I’m A Hypocritical Mom
Hypocrite. A hypocrite is a person who, according to Merriam-Webster, acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings. I think I live a life that is generally transparent, and I am open about my shortcomings, of which there are many. Normally, I wouldn’t say I’m a hypocrite. I have known plenty of those people, and I don’t act like them at all. Or do I? Sadly, with reflection, I must admit to myself that I can be very hypocritical. This is especially true as a mother. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I have often caught myself telling my kids to do something that I don’t do. It turns out that I just might be a hypocritical mom.
Worldly Examples
I’ve written about my mom a few times on The Set-Apart Walk. I wrote about her death, struggling with Mother’s Day, and I wrote her a birthday letter after she had already passed away. Our relationship was complicated. She had personal struggles that challenged her ability to be a healthy and loving mom, but nonetheless, she was my one and only mother. She was my example.
We all have examples of motherhood in our youth, and those women influence how we will be as mothers one day. But read this carefully: You’re not doomed to be a terrible mother just because your mom was. Ladies, we can be different from the poor examples in our lives. The key is a relationship with Jesus, of course, but then we have to be willing to honestly look at ourselves. Are we repeating bad patterns, unhealthy language, anger, or any other sinful habits we witnessed growing up?
What examples did you have? Did you have a godly mother or mother figure who embodied Christ’s love? If you did, amen! I love those stories. Moms, we’re trying to build Christian legacies, and it sounds like some of you are smack dab in the middle of one that your parents, grandparents, or beyond started many years ago. That’s wonderful. However, some of us, maybe even many of us, had worldly examples of motherhood. Outside of Christ, mothers are just as unrepentantly sinful and deceived as anyone else. Don’t think for a moment that being raised by a secular or undeveloped Christian worldview won’t affect you as a mother.
Do As I Say, Not As I Do
As a first-generation Christian, I’ve had to learn a way of life that stands in stark contrast to my upbringing. I love it, but there’s quite a learning curve. I didn’t even know what a Christian home looks like behind closed doors when I became a believer.
As I learn, I desperately desire to give my children a better start than I had. I want them to grow in godly character and learn to be the kind of people God calls all of us to be. I’m still figuring some of this out, though, and I can find myself holding my children to a standard I have not held myself to. Hypocritical mom.
5 Things I Say As A Hypocritical Mom
Acknowledging the issue is the first step followed by repentance. Of course, I can’t say I repent and then do nothing to improve, can I? It’s time for action. So, I’m going to publicly call myself out on five things I tell my children to do that I should be saying to myself. (And you probably thought I only call out other people…)
A Hypocritical Mom Says, “Stop Trying To Be In Charge.”
Does anyone else have a bossy child? In my house, this is one of my sons. He is known to push for his preferences by insisting on knowing as much detail as possible about the day’s plans and then attempting to steer the course of the day by cleverly bossing me around. Sadly for him, I don’t get pushed around.
These behaviors get on my nerves because he seems to be struggling with a very simple truth in our home. He’s not the parent, an adult, or the one leading the home. My husband and I are in charge. Who does he think he is?
I’m not wrong to correct my son on this issue, but it feels hypocritical when I consider my relationship with God. I have plans and goals, and when they appear to oppose God’s direction in my life, I try to circumvent Him. I often tell God how things are going to be, yet He ensures that His will is done, anyway. Despite my attempts to do what I want at every turn, God has to keep reminding me that I am, in fact, not God. I don’t run the show. I don’t know best.
Should my son stop trying to step into a role that isn’t his? Yes. But I should take my words of correction and apply them to myself more often, too.
The Bible Says God Is In Charge
“A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9
“There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand.”
Proverbs 19:21
“All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the Lord, and all the families of the nations shall worship before you. For kingship belongs to the Lord, and he rules over the nations.”
Psalm 22:27-28 (ESV)
A Hypocritical Mom Says, “Don’t Give In To Peer Pressure.”
Every child faces peer pressure at some point. I gave in to peer pressure and ended up doing some terrible things such as underage drinking and smoking, stealing, and sneaking out. So, I know all about weakness when directly confronted with peer pressure. Thankfully, I’m not the standard by which all children live. I failed in this area in a big way, but plenty of others have the strength of character to do their own thing.
My kids are not currently facing all the temptations I did, but they still have pressure to break our rules, display poor attitudes, use coarse language, and consume questionable media. As their mother, I obviously encourage them to say “no” to these things, but I need to keep an eye on myself concerning this issue, as well.
As a forty-something year old woman, my peer pressure looks different. I can feel pressured by my peers to take on more than I can reasonably handle at church. As a homeschool mom, I feel peer pressure from other homeschoolers to match what they are doing. Sure, it might not fit in with our family, but they’re involved in multiple sports, clubs, and using an expensive online curriculum. Maybe I should, too? Not to mention, social media can make me feel like other women my age have more things, take more trips, and look better than me. I need what they have!
How can I be such a hypocritical mom by telling my kids to ignore peer pressure while also allowing myself to be pulled into the adult version of it? I may not feel pressured by peers to do drugs or stay out late, but my peers can definitely make me feel pressured to meet their expectations or to feel discontent with what God has provided – especially if it seems like less than what they have.
The Bible Says To Focus On Things Of God, Not The World
“For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.”
Galatians 1:10
“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
Matthew 6:19-21
“Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.”
Colossians 3:2
A Hypocritical Mom Says, “Quit Being So Selfish.”
If you’ve met a child, you’ve seen selfishness in action.
There’s little to nothing that kids won’t be selfish about. They don’t want to share toys, food, money, attention, the remote, videogame turns, etc. They want what they want, and they want it now, OK? It’s a constant battle, but every parent has to fight it to some degree. However, as I tell my children to knock it off with the selfishness, I’m ignoring how absolutely selfish I am in my own ways.
This hypocritical mom can be a selfish wife. If my husband is reading, I’m sure he’s shocked to discover this (or not). Sometimes I just want the last can of fizzy water and orchestrate the situation so I can have it. Other times, I’m selfish with my preferences or needs by putting them above his. I don’t do that all of the time, but how many times do I have to do it before I am considered selfish?
Selfishness can even come up in ministry. It seems counterintuitive to put selfishness and ministry together, but there are ways. I might refuse to serve in a particular way for no other reason than it isn’t convenient or my preference. Some people minister, but they hope to get something out of it themselves.
Selfishness doesn’t stop being an issue after childhood. It just grows up with us.
The Bible Says To Think Less Of Ourselves
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
Philippians 2:3
“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”
Romans 12:1
“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”
Galatians 2:20
A Hypocritical Mom Says, “Be Nice To…”
“Be nice to your brother.”
“Don’t be so mean to your little sister.”
“Stop teasing!”
“Why don’t you go play with that new kid? He’s all alone.”
I’ll make the assumption that most us with kids have witnessed them being unkind to someone at some point. I feel like this is especially true if there are siblings in the mix. My oldest was just saying that she and one of her brothers are either “best friends” or they just don’t get along at all. Ah, the classic tale of frenemies.
Whether it be an annoying sibling, a “weird” kid at church, or a mean kid in the neighborhood, I expect my children to be kind to other people. And this doesn’t just mean I want them to be tolerant of people’s existence. I want them to be helpful, willing to listen, and to include them when possible. (Before I get hate for this, let me clarify that I don’t expect this level of kindness with unsafe people. No one in my household is being forced to invite a bully over for lunch.)
If I wasn’t such a hypocritical mom, I’d be modeling this very well to my children. As it happens, though, I don’t want to be kind to people who are not kind to me. In fact, the response in my flesh is quite the opposite.
I’m not mean, but am I building bridges with those people when I encounter them? Am I demonstrating love for people who are challenging or even outright mean to my family and me? Sometimes. But it isn’t enough. If we’re to love our enemies, then how should we treat difficult, rude, and annoying people?
The Bible Says To Love Our Enemies
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”
Luke 6:27-31(ESV)
“Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Romans 12:17-21
A Hypocritical Mom Says, “Forgive.”
Some of my children forgive easily and often. They are pleased to forgive and move on to happier times. What a wonderful way to live life! On the other hand, others are easily offended and naturally hold a grudge. With those kids, you’ll likely hear about your “offense” months or even years after the fact. Of course, as a mother, I am trying to instill a forgiving nature in all my children. I don’t want them to be doormats, but I want them to forgive and give people grace and room to be human. How am I doing at that, though, in my personal life?
Well, I’ve learned that forgiveness is harder than it sounds. I have forgiven, been triggered way after forgiving someone, and then needed to forgive them again. The offender didn’t do anything new, and he or she didn’t hear from me about my rekindled feelings. I simply prayed about it and moved forward. Renewed unforgiveness is my problem, not theirs.
Unfortunately, there are hurts that have been so deep that I’ve bottled them up in order to not deal with them. Many years ago, while my mother was still alive, I didn’t even bother to stuff my anger, and I refused to forgive her. I insisted on continuing to hold a grudge because she didn’t deserve forgiveness. Then again, I don’t deserve forgiveness either.
Why We Forgive
I want to model forgiveness so my children learn how important it is and normalize it in their own lives, but that’s not the most important reason for me to stop being a hypocritical mom regarding forgiveness. The main reason is Jesus. He died on the cross, taking the penalty for my sins, in order that I could be forgiven. How can I reflect Christ and live obediently if I won’t forgive others?
The Bible Has A Lot To Say About Forgiveness
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:9
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Colossians 3:12-13 (ESV)
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”
Matthew 18:21-22
“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.”
Luke 17:3-4
Final Thought
Christian mom, you might not think of yourself as a hypocrite. I know that I don’t really see myself that way. However, if we take a step back to examine ourselves, I’m convinced we will find areas in our lives in which we expect a great deal from our children while giving ourselves a pass. Don’t worry. You haven’t ruined your children. Just be honest with them about how you’ve been hypocritical and make the changes you need for improvement. Remember that you’re not perfect, and your kids love you even when your imperfections show.
In what ways have you been a hypocritical mom?
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