What I Wish I Had Known Before Reaching Middle Age

I turned forty-four years old this month. That feels so weird to say because I thought I wouldn’t survive my twenties. When I was growing up, all the cool celebrities seemed to die before turning thirty, and for whatever reason, I assumed I had the same future…minus the fame. Beyond my teenage delusions, being in my mid-forties sounds weird because it sounds old, y’all. Despite coming to acknowledge that I’m on a steep drop to decrepit, there is a silver lining. I am much more comfortable being myself than ever before, and I just understand life so much better. Too bad I’m only getting to this point now. There is so much I wish I had known before reaching middle age.

Maybe Life Would Have Been Easier If…

Life is one big ol’ learning curve, you know? I don’t know what I’m doing half most of the time. I keep seeing videos on social media recently that feature a middle-aged person dancing around to music and the screen always says something like, “In charge of a household but really just a 40-year-old teenager.” Yes! Yet, my fellow grown-up teenagers and I have figured out how to – technically – be adults. Nonetheless, I could have saved myself a whole lot of grief had I known some embarrassingly simple things. So, what have I learned that I wish I had known before reaching middle age? A lot.

I won’t share all my secrets. You need to learn some things the hard way, too. I don’t make the rules; that’s just life. I’ll share some of the big lessons, though.

Things I Wish I Had Known Before Reaching Middle Age

My Parents Are Just People

Most of us have had that moment with our parents (or guardians). Something triggers a switch in our minds and it’s suddenly clear. These people are just…people. When we’re little, we see parents as indestructible. Dad’s a superhero. (“My dad can beat up your dad.”) Mom is the ideal woman, and her homemade cookies are the best.

Eventually, they do or say something that merits a flag on the play. We question everything, and if we’re foolish, we disregard everything good that has come from them because it turns out they’re just as flawed and sinful as everyone else.

That’s the wrong move, though. My parents racked up quite a few mistakes and doled out a great deal of hurt. Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend looking to them for any parenting or marriage advice. On the other hand, it wasn’t all bad, and through them, I learned that my expectations should be realistic for everyone.

Expecting anyone to be above the rest of us is a recipe for failure, and it’s no way to love those around me. It’s no secret that my family is “complicated,” and most of that wasn’t my fault in any way shape or form. But what kind of love did I offer when I set the bar impossibly high for my mom and dad? I messed that up, but now I carry that lesson with me a little later than I would have liked to learn it.

Not Everyone Will Like You…And That’s O.K.

Will my people pleasers please raise their hands? You know who you are. And I bet you’re running yourselves into the ground trying to make everyone else happy.

There are few feelings that are worse to me than knowing someone doesn’t like me. I mean, this person actively dislikes me. That can consume me with schemes to win her over. But why? Does everyone need to like me? That desire feels like pride. Perhaps it isn’t in others’ lives, but I think pride might be setting the stage for me to need to be seen in a particular way. So, for me, the real question is, “Do I actually need everyone to like me?” No. It’s not a real need, and it doesn’t make sense as a Christian. In the Beatitudes, Jesus says the following:

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”

Luke 6:27-28

Hmm. That doesn’t sound like a call to make all the people of the world like you, does it? Rather, it sounds like having enemies and people who would do you wrong is a given. Expect it and handle it in a biblical way. Easy peasy. Well, not easy to do, but the teaching is clear. In case you missed it, though, here’s one more clear section of Scripture.

“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Romans 12:17-21

Do good, but that good will also be toward your enemies. You know…the people who don’t like you.

Before Reaching Middle Age, You Must Grasp This

I can’t believe I need to quote a cartoon, but here we go. Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty says one of the most profound truths of our modern age. I might be overselling this. In the episode (season 4, episode 3), he is saying something unpopular yet true, and the crowd boos. His response is the ultimate mic drop.

“Your boos mean nothing, I’ve seen what makes you cheer.”

Rick Sanchez, Rick and Morty

Friends, sometimes we shouldn’t want people to like us. I should be a pebble in some people’s shoe because I follow after Christ. Before I was a Christian, I definitely found most Christians annoying and bothersome. They did nothing wrong. I just didn’t like what they believed. My problem was with Jesus.

Love Jesus. Live each day with a mind and heart set on serving Him. Be kind to others. And then let the chips fall where they may.

Who You Choose To Marry Matters So Much

My first long-term boyfriend was tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. He was incredibly intelligent and, as a rule, people really liked him. At the wise age of nineteen, I knew we’d get married someday. Of course, I was overlooking his marijuana habit, selfishness, and the fact that he didn’t respect me all that much. Not to mention, he didn’t seem to feel the same way about me.

Our marriage would have been a disaster. When I finally walked away from that relationship, I was clearly seeing who this man was as a partner. I’m sure he’s the right match to someone, but we didn’t make sense. For too long, I only saw what I wanted to see, and I completely ignored how a union with him would impact my future.

You’ve seen the aftermath of a bad marriage decision, haven’t you? A woman thinks her man is going to grow into his faith, but he pulls away from the Lord instead. A guy chooses a wife who has a reputation but can’t resist her beauty. Fifteen years later she has the kids, half his money, and a new boyfriend.

The Bible Tells Us What To Look For

There is no step-by-step guide to finding a spouse, but there are some guideposts in God’s Word. What should husbands and wives be like? Well, here are a few biblical examples.

“House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.”

Proverbs 19:14

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

Colossians 3:18

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Proverbs 31:30

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

Colossians 3:19

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Ephesians 5:25-28

(Want to read more about what to look for in a husband? Click HERE.)

Just For The Record…

I’m writing about marriage in a post about things I wish I had known before reaching middle age. So, am I saying that I got it wrong at twenty-six? No, I didn’t. However, I need to be completely transparent. I think God protected me from my own ignorance in this area. My husband is patient, honest, teachable, gentle, funny, godly, etc. He’s also a good provider and super cute, too! When we decided to marry, though, I didn’t give a whole lot of thought to those things. I just loved him so much.

All’s well that ends well, I guess. I’m happy to be his wife and live this life with him, but I should have been more thoughtful about marriage. Praise God for knowing who is best for me!

You Need Friends

Canceled plans. An entire day in my pajamas drinking various delicious drinks (aka: coffee) while I sit on my couch watching my favorite comfort shows on a rainy day. Going to the grocery store without running into anyone I know. I really do love being alone, but that’s not the best way to live all the time.

The Bible has plenty to say about fellowship with other believers.

Believers ought to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:11), help each other grow in their knowledge of the Lord – iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17), bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), meet together (Hebrews 10:24), love one another (John 13:34, 1 Peter 1:22), forgive one another (Colossians 3:13), and pray for one another (James 5:16). If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to study the “one anothers” in the Bible.

I can introvert with the best of them, but after years as a housewife who homeschooled her children with no community, I can say from experience that having people who really know you and love you is life changing. It took years to find my people, and I’m thankful to have found them because I’m better for having them. I can only pray I’m a positive addition to their lives, as well.

There Is A Way To Serve God In Every Season Of Life

With my “baby” being nine years old now, I have a lot more flexibility in my schedule for ministry. Diapers, naps, and nursing schedules are a thing of the past. If I can’t make it home in time to put dinner in the oven, I have kids who can take care of it for me. I won’t li. It’s the best!

I have regrets, though, about how I’ve seen my ability to serve in the past. I treated being a mother of Littles like being benched during the game. For far too long, I lived as if God couldn’t use me in His Church while I raised my kids. Eventually, as my confidence as a mother grew, I moved away from that line of thinking. However, it has been in watching other young mothers continue to serve with their children alongside them that this truth has been made clear to me. There is always a way to serve the Lord. Always.

Don’t Let Fear Of Failure Stop You From Trying Things

As I look over the more than four decades I’ve lived so far, I see a noticeable pattern. Fear. To be more specific, I’ve always been afraid to try things I’m not confident I’ll be good at quickly. I have rarely tried things I wanted to do because I was afraid of failure and then looking dumb to onlookers.

Let me give a short example. I decided to audition for the role of the narrator in my school’s fall play. I had never acted before, aside from being a bit dramatic in real life, but it was something I had always wanted to do. After the audition, I was one of two people called back to audition again for the role. Success! I was so scared to look at the final casting sheet that I made my friend check for me. My name wasn’t there.

I never tried out for a play again. It didn’t matter that I had done well enough to be called back. The praise and encouragement I received from the juniors and seniors at auditions had all but disappeared from my memory. And the fact that this was my first attempt meant nothing to me. “Never again.”

You guys, what a bummer. I think I would have had so much fun being a part of the school theater, but I robbed myself of that experience because I was too afraid to put myself out there again. It has taken decades for me to even begin to try things I’m fairly certain I won’t excel at immediately. Years of avoidance and fear, and do you know what I’ve discovered? It doesn’t matter. No one’s keeping score, and most people are very encouraging when you want to step outside your comfort zone.

I wish I had known this before reaching middle age because I have short-changed myself, and I’ve avoided ministries that God may have been able to use me in just because I let pride and fear get in the way. Maybe this is my I-don’t-care-what-you-think era, or maybe I’ve matured a little. Either way, listen to a partially reformed coward. Go ahead and look silly and be a little embarrassed. You might find you’re glad you went for it.

Final Thought

I don’t love getting older. As the years tick away, I feel some sadness for the years I feel I’ve wasted. Hindsight is 20/20, though. Most of us would do some things from our past better if we could. Well, I can’t time travel, but maybe some of you younger ladies can learn from the lessons it took me decades too long to learn. Life is serious business, but the things we’re losing sleep over are often not the things we need to spend time thinking about. The hurts we nurse are often not as damaging as we think. And our relationships are usually more important than we realize at the time. Ask some ladies what they would have liked to have known earlier. I think you’ll be surprised at what your hear.

So, what do you wish you had known when you were younger?

Image courtesy of Caterina Berger via Unsplash.