Christian, Should You Shelter Your Child?

I was born in the 1980’s when sheltering children wasn’t really a thing. I came home on the bus to an empty apartment every day after school, left on a Saturday morning to play with friends with no instructions besides “be home for dinner,” and I spent my summers alone at the pool and wandering the neighborhood while my parents worked. Perhaps this was too much freedom because the next generation of parents became quintessential helicopter parents. This approach doesn’t just shelter your child, it smothers your child!

Somewhere around the time that helicopter parents began calling their children’s college professors about “unfair” bad grades, people began to wake up and realize parents needed to back off a bit and let their kids be more independent. But would you believe it? As a culture, we have swung the pendulum too far again in response to our past. Now, the world says a mother who shelters her children is a bad parent, maybe even abusive. Meanwhile, parents who allow their children to make life-altering decisions, such as changing their sex, are seen as the epitome of parenting.

So, shelter your child or not? And are these the only two choices we have: Letting your children do whatever they want to or be an overbearing parent?

What Does “Sheltered Child” Mean?

I think we all know what a sheltered child is, but I also understand that some people think prohibiting highly sexualized media in children’s entertainment is “sheltering.” Therefore, we may benefit from clarifying what I mean.

When I say a child is sheltered, I do not mean that as a derogatory statement. Sheltering can be good or bad. My view is that to shelter your child is to act as a line of defense between your child and outside influences. As parents, we decide which influences are appropriate and when they are appropriate for our children.

Sheltering can be manifested in a variety of ways. Some good. Some bad. The term sheltering is often conflated with being overprotective, but sheltering can simply be age-appropriate protection.

What Are Christians Doing About Sheltering?

In general terms, it seems like Christian parents are choosing between extremes. One day, I just know, people will realize there’s a whole middle area to explore…

The Extreme Way To Shelter Your Child

On one end of the spectrum, Christian parents are covering their kids up in bubble wrap and hiding them away from any influence outside of the church. (Self-disclosure: To many people, this is what I am doing. However, my husband and I do not take sheltering to an extreme.) Children who are overly sheltered might have experiences similar to those below:

• Never going to a restaurant with alcohol served in it (not a bar)

• Not be allowed to participate in community sports leagues because of the mixed company

• Only celebrating holidays (e.g., 4th of July, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, etc.) at church events in order to avoid unchurched people

• Avoiding topics, such as LGBTQ+, sexuality (in general), politics, other religions, the news, and other topics perceived as dangerous

• Having no friends or acquaintances outside of the church

• Only consuming media which is overtly Christian

• Removing negative consequences and failures from child’s life

We all know families like this, and although I believe they are usually acting with their children’s best interest at heart, I wonder if completely removing anything challenging and retreating from everything outside of the family and church is healthy or helpful.

The Non-Existent Way To Shelter Your Child

It isn’t fair to say families on the other side of the sheltering spectrum don’t shelter their children at all. They aren’t literally throwing them into the wild and saying, “Good luck, Buddy!” On the other hand, they are much more likely to embrace influences some of us consider worldly or too mature for kids.

For instance, a Christian parent who rejects sheltering might have no problem with allowing her children to watch movies and shows with sexual content, foul language, and featured LGBTQ+ characters because “they’ll hear/see it with their friends or at school anyway.”

The underlying belief is that children should learn about things as soon as the world presents them. Instead of sheltering children, this approach leaves them open to exposure to all kinds of influences. Good and bad.

Good Christian Parents, Please, Shelter Your Child Enough

Here is where I run the risk of making everyone angry. Yes, you should shelter your child. (Cue the angry liberals accusing me of being a backwards-thinking Fundie.) Additionally, you should allow your child to leave the safety of your sheltering at times and expose him to new, and possibly undesirable things and people. (Cue the conservatives who think I’m a heretic.)

Maybe you guys will be on my side if I explain myself. Let’s look at why you should shelter your child and then why you shouldn’t go overboard on it.

Why You Should Shelter Your Child

1. Children will have a safe place for questions and learning.

Maybe it’s the homeschooler in me, but I want my home to be a place where my kids can ask me anything and we can learn together. When my children come to me and my husband for information, I know they are not being misled or lied to. I also know they will have the biblical responses to their questions.

One of my parenting goals is to raise kids who come to me for help on their own because they know I am a safe and truthful resource.

2. You can guide them through their youth.

Parents seem to be more hands-off with their children these days, especially after elementary school. Parents have no idea what their children have been up to at school all day or who their friends are. In fact, even when parents don’t like particular friends, they throw their hands in the air and say, “I can’t stop them from being friends with those people.” Umm, yes you can. You’re the parent.

When you shelter your child, you allow yourself to have an active role in his life from the big things all the way down to the small decisions. You don’t have to be overbearing, but you will have a significant influence on your child’s life. Kids benefit from having a wiser, older, more experienced person who loves them nearby to help them navigate through life. Truth be told, grown-ups do well to have that sort of influence, as well. We don’t always call them parents, though. We say mentors.

3. Children are given age-appropriate information.

The age-appropriateness of what kids are learning today is such a big issue. Take sex as an example. Certain public school curricula teaches children more about sex than many parents believe is appropriate for their children’s age. For instance, California has pushed for the Genderbread Identity Man. He helps you learn about the different gender identities through a friendly cartoon.

Even more shocking was what happened in April of 2022 in New Jersey. A school district shared sample lesson plans for students as young as fifth grade that included videos about sexual orientation, transgenderism, and masturbation. The video dealing with self-pleasure features a cartoon boy engaged in the activity under his sheets while the narrator explains how it is totally normal to do this several times a day to deal with puberty.

I admit it. One day children will learn about these topics, and they should. A parent who shelters, though, understands that there is a correct time, place, and educator for these things. A video in a classroom full of students with a teacher sharing information through the lens of her moral compass is not it, y’all.

4. Children are prepared for adulthood.

I’ve heard the argument that not sheltering a child will prepare him for adulthood, and maybe he’ll be even more prepared than the sheltered child. Umm, no. That’s more like a sink-or-swim parenting style, and I, personally, can’t get behind it.

A properly sheltered child will have his parents walking alongside him with tight reins. I mean, have you ever seen a three-year-old try to make a decision or even drink from a cup? These kids need us! As he gets older and has displayed good character and decision making skills, then it’s time to step back and give him more space and freedom. Please note, though, that learning from his parents and being shown how to live with discernment is why he is able to step away. Discernment and good decision-making skills are not natural to most young people, therefore, they must be taught. Mom and Dad, that’s up to you.

The main goal of parenting is to raise children who know the Lord and will be a witness of the Living God to the world around them. The goal right underneath that is to teach them well enough that they can live productive, meaningful lives. The recipe for that kind of adult does not start with a let-him-figure-it-out mindset. Rather, it begins with instruction, leading, and guiding. Eventually, your child will not need you, but he will continue to seek you out of his own accord when he discovers he is in over his head.

Put simply, shelter your child so he can be a child for a little longer and you can properly train him for independent adult living.

Don’t Shelter Your Child Too Much

There are two kinds of approaches for sheltering children. As parents, we are either preparing them for their adult lives, or we are insulating them from reality. Anytime you opt to shelter your child, you run the risk of going too far. It’s a constant balancing act which must be approached carefully and with prayer. So much prayer.

Below are some of the risks of sheltering a child too much.

1. Children will encounter what you’ve kept from them…without you.

If all goes well, your child should move out, and an overprotected child will have a seemingly insurmountable level of culture shock as an adult entering college or the workforce.

First, that’s going to be unpleasant (to say the least).

Second, this grown child is going to be socially handicapped if he doesn’t have some reference to typical, daily things in the world. Again, I think of the LGBTQ+ shift in our current culture. Although, I don’t suggest anyone jump on board with this or open their church or home to sin, your eighteen year old’s first introduction to it shouldn’t be his transgender coworker. Why? Well, he won’t know what to say or how to behave, setting himself up for all kinds of potential awkwardness or even real trouble. (Thanks, cancel culture.)

Finally, who will your adult child be learning from in a circumstance such as the one I just gave? The world! The very influence you wanted to protect your child from will be the primary educator on all things you’ve sheltered him from. Isn’t this the opposite of what you wanted?

We can’t cocoon our children from everything and just keep them in a happy little Christian bubble forever. They need to live in this world whether we like it or not. So, teach them the ways of the world so they can function in it, but also disciple them so that they won’t be of the world. Think about who you want their teachers to be, and remember if you won’t teach your child, the world will.

2. If you shelter your child too much, he will lack empathy.

Sometimes we protect our children from so much that they don’t really experience hurt, failure, heartbreak, or disappointment. Now, I’m not a fan of any of those experiences, but I also know that I have learned a lot while living through them. Not to mention, those “bad times” have allowed me to empathize with people going through similar circumstances.

Sympathy is to feel pity for a person or people. You look at their current misfortune and feel bad for them. Sympathy is not a bad thing, but it is definitely a removed way of feeling for someone. They are over there with a problem, and you are over here thinking, “That’s so sad.”

On the other hand, empathy is when we can understand and share another’s feelings.  No one can empathize with everyone. For example, I have never had to bury a child. So, I can sympathize all day long about that, and I hurt for those going through what is most parent’s worst fear. Meanwhile, a mother who has lost a child would be better equipped to comfort a parent in that situation because she can empathize. She has felt that loss.

OK, back to our children. A child living in bubble wrap can’t connect with people the same way someone who was not overly sheltered. It limits his ministry potential and his testimony to others and himself. How can our children see God carry them through and give them strength when we jump in and save the day before something uncomfortable happens?

Let your kids fail sometimes. Allow them to learn some lessons from first-hand experience. You know, as the parent, which mistakes to help them avoid because the consequences are too grave (e.g., premarital sex, drug use, etc.) and which areas they can have some room to mess up. It’s good for them, and they’ll have real life experience to look back on for themselves and when they reach out to others.

3. Children who are sheltered too much struggle with apologetics.

One way that Christian parents shelter their children too much is to not teach them about other religions. I see this on homeschool Facebook groups a lot. A mother will condemn a curriculum or just be terrified about an upcoming lesson because the discussion will include another faith such as Islam, Catholicism, or Jehovah’s Witnesses. These moms want to avoid those lessons because they focus on false religions.

Well, yeah, those are false religions, but how else will your child know they are false religions than if you tell them what those religions teach? Show them Catholicism is works-based, then show them Ephesians.

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.”

Ephesians 2:8-9

People raised in Christian homes that refused to address doubts, questions, and beliefs outside their own grew into easily swayed “Christians.” They have no defense against attacks on their faith, and they don’t even know why they believe what they do. This is how we find so many raised Christian adults walking away or becoming progressive Christians.

We live in a time when apologetics isn’t optional; It’s essential. Knowing what others believe won’t hurt your child, it will only arm him in the spiritual battle ahead.

4. These children don’t grow into adults who share the gospel.

How’s that for a sweeping generalization? I know that isn’t 100% true, and I’m really thankful for all the Christians who face their fear and bravely share Christ with others. I know it’s something that scares me. Why do you think I blog? I can say all the conservative Christian stuff I want to and not have to look at angry faces while I’m doing it. However, some of you folk have left me some colorful messages…

Here’s what I’m getting at. Growing up in a household so sheltered that the only people in your life are Christian means you are cultivating a lifestyle that lacks opportunity to share the gospel.

If you don’t intentionally put yourself in situations with unbelievers, then you can easily avoid encountering them at all. Christian parents, we need to raise our children in a way that teaches them how to interact with others who are different from them and to care enough about those individuals to share the gospel. Hiding in our comfortable Christianity just won’t get the job done. 

Final Thought

So, how’d I do? Did I step on everyone’s toes a little bit. No worries. I stepped on my own, too. Parenting is tricky business, and the responsibility on our shoulders is enormous. We’ll make mistakes and have failures, but we will have some victories, too. Our experience, however, isn’t really the point. We should, instead, focus on living obediently to Christ and teaching our children to do the same.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Proverbs 22:6

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (emphasis mine)

Ephesians 6:4

As I see it, the first step we can make as parents is to take on the role of leader and teacher that we ought to for our children. You can do this even if you don’t homeschool. This is about deliberately choosing who and what influences your child and ensuring that there is a focus on godly influences.

How about you? Do you/did you shelter you child? And if you did, was it too much or too little? Let me know!

Image courtesy of J W via Unsplash.