8 Tips For Christian Newlyweds

Last month I wrote 10 Suggestions For Engaged Christian Couples. I’d like to follow through with that line of thinking and address Christian newlyweds. Once the wedding euphoria dies down, you’re just like any newly married couple trying to figure out how to live with each other for the rest of your lives. No pressure! You might be wondering what advice you could possibly need. I mean, you’ve mastered dating and being engaged, so this should be a cake walk. To that I say, you don’t know anything.

That’s actually not fair. You probably have quite a bit of head knowledge about what it takes to be a married couple. Perhaps you’ve learned great lessons from successful couples in your life. Of course, there is something to be said for learning what not to do from bad couples. Nonetheless, I have yet to meet a married couple that did not enter marriage feeling overconfident.

Keep in mind that I’m not writing this in my ivory tower. Oh, no. My husband and I had approximately an hour of pre-marital counseling that was mostly confirming our testimonies of salvation and offering us some books to read. (We were on a time crunch.) Yet, I felt like everything would work out naturally. We loved each other, after all. What could go wrong? Well, for starters, I’m in the marriage, so…

Why don’t you look over these tips and tuck them away for a rainy day. I’m sorry to assure you that rainy days will come, but with God and intentionality, you two can weather it all.

A Thing Or Two Christian Newlyweds Need To Know

1. God First, Spouse Second

Christians know the most important relationship they have is with the Lord Jesus Christ. And that all sounds good until they meet someone. The One. It’s so easy to get wrapped up and consumed by your romantic partner. This temptation can continue into marriage, too. Instead of replacing time with God with time with your husband, add your husband to your time with God.

Another temptation is to allow your spouse to pull you away from the Lord. This is different than neglecting God because of your excitement about your new spouse. I’m referring to a spouse who is not as spiritually-minded as you thought. I’ve seen the ramifications of that over the years. Slowly but surely a wife is pulled out of church fellowship and becomes spiritually discouraged.

You are responsible for your spiritual growth and relationship with God. Never let anyone, even your husband, try to push Him down your list of priorities. It’s God first. Always.

2. Marriage Goes Through Phases…And You’re In One

There’s a reason people refer to the early stage of marriage as the “honeymoon phase.” It is, well, a phase, and it will end. That doesn’t spell disaster for your marriage, but your feelings will definitely evolve over time.

Look around at couples who are sitting together among other couples. Anecdotally, here is what I have observed. Newlyweds and couples still in the early years will sit close and touch. They do this without thinking about it.

Meanwhile, couples who have been together long enough to have a gaggle of kids and a long list of responsibilities are not touching. Sometimes they aren’t even sitting together because kids are positioned between them. These two are a team, but how they interact and what draws their attention has moved on to something beyond attraction and butterflies.

Finally, couples branch off into two groups. The first group is disconnected and seems less close than before. I tend to see these couples as less healthy. It’s as if they have not invested into their relationship as much as needed. The other group is more similar to the newlyweds. Somewhere along the way they made a decision to focus on the marriage more deliberately.

Fallen Out Of Love?

So, why do most couples seem to travel through these phases (sometimes more than once)? I think one reason is that the intensity of your feelings change. That’s not bad, though. For instance, I don’t have a crush on my husband anymore, but I love him more deeply than I did when we first married. He’s not just my husband; He’s my partner in every aspect of my life. Nevertheless, I don’t need to be attached at the hip, either.

Married couples will mature in their love, and how they interact will change throughout their lifetime. The most important thing to remember is to check in and make sure you’re still connecting mentally, emotionally, and physically. Enjoy this exciting new life you’ve begun, but be ready to embrace each phase as it comes.

3. Forgive, Forgive, Forgive

As Christian newlyweds, I suspect you understand that forgiveness is essential, yet I believe you haven’t had many opportunities to forgive. I mean really forgive. This wonderful person you married is going to hurt, betray, and/or embarrass you. No, he’s not a monster. He’s just human, and that’s what humans do. And God’s direction to us is to forgive.

God Says Forgive

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Ephesians 4:32

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Matthew 6:14-15

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Matthew 18:21-22

Forgiveness Is More Than Words

Many of us say we forgive when we don’t, therefore, you’ll want to make sure you are truly forgiving your husband. Think through this list when you “forgive.”

Forgiveness Facts

Harboring bitterness about the offense is not forgiveness

Forgiveness is not holding the offense over your husband’s head.

We don’t forgive when we bring up the forgiven issue in the future as a weapon.

You may need to implement consequences even if you have forgiven. For example, if a husband secretly gambles away the couple’s vacation money, then his wife may need to insist on overseeing all the finances until he has earned trust back concerning money and truthfulness.

Forgiveness is not always a one-time event. It may have to happen multiple times for the same offense. Sometimes a hurt is so deep that pain and anger will emerge again. It is your responsibility to remind yourself that you’ve already forgiven that sin and forgive again, if necessary.

You can forgive whether the offender has asked you to or not.

4. Your Marriage Hasn’t Completed You

After praying for a husband, dating, planning a wedding, and finally tying the knot, Christian newlyweds can feel as if they have reached a level of completion. But nothing, other than the wedding, is really “done” just because you’re married now.

Your relationship hasn’t reached perfection or “happily ever after.” In fact, you’ll begin to discover all the cracks in your relationship as soon as you have to share a living space. You’ll ask yourself, “How can a man be so bad at loading a dishwasher?” I wish I could help you with that question. I still wonder about that.

You, friend, were not a partial person until you got married. You were a whole person that God created in His image (Genesis 1:27). Thanks to God, you have value whether you are single or married. This husband may be a great partner, but he doesn’t make you who you are meant to be. Christ does. See what the Bible has to say about us.

Your Value Is In Christ

“In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;”

Ephesians 1:7

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 2:10

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

2 Corinthians 5:17

“Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.”

1 John 4:4

“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.”

Romans 8:16-17

“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;”

1 Peter 2:9

5. Protect Your Marriage

Your marriage may seem safe today, but we live in a world that doesn’t respect family any longer. You two will receive messages and propaganda that can plant seeds of dissatisfaction with one another. Even within the Church, gossips and divisive women will spread poison to your relationship if you let them.

Not to mention, pornography is all over. You can access it from your phone while sitting across the room from your spouse without being caught. This hyper-sexualization has crept into all aspects of media: music, television, movies, and literature.

Not every threat to your marriage is found through agenda and media. Real men and women in your life can be a threat of you don’t safeguard your relationship. Create boundaries that you two are comfortable with concerning time and communication with the opposite sex.

Don’t forget that simply intentionally tending to your marriage on a regular basis will offer a great deal of protection. An unhealthy marriage will create fertile ground for one or both of you to turn to unedifying methods of satisfaction. That might be as “benign” as staying away from the home and working in the garage all night, or it could be as severe as an affair with someone who makes your spouse feel like you did when things were still in that honeymoon phase.

6. Don’t Expect Your Husband To Change

Women sure do love a project, don’t they? In the past, before my salvation, I may have…definitely…dated guys I planned to fix. I figured they would change to accommodate my preferences and needs if I tried hard enough. Shockingly, that never worked. In fact, it often made them more resistant to change. Go figure!

If we are honest with ourselves, both partners will need to change a little to make the marriage the best it can be. Admit it. We all have sin struggles and undesirable habits. These changes, however, shouldn’t come from outside sources. A husband (or wife) will change, but that will be the work of the Holy Spirit in that person.

Additionally, we need to accept that our husbands may never change the things we believe they should. Ultimately, it isn’t our responsibility. So, instead of focusing on what he needs to change, look in the mirror. You can’t control him, but you can make different decisions for yourself. Start there, and then be satisfied with what God is doing in your husband’s life.

7. Communicate

Every marriage advice list reminds couples to communicate. It seems like overused advice, but somehow it ends up being repeated time and again. Guess why. Because couples don’t communicate well! It appears that we can hear the advice, but putting it into practice is a completely different story.

Keep in mind that communication is more than just talking. Think about what you’re actually saying with your words. More often than not, your partner needs to hear exactly what you want or how you feel. He can’t meet your needs or be a supportive husband of he is stuck guessing all the time.

We also say a lot without saying a word. An eye roll, a giggle, body language, and even our breathing can convey a message. Take inventory of what you communicate to your husband when you aren’t speaking. A whole lot of disagreements, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings can be avoided if a couple communicates clearly, deliberately, and often.

8. Have Fun

Don’t forget to have fun. As you move from newlywed to business-as-usual, life can become predictable and feel dictated by jobs, kids, and others’ needs. That can drag on a marriage, making it feel like drudgery. That’s a trap y’all can easily avoid.

Enjoy your time together. All of it. Well, enjoy as much as you reasonably can. Too many couples stop laughing and goofing around together, but that is one of the most important elements of a healthy marriage. Love each other, but like each other, too. My husband is my best friend, and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with him. I believe our friendship is part of the strong foundation our marriage is built upon, and we feed that friendship with fun.

Your marriage will be filled with tough times and challenges to overcome, but that doesn’t have to define your relationship. Be known as a couple who loves each other, laughs together, and choose one another’s company above all others.

Final Thought

Christian newlyweds have a better start than other newlyweds because they have Christ at the core of the marriage. However, that doesn’t mean Christian newlyweds should be asleep at the wheel, either. Marriage is work, but it is also one of the greatest gifts God has given us. Your marriage, spouse, and you are worthy of the effort this relationship takes. You’re married; The adventure begins!

What advice would you give Christian newlyweds?

Image courtesy of Wedding Dreamz via Unsplash.