Mother’s Day When You Have A Bad Mom

Mother’s Day is upon us once again. For many, maybe most, people it seems like a day to lavish mothers with flowers, candy, scented candles, obligatory church attendance, and well-meaning attempts at breakfast in bed. At church we give testimonies of our godly mothers, and moms receive small trinkets of appreciation and love as they head home.

But what if we have a bad mom?

I’m not sure that I’m even allowed to ask a question like that. So often we’re told why mothers are important, special, and even above reproach. I don’t agree with that last description, but I do see the value in motherhood. I sincerely hope we all do.

What Is A Mother?

1. You Come From A Mother

It is unlikely you hatched from an egg. No mom, no you. That’s something we can rally behind, right?

2. Moms Kiss The Boo-Boos

They clean countless skinned knees and patch up every bloody mess we make. Moms hold us when we cry because our crush rejects us. They console us when we don’t make the team. Mothers tend to our physical and emotional injuries.

3. Mothers Are Sacrificial

You need to think again if you believe your mom has not sacrificed a job, hobby, time, money, and/or her body for you. A good mom willingly and happily does this, but it is still a sacrifice. Sometimes, it’s many of them.

4. Moms Forgive

How many times have you hurt your mother? Have you lied? Have you ever been unappreciative of your mom? Yes, of course you have. And she has forgiven you. So many times. So, so many.

5. Mothers Protect You

Sometimes this can really cramp our style. Moms have a way of ruining every bad, but super awesome, idea we have. They are always looking out for us.

6. A Mother’s Love Is Unconditional

Your mama loves you no matter what you do or say. She loved you when you were being compared to a litany of produce items in her womb, and she loves you now.

7. Moms Model Womanhood

A mother demonstrates how to be a wife, mother, friend, and whatever else through her words and deeds. Hopefully, she is a Christian mother who can display godly speech and behavior. No matter her faith, though, she paints the picture of being a woman to her children.

This list is at least partially what people seem to believe about moms. May I suggest we have romanticized mothers a bit?

Why I Used To Dread Mother’s Day

You know that list we just went through? Yeah…my mom didn’t do those things. She almost never comforted me. Her sacrifices were real, of course, but you best believe that I heard about them all the time. She tried to make me feel guilty for her choice to marry my father and have me. My mom, Karen, forgave with strings attached, and rather than protect me, she encouraged me to “mess up” like she did in her youth. (I’ll spare you those details.) Her love appeared to be connected to my performance, and the words and actions she demonstrated were vindictive, selfish, and hurtful.

Maybe it seems like I am trying to put my mom on blast now that she can’t defend herself. (She passed away in January 2018.) However, I’m simply acknowledging the truth. In fact, I wish I could have spoken so honestly with her when I had the opportunity, but she would have never tolerated the conversation.

Karen was unwell. She was not a Christian, an alcoholic, and I suspect she suffered her entire life from anxiety and depression. My mother was lost and desperately trying to fill the void in her life with all kinds of things. None of them helped her, though, and she eventually succumbed to an illness relating to her alcoholism. She left behind broken relationships, not the least of which was the one with her daughter. Me.

Is There No Joy For Those Like Me On Mother’s Day?

You Are Not Her

I know I’m not the only woman who has a story like this. Women with dysfunctional relationships with their mothers are everywhere. We listen to the rest of you speak with a glistening tear in your eye of the blessing that is/was your mom. We’re happy for you, really, but what about us? Is this day destined to be sad and a reminder of our worst days? Worse yet, are we left with no choice but to become her? This fear, ladies, is a real ever-present companion.

Let me encourage you with this little gem. You are not your mother. You are your own person, and you make your own choices. This is true of those of you with fantastic moms, too. Your mom might be great, but that doesn’t mean you are by default.

Christian women, ya’ll have been given pictures of how to be a godly woman and mother. You are free to choose to emulate that or not.

The Lord’s Ways Are Our Ways

Isaiah 66:13 – “As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

God is referencing the comfort mothers give to their children. It’s a natural, understood, and expected behavior from a mom toward her child.

Proverbs 31:25 – “Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.”

The Proverbs 31 woman is that woman we all hope to be. In this case, pay attention to her “clothing.” Are you known as strong and honorable, or do you present yourself as weak and disgraceful?

Proverbs 31:26 – “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”

This godly woman speaks wisely and with kindness. How is your speech? Oh, how women struggle with their tongues, especially with their children!

Psalm 127:3 – “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”

The Lord would have us to see our children as a blessing. Do you see them as God does, or are they an obstacle to your desires?

Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Teaching our children, especially about the Lord, is our responsibility. We ought to take the time to answer “why” and prepare our children well for life without us.

But I Have No Mother-Figure

It might be great to know that we are not repeating our mother’s sins. Sure, we are a work in progress, but we are comforted in knowing Christ is the lead in our motherhood. That said, Mother’s Day is still difficult when we have no mother-figure of our own with whom to celebrate. Just damaging memories.

Well, don’t forget about Titus 2! Verses 4 and 5 refer to “older women” saying, “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Boil that down, and you have a simple instruction for older women to teach the younger women. A very motherly task, I’d say.

Go, Find Yourself A Spiritual Mother

Ladies, if you know a woman at church who could mentor you and befriend you but she hasn’t, then go make your move. A lot of older women lack the confidence to come alongside someone and offer to guide them. Maybe they don’t even know there are women who would love to have that kind of friendship. So, make it known.

Enter this wisely, though. Don’t bring your old baggage. Be humble and vulnerable. Let her love you, and believe that a spiritual mother is not going to hurt you like your real mother.

Side Note: Older ladies, be available to mentor and be a spiritual mother. Maybe you will connect with a child, but it also could be a grown woman in her thirties. Just sayin’. Some of us need it. Also, ladies who don’t feel “older, “ well, you might be. A thirty-five-year-old woman can certainly reach out to a woman in her twenties, depending on the situation. All I am saying is be open to the Holy Spirit’s prompting.

You Don’t Need A Mother To Have Value

We wrap a lot of our worth into how others see us. Many of us seek validation in relationships, and mothers are often that primary source of value. This is such a foolhardy approach to life, though. As great (or not) as your mom may be we are all human, and with that humanity comes predictable failings. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;” and Romans 3:10 tells us “…There is none righteous, no, not one.”

But wait! Don’t give up on people. Just know there is only One who will never let you down, and it isn’t your mother. Even if you have been failed, hurt, or made to feel less-than, you have all you need in Christ.

Philippians 4:19 – “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

Our worth, as well, need not be wrapped up in our mothers. Instead, the Scriptures show us who we are as daughters of the King.

Psalm 139:14 – “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

God made you, specifically. You are no accident. You are His.

John 1:12 – “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:”

We have been adopted and are now daughters of God!

Ephesians 2:10 – “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”

We are His masterpiece. Oh, of what great value we are to Him!

Romans 5:8 – “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Despite rejecting Him and being his enemies, the Lord displayed His matchless love for us with His work on the cross.

Final Thought

When we have a dysfunctional or nonexistent relationship with our mother the pain, sense of loss, and void we feel are real. Don’t let anyone ever try to downplay those feelings, but also don’t ever let someone encourage you to steep in them, either. Seeing ourselves as Jesus sees us is a powerful tool in healing. Never forget what He did for you and why. Then, accept that gift offered at the cross and acknowledge just how loved you are.

Time For Action

Rejoice with those who have mothers to celebrate.

Reach out to those who struggle with Mother’s Day. Be a friend.

Remember to thank the women who have filled that mother role in your life.

Forgive past hurts and pray for those who have hurt us.

Thank God for His enduring love. You aren’t less because you have a “bad” mom. You’re His daughter. You are His workmanship. He loved you so much that He offered you freedom from both sin and the punishment you deserve. That love is everything.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Image courtesy of Simon Rae via Unsplash.