Even More Bad Marriage Advice For Christians

Marriage is a blessing, but let’s get real. Sometimes it is really challenging. In those moments when the challenge is overwhelming or new, we reach out for advice. And I’m here to tell you, there is an abundance of it. Unfortunately, a lot of the marriage advice floating around out there is bad. Some of it is even damaging to marriages rather than helpful or instructive. Previously I wrote two posts on the subject, The 10 Worst Pieces Of Marriage Advice I’ve Ever Heard and More Bad Marriage Advice For Christians, and yet…there’s more. So, let’s take one more look at even more bad marriage advice for Christians.

Even More Bad Marriage Advice #1: Opposite Sex Friends Are Fine

If ever there were a position to take on about any subject that will guarantee anger, it’s this one. Before you start ripping me apart in the comments section, give me a chance. I’m not taking the black and white stance on this issue and suggesting men and women must have zero contact outside of the marriage covenant. Though, I am undoubtedly on an extremely conservative side of things.

Let’s define friend first because I think we might apply that word too liberally. As I understand the word, it means someone with whom you have a close, affectionate bond. A friend is someone you have an intimate connection with that is not sexual. So, what’s wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex if it is, by definition, not sexual? It is the intimacy and affection.

Who’s Your First Call?

A friend is someone you reach out to when things are going terrible. If you lose your job, for example, you call your friend for support. The same can be said if you have something wonderful occur. Maybe you land a dream job or get into a long sought-after college program, and the first thing you want to do is call your friends and tell them. That’s natural and normal.

However, having close friendships with someone of the opposite sex becomes more complicated and dangerous when a marriage enters the picture. Given the best intentions, the risks of hurt feelings, jealousy, and crossing the line still exist. If I was given good news and reached out to another man first to celebrate, my husband would probably feel slighted. If my husband called a work friend to share news before telling me, I would probably think it was weird. A married person’s natural reaction to big news and events should be to reach out to his or her spouse, not an opposite sex friend.

A Shoulder To Cry On

Friendships with members of the opposite sex also act as a place to air our grievances about our significant others. We seek out our friend to help us understand why our spouse is acting a certain way or to help us process an argument. Before you know it, your friend knows all about your marriage and acts as a comforter and encourager. This friend becomes the support your spouse should be.

Sometimes our friend is a co-worker, too, and this is extra trouble because they spend more time with you than your spouse. Plus, the friend will begin to seem like he “gets you” better because he experiences your work challenges with you. Work can begin to feel like a separate life from the one we lead with our families, and that is how we end up with the work wife and work husband phenomenon.

Direct Competition

Friendships with men who are not your husband create direct competition between your husband and those men. If your husband isn’t meeting a need, then your guy friend can easily slide into the situation and fill in where your husband dropped the ball. This makes your husband look like a failure, and your friend suddenly seems like he can meet your needs better.

Consider Possible Red Flags

Ask yourself these questions about your friendship. A “yes” to any of these questions should give you pause about the friendship.

1. Are you more excited about seeing your friend than seeing your husband?

2. Is your friend meeting a need you don’t think your husband can meet?

3. Are you texting and calling your friend every day? All day?

4. Do you share personal details from your marriage with your friend?

5. Do you open up more to your friend than your husband?

6. Are you hiding communications with your friend from your husband?

7. Is your husband uncomfortable with the friendship?

8. Do you lack physical boundaries with your friend?

9. Do you act differently around your friend when your husband is around?

An Acquaintance, Not A Friend

Ladies, your male friendships should more closely resemble an acquaintanceship. In other words, the men in your life, aside from relatives and your husband, ought to be casual friends. Deep intimate friendship with a male should be reserved for your husband. He is your best friend, closest neighbor, lover, and most intimate connection on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. No man needs to share that load.

Let me share a personal example. My husband and I are friends with a married couple who has children the same age as our own. We all get along very well, and our kids are close friends. But do you know what? I am not friends with the husband. I like him just fine. He’s nice, funny, and he and my husband have a good time together.

Nonetheless, that man is my acquaintance, and his wife is my friend. I would never call him to chat, send him texts or private messages, or hang out alone with him. We are not at any particular risk, but I choose to safeguard both marriages. I suppose you could call me a big fan of the Billy Graham Rule. Out of respect for my husband and my friend’s marriage, I choose to maintain healthy boundaries between myself and her husband. In fact, I do this with all men. Without others present, I simply don’t have personal contact with other men. And, for the record, it hasn’t negatively impacted my life in any way.

It isn’t popular to discourage friendships with the opposite sex. Actually, most modern marriage advice advocates for it. But why? When approximately 35% of married men and 17% of married women are having extramarital affairs, there is no need to stack the odds against yourself. Not to mention, according to a study from the University of Colorado Boulder, 53.5% of extramarital affairs are with a close friend and 29.4% are with someone the married person knows fairly well, such as a co-worker or neighbor.

Does having an opposite sex friend mean there will be an affair? No, but it doesn’t help the cause. Don’t risk it.

“The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”

Proverbs 27:12 (ESV)

Even More Bad Marriage Advice #2: If You Sinned Sexually Together, Then Get Married

Conservative Christians have probably encountered this bad marriage advice at one point or another. It starts when two people give in to sexual temptation with one another and are caught or confess. The counseling ends in this scenario with a push for the two people to get married. Why? It is because they had sex out of wedlock, and some Christians seem to think marriage will “make it right.”

Well, no, it won’t “make it right.” The sin was a sin, and it remains a sin even after marriage. Thankfully, we can confess and repent of it. This couple can take steps to be transparent with others about their relationship and ask for others to hold them accountable. Encouraging this action usually suggests that the couple can erase the sin by becoming husband and wife. But that just isn’t biblical. We can’t erase sins with any works we do. That’s Christianity 101, folks.

The other issue with this marriage advice is that it generally comes from the idea that the couple, especially the woman, is damaged goods. Now, they have to marry each other because they ruined themselves by losing their virginity

They aren’t ruined. Yes, obedience to the Word would have been to save sex for after marriage, but that ship has sailed. Forcing a life changing decision on someone for having sexually sinned is practically criminal. In some cases, that couple will go on to marry and have a family. On the other hand, sometimes two people commit a sexual sin and have no business getting married to each other…ever.

Ultimately, this marriage advice condemns people to a lifelong sentence to a marriage to someone they may or may not have wanted to marry. Rather than promoting confession, repentance, and forgiveness, this method resembles sweeping sin under the rug. Put a ring on it, and the sin is gone. Is anyone else feeling a little gross about the whole thing?

Even More Bad Marriage Advice #3: Follow Your Heart

This marriage advice is easy to argue against.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

That sums it up nicely, doesn’t it? Of course, it spits in the face of the messaging we have all been fed by Disney. Am I the only one who grew up watching classic Disney films? They all taught us to follow our heart. The Little Mermaid was about a sixteen-year-old girl who follows her heart by disobeying her father and risking the lives of, like, every living creature in the sea by exposing mermaids to the world. Aladdin tells the story of a young man who lies and manipulates to win the love of the beautiful princess, and we root for him because he’s following his heart.

Disney isn’t the only company pushing this idea, though. One of my favorite romantic comedies when I was growing up was You’ve Got Mail. The plot focuses on two people following their hearts by lying and cheating on their significant others.

Another example of a film featuring the protagonist following her heart while the audience cheers her along is The Notebook. (Spoiler Warning) The main couple falls in love, but they are separated by circumstances outside of their control. The woman has moved on and gotten engaged by the time she sees her first love again. Eventually, she goes to bed with him while her ignorant fiancé prepares to marry her. How does the audience respond? They cheer! She faces no negative consequences and gets the guy. All’s fair in love and war, I guess.

The Heart Wants Sin

All these movies promote following one’s heart, but each film demonstrates that following our hearts means pursuing selfishness and sin. Instead of following your heart in marriage, follow God. Following your heart will likely lead to you hurting your husband and serving yourself rather than your husband and the Lord. Don’t lean on your heart; Lean on the Lord.

Even More Bad Marriage Advice #4: Put Your Children First

Is there a more acceptable idol among Christians than children? Parents build their entire lives around their children. In order to give those kiddos everything, parents buy homes they can’t afford, purchase name brand clothing meant to impress, go on expensive vacations, join every club and sport available, and organize their entire schedule around their children’s desires. Parents prioritize their children over everything, even their marriage. This can be devastating to husbands and wives.

The question I frequently hear in response to my thoughts is, “Then, do we treat our kids like they are second-class citizens in our homes?” Of course not! However, we can’t forget that the marriage is the primary relationship in the family.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

As one flesh with your husband, there should be an intimacy and connection to each other that surpasses that which we have with anyone else. Together, husband and wife will disciple and train up their children, but this can’t be at the expense of the marriage. Circumstances will require that the kids come first at various times, but the marriage should be prioritized overall.

Two major reasons to prioritize your marriage:

1. When your children leave the home, you’ll be left with your husband. Making your children the first priority on a regular basis will slowly deteriorate your relationship with your husband until you have nothing left in common except the kids. So, what happens when they move out? You’re married to a stranger.

2. We model a healthy marriage to our children. They will see how to treat a spouse and love sacrificially. A couple who consistently forgoes intentional time together teaches their children to take their spouse for granted.

Kids can bless a marriage, and a family can faithfully live and serve God together. In fact, that’s ideal. Putting your marriage first doesn’t mean you put down your kids or neglect them, but it does mean that they understand mom and dad are a team who will guide the whole family as it is best for everyone – not just the children.

Allowing the children to dictate how the house runs is a fast track to turning the blessing you have with children into a curse on your marriage.

Even More Bad Marriage Advice #5: All You Need Is Love

The Beatles gave us a catchy and memorable song, “All You Need Is Love.” It’s an incredibly romantic idea, and it is completely wrong.

Marriage absolutely requires love, but the world’s definition of love is based on feelings and sexual attraction – neither of which can carry a marriage. Yes, they’re important and nice things to have in a marriage, but they don’t just happen to us. We need to choose to love because there will be days when we just don’t feel love. If love was not something we can choose to do, then why would God’s Word tell us to love others (Ephesians 4:2; John 13:34; 1 John 4:7; 1 Peter 4:8; Ephesians 5:25; John 15:12).

Yet, there’s more to marriage than the love we feel and choose. We need a common worldview, open communication, willingness to sacrifice for each other, grace, forgiveness, and a shared love of Christ. Without these things, marriage is predictably more difficult. Talk to a woman married to a man who won’t offer her forgiveness, and you’ll hear stories of unresolved conflict and tension. Meanwhile, a husband with an uncommunicative wife will describe a marriage filled with misunderstandings and unspoken expectations that are never met.

Most importantly, ask a Christian how she feels about her marriage to an unbelieving man. No matter how much she loves him or how wonderful he is to her, she will feel a void in the relationship. The most important thing in her life is not a thing at all in his life. A quick search online and you can easily find blog posts and social media groups which deal with women’s struggles in unequally yoked marriages (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; 1 Corinthians 7:12-15). Love wasn’t enough for these wives.

Marriage needs love, but it can’t survive on that alone. Truly, marriage needs Christ at the center, or it is not based on anything solid. None of these things can guarantee a lasting marriage, but they go a long way in helping create a healthy one. In fact, Christian, any marriage advice you get that doesn’t come from the Word or involve Jesus is not good advice.

Final Thought

Every marriage is different because every couple is unique. My marriage isn’t ideal for many, maybe most, people. However, I think it’s great. So, how can I tell anyone which marriage advice to follow and which to toss aside? Technically, I can’t tell you what to do. I don’t know you, your circumstances, or your personal needs. Nevertheless, I am able to offer this: Let the Bible guide your marriage. All my blog posts about bad marriage advice have simply been a result of taking the advice and sifting it through the Word of God.

Some of it, admittedly, has been in the gray area, but it might be time to reevaluate how much time we spend in the gray. Should we flirt with bad advice because it allows us to live an easier or more comfortable lifestyle? In my experience, we would all have better marriages if we were less concerned with “what can I do?” and more interested in “what should I do?”

What do you think about this marriage advice? Is it good, or do you agree with me and think that it’s not worth following?

Image courtesy of Foto Pettine via Unsplash.