How To Help Your Pastor Husband (Part 2)

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called “How To Help Your Pastor Husband.” In my opinion, pastors need a lot of help from their wives because I quickly came up with at least twelve ideas. I covered the first six in my previous post. I recommended that pastors’ wives should allow interruptions, be flexible, have thick skin, be a vault, be a safe place their husbands, and have their own spiritual lives. Is there more we can do, though? Oh, yes, there is much more…

Calling All Wives!

I said in the first installment of “How To Help Your Pastor Husband” that most of the tips can apply to all Christian wives. Although the standards some people hold pastors’ wives to are higher than for other Christians, pastors’ wives are much more like every other wife in any given church congregation than not.

Every wife has a unique perspective and individual challenges because everyone’s life is a little different than anyone else’s. So, keeping that in mind, read on whether or not you’re a pastor’s wife.

Help Your Pastor Husband #7: Handle As Much As You Can Alone

Your husband is busy, and as a pastor, he is probably constantly being interrupted. I can’t think of a time in the last few years that my husband has been 100% off duty. That’s not a complaint. It’s just the reality of pastoral ministry, and we are (almost) always happy to hear from congregants. I’m gonna be real, ladies. If it’s too early in the morning, then I’m not happy to hear from anyone.

With so much writing, studying, visiting, calling, and counseling to do, your husband would probably love if you handled some things you are asking him to take care of. I don’t know what those things are in your home. In our family, my husband is in charge of certain chores (i.e., trash, car maintenance, spider killing), but he also takes on tasks from every area of our life. He doesn’t have to, but he likes to actively participate in our day-to-day life.

I’m far from perfect at this, but when I know my husband has extra pressures and responsibilities, I try to take those tasks off the table. I do my best to jump in and do things he normally volunteers to take on so that he can stay focused on his pastoral work. Whether it’s taking the kids to a planned event alone, cooking a meal he usually cooks, or pulling the trash out to the street, he notices and expresses how I have lightened the load.

So, just jump in and take on anything you can without complaint and without asking for recognition. Your practical helps to free up your pastor husband are a ministry to him, your church, and God. Nothing you do is too small if it’s in service to the Lord.

Help Your Pastor Husband #8: Take Advantage Of Your Time Together

I have a teensy little confession to make. Sometimes I get frustrated at my husband for working.

His hours are pretty much…all of the hours. Even when he is “off,” we know a call or message could come in and change that instantly. I don’t care most of the time. However, there are days or weeks that feel like he’s constantly being pulled away.

You might think my response to his unpredictable schedule would be to pleasantly and thankfully take in every moment we have together. If so, you think far too highly of me. A time or twenty, I have given him a hard time and been pouty instead of making the most of the time we have together. Makes sense, right? Yeah, if you’re into self-sabotaging, then it makes complete sense!

Causing Damage

As a ministry family, we have agreed to a life that looks unlike most others. We have agreed to living with Christ as our family’s focus which means sacrificing some comforts and preferences we might have. My husband has done nothing wrong by serving our church body. So, how must he feel when I act like a petulant child when we have to accommodate for his ministry? Among other things, he probably feels like I am punishing him. Certainly, this only adds to his stress level and the burden of his day.

So, maybe the next time I find we have time to spend together, I should enjoy it with him. Let’s be honest, no husband wants to create time to spend with a wife who makes him feel guilty. Pastors’ wives have husbands who desperately need that time to reconnect with family and do “normal” things. They need to have lives that carry more than the heavy weight of ministry. We need to build him up when we’re together.

If this sounds like something you do, then join with me in ensuring our husbands know we love them and like them. When he has time to devote solely to you, rearrange your plans, if possible, and enjoy each other’s company. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Help Your Pastor Husband #9: Accept Criticism

Criticism is a part of ministry life whether you like it or not. I’ve had criticism to my face, to other people behind my back, and strongly hinted to my husband. I enjoy none of this. The most difficult criticism to accept, though, is from my husband. I want him to like me and see me in a positive light, and it kind of crushes me a little bit to know he sees things about me that need improvement. OK, that sounds dumb to me, too, when I type it out, but it’s just not how I want to think of my husband thinking of me.

Criticism from someone so close to us can cause embarrassment, insecurity, and anger. But we all know what the root issue is, don’t we? Pride. Pride has no place in a marriage. It hurts communication and tears down the marital relationship. Moreover, pride is not a godly trait and it can be a wedge between us and God.

“Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

Proverbs 26:12 (ESV)

“When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.”

Proverbs 11:12

“But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.”

James 4:6

Frankly, most husbands don’t want to criticize because it’s uncomfortable and may lead to strife, therefore, he must really feel he needs to say something if he’s willing to approach you with criticism. Your pastor husband is just that…your pastor and your husband. So, let him be your spiritual leader, and don’t push back every time he has a suggestion. Trust that he’s looking out for you and is coming to you in love.

Help Your Pastor Husband #10: Stay Up-To-Date On Trends

My husband spends so much time working on the here-and-now stuff that he can end up out of touch with what’s going on in the American Church. He doesn’t need to know everything, but he definitely needs to know the trends and movements that are stirring in our area.

For instance, I had been following a NAR church in our region for a while, and I told him when they were visiting local communities. He may have never known about it unless I’d been paying attention. With this knowledge, he knew it was the right time to discuss some of those teachings and was prepared to answer questions about it.

Ladies’ groups are also under the typical pastor’s radar. They are usually left to teach themselves with whatever resources they want. Inevitably, books written by false teachers end up heavily influencing the women of the church. Why does no one stop them? In part, it’s because the pastor doesn’t even know who those female authors are.

I make it a point to know who may be an influence in women’s lives at our church because what they learn from those influences may end up affecting out church body. Plus, believers like to ask pastors for insight and opinions on well-known preachers, authors, and musicians. So, pastors should at least have a cursory understanding of who ladies are considering to read and follow.

The Constant Example Of Beth Moore

For instance, Beth Moore, a highly celebrated and accepted female Bible teacher, spoke at an event in February held at Baylor University called Racism in the White Church. Her message was not only predictably “woke,” progressive, and anti-white, but it also mutilated the meaning of the Scriptures. You can watch the clips below to for a short sample of her “Bible teaching.” And keep in mind that Moore is taken seriously by many female believers as an authoritative source on the Bible. In the following clips, she twists God’s Word to support the Critical Race Theory (CRT) agenda of silencing and guilting white people and making the Bible about racial equity.

"Jesus did not say to the man, when he said, 'I see men, they look as trees walking,' 'Oh! Well, that's better than it has been. Go on with it. Go shake their branches!'

He said, 'Then you're not done healing.'

I've got such a long way to go in my healing." (2/3) pic.twitter.com/CLp9emOKkN

— Woke Preacher Clips (@WokePreacherTV) March 23, 2023

Wives, you don’t have to know everything, and you don’t need to tell your husband everything you learn along the way. On the other hand, consider making yourself knowledgeable about what’s going in your community and the Church (especially with women) in order to help your husband serve better than he could alone.

Help Your Pastor Husband #11: Be His Biggest Cheerleader

We travel the single block between our home and the church every Sunday afternoon. My husband can hardly wait until we’re out of the parking lot before he says, “How was the message?” I usually say something like, “Hmm. It was good.” What a help I can be! He wants more specifics, and I want to process. However, I do give more hearty feedback when it is warranted.

Sometimes I have a criticism or suggestion for improvement, but I attempt to always make it clear that I believe in him and support him. I married a dreamer who rarely stops himself from thinking big. I realized early in our marriage that I could either support him and be an encourager, or I could constantly try to stop him from doing anything out of my comfort zone (which happens to be a shockingly small zone).

Pastors are regularly told what they are doing wrong. Churchgoers are much more likely to share a comment if it’s a critical or rude remark. Don’t ask me why. This is just the way it is for some reason. Let’s not blend in with the negative voices, wives. Root for him and let him know he’s doing a great job. He needs this so much more than we could ever really understand.

Help Your Pastor Husband #12: Insist On Boundaries

Ministry families have a level of accessibility that can lead to some folks thinking the door is literally always open to them. That sounds nice and incredibly spiritual of the pastor and his family, but it’s not a good way to have a healthy family life. The response to people who don’t give you enough space is easy. Just insist on boundaries. Be clear. Explain why your family needs them. Hold people to the boundaries you’ve set. But be reasonable, too, and remember ministry families have fewer boundaries by nature. Welcome to being a pastor’s wife!

Because you’re not the pastor, I recommend having your husband be the one to put the boundaries you two have agreed upon into place. But be prepared. Your sweet, loving, compassionate, and apparently naïve husband may not think boundaries are necessary or even appropriate. I mean it. Some men just don’t get this. Take a breath, be open-minded, prepare to compromise, and present him with your reasons for needing defined boundaries between your family and the church.

I can’t tell you what those are because every couple has different needs and preferences. Two extroverts may need very little alone time while two introverts may simply have a tough time leaving the house… I’m kidding. Unless it’s true.

Why Have Boundaries?

Here’s what I can say. My family needs healthy boundaries so my husband can have a mental, physical, and spiritual break from ministry work. We need them in order to give our children time, attention, and guidance as a couple. They especially need their dad, and we refuse to sacrifice an involved father in our family just because he is a pastor. Additionally, our marriage needs enough privacy to feel real. What I mean is that it feels like we are performing our marriage for others to see if we have no privacy to grow as a couple and invest in one another. The theme in my reasoning for boundaries can be summed up by saying we need space to personally grow. I think everyone does.

Boundaries may or may not be natural to you and your husband, but setting the ones y’all need to be mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy will make your family strong and your husband better prepared to serve.

Final Thought

Pastor’s wife, you are essential to your husband’s ministry. You can lighten the load, bring joy and refreshment to his life, allow him to speak freely with you, educate him about topics in which you are well-informed, be an encourager, and help ensure your family’s needs are not ignored due to ministry. On the other hand, you could choose not to help your husband in these ways, but for what purpose would you choose to hold back? There’s nothing to lose but so much to gain.

What else would you say a wife can do to help her pastor husband? Tell me in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Everton Vila via Unsplash.