Ministry Life: Boundaries

Ministry life is littered with traps. Don’t misunderstand me, though, because I’ll be the first one to tell you about how being a pastor’s wife has blessed me. Actually, my husband’s ministry has blessed our entire family. Nonetheless, the blessings do not negate the struggles, and the struggle that so many ministry families bring upon themselves is the dysfunctional relationship with boundaries in their ministries.

I have discussed boundaries in the past, but they deserve a closer look. Inappropriate boundaries, whether too many or too few, are the culprit behind burnout, moral failings, familial hardships, depression, and a whole host of other issues we see in ministry families.

Boundaries You Don’t Have

People like me tend to keep everyone at an arm’s length. I’m hesitant to make commitments, slow to be vulnerable with others, and build walls to make it easier when disappointment comes. Basically, I’m apt to push people away.

Not everyone is like this, and no one should be. My excessive boundaries resulted from my upbringing mixed with a heavy dose of introversion. That is no excuse, though, and folks who dive into full-time ministry will find extra boundaries only harm their ministry work.

Before taking a look at the boundaries we should have, we need to consider the boundaries we do not have a right to when we are in ministry.

1. Comfort

Boundaries we create in order to maintain our personal comfort are not appropriate for ministry. This is my biggest struggle in ministry right now. I like to be comfortable, and I really don’t want to be put in a position that requires I leave my comfort zone. (With Vacation Bible School on the way, I think that zone is about to be obliterated!)

To truly serve others, we have to do and say things that are not always comfortable. For example, we are often in the position of rebuking our brothers and sisters in the Lord. I don’t want to confront anyone about anything. Do you? I love my church, but the last thing I am comfortable doing is telling people they might have issues that need to be dealt with concerning sin. Scripture, on the other hand, informs us that love and rebuke go hand in hand.

“Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

Proverbs 27:5-6

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

Galatians 6:1 (ESV)

Ministry families also find discomfort in accommodating others’ needs, schedules, and emergencies. I can’t tell you how many times we have been having family time when my husband has been called away for something ministry related. My children and I understand, but sometimes it does make planning anything as a family difficult. But that’s ministry. We serve others, and that service means sacrificing our preferences sometimes.

2. An Opaque Life

I love my privacy. I don’t have anything to hide, but I don’t like people all up in my business either. Sadly for me, ministry doesn’t offer the same amount of anonymity as others have. No one has a right to know everything about my family, but our public testimony can’t be one of secrecy. We cannot create boundaries that leave us inaccessible to others’ view.

As a pastor, my husband is called to be “above reproach” or “blameless” (1 Timothy 3:2). Therefore, people need a window into our lives to see the evidence confirming my husband’s character.

Also, in a small community like ours, people know who the pastor is at that little church on the hill. They see us out and about and determine what they think about us, our church, and our God based on our behavior and words. There’s a reason people semi-joke about pastors’ families living in a fishbowl. People are watching…and with expectation.

3. Convenience

Ministry needs do not only occur on Sundays and “regular working hours.” They happen when you sit down to dinner, as you’re walking out the door to go somewhere, as you start the movie, when you turn off the lights for bed, and all other hours of the day and night.

You can plan some ministry, but most of it will just pop up as your week progresses. My husband and I sit down once a week and fill out the calendar. I’m not sure we have ever done everything we planned. It wasn’t because we did less, though. Other needs simply came up and required us to shuffle our plans around.

Let’s just say it and embrace it. Ministry is not convenient.

Jesus Had Boundaries

A lot of pastors and ministers have zero boundaries. All day and night are dedicated to ministry. These are often the men you discover have failed to disciple their children and lead at home. Do they think that having no boundaries makes them serve like Jesus? If they do, then they’d be wrong. Jesus modeled some boundaries to us by prioritizing prayer, taking time away from the multitude, and by refusing to be baited in by questions asked in bad faith.

1. Prayer

Jesus took time away to pray and spend time with the Father. He chose to leave behind the multitude and seek out some private time in prayer (Luke 5:16; Mark 1:35).

2. Solitude

Jesus did not always make Himself available to serve. He sometimes took time for solitude. For instance, Jesus withdrew to pray when He was soon to be arrested (Luke 22:39-44). Again, He went to be alone to pray and returned ready to name His disciples (Luke 6:12-13). When Christ heard that John the Baptist had been beheaded, “he departed thence by ship into a desert place apart” (Matthew 14:13).

There are plenty more examples of Jesus separating to be alone or only with His disciples. Often, He pulled away from the crowds to pray, but sometimes Jesus used His solitude to rest or grieve.

3. Baiting

A common trapping for those in ministry is to be baited into conversations that detract from the gospel or will bear no fruit. There are so many people who think they have an original challenge to Christianity, and they are more than happy to try and stump us. We, wanting to show love, willingly take the bait and get sucked into conversations that lead us away from speaking about Jesus and down rabbit trails about whatever pet social issue with which the person is concerned. Jesus didn’t play that way.

In John 8:1-11, the Pharisees interrupted Jesus while He taught, and they dragged in a woman they had caught in the act of adultery. They told Him the law of Moses stated they should stone her, and then they asked Jesus to tell them what He thought they should do.

Jesus could have been pulled into this trap to make Him say something they could use against Him. However, He understood their game, and He didn’t answer the question. He simply said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7).

Jesus didn’t let scoffers lead the conversation. Jesus kept control, steered the dialogue, and stuck to biblical principles. You can find more examples of Jesus refusing to be baited in Matthew 22:15-22 (“Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar, or not?”), Matthew 22:23-34 (“Therefore in the resurrection whose wife shall she be of the seven?”), and Matthew 22:35-40 (“Master, which is the great commandment in the law?”).

Time and again Jesus refused to be baited into foolish pursuits and stuck to Truth.                  

Don’t Set Boundaries Alone

OK, you need boundaries in your ministry to be healthy, maintain integrity, and minister well. But how do you go about setting those boundaries?

Don’t just march into your church and declare them. Boundaries affect the people in your church and your family. You need to consider them and their needs, as well.

If possible, before taking a position in ministry, the boundaries should already be set. Make it known that you have limits and what they are. On the other hand, if you find you need boundaries you haven’t already set, then sit down and talk to the church. Explain your needs and why the boundaries should be set in place. Give the church leaders and members an opportunity to love you by honoring your request rather than demanding they do what you say.

Finally, remember that boundaries limit the church’s ability to demand from the pastor and other ministry workers, but they also limit the power those minsters have. Boundaries will automatically divert some of the load onto other people and lessen the chances that a pastor or ministry leader may become more dictator than servant.

Set Up These 6 Boundaries

Boundaries will look different for different people, families, and churches. Nevertheless, I believe that these six boundaries are necessary for everyone in a ministry position.

1. Time

Despite my prayers to find more time in any given day, we still only have 24 hours a day in which to complete our work and sleep (right?). So, manage it well. Be a steward of your time like you ought to be of your money.

Don’t waste away hours on social media and other techy time suckers. It’s easy to do, and it’ll only harm your productivity.

Establish regular days and times that you have off. Of course, ministry needs might require adjustments, but if, for example, Monday is your day off, then protect it as much as possible.

2. Relationships

First, put your family before your ministry. That doesn’t mean your family necessarily gets more time, but it does mean that you don’t sacrifice your family’s needs and well-being to serve your ministry. Maintain balance, and when the balance gets off (and it will), readjust to make it right again.

Second, protect your marriage. I’m definitely a proponent of the Billy Graham Rule. In essence, the rule is that men and women not meet together alone. So, if a pastor needs to counsel a woman, then he has another person, often his wife, in the session, as well. This protects the woman from inappropriate overtures from the pastor. The pastor is also protected from her potentially inappropriate behavior. Both parties decrease any temptation of sexual sin when they are not alone. Additionally, this practice protects the pastor from a false allegation from someone he counsels. Not to mention, refusing to meet alone with someone of the opposite sex stops any rumors, assumptions, or gossip from starting.

The marriage relationship is the primary relationship in a family, so don’t regularly deprioritize time with your husband because you have ministry work to do. And ladies, urge your husbands to invest some time in you, too.

Third, you don’t have to have the same level of intimacy with everyone. Some people will become very good friends. Others will never move away from a more topical or shallow relationship. It’s all good because not everyone can be your best friend.

We need to recognize, too, that some people will need to be kept at a distance. Not everyone is safe emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Ministry does not require you to put your family or yourself in harm’s way. You might choose to take the risk, but it isn’t necessary.

3. Sabbath

Anyone in ministry will tell you that Sunday is not truly a Sabbath day of rest. There seems to be more work and business on Sunday than any other day of the week! So, pick a day that will be your Sabbath, and protect it. You need it, and God commands it. Rest in your Lord without guilt. Being in ministry doesn’t remove your need for a day of rest, too.

4. Define Emergency

Make sure those you serve understand what you define as an emergency. This might seem silly, but some people see everything as an emergency.

Someone called me frantically one afternoon. She kept hanging up and calling again. Finally, I answered, and she just wanted to confirm social plans we had later in the week. She could have left a message, but it was an emergency to her. Meanwhile, I had to stop my homeschooling and take the call to make the interruptions stop. She needed to have a conversation with me later about how to contact me when it wasn’t an immediate need.

5. Differentiate Between Required And Expected

Find out what is considered a requirement in your ministry. Churches often equate requirements and personal expectations, and you need to separate the two. People might expect more from you than you can consistently accomplish, so you need to work out what the reasonable requirements are and let anything extra you do be a bonus.

Other people’s expectations do not determine what must be done. Don’t let anyone think his or her personal preferences about your work should dictate your ministry.

6. Methods Of Communication

Decide how people can contact you. I personally prefer text messages and emails. With five kids at home being homeschooled, it’s easier for me to type a response than to stop what I’m doing to find a quiet spot to take a call. Though, honestly, I’m using the word quiet loosely here.

Maybe you don’t use Facebook, so that isn’t a good way to reach you, or maybe you prefer calls go through a landline in your home. It’s up to you. Just make it known.

The other major issue is when people can contact you. Outside of emergencies, draw a line for when contact can start and stop. You’d hope no one would blow up your phone at midnight, but some people will.

Others might not use technology. They may just show up at your home early in the morning because they were already up and “in the area.” Clearly define what is appropriate. You have a right to not answer every call, not respond to every text immediately, and to eat dinner with your family without interruption. But don’t expect everyone to know these things automatically. You are going to have to tell them. Then, you’ll need to stick to it.

Final Thought

When we are in ministry, we sacrifice a lot of our wants and preferences to serve others. I hope we do it gladly and for God’s glory. But I also pray that those in ministry are not afraid to set healthy boundaries. Ministry life is not the life of a doormat. We best serve Jesus when we keep ourselves spiritually, mentally, and physically healthy. And we are not doing anyone any favors by pushing ourselves and our families beyond our limits.

What boundaries have you seen that work or don’t work in ministry?

Image courtesy of Jan Canty via Unsplash.