Maybe Mom Guilt Isn’t Such A Bad Thing
Can moms ever do anything right? According to modern culture, the answer has been a resounding “no.” Should you breastfeed or use formula? Either choice will be wrong to someone in your life. Debating whether or not to be a stay-at-home mom? Sorry, but both paths are wrong. Spending all your money on local organic groceries? Stop it, you crunchy mom. Oh, you’re feeding your family on a budget and shopping at chain grocers? Ugh, you’re killing your family with that food! Ladies, it can feel as if nothing you do is good enough. I wonder, though, if criticism directed at moms is always bad. Although moms don’t need society to micromanage them, it’s possible that a little mom guilt might do us good.
Damaging Encouragement
In the last few years, the knee-jerk reaction to the constant scrutiny moms received has been indiscriminate approval. You might see a mom post a series of videos online of her filthy home and perpetually sniffly kids in which she sheepishly admits she has fed her children McDonald’s five times that week. Anyone watching can see she’s struggling, but the Internet becomes a virtual cheer section rather than an actual helpful online community. Viewers write statements such as:
“Mama, you’ve got this!”
“Don’t worry. You’re doing fine!”
“You’re doing your best, and that’s all that matters.”
OK, but this makes me cringe a little bit. We all go through hard times, and I’m not trying to raise the bar to an unreachable height. I mean, my home is never as clean as I would like it to be because the people who live in it keep on living in it. You know what I mean?
And while I’m being transparent, I should tell you that I’m definitely not above ordering pizza because I “just can’t” with dinner some nights. Sometimes we need to give ourselves some grace and be all right with taking the “easy” route. We don’t need to aspire to the fantasy world that is tradwife living. On the other hand, is anything permissible and worthy of congratulations just because you’re a mom saying you tried your best?
Apparently, there is very little left that we should consider bad parenting. Any criticism or vocalized concern about a mother’s decisions is often met with, ironically, criticism for criticizing.
“Moms, Don’t Encourage Mom Guilt”
Women standing by women at all times is a popular approach. For example, it isn’t good enough to support small businesses. Ladies, you must support women-owned businesses because they are women-owned. Are they better businesses? Sometimes they are, but that isn’t the point. Also, voting is an important part of being a good American citizen, but you better be voting for females. And don’t forget, if a woman accuses a man of a crime against her, then it is your duty to believe all women and destroy the man she accused despite the fact that you don’t have all the information yet. As Kathleen Kennedy promoted while ruining the Star Wars franchise, the future is female, honey.
(Image courtesy of The Archer School for Girls)
I’m in favor of women supporting and mentoring one another. That’s a biblical idea, actually. I want women to succeed at their goals and to have a community supporting them, but is applauding poor parenting choices really support? I struggle to see how potentially making a woman feel mom guilt in a genuine attempt to help guide her to healthy and safe choices for her family is a bad thing. If I’m completely honest, and I am to a fault (sorry, not sorry), I believe guilt and shame can be useful teaching tools.
Mom Guilt Defined
If you grew up with a mom like mine, you definitely heard “for shame” often. Those words tended to bounce right off me, and I felt no shame or guilt. There were plenty of times she was not in the right when she said those words to me, but I can see now, literally decades later, that I deserved some of it. I truly should have felt shame or guilt, but I ignored my mother and maintained the same sinful attitude and engaged in the same behaviors. I rejected guilt and shame completely as unjust concepts no one should have to deal with, and this conveniently allowed me to avoid facing my sins, weaknesses, and areas of concern in my life.
What Is Guilt?
Merriam-Webster defines guilt as “a feeling of deserving blame for offenses.” Do you see a problem with guilt based on that definition? I don’t. Feeling guilt demonstrates self-reflection and a willingness to take responsibility for one’s own actions. Guilt motivates us to seek reconciliation and to adjust our behavior in order to not feel guilty again. Guilt, in its proper context, is good. Mom guilt is just feeling properly guilty for what one has done as a mother when it was wrong.
What Is Shame?
The definition for shame is “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.” You might assume I’m a proponent of shame, but I think shame has problems associated with it. Shame is often a deep feeling of unworthiness due to outside forces. Due to shame, we might end up saying something such as “I’m a bad person.” Spiritually speaking, that comment is correct. Jesus Himself said no one is good aside from God.
“And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none is good, save one, that is, God.”
Luke 18:19
So, shame felt at realizing one’s sin and coming to repentance due to that shame is not something I could rightfully oppose. Shame for things that have nothing to do with sin, however, is problematic to me, and we need to be careful about how we use that word.
Mom Guilt And Shame Applied
Our goal, ladies, is not to guilt or shame anyone. Mom guilt is typically meant as a reference to women being bullied and guilted over personal parenting choices that have no moral grounds. I’ve literally watched a woman get lambasted for buying baby food instead of pureeing her own. I’m going to take the brave stance right now and publicly declare that buying baby food is an appropriate choice for mothers to make. Whew! I’m glad I got that out of my system.
When we appropriately comment on a woman’s decisions as a mother, she may feel guilty as a result. That is completely reasonable and natural if she was in the wrong. Despite what pop culture wants us to believe, there is right and wrong.
If someone we speak to feels shame afterwards, we should consider if we shamed them or if they are convicted by the Holy Spirit. Our sin should make us feel shame. If it doesn’t, perhaps we don’t grasp how much God hates it. Or do we not love Him more than that sin? Thankfully, we can find forgiveness in the Lord, but we have to acknowledge our sin and confess.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:9
Sometimes shame is the that corrective discipline we need from our Heavenly Father to repent and make a change.
When Does Mom Guilt Rightly Apply?
Not everything can be categorized as right or wrong, so mom guilt is not always a proper reaction. In fact, criticism from others might be completely out of bounds. For instance, a mother who refuses to pay for her children’s car insurance might get some heat for being a morally bad mom. “They’re still children! They can’t afford that!” Meanwhile, that household may have a rule that once a teenager has a job, he or she must pay for insurance. Neither of these is an offense against anyone, just two different yet acceptable ways to parent.
Earning Mom Guilt
Then, does anything deserve mom guilt? Yes!
1. Supporting LGBTQ+ Lifestyle And Worldview
The LGBTQ+ lifestyle is sin. Full stop. Sure, some churches support LGBTQ+ communities, but encouraging these behaviors can only hurt our sons and daughters.
There are physical dangers inherently in the hormone therapies and sex reassignment surgeries. Even homosexual acts come with their own set of risks. However, the spiritual repercussions of allowing our children to support and engage in sin is immeasurable (Genesis 19:1-13; Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9).
2. Allowing Unfettered Access To Media
Everyone’s media standards differ some. I allow my children to watch Disney movies with witchy villains and dark magic (Think: Ursula, the Evil Queen, Maleficent). We understand it to be imaginary and always a tale of good triumphing over evil. Others are horrified by my permitting this. We have standards, though, and we allow our children limited and age-appropriate access to music, shows, and movies. The most controversial way we do this is by not letting our children have phones. (Note: None of my kids work yet, and I assume we’ll need to navigate phones in that circumstance.)
Ultimately, we hold our family to particular standards in an attempt, though sometimes a clumsy one, at honoring God while also navigating life in a device and media saturated world. We are introducing technology and media as it’s appropriate, and we take the time to discuss it and explain why we have the standards we do.
A mother who allows her children to watch and listen to whatever they want to is in the wrong. She is not protecting her children from vulgar, ungodly, and pornographic media. She isn’t protecting them from content that pushes lies and blasphemy. Her children need guidance, but she’s leaving them to figure it out alone. So, yes, she should feel some mom guilt when she discovers her eight year old has encountered pornography because she allowed unsupervised access to media.
3. Letting The Children Choose The Church
This is common. The children don’t prefer the church mom and dad attend, therefore, the parents decide to either switch to a church the children like or to attend a different church from their kids. While I would advocate for letting children make increasingly significant decisions in their lives as they mature, the church they’ll attend is not one of them. The potential consequences are frightening.
Prominent Southern Baptist pastor, Tom Buck, said this on the subject.
Children, even teenagers, usually don’t have the discernment to choose a theologically sound church. Most likely, they are looking to go where classmates attend, or they want to go where the music is more to their taste or youth ministries seem fun.
Moms, attend church as a family, discuss what you are learning there, and serve at the church together. Mom guilt is not inappropriate when you have given your children permission to choose a separate church family which essentially cuts you out as a primary spiritual influence.
These are only three examples, but we could add plenty of other parenting choices that have clear rights and wrongs associated with them including immodesty in dress and behavior, unhealthy/unsafe eating habits, and allowing too much freedom. None of these things is easy to measure, but most Christians know when something has gone too far. All I’m saying is that we shouldn’t be scared to voice our concerns in a loving way because we might hurt a mom’s feelings.
Final Thought
Life is filled with gray areas, but black and white still exists. No amount of wishing for gray is going to make it a reality even if it would make your life a little easier. As moms, that’s where we live. We exist in a world of gray, doing our best to raise our children well. Our intentions are good, and our execution is passable (we hope). But we struggle to recognize the clear indicators of wrong choices. Perhaps it’s pride or fear. Maybe we simply don’t know. How can we do a better job doing right by our children?
Mom guilt. As a community of mothers, let’s get over the fear of making other moms feel bad and give ourselves the freedom to offer help. Feeling guilt over doing the wrong thing is healthy and will correct us. Experiencing shame for sins we’ve committed as mothers can bring us back to the Lord to seek forgiveness and guidance. Let’s not purpose to make others feel mom guilt, but can we stop thinking of it as the monster under the bed? Instead, let’s think of mom guilt as a friend who can gently guide us back on the path we want to be on.
What is your experience with mom guilt?
Image courtesy of Benjamin Manley via Unsplash.
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