What I Wish I Had Known Before Getting Married

As I write this, I have been married for over thirteen years. Overall, my marriage is a happy one. My husband, Chris, is my best friend, and he makes my life better in every way. If I’m totally transparent, I have to admit that most of the time being married to my husband feels effortless and natural. However, not everything has been a breeze. We have faced challenges just the same as everyone else. I’m confident some issues we have dealt with wouldn’t have been issues at all if I had prepared more for marriage. There are definitely some things I wish I had known before getting married.

We Didn’t Think Ahead Before Getting Married (The Background Information)

For such an uptight person, I have made some big decisions with very little preparation. When it came to choosing which university I would attend and what I would study, I spent about twenty minutes in moderate contemplation. I decided to get pregnant with a “why not” attitude. Permanently quitting my job as a school social worker was as simple as saying it out loud and liking how it sounded. So, it should come as no surprise when I admit that I decided to marry my husband quickly and without a whole lot of forethought.

Chris and I knew we loved each other, believed God had brought us together, genuinely liked each other, and we longed to spend our lives together. Given all that, we assumed our marriage would just simply work out.

We didn’t exactly rush into marriage, but it was a fairly hasty decision. After a year together, Chris broke up with me because he had gotten saved, and I wanted nothing to do with Christianity. (My testimony tells more of that story.) We reconnected after a year of separation, and I was saved not long after. We were engaged one month after my born-again experience and married exactly two months after getting engaged.

A lot of changes happened fast, and all I was thinking about was the here and now. The future was this vague thing I knew lay ahead but wasn’t concerned with while rushing to the altar. It would have been wiser to have more of a heads-up about potential speed bumps in marriage and walk in prepared for challenges. Maybe these things I wish I had known before getting married will be a help to you. I know they would have helped me!

10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before Getting Married

1. Kids Will Change Everything

My husband and I exchanged vows in August of 2009, and I was pregnant by October. To our great disappointment and sadness, that pregnancy ended in an early loss. However, we were expecting again in December. Pregnancy, babies, and breastfeeding were a constant part of our marriage for nine years. As of today, we have spent twice as much time married in that season than out of it.

Children have been a tremendous blessing in our lives, and I’m not surprised because God says as much (Psalm 127:3). On the other hand, they have added countless sleepless nights, tears, worries, stress, and unanticipated areas of disagreement between my husband and me. Without kids, there are undoubtedly conversations and disagreements we never would have had. But we would have missed growth opportunities and sanctifying challenges, as well. Plus, our kiddos are super cute!

Would I do things differently now that I see what having five children back-to-back is like? No, I stand by our approach, but I wish I had walked into motherhood with a more realistic picture of parenting. Priorities shift, attention is divided, and energy is drained in those early years. Without open communication, flexibility, and an abundance of grace, children can seriously negatively impact a marriage. Please, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not blaming the kids in those circumstances. The parents are responsible for nurturing their marriage, not the kids. Before getting married, though, I wish I had known just how much nurturing it could take.  

2. It’s Hard To Talk About Some Things

Some people will talk to anyone about anything. Others can only speak openly with those closest to them. Then again, there are some people who can easily share themselves with others as long as the others don’t include their spouse.

It seems silly, but although Chris is my best friend, I have found some things hard to discuss with him. Was he judgmental? Did he have a history of putting me down when I opened up to him? No and no. He’s supportive, encouraging, and honest. What a monster, right?

For whatever reason, some of us struggle with vulnerability, and there is no one on Earth a wife is more vulnerable with than her husband. He knows things about her she keeps behind closed doors. He has seen her at her weakest and most insecure. Some men, my husband included, have even helped deliver their own babies. Privacy and decorum don’t really apply, I suppose…

Open communication is so essential in every marriage, so this hesitancy to broach certain topics can only hurt the relationship. Don’t be like me. Take a deep breath and speak up. It’ll be good for you both.

3. Sex Won’t Always Be Effortless

I think we all know that marriage will bring disagreements about money, extended family, and children, but many couples are shocked to discover that sex becomes a potential area of contention.

Before I begin, I know there are couples who don’t struggle in this area, but many (maybe most) will go through some season of challenge. “Like what?” you might ask. Well, do you remember how I told you kids will change everything? This is a part of everything.

Exhaustion increases, opportunities to connect decrease, and both partners are faced with new stresses that can really kill the mood. Spit-up, vomit, diapers, clutter, and constant touches from children can be a mood killer, too.

Additionally, couples sometimes discover that one person needs less physical intimacy than the other, and schedules can cause conflict. Self-esteem is another libido buster. (Carrying extra baby weight and smelling like a Diaper Genie isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac.)

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that sometimes we bring in sexual trauma, guilt from sexual sin, pornography habits, and bad teachings on sex that can make connecting sexually much more difficult than it should be.

Bottom line? A satisfying sex life can require difficult conversations, compromise, trial and error, patience, understanding, and a purposeful prioritization of physical intimacy. Any couple is off to a better start when they know this before getting married.

4. Taking Him For Granted Is Easy

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. We promise we will be together through wealth, poverty, sickness, health, the good, and the bad. We assume our husband will always be there for us no matter what. And of course, he should be. We can take that promise, though, and use it to allow ourselves to take our husband for granted.

This is ultimately just laziness. For example, my husband has been working all day and taking on extra tasks for me. So, besides his work, Chris taught P.E. while I worked out with friends, took our two youngest to swim lessons while I worked on my blog post, and made dinner for the kids while I attended a ladies Bible study meeting.

Sure, it is reasonable to expect my husband to be a team player in our family. At the same time, he has given up a great deal of his time to work so that I can do things for me… He loves me and is happy to give me the freedom to do these things. What a guy!

Sadly, my response is not always, “Thank you.” I just expect it at this point because he offers it so freely. My assumption is he will do those things, and eventually that leads to believing he should do those things. That mindset doesn’t breed thankfulness.

Over time, treating my husband like I am not thankful for him and the things he does around the house is going to hurt him. He’ll feel unappreciated and unloved. Ladies, how many of us feel that way on a regular basis? Our kids and husbands make us feel like hired help. Another dinner goes on the table without a word of appreciation. The laundry gets washed and folded again, but nobody seems to notice…unless you don’t do it.

We need to continue to demonstrate love and thankfulness in those simple daily tasks. I wish I had known before getting married how easy it would be to take my husband for granted, and I’m still working on it.

5. Issues From The Past Will Pop Up

We marry our partner and their baggage when we say, “I do.” Don’t be fooled. You don’t know everything there is to know about your husband. Frankly, he doesn’t know everything there is know about himself.

Marriage has a way, much like parenthood, of bringing out our weaknesses and flaws. Thought you were patient? Believed you weren’t selfish? Hmmm, that’s cute. You were wrong, friend. We were all wrong.

In addition to character flaws, we can find out we have more damage from our history than we know. Sexual abuse survivors might struggle with intimacy. Someone who was cheated on may discover trust issues. You know what I’m saying, right?

I realized a few years into marriage that my family didn’t resolve problems, and when my parents finally addressed their issues, the answer was divorce. So, when my husband and I would have arguments or he seemed mad at me, I would shut down in fear that our marriage was over. I didn’t have experience with working through things because we had committed to our relationship, and I have had to learn from Chris what healthy communication and disagreement should look like. I’m sure he didn’t see that coming.

Before getting married, we think we know what we’re getting into. Meanwhile, unearthed baggage is possibly lurking under the surface.

6. Marriage Isn’t Going To Fix You

A lot of us feel like a better person when we are with our husband. How many times have you heard someone say her significant other brings out her best? I’ve definitely said it about my husband. I’m a better person due, in part, to him. On the other hand, he hasn’t “fixed” me.

The brokenness, hurts, flaws, etc. that we have the day before our wedding are still there the day after our wedding. Being married doesn’t fix anything. Rather, you have your mess and your husband’s mess under one roof now. So, there’s more work to do, but you do have each other to lean on as you work.

Cinderella, Snow White, and Ariel essentially rode off into the sunset toward their “happily ever after.” Everything was fixed! Huzzah! I don’t buy it, though. You can’t convince me that Cinderella doesn’t struggle with bitterness toward her stepfamily, that Snow White isn’t afraid that people aren’t who they say they are, and that Ariel doesn’t continue to have a hoarding collecting problem …

We bring the things that need fixing with us into marriage. Consider what that might be before getting married and be prepared to deal with it. That ring on your finger won’t magically make it all go away.

7. We Won’t Agree On Everything

Chris and I were in constant agreement when we dated, and he supported everything I said during our short engagement. We were of one mind until we weren’t. Living with someone and having their input in every facet of your life will provide plenty of opportunities to disagree. Thankfully, most disagreements don’t have to be significant.

Compromise. This is key. Also, consider how much you care about the things you are disagreeing about. Is paint color or a grocery budget worth an argument? It might be to you, but remember that everything can’t be worth the fight. Choose carefully.

Lastly, don’t hesitate to seek godly council if the disagreement is major. Example of big disagreements might be when to have kids, where to live, which church to attend, or whether or not to homeschool.

8. Marriage Has A Transition Period

Not all of us walk into marriage ready to be the perfect wife. Thirteen years later and I’m still learning how to be a wife. Let me share a quick story. It’s funny…kind of.

We had a beautiful wedding and luncheon on a sunny August day. Soon after the luncheon, we changed into regular clothes and drove away to our honeymoon cabin. The entire day was perfect, but I woke up in a state of panic the next day. The realization that I actually got married had sunk in. “What if I want to break up?” I thought. “I need my space.”

I kept these feelings to myself and calmed down pretty quickly. After all, I wanted to be married to Chris, but now I was a wife. It suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea how to be that.

For us, we spent years transitioning into the family we are today. I didn’t cook, and I worked out of the home when we were first married. A year later, I was learning to cook and caring for our newborn baby as a housewife. Things have changed as we’ve moved, changed jobs, had more babies, added and removed seminary from our schedule, and entered ministry. Each change became easier as our roles in our marriage were more and more clear.

Other healthy marriages were a guide to what our marriage could look like, but we have created a life that works for us and our needs. But that didn’t happen overnight (obviously). It took time and the willingness to try and fail at things.

If I had known before marriage that an adjustment period was normal, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so scared I was doing it wrong the first few years of marriage.

9. Being Married Can Be Boring

I wake up, make breakfast for the kids, eat breakfast, drink coffee, homeschool, make lunch, do housework or write, make dinner, clean up, hang out with the family, put my kids to bed, read or watch something, and go to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Yes, each day of the week has extra activities and duties, but that is the general flow of any given day. Every. Day. Chris and I went to restaurants, movies, and visited local sights when we were dating. We went out and did things together on the spur of the moment, and we didn’t have any routine to follow. Anything could happen.

Currently, our life isn’t like that. We live within the restrictions of our finances, parenting responsibilities, and job expectations. In other words, we’re adults, and that can be so, so, so boring. That’s life, though, right?

My suggestion is to look at life differently. First, all those boring things we accomplish each day, ladies, is in service to the Lord. That toilet cleaning you’re doing is for God. The vacuuming you regularly do to fight off cat hair is for Him, too. Serve Him in the “boring” things. Second, make life more fun for yourself. For instance, my husband puts on music, and the whole family dances while cleaning up after dinner.

Plan pockets of time for something fun. Really, it’s okay to take a break. And look for God and the opportunities for joy in the mundane. When we put our minds to it, we have to conclude that there is nothing “boring” about Him and what He has given us.

10. No One Can Hurt Him More Than Me

I inherited a “gift” from my mom. A sharp tongue. I can put you in your place and tear you apart all in a few words. I don’t utilize this family trait anymore (on purpose), but words can fly before I have time to consider them. It’s a self-control issue, to be sure, but God has done such a work in me concerning my tongue so far. On the other hand, when I fail, who do you think is on the receiving end? That’s right. My husband.

It’s interesting how well we can all behave in public, but in our homes we let the worst of us shine through. Not all of us have cutting words, but we can all hurt our husband in some way. We are meant to trust each other and care for one another, but that also puts us in a more vulnerable position with each other than we are in with anyone else.

How can we hurt our spouses? Let me count the ways. We can be thankless, disregard his feelings, withdraw sexually, withdraw emotionally, be unsupportive, be overly critical, talk negatively about him, share his secrets, consistently put the kids before him, pay more attention to another man than him, etc.

I’m sure you can come up with more ways to hurt your husband than I listed, but you get the idea. I wish I had known before marriage that my husband needed to be handled carefully by me. He cares about how I view him and wants the love, respect, and intimate closeness that makes marriage unique. I should be his safe place, not a potential emotional or spiritual injury.

Final Thought

Marriage isn’t hard most days. Usually, I just feel lucky to get to hang out with my super cute best friend ever day. We have built a life that I never expected but wouldn’t want to give up now that I have it. That’s not the whole story, though, and it doesn’t help others when we paint marriage with a rosy glow. Difficulties will arise, arguments are inevitable, and sometimes marriage won’t feel satisfying in the moment.

Let’s help each other by being honest about the good and the bad in marriage. Why should people learn these lessons the hard way when others could guide them? Let’s do that for others. Encourage young couples to prepare for the honeymoon phase to be that – a phase, but also remind them that marriage is an opportunity to serve the Lord and grow in Christlikeness together. Marriage is beautiful and totally worth it, but it isn’t always easy.

What do you wish you had known before getting married?

Image courtesy of JAN Pictures via Unsplash.