I Am Not “Just” A Housewife

Every so often an article or tweet will say out loud what I have been fearing in the depths of my being. I’m “just” a housewife. I can see the expression I often get when I answer that dreaded question. “What do you do?” Then, I get the follow-up. “Oh, so what do you do?” The questioner might get a list of my daily tasks, or they might get a blank stare because I kind of can’t think of anything I do. The self-doubt that can accompany the American housewife is crushing but also completely unfounded. And every so often someone will write an article or tweet that is so ignorant and tone-deaf I remember how significant my job is. Case in point…

The Advice Column

Earlier this month, March 2021, Slate gave a response to a man looking for advice about his wife. She was a hardworking career woman, and he found that attractive. I don’t think I’m overstepping when I say that it appears he respected her, in part, due to her work performance. Well, she recently up and flipped the script on him.

This man’s wife gave birth to their first child about a year ago, and she’s due to get back to work soon. But she has betrayed the plan they made by telling him she wants to stay home and raise their child. The husband’s letter to Slate is almost comical and 100% disappointing. In his letter he was dismayed and concerned about seeing her “give up.” He went as far as to suggest his wife would set a bad example for their child if she chose to become a housewife.

His question ended on a low note. He said he asked his wife if this desire to stay home was a result of mental health struggles. He ultimately admitted to Slate that he does not “like or admire” this side of her. All in all, he’s a real peach…

The Feminist Response

The response from Slate was surprisingly balanced and supportive of the wife’s potential departure from her job, but another response ensured that radical feminism had its voice heard. Jill Filipovic, feminist, posted a series of tweets in response to this man’s question. Here are some of her explicit and implicit points.

1. Quitting a job is not a decision just one partner in a marriage should make.

I actually agree. That’s a huge decision, especially if it means leaving the workforce altogether.

2. A housewife is completely dependent on her husband.

I see where she’s coming from. I make ZERO dollars for my family, and I, in fact, depend on my husband to provide for us. But am I completely dependent on him? Filipovic, and many others, only see homemaking through the lens of income, but this is too simplistic.

My husband would be the first to tell you that my work around the house and with our children has value. I’m not sitting on the couch surrounded by a dirty house and unkempt kids while I stream Netflix and eat chips all day. (Junk food and binge watching sounds fun, though…) My husband usually comes home to a clean house, educated kids (we homeschool), a stocked pantry and fridge, and homecooked meals. I also handle the budget, take care of the taxes, plan our trips, keep laundry mostly-ish up-to-date, and ensure all our needs are being addressed. I run this ship despite the fact that I don’t fund it.

What am I saying? My point is that my husband depends on me, too. Without my contributions to our family, he would struggle to keep things going. I need him, and he needs me. We have chosen to live this way because we are married. We are “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31). I am his “help meet” (Genesis 2:18). We are a partnership that works together to serve Christ and each other. He is not bitter that he has to work, and I do not resent staying home. We each have our role to play, and plenty of families choose this model.

3. A housewife is not ambitious.

This can be true. Also, an employed person can be unambitious. I take issue with Filipovic’s implication that to be a stay-at-home mom is to inherently lack ambition. Has she, like, met kids? Has she had the daily temptation of knowing that no one will hold her accountable to her day’s productivity?

“Unambitious” people like me have to run our own schedules. I don’t have outward forces giving me deadlines, dress codes, and tasks to complete by day’s end. I also do not have the tangible short-term reward of a paycheck or recognition. I’ve yet to receive applause for completing laundry for a family of seven, and no one has ever thanked me for a week’s worth of meals with a bonus check or my picture on the wall and a special parking spot for the month.

Losers like me are playing the long game with the goal of raising well-adjusted humans. I have to motivate myself each and every day to pour my efforts, talents, and skills into a thankless job that other people call unambitious and lazy because I see the intrinsic value in what I offer my home. I am thankful to have a husband and social circle who see the value of an “unambitious” housewife, too. Clearly, as demonstrated in that Slate question and Filipovic’s Twitter rant, not everyone understands the meaningful and valuable work that goes into homemaking.

4. The housewife sets a bad example for her children.

Children who see a woman sacrifice personal gain (e.g., money, praise) to provide for the needs of the family are witnessing love, duty, and selflessness. These are not necessarily traits I would want to hide from kids. Dads providing financially for their families also set a wonderful example of responsibility, duty, love, sacrifice, and manhood. (Yup. I said it. Men should be providers.)

Filipovic implies an imbalance because of men working for pay and housewives not earning a wage. Well, the man in this scenario has a job. Thus, he is paid. The housewife, although working, does not have a job. So, she would not get paid. These are the understood and agreed upon conditions of this family set-up. If there is any sort of complaint to make about the imbalance in these lifestyles, people like Filipovic are to blame. Tangents about women’s place being at work and the inherent lack of value of caring for a family are the problem. People like her perpetuate the lies that mothers are not needed at home, women have to earn a wage to have worth, and kids are just as well off if the daycare raises them while mom works 50 hours a week.

5. A housewife’s identity is wrapped up in her children, and it’s pretty self-focused.

Speaking for myself, I can be really self-focused. I blame it on being an only child and a latchkey kid. And on being human. My decision to be home with my kids, however, is the least self-focused thing I have ever done. Again, has Filipovic even met a kid?! Very little of my day-to-day life is about me.

My identity is as a child of God. In fact, thanks to my salvation through Jesus, I’m a co-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17). I’m also a wife. Outside of my relationship with Jesus, my marriage is my primary relationship. Then, yes, I’m a mother, and my children mean the world to me, but I’m more than that. I’m a church member, friend, daughter, counselor, encourager, etc. As a Christian, my focus is not on self, or at least I aim for it not to be. My choice to stay home is not to focus inward but, rather, to invest myself as fully as I can into my children and guide them into adulthood.

Christians aren’t the only ones putting focus on others, though. Secular housewives I’ve known feel guilty when they engage in self-care. So, they often neglect their own needs. (Note: Please don’t do that. Don’t be that martyr mother. It isn’t good for anyone.) These ladies volunteer at school activities, help sick/elderly relatives, assist their husbands with work, emotionally support their friends, and any number of other tasks on a daily basis. I would submit that these women are more likely to feel unsupported, uncared for, and overwhelmed than to be selfishly pursuing themselves through child-rearing.

Final Thought

Women have hard choices to make. We were sold a bill of goods and told we could have it all. Not just that, we were told we deserve it all. In truth, we can’t have the big-time career, perfect family, best marriage, and biggest house in the nicest neighborhood. Sacrifices must be made. Some women, like me, choose to let go of the career. Others choose not to be mothers. Most, I believe, choose the middle ground. They do the absolute best they can with the limited time they have.

I have days that challenge me and leave me filled with self-doubt. “I have a master’s degree, and all I do are mundane tasks.” “No one sees me.” “Am I boring?” “Am I a leech?” “Am I a disappointment?” That self-talk is hurtful, unhelpful, and based on the expectations of a world that no longer values traditional womanhood. Titus 2 says we ought to love our husbands, love our children, and be keepers of the home (v.4-5). The Lord sees what I put my time and energy into, and I know that He is pleased. So, I can be pleased, as well, knowing I am living in obedience to Him.

Christian ladies, have no shame in the choice to be a housewife. The world’s ways are not our ways. Pray for women like Filipovic who hate traditional womanhood so much that they would suggest it is harmful. Pray for men like the man who wrote to Slate. They need to soften their hearts toward their wives and children. Pray for women who are making decisions about their families in a world that hates God and His ways.

Afterthought (because people assume the worst)

Although I despise the need to write this, I assume it must be done because of the sensitive nature of the topic. I am not judging and condemning women who work. Instead, I m choosing to affirm housewives in light of the Slate article and Filipovic’s response to it. Each family needs to prayerfully make its own decisions about how to best serve God and raise children.

Check Out This Related Post:

The Christian Stay-At-Home Mom: Is Staying at Home Enough?

Image courtesy of Andy Fitzsimon via Unsplash.