The Lonely Pastor’s Wife

I’ve been a pastor’s wife for about nine years. It feels like I always have always been, but I also know those years are a drop in the bucket for the women who have stood beside pastor husbands for three, four, or five decades. Nonetheless, I’ve seen, heard, and experienced all kinds of things already. But of everything so far, being a lonely pastor’s wife was the most difficult part. I didn’t have to be lonely, but I didn’t know what to do to fix it. Also, I wondered if there was simply something wrong with me. Well, let me say it loud and clear. Pastors’ wives get lonely. It’s so normal, y’all, but you don’t have to stay lonely.

Why Was I Lonely?

Some folks who know me struggle to understand how I can get lonely because I’m an only child who was often alone in my youth. Summers were spent in my imagination with little social interaction because we lived away from most kids. Shouldn’t I be used to being alone? Besides, I like my alone time. I treasure the time I spend recharging with no one speaking to me.

Allow me to set the scene. My husband worked full-time as a special education teacher. He also served as a pastor at a small rural church. Neither job paid well, so he added extra jobs at the school such as coaching chess and running an after-school program. Of course, he still needed his seminary degree… He completed that degree online in his “free time.”

I know I was married during those years, but I felt as if he were a specter haunting his office more than a living human being I meaningfully interacted with on a regular basis.

Additionally, I homeschooled. Although we did things in the homeschool community, we never felt like we made our way into anyone’s life. We lived in a small town away from most other homeschoolers, I was painfully shy and insecure, and homeschool moms are notoriously difficult to get close to once they have a group of friends and a set schedule.

What About The Church?

We were predictably active in church. Everyone, with little exception, liked my husband and was kind to us. My children were especially loved by the church members. I think having few children in our first churches played a role in how much attention my kids received. They loved all the candy treats and small gifts, though!

For a multitude of reasons, though, neither small church in the first years of my husband’s pastoral ministry felt like home. Oh, I loved the people and had a heart for the community. However, I never felt like I integrated. I felt separated and alone. I’m not blaming the people in those churches, but I can’t help how I felt. Something made me feel out of place.

A Lonely Pastor’s Wife: The Reasons

Every pastor’s wife ends up feeling lonely at some point. Yes, some of us are blessed with husbands who encourage us to seek out and maintain friendships. And the brave, and maybe foolish, pastors’ wives take the leap and form friendships in their churches. Nevertheless, loneliness comes along in different seasons of life, and ministry can feel like a wasteland of isolation. But why?

1. The Pastor’s Wife Is Seen As “Super Spiritual”

In some Christian circles, the pastor and his wife are viewed as spiritually higher than the rest of the congregation. This intimidates church members and keeps others from being vulnerable and completely authentic with the pastor’s wife.

Think about it. If you believe someone has a special level of spirituality that you could never possess, would you want to expose her to the parts of yourself that are undesirable? Of course not!

Let’s get real for a moment before we move forward. The pastor’s wife did not receive an extra dose of the Holy Spirit. She struggles with her flesh, makes mistakes, gets tired, and feels all the feelings just like everyone else. She’s a real person. So, can we agree to put aside any pretenses of the super spiritual pastor’s wife?

2. The Pastor’s Wife Is Held At Arm’s Length

While some congregants think the pastor’s wife is uniquely spiritual, others believe she cannot be trusted. She does have the pastor’s ear, after all. She could be a villain with designs to turn the church into exactly what she wants it to be. Plus, she’s going to tell everyone your business, and she will turn the pastor against the people she doesn’t like. And, and, and…

I’m sorry there are Christians who have been so hurt by a pastor’s wife that they believe all of these women are not to be trusted. But perhaps the pastor’s wife is doing her best and means well. Maybe she makes mistakes or misspeaks at times. She might not even know the set of expectations she is allegedly supposed to be meeting. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, and if you think your pastor’s wife doesn’t notice who distances themselves from her, think again. She knows, and it probably hurts her feelings. I’ve heard many women discussing this situation and wondering what they did and how to fix it.

3. The Pastor’s Wife Is Afraid To Get Close To Anyone

Feeling lonely isn’t always someone else’s fault. Plenty of pastors’ wives choose to have superficial relationships with church members. They have been hurt in the past and aren’t willing to put themselves out there again.

I have been counseled more times than I can count to only pursue friendships outside of the church, but I choose to listen to the minority of pastors’ wives who have told me to be friends with everyone. Not all of those friendships look the same, but that’s real life. Some people click more than others, and not everyone wants to form a close friendship.

I’ve been in church with no real friends, and it’s so sad. It made me feel invisible. Have you ever felt absolutely alone and unseen in a large crowd of people? That was the feeling. There is no way I’ll do that to myself on purpose ever again.

4. The Pastor’s Wife Shares Her Husband With The Church

Pastors don’t have typical hours. In fact, they don’t have any real hours at all. I’ve had to become skilled at holding onto information, thoughts, feelings, and needs until everyone else is finished with my husband. I’ve also had to learn to read his mood and the situation. There are times I am alone in the same room as my husband but know he’s not actually there with me. So, I wait until his mind returns.

Our life isn’t nearly as busy as ministry families’ lives with large churches. Nonetheless, we’ve still needed to learn to share my husband and accommodate to others’ needs. Our children and I have become accustomed to my husband being called away last minute, requiring a change of plans, or unexpectedly having our day without him.

The time a pastor’s wife loses with her husband in order to let him serve the congregation isn’t the hardest part. That’s something you get used to and understand is “baked in the cake,” so to speak. The loneliest part is when the people frequently pulling your husband away often ignore the effect it has on your home. His service to someone often requires something from me. No one has to acknowledge that, but it can make you feel alone and unappreciated.

I am thankful to not have experienced a great deal of that myself. My experience has usually been the opposite. Members take me aside or leave me notes to thank me for supporting my husband.

In one instance, someone leaving a funeral came over to my house to thank me. I denied having done anything because I was home putting our kids to bed and doing dishes. He was the one doing the ministry work. My visitor’s response was so sweet. She told me he could only do that because he knew I was at home taking care of everything else. Sweet encouraging words like hers make me feel loved and seen. Without those moments, the supporting role (aka: being home a lot) can feel desperately lonely.

5. The Pastor’s Wife Never Meets Expectations

No matter what I do, I disappoint someone. It’s tough to please everyone no matter who you are, and church sometimes feels like a set of traps. The scariest sentence I ever hear at a meeting is, “Whatever you want to do, Julie.”

They usually mean it as long as I decide what they would have decided. The fear of choosing wrong can lead to removing oneself from activities and conversations for fear of conflict and judgment.

Do you want to walk into the kitchen or nursery and overhear someone complaining about you? Nope. You don’t. Me neither!

The best remedy I’ve found for this is to get older and stop caring about what people think. Around the time I hit 40, I started to invest much less in other people’s opinions. However, the real remedy to feeling discouraged and avoiding working with others at church is as easy as doing what God says.

“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.”

Colossians 3:23-24

My aim is to live for God, not the men and women in my church. It’s great when I’m in the sweet spot of serving the Lord and discovering that others are happy about it. But if my human and clumsy attempts at service don’t reach someone else’s expectations, so be it. God knows my heart.

6. The Pastor’s Wife Has To Keep A Lot Of Secrets

I know more private things about the people in my church than I would normally want to know. Certainly, my husband knows loads more than I do, but I still end up keeping enough in “the vault” that I feel like a secret keeper.

Keeping secrets, or having discretion, is essential as a pastor’s wife, but it means keeping some walls up with friends. Sometimes it makes me feel inauthentic or disingenuous, but that’s not an accurate assessment of the situation. I’m honoring people’s privacy and not being a gossip.

Yet still, bearing others’ secrets can feel isolating and lonely. Some secrets are so big that the pastor’s wife needs to process them. But with whom?

7. The Pastor’s Wife Is Struggling Financially

Pastors, despite what skeptics say, don’t make that much money. It’s no get-rich-quick scheme, OK? In many churches, the pastor makes significantly less than most of his congregation. So, the pastor’s wife does her best to stretch the dollars as far as they can go and be a good steward of the money God provides. That said, she can still find that her finances can be isolating.

This pastor’s wife will have to turn down invitations to outings with ladies, activities for her children, and parties that assume gifts from guests. She may even find she struggles to have people over because she literally can’t afford to feed guests. Meanwhile, church members are able to gather and go out…without her.

Money woes are embarrassing to discuss, and the conversation is less comfortable when it’s with the people who determine and pay your salary. Therefore, she will keep quiet about her reasons for declining invitations and continue to feel inhospitable.

8. The Pastor’s Wife Doesn’t Have A Community

Pastors’ wives need encouragement from one another, but finding pastors’ wives to form a community with can be a real challenge. This year I have attended two pastors’ wives retreats, and they have been the most encouraging and meaningful events I have attended as a Christian. I didn’t have this kind of community with other pastors’ wives when we served in Illinois. Our current location, though, makes fellowship among ministry families a high priority. It’s a gamechanger.

I have witnessed women walking into these retreats on the brink of tears over hurts, stress, and seemingly insurmountable spiritual battles. Their sisters in Christ who know precisely what they’re going through rally together to listen, counsel, and sometimes just cry with them. It’s an incredible blessing to have these opportunities, but it is also unique.

Too many pastors’ wives don’t have access to another pastor’s wife to befriend. These ladies have a part of themselves that no one else quite understands, and that can be painfully lonely in difficult times.

Final Thought

Maybe I’m another spoiled pastor’s wife online who is looking for a chance to complain. I’m just bitter and hate ministry. Well, no. None of that is true about me.

Don’t tell my husband, but I have come to love this life I swore I would have no part of if he pursued ministry. I may not be what everyone pictures when they envision a pastor’s wife, but I’m stepping forward with God in the lead. And I’m doing it as myself.

I won’t paint a perfect picture for others, however. Some days are hard. Sometimes those hard days stretch into weeks or months. Not to mention, people can be challenging. Why doesn’t everyone see it my way? Among the many difficulties, loneliness will inevitably come around, and pastors’ wives need to be ready. Prepare for battle with Scripture, a strong marriage, and an active prayer life.

Church members, remember your pastor’s wife is a human being just like you. She needs grace and understanding. She needs encouragement. Don’t you need those things, too?

Do you have any thoughts about loneliness in ministry? Are there any particular verses from God’s Word you think are helpful in lonely seasons? Let us know!

Other Posts For Pastors’ Wives

Pastors’ Wives Need Each Other

Ministry Life: The Pastor’s Family

7 Ways Pastors’ Wives Make It Harder For Themselves

Being A Pastor’s Wife Is Not My Job

Image courtesy of Danie Franco via Unsplash.