How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Prioritize The Wrong People

Marriage is filled with obvious rights and wrongs. Hit your spouse? Wrong. Contribute to the household chores and maintenance? Right. Date other people? Umm, wrong. Date each other? Right. Yeah, you get that. Unfortunately, marriage has a lot of potential “rights” that turn out to be wrong. Who we prioritize in our lives is a classic example of this.

Our extended families, friends, and children are people we should care for and prioritize, but have we downgraded our husbands and made these other people more significant than they ought to be? Why does it matter?

Our Parents And Siblings

Relationships with our parents and siblings can be a powerful and appreciated support in our adult years. I have no question of that. But… Healthy attachments between members of an extended family are not a guarantee. Plus, being a part of that family can make it difficult to see when boundaries are crossed.

The Good

I can attest that my husband and I have turned to our parents and his siblings (I’m an only child. Not surprised?) for all kinds of help over the years. Before we were married, my husband’s mom advised him to move back to Illinois rather than make me uproot to Oregon. She was able to explain to him why it was the prudent and loving decision to make. She’s been full of helpful gems like this when we have asked for advice. Did you catch the important part? When we asked for advice.

We aren’t the handiest people alive, so we have needed help with all kinds of jobs around the house. I would guess that my father-in-law has saved our family many thousands of dollars by teaching my husband how to do things and by sometimes simply coming over and doing the handiwork, himself.

Outside of practical helps, our family, especially the children, have benefited from having loving grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My kids know they have people who love them and want the best for them. Trips back home are extra sweet because my children climb into the car brimming with excitement to see extended family.

This is healthy. This is good.

The Bad

Family can be intrusive. We all hear the mother-in-law horror stories. It is the story of a mom who won’t let go of her 33-year-old baby boy and has nothing but criticism for her daughter-in-law. A relative like this thinks she knows how to live your life better than you do, and she just has to insert herself into your marriage. You might not mind this person, but your husband may be increasingly annoyed and bitter at her inappropriate involvement in your family. Now, you’re stuck in the middle and have to decide whose preferences to honor and what kind of boundaries to create, if any.

Maybe you are super close to your family of origin, and every time you argue with your husband you call your mom or visit with your sister. They hear all the details from your “fairly balanced” side of the story. They agree with you, of course, because you’re innocent and they love you. Before you know it, your family has nothing kind to say about your husband, and you’re questioning why you married him at all.

This is not healthy. This is not good.

Our Friends

The Good

We need friends. Friendships are an amazing thing. I know from personal experience just how hard it is not to have any. I’ve always struggled with making friends because of my intensity and shyness. As an adult it can be even more difficult. Where do you make friends, anyway? It can be lonely, even when you are happily married, to not have a genuine friend.

My husband and I have really enjoyed having friendships with couples in our same stage of life. Spending time with other couples encourages us to loosen up a bit and have fun. Honestly, it’s also nice to see other parents going through the same parenting milestones and struggles as us. Camaraderie!

Ladies, I also believe we need the support and companionship of other women. My husband is a lot of things to me, but the girlfriend I can have a three-hour coffee chat with is not one of those things. And as much as he stands by me and encourages me, he will never understand some things about me quite like another woman can. I think God’s command to older women to teach younger women how to be godly wives and mothers (Titus 2:4-5) also suggests the need for female friends.

The Bad

Friends are fun, and some friends are so fun that they pull us out of our homes more than they ought to. I have known married women who spent such a significant amount of time with their friends that their husbands spent more evenings a week than not home alone with the kids and taking care of the housework. Some of them became increasingly bitter and suspicious. I mean, what is she doing so many nights a week alone with friends? Additionally, why is she out and forgoing her responsibilities as a wife and mother on a regular basis? Too much of a good thing can be disastrous to a marital relationship.

Careful who these friends are, as well. I like how the ESV says it. “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals’” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Sometimes our friends are not particularly supportive of our marriage or marriage, in general. If you have friends whose lifestyles contradict your Christian walk and influence you to follow suit, run. Those friends aren’t worth it.

The Extreme Example

It is imperative to have friends who encourage our relationship with our husbands. Research suggests that people who are friends with a divorced person are more likely to divorce, as well. We need to be careful with studies like this, but the research seems to agree that the correlation exists and is strong. Quite likely, the attitudes of people complaining about their failed marriages rub off on their friends, and suddenly, previously contented married people begin seeing some cracks in their own relationships. The divorced friends, perhaps feeling relief to be out of a difficult marriage, might advise an exit strategy as opposed to encouragement to fight for the marriage.  

Don’t cut off a friend because she is divorced. Be kind, loving, and a help to her when you can. She is not less-than now because her marriage ended. Also, take what she says about marriage, men, and your husband with a grain of salt. If her advice and opinions contradict the Bible, just don’t apply them to your life. Easy, right?

Our Children

Kids. No one told me, ya’ll. No one told how much they would need me. Here’s that only child naiveté again. For the record, I have no regrets about having five children, but I do wish I had thought about what that meant in terms of energy output on my end, you know? Young Julie just didn’t think about those kinds of things. So, today for anyone who might need to hear it… Kids need a lot. You’re welcome. Glad to help.

In all seriousness, children need a lot from us. They should be a leading priority in our lives. Sometimes, it feels like everything we do revolves around them. At that point, we should take a step back and make sure that feeling is not reality.

The Good

The present-day culture treats children like a hindrance to our best lives. We are taught all women should have a right to dispose of an unborn baby whenever and for whatever reason. Women are often discouraged to have “too many” children. When we found out our second baby was a boy, all I heard from people was that I was so lucky I could be done because I’d have “one of each.” It’s not surprising. Current statistics show American families have even less than the average 2.5 children commonly cited. Our society doesn’t value children anymore. However, God sees kids differently.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 127:3-5

The moment the nurse handed me my oldest I understood love in a new way. I knew I would snap that sweet, friendly nurse in half if I needed to protect my daughter from her. I would do anything to protect my baby. Thankfully, the nurse also wanted to protect my newborn and saved her life, actually. But that’s a story for another day. Suffice it to say, I’ve never had to bust out my action hero moves to protect my kids, leaving me more time to enjoy being a mom.

Our children have brought my husband and me more joy than I thought possible. Every first smile, first step, first time using the potty, and other milestones have made us swell with excitement and thankfulness. Watching them grow into people with their own personalities and preferences has left me awestruck some days. Like, who taught these kids to be so funny, creative, and moody? OK, I know where they got that last one.

Being a mom is one of the greatest privileges of my life, but it has also been the source of stress, frustration, and occasional marital disharmony.

The Bad

Shockingly, my husband doesn’t agree with me all the time. So, he’s wrong sometimes. Maybe I am, too. (Very rarely.) These sweet little bundles of joy don’t always make it easy on us. Navigating the hard times and making the “best” decisions can cause tension in a marriage. This is especially true when the “right” answer isn’t obvious or even ever known for sure.

Kids’ neediness can rob a marriage of quality time, too. Their needs, especially the younger they are, have to be first priority. No one is ignoring their newborn’s need to be fed for a candlelit dinner with her husband. Pro tip: Keep that dinner at home, and feed the baby on the date. I mean it. Do what you must to carve out time together. As your kids grow, these times will look different, but you need to be accommodating to your season of life with children.

The last thing you want to do is make your marriage a partnership in child-centered parenting. A healthy marriage has more going for it than the children that come from it.

Truth: Your husband should be prioritized before your kids.

That’s not popular to say, but I think that might be partially because people read into it what is not there. Putting your husband first does not mean ignoring your kids’ needs. It isn’t telling your children that they are not important. It isn’t denying them in order to give to your man.

Putting your husband first is not forsaking him at the altar of children. Remember, your family began with two people, husband and wife. You expanded, not started, your family when you had children. Putting the children first tells your husband that he is not first place in your heart (below Jesus, of course). This often creates hurt, feelings of rejection, and resentment in a husband.

How To Put Him First

There’s no perfect list, but here’s a few ideas.

1. Send the kids to bed early in order to have time together alone in the evening.

2. Don’t spend so much money on your children that you cannot afford to go out on a date.

3. Make things for dinner that your husband prefers, not just “kid-friendly” fare.

4. Set aside the first few minutes after your husband gets home from work to welcome him and be together with no kids. Their requests have to wait until mom and dad can have a few minutes to check in with one another.

5. Be a united front. Don’t let the kids create a divide between you two. Show them you are a team, and you support their father.

Marriage God’s Way

Have I stepped on your toes a bit? I hope not. I hope you’re already aware of all this or willing to learn a better way to approach your marriage. However, if I did ruffle some feathers, I’d ask you to consider why. Have you replaced God’s Word with “I think?” Please, don’t stop thinking, but just makes sure you’re comparing your ideas to Scripture. We can see God’s simple design for marriage in Genesis 2.

God did not think it was right for Adam to be alone, so He made a “help meet,” Eve, for him (Genesis 2:18, 21-23). Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

God created marriage. From the beginning, He brings man and woman together as companions. Instantly, as if intrusive in-laws had already existed, He said that men and women should leave their families and cleave to one another. In other words, you stick by each other and are now a part of a new nuclear family.

Mark 10:6-8 references these verses from Genesis. Then, Mark 10:9 adds this statement. “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” In all three potential scenarios where we prioritize the wrong people, we not only are not “cleaved” well to our husbands, but we are creating possible areas of negative outside influences and adding strain, bitterness, resentment, and mistrust into our marriages.

In many ways, the negative impacts of prioritizing the wrong people in your marriage pull you apart from your husband. You’re often physically near each other less, and you are probably pulling away emotionally and spiritually, too. Your own priorities may be leading to irreparable damage, “putting asunder,” or ending your marriage.

Final Thought

Spending time with family, friends, and your own children should not require a warning. Yet, here we are. Loving, caring for, and spending time with those people is not inherently sinful. In fact, it is a good thing. But isn’t it just like us to take something good and find a way to misapply it or even sin with it?

Marriage takes work, and it is getting ever more complicated as the world changes around us. Prioritizing our husbands, though, should be simple. But, oh, how often we witness a marriage crumble into a roommate scenario that is just holding on until the kids finish school. Why? Because husband and wife began to put other relationships, even totally appropriate ones, before their marriage, and one or both parties didn’t feel invested anymore.

God tells us to cleave to one another. That’s not a one-time event. Much like with choosing love, I wake up in the morning and decide this guy is mine. I’m going to stick by him and work to show him he comes first.

I pray this is your experience, and if it is not I pray it will be moving forward. You guys, this is one of those marital pitfalls that is easy to avoid if you keep your eyes open and live with intentionality. You’ve got this!  

Read More From The Series

How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Unrealistic Expectations

How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Money

How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Comparison

How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Screen Time

How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Assume The Worst

Image courtesy of Zoriana Stakhniv via Unsplash.