Ministry Challenges: When Church Members Leave

Being in ministry has offered my family more opportunities for blessings, friendships, and godly service to others than I could have ever imagined. On the other hand, our family has experienced some of our most remarkable lows and deepest hurts through ministry life, as well. One of the most difficult things for ministry families to deal with is when church members leave. We’re left wondering what happened and how this will reverberate through the church and the remaining members.

When Church Members Leave…My Church

Recently, a family asked to speak privately with my husband. He’s the pastor, so that wasn’t a particularly notable request. Later, however, my husband told me what they discussed. This family is leaving our church. *sigh*

My heart dropped into my stomach, and a million thoughts ran through my mind. Then, not-so-helpful coping methods popped into my head. You know them, too, I assume. Denial, anger, bargaining…

Thankfully, this family is leaving on good terms. They have an opportunity that they have wanted for a long time, and it is finally here. This includes a move, and consequently, a need to leave our church. It’s simple logistics. Although I am sad to see them leave us, I am rejoicing with them in this next chapter of their lives.

All that said, let’s not paint unicorns and rainbows all over the situation.

No matter how someone moves on, the ramifications when church members leave can be severe.

Personal Effects On The Ministry Leaders

I’m going to focus on the ministry leaders because when church members leave, the weight of that loss usually sits on leadership’s shoulders. Before I get too deep into the practical side of things, let’s look at the personal toll member loss can have on those individuals in ministry.

1. Self-Doubt

Sadly, the situation is not always as positive when church members leave as it has been with my most recent situation. Sometimes, (*ahem*, a lot of the times) members leave angrily or without any given reason at all. This can leave the pastor and others leading ministries in the church wondering, “Have I done something wrong?”

Ministry leaders doubt how well they’ve led their ministries and worked with church members. They can call everything they’ve been involved with into question. This self-doubt lingers and affects how ministry leaders move forward if they let this doubt creep into their minds and take residence.

2. Guilt

Pastors and other leadership members blame themselves for most of what goes on in church whether or not the blame actually is theirs to own. This is no less true when church members leave.

The loss of members in church does not only affect the pastor, ministry leaders, and the people leaving. The entire church body feels the loss. In my case, the family we’re losing to a move out of the area is involved in Vacation Bible School (VBS), kids’ programming, music, Sunday School, and various other needs that come up throughout the year. We are going to feel their absence in a very real way.

Imagine that this family was leaving, though, because they didn’t agree with the church’s direction. This is a common scenario, and the brunt of the guilt lands on the pastor and others involved in leadership.

As church members experience the loss, the ministry team feels guilt for any of the negative fallout. Suddenly, nursery worker shortages, less musicians, or even a member’s loss of a friend to sit with during service feels like the leadership is to blame. They think they’ve caused this, and then the fear creeps in.

3. Fear

“What if more people leave?” “What if we can’t make our budget without that family attending?” “Who will teach that class?” “Are they trying to divide the church?” “Are they spreading lies about us in the community.” “Am I a bad pastor?” “Was I not friendly enough at Bible study?” “Did I do or say something offensive?” “Was my preaching really that bad?”

That’s only the tip of the iceberg, folks.

We are not in control of the situation when church members leave. All we can do is live obediently to God. John 14:27 tells us to not let our hearts be troubled or afraid. If we are trusting in the Lord to care for our needs and care for His Church, then there is no place for fear. But, man alive, do we ever succumb to it when things look bad!

When church members leave, the fear is that it is the beginning of something bad. Are hard times coming? Will the church grieve this loss and lose heart for this church? We don’t know. And that can be scary.

4. Hurt

The idea here is not very complicated. It hurts when church members leave. Period. It might hurt people’s egos. We might feel like they have emotionally trampled on us by leaving. Leadership might take it personally or even feel betrayed. All of this boils down to being hurt.

In my circumstance, and others like mine, the hurt is sadness from losing friends. One of the more common pieces of advice I’ve received as a pastor’s wife is to not make friends at church, and I believe church members leaving is one of the reasons why I’ve been told this.

It hurts when your friends come and go, but I, as a pastor’s wife, am planted in this ministry. Loss comes with the territory. I hope the members we are losing continue to be our friends, and I wouldn’t go back and not get to know them because they are leaving. Why lose the good to avoid possible hurt?

Life is filled with hellos and goodbyes. That’s just how it is, and ministry life seems to have more of them. I’m trying to be thankful for the hellos more than saddened by the goodbyes.

When Church Members Leave A Small Church

I want to make sure I make a couple of comments concerning small churches because small church ministry is relatively ignored. I’ve been to conferences advertising speakers who will address small church ministry, and I was ecstatic each time. And each time I was disappointed. The “small” church size the speakers were referencing was around 200 to 300 regular attendees. Well, I’m a small rural church gal, and those numbers are not my understanding of “small.”

So, what happens when church members leave a small church? The effect can be catastrophic depending on who leaves. Small churches have a small pool of volunteers. You may have heard the claim that 20% of the church members do 80% of the work. I can’t validate that, but I can say that it feels like that in small churches.

Are the other 80% of members terrible people who refuse to pitch in? No! Small churches often have less young, able-bodied people to volunteer. In fact, these churches have less of every demographic from which to pull. Naturally, a lot of the same people jump in and help across multiple ministries.

All right, now let’s image one family leaves who is a part of the 20% of regular volunteers. Pretend this small church has sixty attending members. Twenty percent of that is only twelve people. An average American family is comprised of four people. If those four people leave, then the church is left with eight regular volunteers. Here’s another way to look at it. The regular group of volunteers lost one third of its members in one move.

That’s a hard hit, and I am not even addressing the financial loss in a small church when a family who gives regularly moves on…

What Should Ministry Leaders Do When Church Members Leave?

1. Feel The Hurt

If you feel pain or hurt, then go ahead and feel it. Don’t wallow in it, but don’t stuff it down and not deal with it. It’s natural to feel this way, and you don’t have to handle it alone.

2. Pray

A great way to deal with the hurt, confusion, fear, etc. is to pray about it. Seek out the Lord. He cares about you, and you can trust Him to comfort you and guide you through this.

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

1 Peter 5:7

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

3. Find Out Why And Evaluate

Why are these church members leaving? Not everyone wants to tell you why they have chosen to leave your church. Respect that if it is the case. However, make it a practice to ask why someone is leaving. Maybe they are moving or being called to ministry elsewhere. Great! Be supportive.

Perhaps, you will discover that there is a long list of grievances about you and the church. Listen and receive it well. Don’t be quarrelsome or resentful (2 Timothy 2:24-25). Instead, give real consideration to the accusations and claims laid at your feet. Will some of it be garbage? Oh, yes. Some of the things a person angrily leaving your church says will be complete trash. Nevertheless, think critically about what they say. Make changes where appropriate, and as my husband says, “if it don’t apply, let it fly.”

4. Stay Grateful

We can focus on the negative when church members leave, but there are still faithful people in our churches ready to serve with us. We can’t forget that. There is so much to be grateful for in our lives inside and outside of the church. Losing some members is not the defining moment of our lives. It will be just one thing that happened among many other things throughout an entire lifetime. Keep perspective.

If your thankfulness tank is running dry, then think about your salvation. That’s something we should never feel ungrateful about.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

John 3:16

“For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.”

2 Corinthians 5:21

5. Remember To Whom The Church Belongs

The Church does not belong to the pastor, ministry leaders, or the members. All of our churches belong to the Lord. He will do as He sees fit any time He chooses. The people who come and go in our churches are not under our control or sovereign power. We can do our part, but ultimately, our churches are His do with what He pleases.

Losing members won’t stop your church from growing and reaching the community if that is His will for your church. We can plan and work around things all we want, but He has His ways already decided. We have the easy part, actually. All we have to do is walk in obedience and follow His prompting. Easy, right? (Or maybe easier said than done.)

“A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.”

Proverbs 16:9

Final Thought

Ministry is hard work, but I think it’s the smaller relational issues that cause the most struggle in ministry life. Putting together a successful VBS is a big job, but shouldering the emotional repercussions when church members leave can be much more stressful and sometimes traumatic.

I’m sad to lose the family that’s moving away soon, but I’m incredibly thankful to know them and to see God opening this door for them. As we move forward as a church, all we can do is pray and seek His will for our next steps.

What would you add? Share your experiences and any advice you might have for ministry leaders who are losing church members.

Image courtesy of Mantas Hesthaven via Unsplash.