How To Handle Large Family Holidays

As each one of my children arrived, more questions and “helpful” suggestions concerning finances came my way. “You can save money by eating off the McDonald’s dollar menu once a week.” “Stop having kids now.” “How will you pay for their college?” “You could always put the kids in public school and get a job.” No time of year comes with more assumptions, misunderstandings, and unsolicited advice about my family than the holiday season. So, let me tell you how I take on large family holidays, and maybe you will find you’d like to change things up this year. At the very least, I might receive fewer awkward questions this year…

What Is A Large Family?

We better make sure we are on the same page regarding what I mean by large families. It is a subjective term. Some would consider any more than two children makes a large family. As a loner, I thought having a husband made my immediate family pretty large. Now, we’re super-sized! However, many women with enough kids to fill a passenger van don’t feel like they have a large family. It’s all relative.

For our purposes, I’m deeming a family with five or more children a large family. I’m basing this on the difficulty of simple things. Families with seven or more members will find they often need to upgrade to larger vehicles. Even most minivans start to bust at the seams a bit.

They can’t easily find one hotel room when traveling. So, they need to rent vacation homes, expensive hotel suites, book two hotel rooms, or camp. Traveling with this many people can require some creativity.

Not to mention, the size and amount of furniture becomes troublesome, grocery trips look like prepper shopping, and finding a babysitter requires a small loan or amazing friends.

Common Large Family Holiday Misconceptions

Everyone has expectations for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We know what makes it feel special to us, and we sometimes think no one can have a happy holiday without those same things. When you have a bunch of kids, people seem to get concerned about if your kids are getting the right kind of holiday. There are two main misconceptions about large family holidays that I have encountered.

1. Large Families Must Be Rich Because The Holidays Are So Expensive

I’m sure some large families have a lot of money. I don’t know any of these families, but I don’t doubt that they are out there. Large families simply don’t need nearly as much money as the population at large seems to think.

Many large families figure out how to navigate life with less than their neighbors. I’d say that most families I have met with many children only had one working parent. These families made sacrifices, but they also recognized that they could have a fulfilling life with less money.

The idea of fulfillment and joy outside of the financial arena is alien to a lot of people. However, money simply cannot be the vehicle through which many large families achieve happiness or a great Christmas. They just don’t have that much!

2. Large Families Are Too Poor To Have A Good Holiday

So, yeah, either we’re super rich, or we’re super poor. The image I get from this assumption is a gaggle of children sitting around a table carefully dividing a loaf of bread and opening their Christmas presents (one for each kid, of course) wrapped in old newspaper. Inside? A used scarf from Goodwill in need of a slight sewing repair.

This might be reminiscent of some people’s holiday experiences, but this isn’t really a fair picture of most large family holidays. Undeniably, kids cost money. My husband and I regularly joke about how much money we’ll have after the kids have all grown up and moved out. Until then, we will invest a lot of what we have, such as money, time, mental and emotional energy, and so much love, into our children. Does that mean families like mine are so poor that we have “ruined” the holiday season for our children? No.

The Root Of These Misconceptions

I believe the basis of these two common large family holiday misconceptions is materialism. The span of time between Thanksgiving and the New Year is sold to us as a time for buying things. The message is that love is best shown through gifts…expensive ones!

Seeing as around 40% of Americans are willing to put themselves into debt to buy Christmas gifts, we shouldn’t be surprised by the assumption that heavy spending is a holiday necessity in many minds. In 2018, parents spent an average of $422 per child on Christmas gifts. There is some evidence that spending patterns are changing thanks to Covid-19, but we don’t know to what degree yet.

Most families struggle to approach the holidays with such a high expectation for gift giving, not to mention the parties, travel, and extra food expenses that can blow the budget. So, how could large family holidays not be viewed as either a wealthy extravaganza or a terrible disappointment and exercise in poverty?

Ya’ll, there’s a much better way to approach the holidays.

The Large Family Holiday Mindset

1. Set Realistic Expectations

Do you remember when cigarette ads played on television? The commercials always made it seem like if you smoked that brand you would be sexy, well-liked, cool, and active. Sadly, it turns out that smoking leads to wrinkles, yellow skin, dental issues, generally smelling bad, emphysema, cancer, and death. I guess we can’t trust advertisers to tell us the truth…

In many ways, the holiday ads we encounter are the same as these cigarette ads. We are being sold the idea that our value as parents, spouses, friends, and society members rests in the gifts we give and parties we throw. The problem is that is a complete lie.

For one, people are so much more than the sum of the gifts they give. Anyone who treats you differently isn’t someone you should take seriously anyway.

Second, you can’t make people like you by buying them stuff. No one will appreciate more you because you got them an iPhone. If they act like they do, then they’re just looking to take advantage of you.

Third, encouraging people to spend money that they don’t have only leads people into more debt. Are gifts that will be forgotten in a short time worth a high-interest bill that you’ll be paying off months beyond the holiday?

Finally, no one’s mental health or personal sense of fulfillment will increase because of how much stuff sat under the tree on Christmas morning. No one becomes a joyful and peace-filled person because of all the swag they got for Christmas.

The holidays are just a blip in our lives. Enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, but set reasonable expectations.

2. Focus On Experiences

I like receiving gifts. Partly, it’s because I’m selfish, but I also don’t buy myself a lot. So, gifts are a real treat to me. My kids and husband love getting gifts, too. My husband always wants to open them early, and my children won’t stop asking me about them, hoping for a clue.

When we reminisce about our past holidays, though, the conversation rarely goes to gifts. Everyone remembers the conversations, trips, adventures, and other interpersonal experiences. Large family holidays naturally excel at this because something memorable is bound to happen in a family with five or more kids! It’s the snowball fight or hike, not the Kindle, that makes the holidays.

Large family holidays will benefit from being present much more than giving presents. Although, I highly encourage gifts, too.

3. Have Large Family Holiday Traditions

Traditions don’t have to be all that big. My husband loves to hold open houses for Christmas. That one is a pretty big deal because I end up cleaning the whole house for people to dirty up in a matter of minutes, preparing a fair amount of food, and spending hours around people in a party atmosphere as an introvert. That’s the big tradition we have, but most of the others are quite small.

For example, we look at Christmas lights, watch Christmas movies, make cookies, and we decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day after our big meal. The kids expect these things to happen, and they look forward to it every year. I’ve tried to skip some things we do, but my children were so disappointed I added them back into our schedule.

Again, Christmas isn’t about the money we spend. Rather, it’s about the time we spend together. I sincerely hope my adult children come back to visit for the holidays asking to participate in some of our traditions. Maybe they’ll even implement some of them in their own homes because “it just isn’t the holidays without…”

4. Don’t Compare

I don’t have a problem with people spending a bunch of money on the holiday season and giving out extravagant gifts. That is a completely personal decision. If you have the money and want to, then go for it. But that isn’t the only way to celebrate.

We would be better off if we didn’t look at our Christmas, for example, and compare it to others. I’ve known families who spent thousands of dollars on gifts for just a couple of kids, and they were miserable and ungrateful. I’ve known thankful and joyful families who have a small meal, few decorations, and one or two modest gifts for each child every year. I’ve seen the opposite of these families, as well.

Comparison, especially from an outside perspective, does nothing but make us doubt ourselves. Let those other folks enjoy their holidays while you enjoy yours. Large family holidays can be expensive endeavors or frugal experiences. That said, most fall somewhere in between those two extremes. And guess what. They are all okay.

5. The Holidays Are About Jesus, Anyway

Anyone, Christian or not, can celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year. There is a secular version of all three of these. However, I’m talking to you, Christian. And, as we know, none of this is about us.

As in everything we do, these holidays should be about our Lord. We should be thankful for what God has given us and done for us. He created the universe in which we have the privilege to live (Genesis 1-2). Not only that, but He is here for us in ways no one else can be.

“The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”

Psalm 18:2

Of course, we must also remember Jesus. At Christmas, there is a lot of focus on baby Jesus, and that’s important. Our Savior came to Earth as a defenseless baby and lived as a human being as He grew into a man. Unlike us, though, He is the Lord. Although manger scenes are cute to watch played out by our children at church, that baby grew up and did the unimaginable by sacrificing Himself on the cross for us (Isaiah 53:5).

“Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.”

1 Peter 2:24

Final Thought

Gifts, parties, and money are not inherently evil. In fact, they can be wonderful things in our lives, but that can only be true if our focus and worship are applied to solely Jesus Christ.

Maybe large family holidays have become increasingly stressful and expensive for you. I get it. Our family of seven certainly requires a lot of energy and money to function. We get through it, though, by remembering that all of it is about Jesus. Our kids understand that the gifts and costly festivities are extras. All that can disappear, and Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year will still be there. And we can always celebrate no matter how much or how little we have because, with the Lord, we always what we need.

Do you have a large family holiday season this year? How are you handling it?

Image courtesy of National Cancer Institute via Unsplash.