How to Sabotage Your Marriage: Comparison
Everyone knows you aren’t supposed to compare your life, your loved ones, or yourself to others. Every blogger/vlogger on Earth has content discussing the dangers of comparison in a world saturated in social media. This is a no-brainer. So, what do we all do? We compare our lives, our loved ones, and ourselves to others. I guess it’s easy advice to dole out but a much harder standard to live by.
Our marriage is bound to appear disappointing when we look at all the Cinderella endings people are living out in public. Our own “fairy tale” ends up looking and feeling pretty humdrum. Prince Charming can’t get his dirty socks in the laundry basket to save his life. He works too much, and you can’t remember the last time he brought you flowers or surprised you with a date night. It might seem more ordinary than “happily ever after.”
There is no way to completely avoid the temptation to compare our marriage to others around us, but we can prepare ourselves to face that temptation and walk away from it. Ultimately, the key is to anticipate where those triggers to compare exist and know why it’s foolish to engage. I have three areas that tempt me to compare my marriage to someone else’s. (Well, three that I know about, at least.)
1. Social Media
I know. That’s shocking. (I sincerely hope the dry sarcasm was obvious.) I mostly spend time on Facebook, so the influence I’m exposed to isn’t nearly as extreme as some others. Even without participating in multiple social media platforms, I feel bombarded by other people’s highlight reels. I see couples who seem to go on nice dates once a week or more. They appear to be having more fun than me all the time. I mean, how can folding laundry be an event that ends up with laughter, kissing, and obligatory selfies? I promise my laundry baskets never bring me that much joy.
These couples I see are also frequently buying gifts for one another and sharing deep, personal, loving essays about each other as Facebook posts. I walk away from seeing all that feeling as if I’m a failure as a wife. I mean it. Folding the laundry for the seven of us doesn’t even make me crack a smile.
Here’s the truth. You see what they want you to see. I’m not suggesting that they have miserable marriages and are faking anything. I just mean to say that they are sharing the best of times. I get it. Who is going to take a selfie while arguing over the budget? (Man, I hope someone sees that as a “challenge accepted” kind of moment.) Anyway, we understand this concept in reference to “influencers,” profile pictures, and posts about jobs, children, and spiritual lives. So, of course it’s also true about marriage posts. We might be seeing others’ realities, but they are typically carefully curated realities.
2. Friends
Does anyone else have friends that are just absolutely (and irritatingly) perfect? You know these people because they’ve made you look at your own marriage and wonder, “Are we doing OK?” It’s wonderful spending time with couples who encourage us to excel and offer positive examples of healthy, loving marriages. However, if we aren’t careful these friendships can lead to serious cases of comparison. Maybe they never seem to argue, or they always seem to be romantic with one another. It might seem like they click in a way that doesn’t take any work. In essence, they are the perfect social media couple, but now they’re on a double date with you and your husband.
Take heart because they, too, are human beings. They disagree, annoy each other, and have hard times, as well. Personally, I don’t advertise if my husband and I are in the middle of a disagreement when we get together with people. Why would I do that? So, if I’m not telling everyone, then I have to assume other couples also keep their business to themselves just like I do.
Let me take this moment, though, to encourage couples to be open about the realities of marriage with their friends. It’s no help to anyone to pretend that marriage is perfect and free of struggle. We can be honest that marriage requires work without complaining and shaming our husbands.
3. Seasons of Life
Duty Calls And Calls And Calls
This is the toughest trigger for me to battle. I see well-rested women with energy to devote to their haircare and to flirt with their husbands. They seem stress-free, and their kids can all use the toilet without assistance. Then, I take a look at myself. Ya’ll, it’s not great. Between homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, helping my husband find his lost things (a task that comes along quite often), diapers and potty training, and deciding between my shower or my lunch… Well, the hair and makeup routine is lacking. And, you know, I think my husband knows I like him.
Why can’t I be like those wives? Why is my marriage so consumed by duty, children, and exhaustion? The answer is seasons of life. The women I get caught up comparing myself to are 10 to 20 years ahead of me. Of course my life looks different, and by extension my marriage. They lived through the life I’m in the middle of now.
The Grass Is Greener
For some women the comparison group might be newlyweds. They may wish their marriages were as exciting and spicy as the ones they see newlyweds experiencing. Other women look at a life like mine and are filled with grief and longing. They would trade sleep, cleanliness, and quiet for children to love and raise with their husbands. Older women look back and miss the days of family dinners and family vacations. Those years were sweet ones for them in their marriage. Still others just want the nest empty so they can refocus on the marriage that started this whole family to begin with!
Each season of life offers unique challenges to our marriages, and they also offer special blessings. We can get caught up in the dreams of what was or what will be, but we would do best to invest in our today. Your marriage won’t be better just because the kids are older, younger, moved out, or born at all. Circumstances don’t change who we are, but rather, they bring it out. Our best bet it to stop looking outward at our peers and choose to look toward Christ while putting more energy into our marital relationships.
Final Thought
That was just the top three areas in my life that lead me to comparing my marriage to others’ marriages, but I recognize there is an unending supply of opportunities for comparison. I didn’t even touch on media, but can we have a moment of silence for every husband whose wife was mad at him after watching a movie on the Hallmark Channel around Christmas? Oddly, I’m suddenly craving a gingerbread cookie. Just me?
The world preaches that we will find a soulmate and be “completed.” Movie after movie shows us how passionate and tumultuous “good” relationships should be. He will meet your every need. He will be your everything. Christians, we should know that’s a bunch a garbage. Your husband will fail you. He will let you down. He will hurt you. Mine will, too. The only One who can meet every need is Jesus. Obey His will in your life, and you will find satisfaction, peace, and joy in your marriage. Take your gaze off other couples, and fix your eyes on Jesus.
Has comparison hurt your marriage?
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