst Marriage Advice #2: Never Go To Bed Angry

There is some wisdom in this marriage advice. If a couple is in the middle of a disagreement and has the opportunity to talk it out, then they absolutely should. I see no point in prolonging the argument. However, working things out right away is not always the best approach.

For example, a couple may be in an inappropriate setting for that kind of conversation. Perhaps, the couple has hit a wall in the disagreement, leaving them at a stalemate. The problem they are facing may be too big to fix in one sit-down. Not to mention, they just might need to cool off or get some rest because they are tired.

But Doesn’t The Bible Say To Never Go To Bed Angry?

No.

Here is the verse people regularly turn to when defending this claim.

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”

Ephesians 4:26

First, the verse does not condemn anger which is a common misunderstanding about Christians. A lot of people seem to think we can’t get angry because it is a sin. That’s not quite right. This verse warns us not to sin in our anger because anger, when handled incorrectly, easily transitions to sin.

That leads to the second point. Don’t sin in your anger. I might be mad, but it doesn’t give me the right to yell at my husband, say hurtful and disrespectful things, or become violent. My anger tips me off that something is amiss, and I need to deal with it but not sinfully.

Third, this verse tells us not to let the sun go down on our wrath, but this doesn’t mean to never sleep when you’re angry. The verse is directing us to handle our anger in a timely manner. Of all the wise statements in the Bible, this is among the top of my list. Our anger grows into roots of bitterness when we let it fester and refuse to deal with it. (Don’t ask how I know…)

Better marriage advice would be to take the time you need to work through the times you two are angry with each other, treat each other lovingly and respectfully, and don’t stew in that anger too long.

Worst Marriage Advice #3: The First Year Is The Hardest

I heard that our first year of marriage would be terrible from nearly everyone with whom I spoke. I actually started to get really scared about the whole thing. According to the married people I knew, my husband and I were about to embark upon a war of epic proportions and argue about everything.

The reality looked much different. We generally got along and enjoyed making a home together. In that first year we moved into a new apartment, experienced a pregnancy loss, got pregnant with our firstborn, became a one-income family, and had major difficulties with some relatives. That sounds like an incredibly stressful year, but it wasn’t. We were honest with one another, careful with our speech, and worked as a team while figuring out what our marriage would look like in practice.

Oh, yes, we’ve had tough seasons, and we have hurt each other. Nevertheless, we stayed rooted in Christ and dedicated to our marriage. That first year wasn’t hard. It was just new. You want hard? Let’s talk about selling a home while moving out of state with five children. That’s hard. It was still not that bad, though, because I had the blessing of going through it with my husband. (He’s pretty great.)

Marriage advice that paints an unflattering picture of marriage isn’t really all that helpful, especially when the advice doesn’t apply universally. Some people have the worst year of marriage in that first year while others are honeymooners that entire time. Stop scaring the kids, grandma!

Worst Marriage Advice #4: You Should Marry “The One”

That elusive “One.” If you’re like me and have a soft spot for romantic movies, then you have been on the receiving end of this message your whole life. I tried to find “The One” who was my missing puzzle piece person. The man who would never ever be anything other than Hallmark Christmas movie perfect.

I’m not kidding, though. I really did try to create movie meet-cutes. I would linger in the produce department at grocery stores, try to be noticed at bookstores reading books with interesting titles, sit alone at coffee shops looking approachable, and even arrange to be in male-dominated environments alone. It didn’t work.

I did meet the one for me, though. And if I ever have doubts in the future, my marriage certificate will remind me he’s “The One.”

Dangers Of “The One”

Thinking there is only one special personal for you is an unhealthy mindset. For one, it makes leaving your current spouse easier if you convince yourself that you accidentally married the wrong guy. “The One” must still be out there.

Second, if your spouse dies and you remarry, which husband was “The One?” I mean, the term strongly suggests there cannot be two…

Third, it makes the prospect of marriage much more frightening. The fear of marrying the wrong person is amped up when you believe there really is only one person in the entire world for you.

Finally, imagining a person who suits you perfectly can lead to some seriously unattainable standards. My husband and I are a great match. Actually, people comment on that rather regularly, but we aren’t a perfect match. That would be impossible.

Worst Marriage Advice #5: Have A Night Out At Least Once A Week

At first glance, this marriage advice seems sound. Taking time out for date nights and intentional time with your spouse is great for a marriage. Why don’t I like this advice? Well, for many couples it isn’t feasible to consistently meet that goal. Kids, work, friends, family, illness, low finances… The list of possible mitigating factors is endless.

So, is a married couple who has no access to childcare and is struggling financially expected to go out on a date at least once a week? According to this advice, it might be essential to a successful marriage.

In the end, though, the general idea here is helpful. I just wish it didn’t come with pressure to perform a particular behavior. As a mother of five, I have found that my husband and I can have an intentional time together anywhere, even at home. We have put the kids to bed early and had a dinner and movie night, planned out regular game nights, and other times we just stay up talking.

If you can go out weekly for a date night, then I think that’s wonderful. But don’t put that expectation on yourself. Work around your interests as a couple and your season of life. Fancy dinners and romantic strolls may take a backseat to videogames and making dinner together at home for a while. That’s all right.

Worst Marriage Advice #6: Your Spouse Completes You

Thanks to the movie Jerry Maguire, everyone knows this line. “You complete me.”

Every woman who watched this film swooned at the sentiment. Oh, to be the missing piece for the man you love! If that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is. It’s just, well, silly, and that statement is foolhardy, at best. Much like the idea of “The One,” spouses completing each other is impossible. Unless your spouse is not human, he is bound to disappoint and be lacking eventually at one time or another. Plan on it. Oh, and you’ll fall short of perfect, too.

Any marriage advice that places a spouse in a position to make or break your personal happiness and fulfillment is a set-up for failure.

Someone can complete you, though. Jesus.

“And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power:”

Colossians 2:10

The Bible clearly tells us that we are made complete in the Lord. We have all we need when we have Jesus. No matter how hard they try, our spouses can never be a replacement for a healthy, salvific relationship with Jesus Christ. The Lord is the one we ought to put our faith in, not a person.

Worst Marriage Advice #7: Watch Pornography Together/Have An Open Marriage

Sometimes sexual intimacy in a marriage can get a little stale or infrequent. If you have kids, a stressful work life, or health struggles, then you might know what I’m talking about. It’s not a big deal, and a couple can add the spark back to the relationship with some effort. However, a piece of marriage advice that is growing in popularity is to watch pornography together or try an open marriage. But this is like tossing a grenade into your marriage.

Pornography

Viewing pornography used to take effort and secrecy, but now you can accidentally come across it on a Google search if you aren’t careful. It’s commonplace, and some married couples are adding it to their sex lives.

On a practical level, porn use in a marriage is destructive. An article by Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT lists several ways pornography hurts marriages.

1. Breaks Trust.

2. Decreases Satisfaction

3. Obstructs Emotional Intimacy

4. Creates Unrealistic Expectations

5. Decreases Self-Esteem

This doesn’t even address addiction issues that pop up and the fact that many spouses participate in this activity because they are afraid their spouse will watch pornography secretly if they don’t.

Open Marriage

So, this one is a complete head-scratcher to me. I can’t figure out why anyone would willingly enter this sort of relationship, but it’s a real thing. For those of you fortunate enough to not know what an open marriage is, let me ruin that for you. It is when one or both spouses is allowed to have sexual partners outside of the marriage. Each couple creates rules and boundaries that work for them. But does it really work?

As I researched this marital arrangement, I came across a seemingly never-ending list of articles singing the praises of open marriages. Literally, brides.com and weddingwire.com had articles about the benefits of this sort of relationship. Is this the counsel newly engaged women can expect to receive while looking for wedding dresses and menu ideas for the reception? What an expectation with which to enter a marriage!

Just as in using pornography in marriage, an open marriage is damaging. Here are just a few pitfalls one encounters.

1. Jealousy

2. Higher Risk Of STDs

3. Neglecting Family For Time With Sexual Partners

4. One Spouse Secretly Being Uncomfortable

Sexuality In Marriage – God’s Way

Marriage advice that contradicts the Word is never a good idea, but sexual immorality in a marriage is so obviously damaging that 95% of Americans who are married or living with someone expect monogamy. Below are some verses instructing us on sex.

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

Hebrews 13:4

“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Exodus 20:14

“Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:”

Colossians 3:5

“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:”

1 Thessalonians 4:3

“But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;”

Ephesians 5:3

Worst Marriage Advice #8: If You Aren’t Happy In Your Marriage, Then Leave It

We don’t encourage men and women to fight for their marriages like we should. Instead, we tell them to ditch out if they don’t feel fulfilled or are unhappy. Happiness is a feeling, and feelings come and go as our circumstances change. I have literally been happy and laughing with friends, but have become instantly angry or sad because something in the environment changed. Feelings change so easily and quickly that it is unwise to make impactful decisions based on them.

Divorce Isn’t The Answer

*If you or your children are unsafe with your spouse, then get out immediately and seek assistance. Being physically abused or allowing your children to be abused is not the response you owe a dangerous spouse.*

The argument I can hear coming from a mile away is that sometimes divorce is permitted (i.e., infidelity) or unavoidable (i.e., your spouse divorces you, despite your objections). Yes, that’s correct. For my purposes, I’m just referring to unabusive, faithful marriages.

The truth is that most marriages that end in divorce could have healed and lasted a lifetime, but the world lies to us about divorce and marriage. The messaging in our cultural is to live our truth, seek personal fulfillment and satisfaction, make no compromises, and chase that happy life.

What does the Bible say about marriage and divorce? I wrote about divorce from a biblical perspective. You can read that HERE. For now, let’s look at Scripture.

What God Has To Say On Marriage And Divorce

“Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”

Luke 16:18

“But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”

Matthew 5:32

“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.”

1 Corinthians 7:10-11

“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

Matthew 19:6

Are you catching a theme? Recommending divorce because someone feels unhappy is completely unbiblical. Marriage is not meant to serve our every whim and make us feel good. Rather, we are to have children (if possible), serve the Lord in this institution (marriage) He created, and be a living picture of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:22-32). Marriage is not all work, though. It’s a blessing from God we are meant to enjoy.

Let’s give marriage advice that promotes sticking together rather than quitting because it’s too hard or not producing the emotional results for which the couple hoped. Let’s remind each other who we are serving in our marriages. I’ll give you a clue. It isn’t ourselves.

Worst Marriage Advice #9: You Can Fix Your Marriage By Buying A House, Having A Baby, Renovating The Kitchen, Etc…

This marriage advice is obviously bad, right? So, why do so many people seem to do this? Nothing says, “fixing a marriage,” quite like adding a tremendous amount of stress. If your marriage is struggling, adding more work and concerns will only add more pressure to a relationship already buckling under the weight of current stressors.

Rumor has it that I am the result of this foolproof way to save a marriage. I wasn’t there before I was born, but several sources have told me my parents were not doing well. My mom got pregnant to hold the relationship together. They divorced when I was seventeen. Did it work? Not really. At best, she bought some time, but I didn’t fix their marriage. All of the possible “fixes” are just distractions from the real problem.

I wonder how many kitchen renovations began due to a couple willing to do anything to avoid a difficult conversation.

Worst Marriage Advice #10: Stay Together For The Kids

Staying for the sake of the children sounds noble. After all, plenty of research has shown that divorce can have long-lasting detrimental effects on the children. A loving parent wouldn’t want that. Therefore, the first option in a struggling marriage is to stick it out and deal with the relationship until the kids move out.

The parent has to manage in this hollow relationship because the second, and only other, option is to divorce and lose time with the kids…or is it? Though it’s shocking for some to hear, there is a third option.

The third way to approach a struggling marriage when there are kids in the home is to stay married and actively work on the marriage. Demonstrate integrity, faithfulness, and hard work to the children. Usually, children know their parents’ marriage is not going well. So, parents don’t need to be shy about letting their children see them working at better communication, serving one another, and whatnot.

There is a false dichotomy presented to people in flailing marriages. They are told they can end it or stay “for the sake of the kids.” This marriage advice is so detrimental because it ignores that what is best for the parents and the children is to stay married and work at having a strong, healthy marriage.

Stay together. Do it in obedience to the Lord. Do it for yourselves. But don’t phone it in so the kids can have parents sharing an address. That’s not enough, and everyone walks away hurt and damaged.

Final Thought

Not all marriage advice is good advice, even when the person giving it is in a healthy, successful marriage. Frankly, we don’t know what her relationship looks like behind closed doors, therefore, the marriage might not be all it seems to be. Here’s my point. Think critically and use discernment before you follow advice concerning your marriage. Consider the source, decide if it aligns with God’s Word, and don’t believe it simply because the world trusts it.

I’d love to hear what kind of marriage advice you’ve received over the years. Share the best and worst advice you’ve gotten.

Image courtesy of Nathan Dumlao via Unsplash.