6 Things I Wish I Had Known Before Becoming A Pastor’s Wife

If I made a list before I was saved of a million paths my life might take one day, pastor’s wife would not have been on it. After becoming a Christian, the list would still not include pastor’s wife. No one saw it coming except for God. Also, I didn’t have a clue what to expect or what ministry life truly entailed. Let’s just say, I wasn’t exactly prepared. There are plenty of things I wish I had known before becoming a pastor’s wife. I’m going to talk about six of them.

Not Exactly The Image In My Mind

Think of a generic pastor’s wife, and I bet many of you end up thinking of a similar woman. This is especially true if we’re thinking of the same denomination. I’m a conservative Baptist. Does that give you an image? Here’s mine.

Image courtesy of Rana Sawalha via Unsplash.

She’s put together, been a Christian since childhood, grew up in a Christian home, plays all the instruments, leads all the ministries for children and food, and is very serious. That’s what I thought, at least. This made me petrified of my husband becoming a pastor because I’m more like this…

I’m not exactly oozing “pastor’s wife.” Or am I? It probably depends on what you’re looking for from the woman married to your pastor. But I’m probably not the first person who comes to mind for most folks.

In these nearly ten years serving beside my husband, I have learned the good, bad, and ugly about how churches run and the people in them. I’ve also discovered some encouraging and disappointing things about myself. Overall, it has been a wonderful experience because I’ve always believed we are walking in obedience to God. However, more knowledge in the beginning about being a pastor’s wife would have been appreciated.

Whether you are a ministry wife or a church member, I think this list can be instructive and helpful. Let’s jump in!

I Wish I Had Known These 6 Things Before Becoming A Pastor’s Wife

1. There’s No Job Description

All right, technically, pastor’s wife isn’t a job. At the same time, though, church members often have fairly clear ideas about what the pastor’s wife should be doing as if they were employing her. I’ve spoken often of this because my church has been so reasonable on this subject. My “job” is to be a wife, mother, and born-again Christian who serves as God calls me to in our church. Well, amen!

Honestly, the other two churches my husband pastored at treated me the same way. It’s a wonderful freedom to have a church that understands becoming a pastor’s wife doesn’t mean I have a new job. However, not all churches see it this way. Actually, even in churches with this mindset about pastors’ wives, some individual members have their own set of expectations.

Because everyone has their own ideas about what a pastor’s wife should do, I have noticed it’s impossible to make everyone happy. Let’s imagine your church is hosting an event with a program and a meal. You won’t be able to be everywhere, so you’ll need to choose in which capacity to serve. After a great deal of thought, prayer, and discussion with your husband, you make your decision. Just know this. You made the wrong one.

Always Wrong

Did you choose to work in the kitchen? Someone will think you’re hiding away when you should be representing the church with your husband. Oh, you decided to mingle and meet people? Certainly, a member will think you don’t take ladies’ ministry seriously because you aren’t in the kitchen. Perhaps you ended up being pulled aside by someone who is struggling which made you unable to do anything you had planned. Well, poorly done, my friend. A couple of folks from church feel that you’ve ignored them because you spent so much time speaking to someone else (who they didn’t know was in crisis). Why can’t you just get this right?

It won’t matter what you do as a ministry wife. Without clearly defined expectations you are free – free to be wrong in someone’s eyes all the time. You’ll wear too much makeup or not enough. You won’t lead strongly enough or you’ll be too bossy. Some will view you as too docile while others will believe you speak too boldly for a woman. Not too long after becoming a pastor’s wife, I made the most important decision I’ve made so far in ministry. I don’t care what people want.

My Real Job Description

I’m sort of lying to you because I care a lot, kind of. It’s complicated. I want everyone to like me and not have bad feelings about me. Doesn’t everybody feel that way? On the other hand, I try to keep my mental and emotional energy about expectations at a minimum. Instead, I aim to live obediently to Him, and I put my family’s needs before the church’s.

Being a faithful Christian and godly wife and mother is my real job description. Those things have been my duty all along, and becoming a pastor’s wife didn’t change that. And a great church will tell its pastor’s wife that those are its expectations of her, as well. 

2. God Was Preparing Me All Along

As I make clear in my testimony of salvation, I was not on the pastor’s wife track. On this side of salvation, it’s still so odd to me to meet women who are praying to become a pastor’s wife or who dreamed of that life as children. Like, who are these women?! I had hopes and dreams of performing on SNL or being the next Lucille Ball. I simply didn’t know godly women who hoped to live a humble life of service.

I’ve always been a proponent of the “fake it until to make it” approach to life. Essentially, act like you know what you’re doing and give it your best shot. When my husband became a pastor, that was how I got by. I faked it. Something came to my attention early on, though, that surprised me. I didn’t actually feel like I was faking it. It turns out that my pre-Christ life experience, education, emotional baggage, adult conversion, ministry experience, and discipleship had all been preparation for becoming a pastor’s wife. Though, also a bit of oddball.

I may have been shocked at becoming a pastor’s wife, but God already knew what was in store for me from the beginning. My entire life led me to this point, and God has not forsaken me as my husband and I entered full-time ministry life.

For all of us, we are our own worst enemies in ministry. We doubt ourselves, and though we might not say it, we doubt God, too. We wonder if He made a mistake by allowing us to be in ministry. Also, we inevitably face days in which we “know” we can’t handle any more. But we can because God has prepared us, and even in our weakness, He’s sufficient.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

No matter what faces you in ministry, God has prepared you and continues to give you the grace you need. Lean into the truth that God is enough and is your strength in every situation.

3. Pastors’ Wives Need Mentors

Becoming a pastor’s wife doesn’t mean you are destined to isolation and loneliness. Ministry wives need friends and connection in and outside of the church. We also need older, wiser women to come alongside us and teach us.

It’s not as if becoming a pastor’s wife suddenly makes a woman all-knowing in all things. We’re still a work in progress just like everyone else. Who should we turn to, though?

It can be tricky finding trustworthy women with whom to be vulnerable and authentic. Strong women of faith are out there; We just need to look. In the last few years I’ve found that connecting to other ministry wives has been tantamount to connecting with long lost family. They’ve walked where I’m walking, and they’ve seen and heard things that have challenged their faith and strengthened it. These women have gone to spiritual battle and returned with wisdom to share. Well, I’m here for it! Pastors’ wives need each other.

Whether or not the mentors in your life are ministry wives, reach out to someone. You don’t need to go at this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t. Believers are meant to exist in community, serving one another. Allow someone to serve you.

4. Pastors’ Wives Can Be Toxic

Remember I said pastors’ wives need each other? Keep in mind that not all pastors’ wives are the same. I’m thankful to say I haven’t met many women in ministry that came across as toxic or ungodly, but that doesn’t mean these women don’t exist.

Some women are manipulative and power hungry. I can only assume they sought out a pastor for a husband in order to be in charge of a church. Frequently, toxic pastors’ wives will pass harsh judgment on members of the church concerning only the most “important issues” for Christians (note sarcasm): hairstyle, volunteerism, the scandal of women in pants, potluck food, etc.

I knew a woman who was literally told her infant daughter had to wear dresses to church in order for the mother to be in good standing. For the record, all of mine have made appearances at church in whatever was clean enough to wear that day at that age. The pastor’s wife took this sort of thing seriously, and she made it known.

Why share this? I’m not trying to put down pastors’ wives, but I want us all to see them realistically. Some are in deep need of repentance while others have been hurt (often from ministry) and the pain has come out sinfully. They’re human, and it would be best to remember that.

The words, “I’m the pastor’s wife” don’t automatically signify a trustworthy or spiritually minded woman.

5. Ministry Has No Off Switch

I lived with very defined boundaries as a social worker. When my contractual day was over, I was done. Exceptions for emergencies existed, but I didn’t make exceptions a habit. I worked to live, not the other way around. That mindset doesn’t work in ministry.

People have needs all day every day, therefore, my husband is on-call all day every day, too. We try to live with a reasonable set of boundaries, but there really isn’t any true “off” in our lives. Even when we have time meant for other things, we end up talking about church or working on something for church. Fact: There is always something to work on.

Finding a way to regularly disengage from ministry and attend to our family has consistently been a struggle for us. Being a ministry family isn’t a job, it’s a lifestyle that changes everything. To be frank, becoming a pastor’s wife meant making sacrifices I didn’t foresee or feel ready for. The Lord has given me what I need, though, and I am honestly happy to live this life. God has shown me what I thought would be a disaster was actually the best thing for my family.

6. I Don’t Have An Extra Dose Of Spirituality

How cool would it be to be the most spiritual person in every room? I hoped I would be especially spiritual when my husband became a pastor. I guess I was thinking of cartoons and movies in which a “chosen one” is handed a special item, and a burst of air and light encompasses him/her. The special gifting and purpose have been unlocked, and this person can now effortlessly complete the mission at hand.

My husband’s ordination was special, but it wasn’t unlock-the-next-level-of-life special. I was still me. “Uh oh,” I thought, “that can’t be good.” It turns out that becoming a pastor’s wife is the same as becoming the wife of any other man in any other profession. I was married to a pastor. The end. There was no cheat code to becoming the pastor’s wife I wanted to be. I was going to have to obey the Lord, study the Word, and grow in my faith like everyone else. Bummer.

Of all the things I’ve learned along the way, this may be the lesson I wish more people would internalize. Perhaps church members would have less expectations of their pastors’ wives if they remembered these women are just women. They need our prayers more than our demands.

Final Thought

If I had to sum up all six things I wish I had known before becoming a pastor’s wife, it would be this thought: Pastors’ wives are unique and flawed individuals just trying to balance ministry and family while meeting the conflicting expectations of everyone around them. Whew! That’s a mouthful! Suffice it to say, being married to the pastor comes with some extra challenges and, thankfully, blessings.

Pastors’ wives, don’t be an island, and remember why you and your husband chose this life. To serve God. Church members, don’t be the reason a ministry family suffers from burnout or experiences ministry as a cross to bear. Pray for your pastor, but don’t forget his wife. She needs your prayers and kindness, too. A great deal of what her husband does in full view of the congregation is because of what she does behind the scenes.

What have you learned about pastors’ wives or ministry life, in general, that surprised you?

Image courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash.