Wives, Submit To Your Husbands

I’m not sure if any word in the Bible has become more despised by women than submit, and I think I understand their objection. Because I was not saved until my mid-twenties , I fully embraced all the modern feminist views churned out of public schools, universities, and the entertainment industry. Submission, as far as I understood it, was an act of violence acted upon women by misogynistic conservative men.

After I became a Christian, I realized the world had been selling me lies. Biblical submission in marriage is part of God’s beautiful design, and it’s meant for my good. It’s meant for your good, too.

Submission Is Not Abuse

I’m just going to say this really offensive thing, and then we can move on. Some women are overly dramatic. Everything is abuse in their eyes. I hear it in conversations and read it in online chats frequently. A woman will complain to some girlfriends about her marriage, and somewhere along the line the word abuse gets thrown out there.

He works long hours? Abuse. He doesn’t help with housework? Abuse. He handles the money and insists on a budget? Abuse. Sounds fake, right? These are real life examples! Things we don’t like do not equate to abuse. That’s not the standard.

These dramatic attempts to vilify a husband are likely meant to justify the woman’s past or impending sin. She might want to leave, or she might want to overtly act against her husband’s explicitly stated instructions. Whatever her motive, she is making a mockery of real abuse victims.

Abuse Is Real

We live in a fallen world that is filled with sin. Some men (and women) abuse their spouses, and they may even use the Bible as a tool against their victims. Anyone who says otherwise is a fool or lying. We all know this is true, but does the behavior of a few dictate that we ignore God’s Word concerning submission? No! That’s a ridiculous idea.

God and His Word have not failed us in cases of abuse. People have failed us. Sin has harmed us. We submit even though some husbands will use submission as a license to abuse. However, we do not submit to abuse. Do you understand the distinction? No one, husband or not, has the right to commit abuses upon you.

Abuse Is Not Biblical

The Bible says a woman should submit to her husband in Ephesians 5:22-24, but verses 25-28 instruct the husband on his responsibility.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” (Emphasis mine)

Ephesians 5:22-28

Where do we see “treat her like garbage?” Did you find the command to “slap her around a bit” when she talks back? Me neither. Our husbands are held to an impossible standard of love that only Jesus could ever fully achieve. There’s no room for abuse there. Abuse simply does not reflect the love, redemption, and position we have in Christ. Even unbelievers are created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and deserve respect and care.

If you are being abused, leave. Find a safe place to go and call 911. If it’s not an emergency situation call the National Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. They can help. Submission never means abuse. You aren’t being a godly wife when you let him abuse you, and finding safety isn’t a sin.

Wives Are Not Doormats

Putting aside abuse, let’s look at submission in light of “the doormat argument.” That is what I call the accusation some people make against men which claims that husbands want women to be submissive because they can treat their wives like doormats. Men who use the Bible as an excuse to treat anyone poorly are in the wrong.

Women are not inferior to men, and they are fully capable of discerning the will of God. The danger with the doormat mindset is husbands may impose their will rather than God’s will on their wives and children. A wife that acts as a doormat will not challenger her husband and help him see things in new ways. Marriage is teamwork, and together, they will live this life and serve God. Together.

Submission Is Not Agreement

I love when my husband, Chris, and I agree. It makes everything so much easier. But what if I don’t agree with him? In order to be submissive, must I always agree with him? Thankfully, no. I’m my own person with my own mind. My identity and mind don’t go away because I am a wife. This is great news for our marriage because Chris asks for my thoughts and opinions on things frequently. (I think he asks. Hmmm. Maybe I’m just telling him, but he listens either way.)

A healthy marriage will have its fair share of disagreement across all areas of life. Disagreements can span pizza toppings all the way to significant parenting decisions. Our role, wives, is to respectfully listen to his viewpoint and then respectfully share our thoughts. Yes, respectfully needed to be used twice. Good husbands will listen, discuss, and truly consider what you said. Ultimately, though, he may decide against your preference. What then?

Trust God, and let your husband lead. This is sometimes the hardest part of being married. You might think you know better, but more often than not you should submit to him on that issue.

Submission Doesn’t Permit Sin

So, your husband wants to cheat on your taxes. You know that’s stealing and lying, therefore, you tell him ‘no.’ He explains he is the head of your household, and you are commanded to submit. A lot of women, sadly, acquiesce in these situations. That’s not submission; It’s sin.

“This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.”

1 John 1:5

As the above verse tells us, sin is contrary to the Lord. Understanding the character of God, we know that He would never condone sin. He would never command us to do anything that would make us sin.

James 4:7 instructs us all, not just women, to submit to God. The relationship with the Lord is the primary one in any Christian’s life. He is the One we submit to first and foremost. If your husband wants you to disobey the Lord to submit to him, he’s wrong. Don’t you do it.

Let’s Define Submission

I’ve told you a lot of things submission is not, but how about we look at what it really is? The word submit is translated from the Greek word hupotasso. This word has a lengthy list of ways to define it. Often, it is defined as a military term meaning “ranked under.” Submission, therefore, is about position rather than value, as some would argue. Additionally, hupotasso suggests an ongoing attitude and way of living.

Submission is done willingly by a wife. This has nothing to do with a woman’s abilities and skills. She isn’t less than her husband. Instead, she is a strong woman who understands the role she has in her home. Ephesians 5:22-24 does not tell us that women must submit to all men which might, in fact, suggest women are inferior. Instead, women are told to submit to their own husbands. This is a marriage issue, not a men against women debate.

Why The Wife Submits

If you want the short answer for why wives must submit, then it’s because God said so. We can look closer, though, because that answer likely left no one convinced. Let’s start at the beginning…literally. In Genesis we learn that God created Adam first. Then, “…the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18).

We, ladies, were created, in part, to be our husbands’ helpers. As married women, that is a primary role in our lives. As we already discussed, James 4:7 instructs us to submit to God. Well, He set up the dynamics of marriage, and to submit to God we need to submit to our husbands.

In Matthew 22, a lawyer asks Jesus which commandment is the greatest. Jesus’ response was, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment (v.37-38). When we cringe at submission and refuse to obey God’s instructions, are we loving Him with all our heart, soul, and mind? I think we are loving ourselves instead. We submit because we love the Lord most.

Finally, some women are married to men who have rejected God. These men are in need of the Savior. First Peter 3:1-4 encourages wives to submit to their husbands because this godly character displayed in submission may win their husbands over to the gospel. I have personally known women in this situation, and their meek, quiet, and submissive nature softened their husbands’ hearts. Eventually, those men were open to the gospel and accepted Jesus Christ. Amen!

What About Husbands?

Feminists would have you believe that husbands are living the high life. According to these women, men have no responsibilities to their wives. Um, if that’s the case, don’t tell my husband because I love to quote Ephesians 5:25 to him. Just as a reminder, you know? It sounds easy at first listen. “Love me? Well, of course, you get the easy one!”

The problem is that we are not so easy to love sometimes. But, oh, that’s not all. Our husbands have to love us like Jesus loves His bride, the Church! Let that stew a minute. Do you get the depth of that? What did Christ do for us out of love? Yeah, His love led Him to that horrific scourging, that long and shameful walk carrying the cross, the torture of the crucifixion, the mockery, the pain of sin, and death.

How much does your husband love his own body? I don’t mean that in a negative way. Ephesians 5:28 says he should love you like he loves himself. We all love our bodies enough to take care of them and protect ourselves from harm. Some of you, not so much me, work out and eat healthy on a regular basis just to keep that body in tip top shape. Your husbands should have at least that level of care and concern for you, too. It’s a tall order for husbands, and we shouldn’t forget the high bar God set for them.

He Submits, Too

Just as a quick side, husbands submit, too. We are all supposed to submit to God, of course. Additionally, Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” We are all to submit on some level to each other. That’s another conversation, and I’m already running long. But just keep in mind that we see again that husbands have no permission to steamroll their wives or bully them. Please, don’t buy into that lie the world is telling.

What Submission Looks Like

Close your eyes and imagine a family with a wife who submits to her husband. Let an image of that scenario come into focus. What does this look like? For many, the image is that of a 1950’s American housewife. You know the image. She has perfect hair and makeup, a flawless house dress, a tidy home, and slippers and a pipe are ready and waiting when her husband returns from work. Her entire evening is spent in service to her husband, and he reads a paper and talks to her like a child. Truly, this is what so many women think submission is all about.

Don’t let stereotypes and socials norms of yesteryear dictate your home and how your relationship with your husband operates. Besides, God could not have meant 1950’s America as the be-all and end-all example of submission. If He did mean that, then I suppose Christian women in Ghana, Egypt, India, Russia, China, and all over the rest of the planet are not really submitting to their husbands because TV dinners and pipes don’t come into play. Do you get what I’m saying here? Submission has a context. Different husbands have different expectations on how submission looks. As will different cultures. But we know it when we see it because women get red-hot-angry when they see it.

Submission Is Not Your Natural State Of Being

Women don’t want to submit. I think we can all agree on that. But why? Because it isn’t what our flesh wants! Think about Eve. One of her earliest mentions in the Bible has her, not submitting to God and her husband, but giving into temptation and committing sin (Genesis 3:6).

Several verses later we see the curse and its affect on wives.

“Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

Genesis 3:16

The King James can be confusing at times, but the last half of the Scripture here means that wives will desire to rule over their husbands However, God has placed them in authority over us, instead. My first reaction to that was, “That is so condescending! I’m not like that.” About five seconds later I admitted to myself that I absolutely lean toward being bossy with my husband. I bet you are, as well. Or, at least, would be if you didn’t keep it in check.

Do you know why I want to be in charge? Well, there’s loads of reasons, and some have to do with my emotional baggage. But…a big reason I have the urge to take charge is because I think I know best. My husband would probably tell you I do know best most of the time. He loves me, though, so we can’t take that too seriously. If I see a potential for him to fail or make a big mistake, then I want to intervene. However, God might be planning on that failure, and my interference will only add contention to my marital relationship, as well. Failure, loss, and mistakes often lead to big moments of growth and increases of faith. Why can’t we allow that? Plus, maybe we’re not right this one and only time.

The Ultimate Example Of Submission

“It’s not fair I have to submit to my husband.” That’s the thought I have in those very rare moments when my husband makes it clear he isn’t budging. Honestly, it probably is totally fair, but pretend for a moment that it isn’t. What do I have on “not fair” when I think of Jesus and His submission?

“Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Luke 22:42-44

Jesus knew what was next for Him. He was aware of the horrors before Him, and He prayed to the Father that He wouldn’t have to go to the cross. As we know, though, it was the Father’s will, and Jesus readily accepted it and submitted to Him.

Jesus answered to the Father. Do you, on the other hand, answer to no one? Are you somehow above and beyond the scope of God’s commands and design for marriage? Do you know better than God how best to have a healthy and Christ-centered marriage? You don’t. No one does.

Final Thought

The culture today is focused on power struggle. Racial minorities are encouraged to tear down the racial majority. LGBTQ+ individuals are indoctrinating school children to gain more control and support for their cause. More power. And women no longer want equality with men in the workplace, with pay, and opportunities at material success. They essentially want to be men. “The future is female.” Women are trying to eliminate every possible need for men they can, let alone embracing the idea of submitting to a man’s headship in marriage. This. Is. Folly.

God designed marriage this way. If you don’t like it, then don’t get married. I say that to be tongue in cheek, but actually, maybe women should not marry until they can come to terms with who they are in Christ. Marriage isn’t meant to be a power struggle. Husband leads his wife with love and care. Wife respectfully submits to his headship. They are one flesh (Genesis 2:24) and joined together in Christ.

It’s beautiful! But sin. Sin has marred the beautiful relationship that is found in marriage, but that doesn’t mean we throw out the design because it’s difficult. We pray. We forgive. And we remember:

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Galatians 3:28

So, stop making this about a power struggle, misogyny, or the supposed archaic patriarchy of white man’s religion. We are equal in Christ, fulfilling our roles and serving the One True God.

What is your experience with biblical submission? Do you agree with me?

Image courtesy of Jeremy Wong Weddings via Unsplash.