What Are We Getting Wrong About Christian Forgiveness?

Relationships are difficult. That’s not surprising when we consider how complicated people are and how flawed and sinful they are by nature. Sure, we’re all born with positive qualities, but anyone who has raised a child can confirm that people are born with noticeable character deficits. One of the more difficult aspects of maintaining healthy relationships with others is forgiveness. All of us have struggled at one time or another with resentment and bitterness, but they aren’t conducive to successful relationships. Not to mention, unforgiveness doesn’t reflect a life changed by Jesus. Christian forgiveness is a necessary part of a believer’s life, but on the whole, we seem to get this wrong. Really, really wrong. Seeing as forgiveness is an essential part of a Christian walk, I believe we need to get this figured out and practice it faithfully in our lives. But first, we need to remove the bad teaching we’ve encountered.

Christian Forgiveness Is Not…

Has anyone ever hurt you and then someone else counseled you to push your feelings down and forgive the offender immediately in order to move on? I’m guessing you have. I won’t argue that this approach won’t make everything look hunky-dory from the outside, but I’m convinced it isn’t correct. Let’s examine six things Christians are told about forgiveness that fall short of the goal.

1. Forgive And Forget

“Forgive and forget” is probably the most overused platitude regarding forgiveness. Christians typically refer to a few verses when they pull out this oldie but goodie.

“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”

Isaiah 43:25 (ESV)

“For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.”

Hebrews 8:12

“And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.”

Hebrews 10:17

At first glance, without the counsel of the whole of Scripture, we can easily walk away believing that God literally forgets our sins. Give it an extra few minutes of thought, though, and consider God’s defining qualities. Specifically, I’m thinking of omnipresence, omnipotence, and omniscience.

Omnipresence and omnipotence don’t really apply here, but omniscience certainly does. Omniscience refers to knowing everything. Everything. Picture it. God literally forgets your sin. Now, He doesn’t know everything because you spoke His memory of your transgression out of existence with three little words. “Lord, forgive me.”

God remembers your sin, but He doesn’t hold it against you when you repent and ask for forgiveness. He separates your sin as far away from you as we can imagine. Why? Because our God loves us and shows us mercy beyond measure. That’s why.

“For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.”

Psalm 103:11-12

Christian forgiveness doesn’t encompass some sort of memory wipe. You’re not being unforgiving because you remember someone’s past offenses. However, true forgiveness is knowing what she did in the past and moving on without holding it over her head.

2. Forgiveness Removes Consequences

I’m at a complete loss for where this hot take on forgiveness comes from, but I’m incredibly offended by it. From a commonsense perspective, people need consequences to learn and grow. Sometimes consequences are positive such as a good grade after studying hard for an exam. Of course, consequences can be negative outcomes such as a dead garden when you don’t tend to it.

I immediately think of Zacchaeus (was a wee little man) from Luke 19:1-10. He was a tax collector, and like the others, has defrauded people in his duties. Essentially, he was taking more than people owed and pocketing the excess. He was a popular guy around town, I’m sure…

After Zacchaeus encountered Jesus, he changed. He repented and Jesus Himself confirmed Zacchaeus’s salvation. We don’t know what forgiveness looked like between Zacchaeus and those around Him, but we do know that God forgave him because he was saved. However, in a spiritually mature move, Zacchaeus took ownership of the damage he had caused. There were consequences to his actions, and he accepted them. Zacchaeus repaid anyone he stole from four times over and gave half of his wealth to the poor. Forgiveness didn’t get him off the hook, and he made things right.

Our Takeaway: Consequences

We can take a note from Zacchaeus. Not all sins can be forgiven and left behind with little to no consequences. Criminals can be forgiven, but they still need to answer for their illegal activity. A cheating spouse can repent and be forgiven, but the damage that betrayal caused can’t be ignored. In fact, even after forgiveness, that marriage may still be over. In some circumstances, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak, and everyone involved needs to deal with the repercussions. Ultimately, Christian forgiveness doesn’t mean we get off scot-free.

3. Forgiveness Requires We Maintain The Relationship

This teaching about forgiveness relates closely to the belief that forgiveness removes consequences. Read this carefully. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. As believers, we should strive to reconcile. I often say that our God is a God of reconciliation. Jesus died on the cross for us so that we could be reconciled to the Father. The problem is that reconciliation is not always possible.

A personal example is my unreconciled relationship with my mother. She died in 2018 after our four year estrangement. We can’t reconcile for obvious reasons. She never asked for forgiveness, but I had forgiven her during our estrangement. My anger turned to pity, and I prayed for an opportunity to reconcile. Sadly, she passed away from cirrhosis of the liver without ever reaching out to me. Thankfully, we didn’t need to reconcile for God to soften my heart enough to forgive her. And praise God for that mercy in my life! I can’t imagine the heavy burden of carrying unforgiveness for the rest of my life because she can’t reconcile with me.

Someone doesn’t have to die, however, for forgiveness to fail to lead to reconciliation. Some folks just lack insight. Do you know what I mean? They can’t see what they are doing as anything but justified. They believe that the poor way they treat others or speak to them is validated because, in their own minds, they are correct. These people often have an unteachable spirit. Unfortunately, reconciliation isn’t always possible with these individuals.

Time To Let Go

Occasionally, we encounter someone in our lives with whom reconciliation is impossible. We can let go of bitterness and love him as a fellow traveler in this world, but his sin requires a strict and decided boundary. This might be for your own safety or the safety of those you love. It also might be necessary to separate permanently to protect yourself from future temptations to sin. For instance, an extramarital affair partner or someone who you used to do drugs with would both best serve you as a memory rather than a present friend.

Christian forgiveness requires love and letting bitterness go. Believers need to leave the offense behind and stop holding it against the offender. On the other hand, some offenses make moving on to reconciliation an impossibility. Natural consequences sometimes include a clean break from people. That shouldn’t give us license to drop anyone who bothers us, but when done discerningly, we can feel confident that our decision to leave a relationship does not signify a lack of forgiveness.

4. Easy Forgiveness

Just do it. It’s not just a catchy ad slogan. It’s how some people approach forgiveness, too. Depending on the circumstance, though, forgiveness can require some work. Deep hurts need to be recognized and dealt with by the injured party. However, easy forgiveness encourages us to stuff down our feelings and get over it. Apparently, Christians don’t need to process their feelings, understand why they’re hurt, and prayerfully consider what next steps may be needed in order to potentially reconcile and, of course, forgive. Take it on the chin, kid, and forgive right now.

I understand this can sound as if I’m suggesting we hold a grudge or forgive sparingly. Please, don’t misinterpret my intended meaning. The truth is that forgiveness isn’t a simple as, “Ouch, that was hurtful. Anyway, I’m fine now. All is forgiven and all is well.”

All that said, we ought to forgive, and we should do so as quickly as we can. Don’t let bitterness grow in your heart because you won’t move on, but don’t “forgive” unless you’re actually able to forgive. Easy forgiveness, unlike true Christian forgiveness, has a tendency to be forgotten when a disagreement arises or insecurity sets in. Easy forgiveness is not real forgiveness; it’s lip service to check it off the list.

5. Ignoring That Forgiveness Can Be A Process

My husband said some unpleasant things to me when we were dating as unbelievers. He was no villain in our story, though. I could cut him down with terrifying precision in a few words if pushed too far. Thanks to our salvation and maturity, we are a long way from the people we used to be. Nonetheless, I would occasionally find myself stewing about something my husband had said to me before we were married or knew Jesus. I had forgiven all that long before, and I was happily married (and still am). Despite the healthy reality I lived in, I would suddenly remember something, and anger swelled up.

Had I already forgiven him for whatever past offense sprang to mind? Yes! But there it was again. So, what was a girl to do? First, I considered whether or not it was worth bringing up. It never was. I had already forgiven him, promising to not hold it against him in the future. Plus, none of what I remembered had any bearing on my present. Second, I decided to remind myself that I had forgiven him, and it was in the past. “Julie, this chapter is over, and it’s time to move on.” Finally, I chose to push it from my mind and remind myself of how far we had come from whatever it was on which I was perseverating.

Christian Forgiveness Isn’t Always One And Done

Forgiveness is a process because healing is one, too. It can’t be forced upon us, and we need to learn how to handle triggers that bring old wounds to the surface. I can happily confirm, though, that it gets easier with time. And yes, eventually old offenses stop coming to mind.

However much we may long for it to be true, Christian forgiveness isn’t always a one and done act. It might take time. Tacking “Christian” in front of forgiveness doesn’t make it somehow simple.

6. Carrying The Burden Of Forgiveness Alone

Allow me to contradict myself. I just said that being Christian doesn’t automatically make forgiveness simple, but maybe it can be. I’m an independent woman, sometimes to a fault. Women like me are walking around with the delusion that we can handle everything ourselves. This is true with forgiveness, as well.

If we’re honest with ourselves, it can be really hard to forgive some people. I’ll admit that I’ve caught myself thinking, “I don’t want to forgive this person.” In the end, I didn’t think some people deserved to be forgiven. That’s pretty hilarious (and shocking) when we consider that came from a woman who has been forgiven through the works of Jesus on the cross. Did I deserve that? The Bible says I didn’t.

“As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one. Their throat is an open sepulchre; with their tongues they have used deceit; the poison of asps is under their lips: Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness: Their feet are swift to shed blood: Destruction and misery are in their ways: And the way of peace have they not known: There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

Romans 3:10-18

When we struggle to forgive and bitterness creeps in, we need to turn to the Lord and ask Him to soften our heart. He can and will if we seek His help and are seeking His will concerning forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-22).

“And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.”

1 John 5:14-15

He hears our prayers, carries our burdens, and gives us strength beyond what we can muster alone. Can’t forgive someone? Ask God for help.

Harm Through “Christian” Forgiveness

Some will argue that none of these details matter that much. Just forgive and be done with it. Others might say that I’m throwing too many caveats on forgiveness and making room for hard-heartedness to swell in the Church. My rebuttal to that is simple. How many people have had dangerous rhetoric about forgiveness shoved down their throats to keep sin and abuse secret? We have seen examples of this brought to light through multiple docuseries such as Let Us Prey and Shiny, Happy People.

Church needs to be a safe place that glorifies the Lord and where people are cared for and protected, not a secretive environment with a bent toward only protecting the powerful. Families should be encouraging and looking out for members’ best interests rather than people with whom you need to hide your feelings and simply “keep the peace.”

Our Takeaway: Sunlight Is The Best Disinfectant

Sin should be exposed, and conflicts ought to be settled. Of course, real forgiveness should happen as we seek reconciliation, but consequences can’t be overlooked. This cheap forgiveness that some use to disregard the hurt they cause and to quiet victims is incompatible with the Christian walk. Maybe I’m just a pot stirrer, but I encourage you to call out bad advice and teaching about forgiveness when you hear it. Sure, it won’t make you popular, but it’ll help.

Final Thought

Forgiveness is essential to the Christian life, and I firmly believe Christians’ forgiveness sets us apart from the rest of the world. It’s a beautiful testimony of the One who has forgiven us. But remember what forgiveness is and is not. Christian and doormat are not synonymous, and you, Friend, can discern what comes after forgiveness.

What have you been told about Christian forgiveness that turned out to be unhelpful or even harmful? What good information about forgiveness have you received?

Image courtesy of Etienne Boulanger via Unsplash.