Navigating The Holidays With Your Unsaved Family
Christmas is supposed to be a time to celebrate Jesus’ birth, and we use that time to be with our loved ones as we worship the Lord. It’s a special time, but for some, it isn’t always so wonderful. Let’s face it. Family can be complicated, and that fact is only magnified when you spend the holidays with your unsaved family.
Holidays With Your Unsaved Family: The Tightrope
The careful balancing act a believer must do while surrounded by unbelieving relatives at Christmas is real, and it can be rough. Your words must be thoughtfully assembled while remaining true to your faith. As criticism is tossed your way, you must find the appropriate way to lovingly and humbly respond while sharing truth. All the while, you may even need to keep a smile on your face while knowing some people in the room are triggered by your mere existence. Y’all, it’s exhausting!
My family generally falls into three camps of belief: Catholic, liberal Methodist, or non-practicing/agnostic/atheist. We mostly stopped talking about religion after I got married because I offended many of them. In some cases, I was undoubtedly offensive. Meanwhile I was seen through the worst possible lens by others, as well. So, we tread lightly.
As you might imagine, any gathering can be awkward for us because of the giant born-again elephant in the room. Another challenge seems insignificant at first glance, but I have found it to be the hardest part of spending the holidays with my unsaved family.
We have very little in common.
The closeness that some families share during Christmas parties and holiday dinners is lacking in my family. The most important things in my life are either offensive or completely unrelatable to my relatives. They try to talk to me about my life, but it’s an obvious struggle for us. The same can be said in reverse. I want to know about their lives and what they love, however, I simply can’t be as enthusiastic as they might expect.
If I had to boil the struggle down that you might face during the holidays with your unsaved family, I’d say the meaningful relationships you long to have with family may end up feeling shallow. How in the world do you navigate that?
The Holidays With Your Unsaved Family: You Can Do It!
Every family has a different dynamic, history, baggage, and whatever else. So, I can’t tell you specifically what to do in your particular circumstance. Some of you have relatively healthy family communication and strong relationships. On the other hand, I suspect I’m not the only one with relationships holding on by a thread, in part, due to “foot-in-mouth disease.” Don’t know what that is? Ask someone who got saved in adulthood who came from a nonreligious/unbelieving family. We’ve all had this disease.
I have seven tactics you can use, no matter who you are, at your family’s holiday dinner. The best part? You can apply these to any family get-together throughout the year. I hope it helps.
1. Pray
Get to praying, Sweetheart. Pray early, and pray often. If you’re anything like me (and let’s hope not), then you’ll need the Holy Spirit to shut your mouth when you want to say something controversial. You’ll also need Him to give you the right words to say, the correct timing, and a gentle tone.
Pray for opportunities to point to Christ, and continue to ask God to call your loved ones unto Himself. Pray for their salvation. As long as there is breath in their lungs, there’s time.
2. Plan Ahead
It is always good to have a plan. Think ahead about potential areas of contention. We tend to react less charitably when we are taken by surprise. Prepare yourself for:
Awkward silences: How are you going to handle these? In my opinion, you may as well get comfortable with them. There will happen.
Boundaries: Know these ahead of time. With which conversations and activities are you unwilling to engage? You know your family; therefore you’ll know what kind of boundaries to establish before you get there. You don’t need to announce these. Actually, you probably shouldn’t. Just know what you can and cannot tolerate.
Rude Remarks: Understand that there may be some relatives who can’t help but make a snide remark, loudly whisper about you to another, or exaggerate an eyeroll in your direction. Remind yourself to resist the temptation to return the favor, so to speak. Be the bigger person.
Your Responses: You won’t know everything that everybody will say, but you’ll know some of what to expect. So, be armed with responses. Be able to answer questions and explain your faith, life choices, etc. At Christmas, we tend to have more opportunities to share Christ. Don’t miss it by being unprepared.
3. Don’t Get Pulled In
Do you have an aunt who enjoys bringing up sore subjects? Does your brother hate church and enjoy making fun of you for your faith? Well, I’m sorry because I know exactly how hurtful that can be, but none of it is an excuse for you to be unkind and jump into the fray.
It’s easy to get roped into arguments, even fistfights, at a contentious family holiday event. The key is to not respond emotionally and remain grounded in Christ. If an argument is brewing, politely step away or change the subject. Whatever you do, don’t be an easy target and end up being a terrible ambassador for Christ.
4. Be Humble And Kind
Be kind! It is so rare these days for someone to display genuine kindness. Be that rare person who isn’t like everyone else. Essentially, I’m telling you to walk the walk and talk the talk.
Have you encountered a Christian who knows the Word, has a true saving faith, and is gifted with discernment while also being the most stuck-up, self-important, and self-righteous person you have ever met? Yeah…that kind of Christian is the worst.
No one will hear you, respect your message and lifestyle, or take you seriously if you act like that guy. Most people can’t get past the attitude a person like that puts off. If you think about it for a millisecond, you see that a lack of humility does not reflect Christ. And hey, it’s not just me telling you to be humble and kind. God has something to say about it, too.
“Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
Romans 12:16-18
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.”
Luke 6:27-29 (ESV)
“The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.”
Proverbs 11:17
“When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.”
Proverbs 11:2
“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.”
James 4:10
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.”
Luke 6:27-29 (ESV)
5. Don’t Hide Your Faith
OK. I think we can all agree that we shouldn’t be aggressive with our witness when we spend the holidays with unsaved family, but don’t take that as a handy excuse to deny or shamefully downplay your faith. Proudly tell those who ask about your life all about what God is doing. Don’t hide your church involvement or purposefully omit the interest you have in attending Bible college. Be yourself. And Christian, Jesus is apart of who you are. In fact, your identity is in Christ as a believer (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; Ephesians 2:10; Galatians 2:20).
Be bold, Friend, and don’t be ashamed to acknowledge and present your faith in the Lord among those who don’t believe. He wants you to be bold and to acknowledge His impact on your life.
“For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.”
Romans 1:16
“For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his Father’s, and of the holy angels.”
Luke 9:26
“Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.”
Matthew 10:32-33
6. Read The Room
Growing up in a home with a mother who could be sweet one moment and vicious the next helped me become a skilled room reader. You may not notice when someone is good at it, but it’s painfully obvious when someone cannot read the room. For instance, imagine everyone looks sad and is speaking in hushed tones when this rube crashes in and starts talking about the unfriendly fast food employee working the drive-thru that morning. It’s like, “Read the room, dude!”
It’s not always the right time to say or do something. You might find yourself in a “warm door” conversation with a family member and feel comfortable speaking more boldly about their spiritual well-being. However, that same conversation might be a minefield with your irritated father who has had one Jack and Coke too many. Assess the situation and accept reality. They might not be ready for the same conversations that you are.
The best you can do may be to share a small nugget of truth. As long as you have been respectful of those around you and followed the Holy Spirit’s leading, then you can be satisfied that you have done the right thing.
7. Accept That Your Family May Not Change
Christian, you can’t save anyone. Read that again if you have to because it’s essential for you to understand this. You can share the gospel, live the perfect Christian life, and even bring Jesus Himself to meet your relatives in person, and they may still love their sin too much to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
This is not the part of my post when I try to convince you to give up, but I do want you to embrace God’s sovereignty and will in these matters. Ultimately, each of us must decide what to do with the gospel. Is Jesus a great teacher, a crazy man, a liar, or is He truly the Son of God?
You can’t force faith on anyone. You can pray for your loved ones, live out your faith, and share the gospel. The rest is out of your hands. Remember how Jesus teaches us to pray?
“After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.”
Matthew 6:9-10
It’s God’s will that is going to be accomplished, not necessarily ours. I may desperately want my family to be saved, but I have to hand that to God and accept His perfect will – whatever it may be. I have to trust Him.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
Final Thought
My prayer for you is that your Christmas is filled with love, fun, memories, and cheer, but I know for some of you this is going to feel like entering battle. Still others are walking into a confusing scenario that brings a lot of hurt feelings. I’m sorry this is your experience, but I am certain God’s using these holidays with your unsaved family for something good (Romans 8:28). And I know He cares for you and is watching over this situation.
What advice would you give for navigating the holidays with your unsaved family?
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