How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Sexual Intimacy
You can’t write a series on marriage without some discussion of sexual intimacy. Trust me. I’ve tried. I’m a forty-one-year-old woman who blushes at the mere mention of sex, but I just cannot see a way around it. I mean, without the sexual portion, marriage is pretty much a really committed friendship. So, let’s march on with our heads held high as I address sex and why something so natural and God-given can end up being such a complicated hot mess.
What I Am Not Talking About
This post is not a discussion of sexual assault, harassment, abuse, molestation, or any other violent and/or criminal acts. Today’s blog post is also not addressing physical challenges to a healthy sexual relationship such as vaginismus or medical conditions that limit mobility. Lastly, I will not discuss mental illness or trauma here. I’m not ignoring these issues, but they are not the focus of this entry on the How To Sabotage Your Marriage series.
What I Am Talking About
Today’s post is meant to be a discussion of sexual relationships within the biblical confines of healthy, safe marriages. If your marriage is not safe and you need help to leave and find safety, please call 911 if you require immediate assistance. Otherwise, below are two hotlines that can provide guidance in helping you make steps toward safety. Seriously, your faith in Christ does not mean you have to allow someone to abuse you.
National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
National Sexual Assault Hotline – (800) 656-HOPE (4673)
Why Leave So Much Out?
Sex is an issue loaded with subtopics and areas to tackle. I can’t take them all on in one fell swoop. I will likely come back to some of the other issues that come up in Christian sex lives, but for today our focus will remain small.
So, let’s get on with it.
Sexual Intimacy In Marriage Should Be A Priority
The Bible Says Sex Is Important
We’re Christians, so let’s start with the Bible. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” It doesn’t say can be one flesh or even should be one flesh. God says SHALL be one flesh. So, it means it is going to happen. God created sex for marriage, and we are only two chapters into the Word when He tell us so. This is pretty basic and foundational stuff.
Then, there’s the fact that Song of Solomon…exists. The book I have heard preached less than any other must be this one. What is it about? First, we encounter a man and woman involved in a courtship who describe their desire and love for one another. Then, those lovebirds get hitched! In this section the groom tells his new wife how beautiful she is in some very interesting language. Case in point:
“Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” (ESV)
Song of Solomon: 4:5-7
That’s not exactly what a guy would text nowadays, huh?
The final section of Song of Solomon shows the bride afraid of separation and her groom’s reassurance of his love for her. It’s quite sweet, and the entire book pictures marriage positively and, rather specifically, presents marital sex as a good thing for both husband and wife to enjoy.
Our Bodies Release Hormones During Sex That Are Good For Us
Sexual activity releases dopamine. This is sometimes called the “feel-good” hormone and is a part of your brain’s reward system. Oxytocin is also a positive hormone released from physical intimacy. This one is the bonding hormone. It makes you feel close to your spouse emotionally. (Side Note: Oxytocin also refutes the claim that attachment-free sex can really ever be a thing. “Friends with benefits” ultimately becomes “friends with broken hearts and confusion.”) Lastly, our bodies release endorphins during sex much like they do during exercise. Endorphins reduce pain and stress. So, when a married couple engages in sexual intimacy it can lead to a hit of dopamine, a stronger emotional connection, and stress and pain relief. Not a bad deal…
Sexual Intimacy Has Multiple Health Benefits
Sex is good for your health! No, don’t replace healthy eating and exercise with just this, but isn’t it nice to know that God designed sex in marriage to be a healthy thing? Here are some of the health benefits.
1. lowers blood pressure
2. burns calories
3. improves overall heart health
4. strengthens muscles
5. improves sleep
6. improves the immune system
Why Sexual Intimacy Goes Wrong
Expectations
I’ve written about expectations in marriage before. They can really mess up a good thing. The two BIGGIES in this category include that sex won’t take work and that the husband and wife will have the same sex drive.
Time to burst the bubble. It will take work. If you’re a virgin when you marry, then there are some obvious areas of work ahead of you. That’s wonderful, though. Marriage is for life, and you have plenty of time to figure out how sexual intimacy will play out in your lives. There are far worse things in life to learn than how to please each other in the bedroom. (Taxes, anyone?) However, some couples run into snags here, or they feel defeated because they expected everything to just fall into place perfectly. Name any other time that something new just instantly worked out perfectly in your life. I’ll wait.
Nothing has done that. And sex won’t either.
What if you aren’t a virgin bride, or he’s had past sexual experiences? Well, there’s still work to do. In fact, past experiences with other partners can end up being a head game for one or both people. Additionally, the longer you’re together creating more sexual experiences in your marriage, the more likely your preferences will change which adds new potential challenges. Finally, it’s easy to be on autopilot after time goes on and things seem to be going well. But the work shouldn’t stop after the honeymoon. And remember, no one says it has to be bad work.
As for having the same sex drive, well, it’s possible. However, it is more likely that you will enter marriage with different drives and that your own drive will change over the years, as will his. If couples don’t compromise and discuss an agreeable arrangement, then this can be a serious area of contention and mutual dissatisfaction.
Pregnancy/Children
Ever gained fifty pounds over the course of nine months and then pushed a child out of the most sensitive part of your body? I have. Five times. None of that ever felt sexy, and the hospital sent me home with a libido killer each time. Kids are worth every struggle, late night, pain, and tear. But seriously, they do steal away some of the heat from a marriage.
I know this is not an across-the-board experience, but it is a common one. Some women have easy pregnancies, but so many of us experience severe nausea, pain, fatigue, massive weight gain, and other symptoms that I can’t even write because…no. Just no.
Once the baby is born, again we see varied experiences. Some ladies are back in the habit of regular life quickly. Others suffer from post-partum complications that can leave marriages in difficult times, sexually and otherwise.
No more babies now? Just kids? Easy peasy, right? Sometimes. Busyness, stress, high needs children, potty training, and a myriad of other things can still kill your sex drive or make it hard to find a time and place!
Poor Church Teaching
I’d like to think that all churches teach about sexuality in a healthy manner, but it seems like that is not always the case. So, ladies may be entering a marriage feeling like they can never turn down their husbands’ sexual advances. Maybe that doesn’t seem so bad at first until one night you really don’t want to and feel used and demoralized when it’s over.
Maybe your husband was taught that you don’t have sexual desires like he does, and you are in sin if you turn him down for any reason. He might believe it’s part of your job as his wife, no matter when he asks. This sort of distorted thinking about sexuality in marriage is not uncommon, and it creates stress and resentment in the relationship.
Additionally, the teaching many churches focus on is that sex is bad and sinful. It’s nearly all young people hear about in some circles. Then, they are expected to see it as a gift and beautiful expression of love between husband and wife as soon as they are married, despite the fact that the church presented it in a negative light most of their youth. Whiplash much?
Baggage From Past Sexual Relationships
Past sexual sin. This can cause a lot of stress in a marital relationship. Specifically, I’m thinking about adultery and homosexuality (1 Corinthians 6:9-10), fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), and pornography (2 Timothy 2:22). If you are saved, then you are forgiven of all the sexual sins of your past. However, forgiveness does not erase consequences.
Your husband may occasionally struggle with concerns about whether or not he lives up to your past. He may wonder if you have moved on from a previous lover. You might wonder the same about him. Sometimes the most difficult part of a sexual past, however, is what goes on in your own mind concerning your history. You might experience guilt or shame years after the fact. Perhaps, you have sexual trauma that triggers unwanted reactions during intimate moments. Maybe you had adulterous parents, and now you have a hard time trusting and fully giving yourself over to your husband.
God hasn’t given us a list of sexual don’ts just to be a wet blanket. His commands are meant to protect us, and we suffer the consequences when we do not obey His Word. And those consequences can be far-reaching and long-lasting.
How To Make Sexual Intimacy Good
This is not a how-to guide. You can talk to someone else about that. But I do have some thoughts on how we can combat potential roadblocks in our marriage beds.
Be Friends
True physical intimacy relies on a deeper relationship, and friendship helps us care about and invest in one another deeply. The relationship has a strong and resilient foundation because it is built upon more than just the physical.
Spend time together doing fun things. Other fun things, I mean… Talk about things that are important to each other and truly listen. Frankly, if you aren’t already friends, really focus on that because you missed a vital step.
Only Have Eyes For Each Other
It might sound easy, but I mean more than just don’t ogle other men. Stop watching movies and shows that feature sex and sexualized men and women. I say this a lot because Christians are quite lazy about what they put in front of their eyes. It isn’t neutral. It will affect how you see your husband and your marriage. You might even need to ditch the romance novels if they are leading to fantasies about the characters or to dissatisfaction with your man.
Do I need to tell you erotic novels and pornography are a no-go? Just don’t touch those.
Show Care Non-Sexually
The best thing my husband ever learned was that he is absolutely sexy to me when he cleans up after himself, remembers to do something I asked him to do around the house, and does dishes (I really detest dishes). He’s lightening my load when he does this, and it also fills an emotional need because he shows that he loves me by taking care of me in this way.
What can you do for your man? What can he do for you? Think of ways to show how much you appreciate each other outside of the bedroom, and it will make you feel more apt to come to bed in the mood to show more appreciation.
Touch Non-Sexually
A non-sexual touch can be holding hands, linking arms, rubbing his forearm, putting his arm around you while you watch a movie, etc. Honestly, all these touches can transition into sexual ones, but they don’t have to. And that’s the point. A touch from your spouse shouldn’t feel like it comes with expectations or strings attached. A touch from your husband should allow you to respond naturally no matter where that takes you.
Communicate
Communication is probably the key to success in every area of our marriages. Remember that he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. Tell him how your sexual relationship makes you feel. Do you feel like he considers you and your needs when you are intimate? Does he have expectations you feel you can’t meet? Is everything great? Whatever it is, let him know. He probably wants to know.
Be Sexually Intimate On A Regular Basis
“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
1 Corinthians 7:2-5
Not Just For Men
I’ve seen these verses taken and used to say a woman has no rights to say “no,” and she is at her husband’s beck and call. That’s wrong for a couple of obvious reasons. First, it definitely doesn’t sound like a husband loving his wife like Christ loves the Church, as instructed in Ephesians 5:25.
Second, it ignores that these verses are speaking to men’s responsibility to their wives, as well. We can see that husbands and wives are to give themselves over to each other. So, women are sexual beings, too, despite how it is often taught in Christian marriage books. These verses are describing sex as a two-way street, not as sexual slavery for women.
Withholding Sexual Intimacy
Maybe one of the reasons so many Christian authors paint sex in marriage as something women are not interested in is because women appear to be much more likely to refuse it than men. Now, let’s clarify something. Scripture doesn’t list how often married couples should be physically intimate, so we can’t get too stuck on numbers. Once a week might be perfect for one couple while another couple averages daily. But I think we all know if the frequency has gone from “low but normal” to just “nope,” then there’s a problem.
There are seemingly countless reasons for wives to lose interest in sex.
1. her appearance
2. her husband’s appearance
3. fatigue
4. lack of sexual satisfaction
5. distraction
6. stress
7. anxiety
8. past trauma
9. fear of becoming pregnant
10. being pregnant
I could go on, but I believe that the main reason Christian women struggle with regularly having sex with their husbands is that they do not know or believe that sex is good in God’s eyes. Admittedly, this is based on anecdotal evidence, but it seems pervasive enough to mention.
Yes, Sex Is Good
1. God created sex.
We know it is good because He called everything He created “good” in Genesis. He created it for man and woman in a marriage covenant, therefore, we have no reason to feel as if marital sex is a sin or “bad.” Do we conflate sinful sexual acts with marital sex in our minds? Possibly. I think sometimes, especially if we have that sinful sexual history, we struggle to separate God’s beautiful design for sexual intimacy and the world’s hijacked version of sex that tarnishes that beauty.
2. Bonding
Sexual intimacy is another way for married couples to bond. We marry someone and pledge to live our lives together. This includes emotional closeness, spiritual closeness, and physical closeness (i.e., one flesh intimacy).
3. God designed the science of sex.
As I discussed earlier, sex is meant for husband and wife. However, if God’s Word wasn’t enough to convince you, check out the biology of it all. God created us in such a way that sex is pleasurable to us both and (thanks to hormones) also creates a feeling of euphoria and deep connection. God knew that we need that extra connection to stay together, especially when times get tough.
4. Babies
Sure, not everyone can have babies, and sex will not always result in a baby. But God said to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 9:7). And we know that babies are good because Psalm 127:3-5 tells us that children are a blessing. So, if babies are good to have, and God said to have babies… You see where I’m going, right?
Final Thought
I hope you are reading this and thinking, “Julie, my sex life with my husband is great and always has been.” That would be such a blessing to hear. I know it’s true for many marriages, but I also know it is or was a negative aspect of many other marriages. Christians are not immune to sexual struggles, and in some cases, are more likely to have them because of the taboo nature of the topic in many churches. Where’s the line? Sex is private, but how can a Christian woman seek counsel when she thinks there might be trouble in that area of her marriage? Write a blog post, I guess, and hope those ladies see it?
Our culture has taken a beautiful part of marriage and twisted it with sin. Christians don’t have to, though. We can seek out what the Word has to say about sexual intimacy and apply it lovingly to our marriages. We need to teach our children the truth about sex…all of the truth. Don’t send those young people into adulthood unprepared for one of the key elements of marriage!
Finally, relax and remember God made this type of intimacy for you and your husband. It is meant to be meaningful, fun, and pleasurable to both of you. So, let it be.
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