I’m Afraid I Have Wasted My Life

I gave a devotional at my church’s Mother-Daughter Banquet recently. It was a fun time, and I enjoyed writing the devotional and speaking. Naturally, you might think I walked away from the experience feeling pretty good, but I did not. Instead, I walked away feeling discouraged by my past. I was overwhelmed with the fear that I may have wasted my life up to this point. Is that even possible? Why would I feel that way? What might God have to say? These are all questions I’ve wrestled with the last week or so.

Motivated By Fear

As far as school was concerned, I was a model pupil. On the other hand, I had very little passion for things. My interests were typically shallow. The few things I did care about and that brought me joy and satisfaction inevitably frightened me away. My interests would put me in a vulnerable state if I pursued them, and I simply refused to try if I might fail. I’ll let you guess how many things that left open to me.

I even let this fear of failure transition to fear of rejection. So, my circle of friends was very small…not even enough to make a circle at times. I was lonely and had no direction or drive for anything beyond getting A’s in school and singing in choir.

Wasting My College Years

Choosing a college major was more difficult for me than most of my peers because I couldn’t figure out what career to work toward that I would be able to navigate without any difficulty. I felt drawn to music, radio broadcasting, law, and journalism. All these areas of study came served with a hefty side of criticism and scrutiny. Besides, I needed to be gifted in them to some degree or be very smart, and I thought too little of myself to believe any of that could be true about me. It was too scary, so I defaulted to Psychology. I found the topics interesting, and I thought I could cobble a life together with that major.

College was wasted years of drinking, studying to ace the tests, making friendships based on little more than convenience, and using my long-distance boyfriend as an excuse for not meeting new people.

Graduate school was more of the same, but I made real friends and I met my husband. My area of study had changed, though, because I failed to get into the school I wanted. A professor told me to consider school social work. I bought a book on the subject and moved forward with her plan for my life. Again, I left myself out of the equation. My husband describes this sort of behavior as “being like water.” I was just going whatever way the current pulled me with no regard to what I wanted or who I was. Franky, I didn’t even know either of those things.

Jesus Entered My Life But Fear Didn’t Leave

My life changed significantly after graduate school. I spent a year letting another guy define our relationship in such a way that it worked perfectly for him, but I was more of a possession than anything else. I drank. A lot. And I hid in my office at work often because I worked with some really mean teachers who turned every interaction into a confrontation. My boyfriend and I broke up after about a year, and this is where Christ and I collided. (You can read my testimony HERE.)

Sadly, one of my greatest weaknesses held on strong after my salvation. You see, I was saved but still living in a constant state of fear. I’ve been a Christian twelve years, and I am just now beginning to do things that I have longed to do or felt called to do because I continued to let fear run my life all these years. I can’t say I have conquered fear, but I am definitely overcoming it. There are still questions nagging me, though.

Why am I nearly forty when I finally allowed myself to try things and not be too scared to make a mistake? Did I waste thirty-eight years? I’ll be honest, it feels like that to me right now. And that’s hard. God’s Word, though, can offer comfort in these low times.

God’s Sovereignty

As a Christian woman I know that, despite all my feeble attempts, I’m not the one running this ship. God oversees it all, and He knows what’s going to happen. If I wasted my life, then either He messed up or I’m the one in full control of how things work in my life and in the lives around me. Neither of those things are true.

Below are a few verses that I keep going back to as I continue to feel this way.

1. “’I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:2; ESV)

God has plans. It’s not like He sits back watching us all and wondering what will happen next. He is in charge, and there is nothing I can do to put His plans off course. So, no amount of “wasting” my life will hurt His agenda. In fact, what feels like “wasting” might genuinely be a small part of the bigger picture only He knows. It may just feel like “wasting” my life because things haven’t unfolded the way I would have liked to see.

2. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Again, we see the Lord putting the pieces together. He controls it, and He works it out as He sees fit. This verse says it will work out for good, but keep in mind that might not look like you think it should. In fact, you might suffer great loss and heartbreak that feels like you have been forsaken by God. However, the Lord will use that for His purposes. I have heard Christians tell stories of terrible circumstances that led to revival, long-awaited salvations, and even ministries being formed. As promised, He worked all things out for good.

3. “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:29-31)

We see God’s sovereignty displayed even over the smallest of things like a relatively insignificant bird valued at practically nothing. In addition, God knows the number of hairs on my head! In other words, He values me and really knows me. The years I have spent being of no use, as I sometimes see it, are valuable to Him. I matter to Him.

Stop Looking Back

You know what my problem is? Well, that’s a loaded question… But one of my problems is that I am always looking back. I’m the person who replays the small mistake she made in a conversation seventeen years ago while brushing her teeth this morning. No one remembers it, in all likelihood, but I do. And I won’t let it go.

This obsession with my past is only made worse when I think about regrets or things I would do differently now knowing what I know. It’s the typical “hindsight is 20/20” trap. We always know better when we look at it from the other side. Sure, now I’m disgusted by the life I led before I knew Christ, but what kind of life can we expect from an unbeliever?

Ugly Becoming Beautiful

The time I spent as an unbeliever was not spent for the glory of God, but I was the kind of person who needed to be brought to a low point before I could even consider Christ. My life led me to Him eventually, and now I get to bring glory to Him with the testimony of how I became a Christian. My life prior to salvation sounds much less wasteful when I view it in the scope of His plans. He took an ugly past and made something beautiful.

So, should I spend so much time looking back at my life? Absolutely not! Paul says it best, in my opinion.

“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 3:13-14

We ought to look forward to what the Lord has for us, not looking back and missing the work He has put in front of us. Life, Lord willing, is a long race to run, and we can learn from the past while continuing onward for Him.

What Has God Done In Those Wasted Years?

As I look back I tend to focus on the sin, foolishness, and cowardice of my life. However, maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things. Yes, there’s plenty I would change if I could, but I should also consider what God did in that “wasted” time.

The years prior to salvation thickened my skin, provided experiences that give me opportunities to share Christ, and, of course, led me to a place I finally saw my need for Jesus. I was around the right people at the right time, and I was in the right state of mind to hear and understand the gospel when I finally did. God used that time to draw me nearer. Twenty-six years seems so long to me, but what is twenty-six years in light of eternity?

Counting My Blessings

These past twelve years as a Christian have exposed me to all kinds of ministry opportunities. They weren’t all a good match, but I learned that through time and experience. I got married and had five kids. I’m getting better at being a wife and mother every year, and raising these kids with my husband is a blessing I never could have pictured in my youth. Not to mention, I have learned so much about the Lord and His Church.

I could definitely beat myself up over certain behaviors and attitudes I allowed to fester, but God taught me about my lack and His sufficiency through all that. The years that I have worried were thrown away and accomplished nothing have, in fact, brought me the greatest joys of my life. How can that be waste?

The more I contemplate all this, the more I see my pride revealed. It is as if I thought I was supposed to be more than I am. I’ve wondered why God isn’t using me. Then, I look around at my family, my church, and my friends. He is most certainly using me…for His purposes and will. I may think I know what needs to happen, but God knows what is best for me and my life. I need to remove my expectations from His plans and trust Him.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Final Thought

I believed because fear ran my life, even after salvation, that I was wasting my life. I wondered what I had actually accomplished. Well, in the years since coming to know the Lord, He has gently revealed Himself to me through studies, mentors, prayer, and the Word. I have continued to grow in my faith and grown to be more like Him…though, still falling woefully short.

Did I waste my life until now? No. I know my reach is small, but the Lord has opened an avenue for me to write through this blog. He has given me opportunities to try out public speaking and even some acting (thanks, VBS!). I’ve also been able to minister to people throughout these twelves years in small, personal ways. These things, though, came in His timing. Before that, I was blessed with salvation, a husband, five kids, friends, and an active and loving church! Perhaps, what I feared was waste was actually sanctification and preparation for the seasons of life ahead of me. Maybe what I have seen as waste has been growth.

How about you? Have you ever felt like your life didn’t go the way it should have?

Image courtesy of Aron Visuals via Unsplash.