10 Suggestions For Engaged Christian Couples

My husband and I didn’t have the typical American engagement experience. We got engaged over the phone after the conversation progressed to a natural “now what are we gonna do” moment, and then we spent most of the two months leading up to our wedding living a five-hour plane ride away from one another. I planned it all, and he picked up and moved his entire life to be with me. Thankfully, we are a well-matched couple because we missed some important conversations and experiences to help us prepare for marriage. After fourteen years together and ministering to married (and about to be married) couples, I have a little advice for engaged Christian couples to make the transition a little smoother.

Engagement: Deceptively Simple

How difficult is it to be engaged? Y’all put in the time to date and get to know one another, you put yourselves out there and loved someone, and he took the leap and popped the question. After, “Yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!,” what’s left?

As you may have guessed (or maybe you remember), the time between “yes” and “I do” can be a hectic blur of planning and feel like an emotional roller coaster. It seems so simple, though, doesn’t it? All you have to do is plan a wedding together and vow to be together until one of you dies. No pressure…

Before you get overwhelmed, take a step back and put things in perspective. Are flowers and bridesmaid dresses really that important? What matters most, and are you prioritizing it? Are you letting your engagement take over your life?

10 Tips For Engaged Christian Couples

1. The Wedding Is Just A Day

The average wedding in the United States costs $29,000. That’s a whole lot of money to spend on one day of your life, but hey, spend it if you choose. I’m not here to talk down about people spending a lot of money on their weddings. However, that number does tell us that people take weddings seriously, and they are clearly turning it into a big event.

With that kind of cash being spent, it’s no surprise that some women end up taking on the moniker, “Bridezilla.”

A common problem, though, is that engaged couples can become so tunnel-visioned that they don’t think about much else beyond the wedding day…and night. *clears throat*

I’m from the suburbs of Chicago, and weddings for many people I have known had to live up to a fairly high standard. Meanwhile, the weddings I’ve been to in rural areas have been much more laidback and low maintenance. Guess what. In the end, it didn’t matter what kind of wedding these couples had. The marriage had little to nothing to do with the wedding. Your wedding, as wonderful as it may be, is only a day.

Enjoy your wedding, make it what you want, but also remember that your marriage is far more important than the party you’re throwing.

2. Plan For The Everyday Marriage

After recognizing that your wedding is a day while marriage is a lifetime, you need to start planning for that lifetime. Engaged Christian couples planning for the future might know exactly what they want. I love this! Set those goals and pursue them, you guys, but what about the smaller things?

The big goals can be easy to set, but what do you expect an average Tuesday to look like? Let me tell you how my marriage began regarding the everyday stuff. My husband came into our marriage with a weekly schedule of the spiritual activities we would complete each day. I didn’t know this ahead of time, and I felt uncomfortable being told, without a conversation, that he expected me to complete his checklist.

That list wasn’t successful because it wasn’t based in reality, and it didn’t reflect us as a married couple. My husband’s heart was in the right place, and now we laugh about it. We should have discussed what we thought daily life would look like before we got married. Instead, we figured it out the hard way.

The future may hold big things for your marriage, but it holds more average days than anything else. Plan for those and circumvent those avoidable disagreements.

3. Set The Tone With Your Families Now

From time to time, families create a great deal of stress for engaged Christian couples. The bride and groom may find out their parents have been dreaming of this day, too, and they expect demand to have an equal part in the planning. Suddenly, no one can agree on the venue, food, minister, etc., and the engaged couple has to decide which side to take. “My family or my fiancé?”

Let me make it easy for you. Choose your fiancé. Every time. Set the tone during your engagement by making it clear that you and your significant other are a united front. In dysfunctional families, the parents or other relatives are going to assert control. These are the stereotypical mothers-in-law who wedge themselves into the marriage. Don’t give them an opportunity to come between you two.

So, make it clear from the beginning you are a team. This isn’t a license to disrespect your family, but rather a reminder that you are leaving your family of origin to begin a new one. Act like it.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

4. You Are Becoming A Family

With Genesis 2:24 in mind, consider what is happening when you get married. The two of you are becoming family. People commonly refer to having your first child together as “starting a family,” but that ship has sailed by then. You are “one flesh” and committed to one another for life. You’re family as soon as you make your vows. Every engaged Christian couple needs to understand that going into marriage.

Of course, you’re still family with your parents and siblings, but they should shift down on your list of familial priorities. The idea that your husband is closer family to you and takes priority over your parents is often received poorly (to put it nicely). Are you ready for that?

5. Engaged Christian Couples Are Not Married Ones…Yet

“We’re practically married.” “We love each other, and we know we’re getting married…” “Aren’t we married in God’s eyes because we’re engaged?”

You’re not married, folks, so you still need to act like it. Oh, it can certainly be tempting to push the boundaries or finally give in to temptations and societal expectations once you’ve got the ring on your finger. But a higher level of temptation doesn’t make it right, you know?

Co-workers may wonder why you don’t just move in together before the wedding. They might have some logistical arguments for why it will make transitioning into married life easier. Perhaps, they’ll suggest it will be good practice to see what living together is like. That might sound convincing, but it doesn’t help your marriage in any way. All it really does is tempt you to engage in sexual intimacy before the wedding and devalue the sacred union of marriage.

Speaking of which, sexual intimacy, to be clear, is reserved for married couples. So, that leaves you out of the running while you are still engaged. You might feel married, but you are not. Full stop.

6. Keep The Engagement Short

I am a proponent of short engagements. “Short” is a relative term, but most of us recognize when we’ve left short territory and entered into a long engagement. There is something about an engagement that lasts years that makes me question if those two even want to be married. If you know this is the person, then there aren’t many reasons to drag your feet.

Some conservative Christians suggest short engagements to help stay out of sexual sin. I’m not sure I agree with that outlook. Sex shouldn’t be the driving force behind why we marry. Plus, someone who needs to run down the aisle to avoid fornication may not be mature to get married, anyway.

7. Seek Wise Counsel

I’ve met several engaged Christian couples who really understood that they needed counsel, and I have high hopes for successful and fulfilling marriages for them. They are couples who seek out guidance, ask questions, and understand that others have knowledge that can help them grow as a couple and individuals. These couples are starting marriage with the right approach.

However, this approach will backfire if the counsel comes from the wrong sources. Naturally, most of us turn to those close to us for advice, but should we? For starters, our counsel ought to come from fellow believers. Your dad might be intelligent and caring, but his advice on a biblical marriage doesn’t carry much weight if he isn’t a Christian.

In addition, seek counsel from someone who demonstrates godly character and traits you want, as well. I turned to my pastor’s wife and other godly women in my church as I prepared to marry. I wanted to be able to have those talks with my mom, but she was divorced from my father and in a bad second marriage at the time. She didn’t seem to know how to be a good wife. Therefore, I found women who were living for Jesus, loved their husbands, and worked to improve their marriages.

I feel like I should add that the women I sought for counsel were not without fault. Some of their counsel included telling me about their failings and sin issues within their marriages. They had worked through those issues, and they were able to help me by being transparent about what they had learned and how they learned it.

8. Get On The Same Spiritual Page

This is another example of something my husband and I should have discussed, but by God’s grace, ended up working out anyway. Don’t be like us, and have serious conversations about your faith and what you believe. Ensure that your beliefs are compatible.

Too many engaged Christian couples make assumptions about their fiancés’ faith. I’ve been shocked by how many women I’ve met who married a man they thought was a believer but years later revealed he didn’t believe or no longer believed. He attended church, knew the Christianese jargon, and he said he was a Christian. Unfortunately, many of these couples didn’t sit down and investigate what the other truly believed.

It’s unlikely you’ll agree on 100% of spiritual issues over the course of a lifetime, but you must agree on the essentials such as the deity of Christ, the resurrection, and the authority of Scripture. This is a great conversation to have at pre-marital counseling with your pastor.

9. Pray Together

Praying together is one of the most intimate things a married couple can do. Assuming you aren’t praying for better weather and other topical things, you will be sharing your heart and part of your relationship with Jesus with your spouse. Praying with or without someone can be a difficult habit to form, so start now while you’re engaged. It will keep you accountable in your prayer life and draw you closer to your fiancé.  

10. Don’t Let Your Fiancé Usurp Your Relationship With The Lord

This might be the most important piece of advice. Don’t lose sight of Jesus because you are engaged. Even good things can become sin, and marriage is a common idol for Christian women. Sure, marriage is a good thing, but there is no such thing as a good idol.

No relationship should draw you away from your relationship with Jesus. As soon as your fiancé is taking priority over the Lord, something is wrong and needs to be fixed as soon as possible.

Use this time to grow in your faith alone and with your future spouse. Just don’t use this time to push aside your faith. Jesus still remains the most important part of your life.

Final Thought

There is always someone ready with advice to hand out, and few know that better than engaged Christian couples. Churches are filled with helpful ladies who can’t stop themselves. They should start a blog and put their advice there… Being engaged can be stressful and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Take it easy and lean on Jesus. Your life is about to change forever, so use this time to prepare for the adventure that lies in front of you.

What advice would you give to engaged Christian couples?

Image courtesy of Ryan Hoffman via Unsplash.