The Cost Of Christianity: Losing Relationships

We tell people about Christ, as we should, and we encourage them to repent and believe. All good things. However, sometimes Christians make the mistake of making born-again Christianity sound too good. Being a believer doesn’t instantly solve every problem. All of our struggles don’t suddenly melt away because we know Jesus as out Savior. In fact, we can find ourselves with new trials and hurts thanks to the cost of Christianity. The cost can include a variety of things, but one of the hardest to experience is losing friends and family for our faith.

My Greatest Cost Of Christianity: An Inadvertent Purge

I have been hesitant to go into much detail about my experience losing most of the people in my life after salvation because 1.) I don’t want to scare anyone away from Jesus, and 2.) In no way do I want those people to recognize themselves in what I write and think I’m retaliating.

I completely expected to lose some of my relationships when I trusted Christ as my Savior. Actually, I had counted the cost of Christianity while I looked into it because I had seen some of that cost a year or so prior to my conversion. My husband, then just my boyfriend, broke up with me to get saved. He knew he couldn’t commit to Jesus and me (an anti-Christian lover of the world) at the same time. So, he had a choice to make, and despite how it hurt me, he made the right one.

Eventually, he tried to reach out and witness to me, but ultimately I cut him out of my life. As I would learn later, before I became a Christian, I was not the only person who essentially dropped my husband like a hot potato. So, I knew I risked losing relationships I cared about if I got saved. And I did lose them. Nearly everyone from my B.C. (before Christ) days cut me out…and fast.

The Cost Of Christianity: Bar Friends

I was saved at twenty-six years old, and all my friends were unmarried. This meant we spent a lot of time going out to bars. Most of my weekends were a drunken haze, and a mid-week bar trivia night was never out of the question. We laughed a lot, talked about philosophy and religion, and we killed trivia as a team.

After my salvation, however, I only went out to the bar one more time. I didn’t drink, but I wanted to see my friends and look for chances to talk about Jesus. It was a weird vibe, and everyone seemed uncomfortable near me. I think my sobriety and clean language was jarring. I made my boundaries clear about drinking and said I’d like to hang out in the future but not at a bar. Consequently, I was never invited to hang out again.

Two friends reached out individually to speak to me about my faith. One reached out over Facebook. In a nutshell, he told me he thought I was smart enough to not be pulled into something as foolish as Christianity. I can only explain it as respectfully rude, and I never heard from him again.

The other friend met me at a restaurant to dig into what I believed and to challenge me with every criticism he had about the Christian faith. Sadly, I didn’t know enough to respond to his rapid-fire questions and critiques. I held my own for being a new believer, but I was unable to say anything he found valuable. We haven’t spoken since.

As an aside, I invited them all to my wedding (which was only three months after my salvation). None attended or even responded to my invitation.

The Cost Of Christianity: Humanist Do-Gooder Friends

My other group of friends was made up of social workers and bleeding-heart liberals. And I don’t mean that term in a derogatory way. These were the poster children for good causes and being  “good” people. Earlier that same year, I would have stood beside them as a sister to all their causes and concerns. However, although I still cared about people deeply, my worldview had drastically shifted. I saw my work as a school social worker as putting band aids on broken bones. People needed Jesus, not another affirming voice in their ear about living their truth.

Over time, these friends distanced themselves from me. Our interests no longer aligned, and how we saw the world had radically diverged. The calls and texts simply stopped, and I was too busy as a new wife, new mother, and new Christian to take much notice.

The Cost Of Christianity: My Family

The cost of Christianity hit hardest regarding my family. I always had a less-than-ideal relationship with my them. I grew up as an only child with parents in a dysfunctional marriage, and though I loved them, I always found it difficult to feel completely safe being vulnerable with them. The year preceding my salvation, however, proved to be a good year for building a stronger bond with my family, even my grandma and stepfamily. My husband, then boyfriend, having dumped me for Jesus led to everyone rallying around me. They all felt as if they had been fooled by him and pitied me.

My getting saved poisoned things for a lot of my family, though. I had kept my spiritual interests a secret, and I had already incorrectly told everyone my ex-boyfriend joined a cult. Then, suddenly, I was one of them. At least, that’s how my relatives saw it.

My family jumped on board to help with our wedding because we had two months from engagement to wedding date to make it happen. These two months were not easy-going, though. My initial engagement announcement was met with, “You’ll end up divorced, but you’re adults. I can’t stop you.”

Before the engagement, I told relatives I was a born-again Christian. Responses varied from “I’m glad you found something” to disgust that I thought I could know I was saved. At a Mother’s Day lunch, one of my relatives laughed at me until he cried, and then he told another family member who immediately begged me not to be too into religion. That same person, after hearing me say, “Praise the Lord,” rolled her eyes and said, “Really?”

Kicked Out

After my honeymoon, though, things reached the lowest point. A family member read something my husband had written about baptism before we got married. This person was terribly offended because they believed in infant baptism, and my husband wrote in favor of believer’s baptism. Well, months of anger and frustration bubbled up in an email, and this relative told me off and essentially said I was no longer welcome in the family. None of them wanted to hear from me again. After reading that, I saw that everyone on that side of the family had unfriended me on Facebook that evening. I’d been shunned.

I was heartbroken, but thanks be to God because I was also an enthusiastically sold-out for Christ new believer. I felt loss and pain for myself, but I also felt sad for them. They responded the best way they knew how, and I just asked people to pray for them.

The Cost Of Christianity Is A Guarantee

In order to follow after Christ, there will be a cost. Guaranteed. It might not be as dramatic a personal loss as I experienced. In fact, I honestly hope not. But, as always, Scripture addresses this issue.

“And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said unto them, If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.”

Luke 14:25-27

What is this saying? Jesus wants us to hate our family and those closest to us? No, but how much do you love Him? Do you love Jesus so much that you would serve and obey Him even if it meant losing those people you love most? If we can’t pick up our cross and bear whatever losses, trials, and hardships that may come our way, we can’t be His. Jesus must be first in our lives.

“And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”

Mark 8:34-36

Again, Christ is telling those following Him to be willing to lose everything. “The whole world” is not just the things in the world. It’s the people, too. What do we truly gain, eternally speaking, when we forsake Jesus to be more palatable to those around us?

We’re Not Alone, Even When We Are

You might think that losing most of my friends and a sizable chunk of my family made me feel utterly alone. If so, you would be correct. I did, but it wasn’t long before I realized I had all the support I needed. My new church family was an amazing blessing at that time, and I was married to the love of my life. Even so, if I hadn’t had those people, I still would have had all that I needed.

I know it sounds trite to people, especially while they are struggling, but the Lord offered comfort that can only be from Him. I never doubted that there would be purpose behind my hurting, and I felt loved and welcome because I knew I was a child of God. The Lord’s comfort is impossible to explain if you don’t know Him. But if you know, you know.

Verses To Remind Us Of His Comfort

These are a few of my favorite verses about how God cares for us when we are overwhelmed and hurting.  (I share five verses for when life gets hard HERE that I don’t discuss in this post.)

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

When our relationships are falling apart around us or we feel completely rejected, we can feel depressed and as if the hurt is too much to bear. And we could be right. It might be too much for us, but it’s not too much for the Lord. In these times, rest for our souls is the soothing balm we need.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

Here it is in black and white. He is near to us even when our hearts are broken. You are not alone no matter how you feel.

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”

Psalm 147:3

The hurt you feel today isn’t forever. Sure, it feels like you’ll always be heartbroken, but God heals that. Trusting in that promise can be easier said than done, but He keeps His promises to us. One day, the pain will end.

Why The Cost Of Christianity Is Our Relationships

Among the various costs of Christianity, why is losing relationships included? I’m sure there are loads of reasons, but I can think of four big ones from my experience.

1. Hi. It’s Me. I’m The Problem. It’s Me.

My family’s reaction to me was not loving or kind. Actually, it was cruel and seemed overly emotional to me. Then again, I’ve never been much of an emotions-driven person. Nonetheless, I was not an innocent victim.

I strongly believe that newly saved adults need to be locked up until they learn to communicate their new faith tactfully. OK, I don’t literally want people locked up, but maybe we can start a church initiative to offer babysitters… I stated truths to my family matter-of-factly with no grace. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I meant no harm, but I inflicted some as I earnestly shared what I knew to be the most important information they would ever hear.

It’s a long story. Several long stories, to be honest. Let’s just say that I used the word “pagan” in reference to some of my relatives’ beliefs and, without a delicate explanation, announced I wouldn’t be attending any functions held on Sundays or with large amounts of alcohol.

Sometimes, y’all, the people in our lives are not only offended by the gospel, but they are offended by us, as well. We shouldn’t deny the truth to spare someone’s feelings, but we can and should share truth lovingly with grace and tact.

2. Confusion And Disappointment

I believe my friends (and family) were completely sideswiped by my conversion. As they saw it, I was a slightly wild woman in her twenties who drank heavily and loved a good time. But then, out of nowhere, I suddenly didn’t want to do anything I used to do with them, wear my old clothes, listen to the same music, or consume alcohol and cigarettes. To make matters worse, I talked about Jesus and church as if they were good!

I wonder how many people felt as if I had completely disappeared. When my husband got saved and we broke up, I mourned him like a death. The man I had loved was as good as dead in my mind. I was wrong, but I didn’t understand what had happened to him. I didn’t recognize him anymore.

The greatest thing that ever happened to me was probably one of the worst things in the minds of many of the people in my life. They were paying the cost of Christianity without having Christ. Of course they pulled away!

3. Not That Into You

The sad revelation I had was that a lot of my friends didn’t like me that much. Our relationship was conditional upon some nonnegotiables. Apparently, my friendship with them was hinged upon bars, my intoxication, and no faith (or a silent one).

These people didn’t care about me that much. End of story. The cost of Christianity felt heavy when they spoke rudely to me or stopped talking to me at all, but the cost was ultimately a blessing. That loss helped me move on to form legitimate friendships with like-minded people who encourage me and love Jesus. Yes, it hurt to realize they were never that close to me, but it also felt wonderful to know where I truly stood and to find people who do love me.

4. Conviction

Christian living can sometimes convict those around you. In my personal experience, abstaining from drinking alcohol has led to others feeling convicted about their own drinking and subsequent sin. I don’t have to say one thing about their drinking and yet they take my personal conviction and acknowledgement that drunkenness is a sin as an attack against them. Why?

Deep down they know they’re under condemnation. Whether they are drunkards, liars, or idolators, they know they are in the wrong. God’s Law is written on our hearts, and we can all sense when we’ve broken it (Romans 2:15). God gave us a conscience, making us fully capable of knowing right from wrong.

If someone walks away from you because they can’t stand the conviction they’re under when they’re around you, don’t take it personally. Pray for those people, but don’t let their reaction dim your light.

What Should You Do?

Broken relationships don’t have to be permanent. Reconciliation is possible, but it isn’t a sure thing. So, what can you do if the cost of Christianity has been one or more of your relationships?

First, pray. Pray for peace, wisdom, and for God to soften those people’s hearts. Second, obey God and live your obedient Christian life whether or not those relationships are ever repaired. Third, keep the door open by reaching out as appropriate and accepting their attempts to make contact. Fourth, accept the circumstance and trust God’s will in the matter.

Final Thought

Salvation through Jesus Christ is the best thing that ever happened to me. I would lose everything to keep Him, but I don’t want to, of course. The cost of Christianity is nothing in comparison to eternity with the Lord, and I think we should remember that. On the other hand, it’s not wrong to mourn the relationships we may end up losing along the way.

I hope no one who reads this will ever lose friends and family because of her faith. The pain and sense of abandonment is something I wouldn’t wish on anybody. If you ever do face this trial, may I leave you with one last encouragement? You are loved. You are so loved, in fact, that you’ve been adopted into the family of God. Cling to that truth on your darkest days. Truth: You are His.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.”

Ephesians 1:3-6

Has your Christian faith cost you any relationships?

Image courtesy of Casper Nichols via Unsplash.