How I’m Raising My Preacher’s Kids

I was woefully unprepared for motherhood, but raising preacher’s kids has only added a whole new challenge to the mix. In conservative circles, I feel compelled to explain my lack of “churching” as a young person. We didn’t do the church thing in my home, and being raised Catholic led me to believe all clergy were lifetime singletons living in perpetual virginity. They couldn’t have kids. Then, I got saved, married the man who led me to the Lord, and he became a pastor. So, here I am with five preacher’s kids and realizing I’m in over my head.

Concerns For My Preacher’s Kids

As a new believer, I assumed the pastor’s kids were the best behaved and most spiritual children. The pastor’s wife at my first church had it all together and her children were wonderful. Over time, though, she revealed her struggles as a mother when they were younger and *gasp* it turned out that no one in that ministry family was perfect. By the way, I’m so glad she shared that with me because I still lean on that fact when I feel like I’m failing as a mother.

It took a few more years before I started hearing the jokes about preachers’ kids. I was at a new church and some of the congregants teased about the pastor’s kids (and deacon’s kids). Finally, it dawned on me that these children had a reputation of rebellion and negatively influencing others. It’s so well-known that there’s even a widely accepted definition for this phenomenon.

Preacher’s Kid Syndrome

Below is what any online dictionary search will turn up.

Preacher’s Kid Syndrome: “A term that dignifies the response of children raised by a parent or parents of a religious order—e.g., preacher, pastor, deacon, vicar, lay leader, minister or other similar church leader—who rejects the family’s and church’s values, i.e., through drug use, alcohol abuse, and/or sexual activity.”

As any Christian mother would agree, this sounds terrible! My first thought was, “Is this real?” Well, it might be. A 2013 study from Barna found that of pastors with children ages fifteen or older:

40% of the children significantly doubted their faith for a season

33% of the children were no longer actively involved in church

7% of the children no longer considered themselves Christians

Not convinced? Check out the online presence of Pastor John Piper’s son, Abraham Piper. He was excommunicated from his father’s church when he was nineteen years old for rejecting Christianity. Four years later he returned to the church claiming to be saved. However, later he turned from his faith again. Abraham now writes, paints, and makes videos. A fair share of his content discusses his progressive views on religion and mocks the Bible and biblical Christianity.

Not all preachers’ kids have a famous father who inadvertently puts them in the spotlight. So, he isn’t the only one who walked away from the Lord, but he and his family have the unfortunate circumstance of celebrity to contend with in this scenario.

Who’s Responsible For Preachers’ Kids?

Who can we blame when a preacher’s kid rejects Christ? Don’t parents often get the blame? Parents undoubtedly play a large role in how their children turn out as grown-ups, but those children are ultimately responsible for themselves. We cannot force anyone, even our children, to love the Lord and walk in faith. We need to train them up (Proverbs 22:6) and not provoke our children to anger but rather raise them in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

We’ve all seen families that are wonderful spiritual examples. The parents are faithful in their spiritual walk and pour out love, affection, and godly parenting in the home. Yet, somehow, one or more of their kids walk away from church and reject Christ. Moms, you can be obedient in every way as a parent, and your child can still abandon your teachings. And preachers’ kids are not immune to this, either.

15 Things I’m Doing For My Preacher’s Kids

I’m not an expert on raising kids in a ministry family. I’m just a pastor’s wife in a rural community fumbling though motherhood like everyone else. As soon as I think I have it figured out, I realize I need to start back at square one.

So, the things I am applying in my home may not be “right,” or they might not apply to you. For now, these are the things I am trying out, and I hope it could encourage other ministry families. However, I believe a lot of this list applies to all Christian parents.

1. Pray

Obvious, right? I almost always try my way before coming to the Lord in prayer, though. It’s embarrassing. You’d think I would be better at this by now.

Our knees should be bruised and bleeding from the amount of prayer we dedicate to our children. We need to ask God to give us wisdom, and we should pray for our children’s salvation and spiritual growth for as long as we live.

I would ask the Church to pray for preachers’ kids, too. They have unique struggles as part of a ministry family. Prayer is one of the best ways to support these children.

2. Seek Out Godly Advice

Ministry families don’t have to do everything alone. Oh, they definitely try to handle all the things, but is that really working out for anyone? There are people who can be an encouragement and source of wisdom for the challenging season of parenting kids in the home. Don’t neglect this resource!

The ministry family needs to be careful when seeking advice, though. First, ensure the advisor is a believer. Secular wisdom has no place in Christian child-rearing whether or not the family is in ministry, but it is especially ill-fitted to a pastor and his family. That means it is possible that even a pastor’s family of origin is not an appropriate place to seek parenting advice if they don’t know the Lord.

Second, consider the advisor’s track record. Does this person have children? What does he know about being in ministry? Does she have a bias for or against preachers’ kids that would skew advice she gives?

3. Make Clear Boundaries With The Congregation And Stick To Them

One of the more common complaints from preachers’ kids is that the church infiltrates every aspect of life. People show up and call at all hours, offer unnecessary/hurtful opinions and input, demand the pastor take over every undesirable task, have constant “emergencies”… The list can go on.

The entire family, but especially preachers’ kids, needs the father to set boundaries. A pastor isn’t meant to be at the congregation’s beck and call. He has a life, and his family needs him just as much if not more than the congregants. Boundaries aren’t meant to distance the pastor from the church, but rather, they are set in order to protect his family (and himself) spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

Sometimes boundaries must be broken or are accidentally ignored. For instance, I believe it is wise to have a boundary set which restricts answering the phone for emergencies only during family dinner. Maybe the pastor answers the phone because he thinks the person calling is, in fact, in crisis but quickly discovers it’s not an emergency. Whoops. He broke the boundary he set, but the fix is easy. All he has to do is explain he is having dinner with his family and end the call.

Consistency with boundaries will create a healthy environment for preachers’ kids, and they will know they can trust their father to do as he promises. Plus, the church will understand the pastor has needs (e.g. time with his kids), too, and he will make sure those needs are met.

4. Put Your Ministry At Home Ahead Of The Church

I would not be surprised if you told me that you know an adult preacher’s kid who has walked away from the church or is filled with bitterness because the church “stole” her father. Kids need their parents, yet so many pastors put their children (and wives) on the back burner while promoting every church need, event, service, and interruption to the utmost importance. The underlying message is pastoral work is godly work, but being a father and spiritual leader in the home is not.

I hope when you read that last sentence it was obvious just how wrong that mentality is. The ministry in the home is of primary importance for both husbands and wives. And let’s note that pastors aren’t off the hook because of their position in the church. First Timothy 3 outlines the qualifications of an elder/pastor/bishop, and matters of the home are mentioned multiple times.

“This is a true saying, if a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.” (emphasis mine)

1 Timothy 3:7

A pastor can’t rule his own house well when he hardly interacts with it. Am I right? Not to mention, how are children not provoked to anger when their father continually puts everyone else first? Regularly putting the church before children is a recipe for disaster and can be easily remedied with some simple reprioritization.

5. Let Them Be Kids

Kids need to be kids. Yes, even preachers’ kids need to be allowed to be children. That means mistakes, embarrassing moments, hard lessons, silliness, and navigating themselves from dependence to independence. Oh, and did I mention preachers’ kids get to do this with an audience?

It’s tempting to push a perfect image on our children, but we only set them up for failure when we do. Besides, what is the motive for forcing our children to grow up too fast? I think it’s pride. We don’t want to look like bad parents, and we want the pastor to appear as if he has mastered the parenting thing. But you guys, no kid is perfect, and they need room to develop and mature. Let them.

6. Be Yourself At Home And At Church

Hypocrisy. It is often given as the most common reason for people to walk away from church and for unbelievers to avoid Christians and church attendance. I’m convinced, though, that hypocrisy hurts the children in the home more than anyone else. We are sending a toxic message about the Christian faith when we put on our “church face” on Sundays and act “normal” the rest of the week.

The temptation to fake it among church people is possibly strongest with the pastor and his wife. Congregants have expectations for what these two individuals will be like and how one displays spirituality. The pastor and his wife may feel pressured to try and live up to that image.

This helps no one, though. I don’t have a problem letting my church family know when I’m struggling or having a difficult day. I don’t condone excusing sin as a result of struggle, but I encourage people to be honest with one another. How much more important is it for preachers’ kids to witness a mother and father who walk the walk at church and at home? Meanwhile, seeing their parents acknowledge shortcomings and areas of growth. Additionally, I think preachers’ kids need to see they don’t have to play a role to get along at church.

My kids need to see that I belong in our church without any preparations and masks. I need them to understand the Christian faith isn’t performative.

7. Demonstrate Love To The Church

Pastoral ministry is exhausting at times, and people can be quite an…experience.

It isn’t hard to understand why the pastor and his wife may develop negative feelings about the church or some of the people in it if you pay attention. There are so many hurts and disappointments that accompany the joys and victories in ministry. It can be a roller coaster of emotions. To be totally transparent, a difficult church can make it hard to act in love toward it, but we must.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

These verses are popular at weddings, but they aren’t reserved for romance. This is the love we ought to have for the Church. If I don’t demonstrate that to my children, they will likely see church and church people in a negative light. My aim is not to poison my children against the Church. Instead, I want to help them grow more like Christ, and demonstrating biblical love to those people that I call EGRs (Extra Grace Required) is a solid way to be an example.

8. Protect Your Kids

Open and honest communication with children is essential to a healthy parent-child relationship, but there is such a thing as oversharing. Preachers’ kids have opportunities to overhear all kinds of conversations and get the dirt on people. Anyone in ministry will tell you that some things are hard for the pastor to hear, let alone to share with the rest of his family.

So, choose what you tell the children carefully, and take care when having conversations. If the content is secret or sensitive, then be discreet. Your kids don’t need to know everything.

9. Don’t Overprotect Your Kids

Sure, I want to protect my kids from information they are not mature enough to hear and things they don’t need to know, but they also must know some things to function in our family.

For example, we do marriage counseling in our home relatively often. We make sure our kids are not around to hear, but they still know what the counseling is about in a general way. And we don’t try to hide it.

Another thing we are open about with our children is money. They understand how the church pays us (including a parsonage) and that between a pastoral salary and a homemaker wife, we have financial limitations. We are trusting God to meet our needs, and He always has.

Preachers’ kids don’t want to live in a home veiled in secrecy and uncertainty. They should feel like a part of the family and understand why their parents make certain choices and take on particular ministries. The ministry family is a team, and everyone does better if they work together.

10. Explain Unfair Expectations

Life isn’t fair, and for preachers’ kids that is especially true in the church. Many congregations expect them to dress, speak, and behave in a very particular way. These expectations, of course, differ between churches, but they become clear fairly quickly. Preachers’ kids have to know they exist.

I firmly believe my kids should understand some people hold them to a higher standard because of their father’s job. They need to know what they are facing, but they don’t need to stress on that because we don’t care about what other people expect.

11. Explain God’s Expectations

In the conversations I have with my kids about the expectations others may have of them because my husband is a pastor, I also explain the only expectations I want them to be concerned with are from God.

We discuss what obedience to the Lord looks like, and we go over the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and what a Christian “looks like” (1 John).

Preachers’ kids can shut out the unfair expectations of others and investigate what God requires of them. How else will they develop a personal and deep relationship with Christ? I have no doubt that performing for church members isn’t the way.

12. Don’t Make Faith Look Like A Duty

Checklist Christianity. Honestly, I think I’d like that. Just complete the tasks for the day and get your gold star. Sounds simple enough to me! But that’s just works-based salvation with the fun of list making, not faith.

My husband and I synchronize calendars some weeks with a bit of trepidation because the tasks ahead seem insurmountable. Some days can feel like pushing through just to get through, you know what I mean? We have to get it done, so we do. Those aren’t the best days.

I want to express enjoyment and thankfulness in what our family does because that allows my children to see ministry as a joy and service to others as a privilege. On the other hand, ministry that goes through the motions appears dead to preachers’ kids and turns ministry into a drudgery.

13. Protect Family Time

The day, time, and place doesn’t matter. What does matter is that preachers’ kids get time with their family. Uninterrupted time. Dad can’t be on his phone constantly. Mom can’t be prepping something for the next fellowship meal. They need real and dedicated family time. Frankly, the whole family does.

I can hear it now. “We’ve tried that, but people keep calling and coming over anyway.” Remember when I talked about boundaries? This is one of those boundaries that a pastor must set. Take one day a week, if possible, and devote it to your family. Everyone should get a Sabbath, even the pastor and his family.

14. Let Them Develop Their Gifts

You know how some families try to keep their kids involved with the “family business?” Ministry families do the same thing sometimes. If dad is a pastor, then others are likely to assume one or more of the children will go into ministry. Talk about pressure!

The idea of a family tradition of serving the Lord through local church ministry is appealing and a sweet thing to see. I personally know multiple families that have generations of pastors, and it has been such a blessing to those families. It’s not for everyone, though.

God gives each of us gifts and interests that we can use to serve Him, but we need to foster those gifts in our children. Allow them to have their own identity outside of their fathers’ calling to ministry. God can use them in a mighty way even when they aren’t behind the pulpit.

15. “Preacher’s Kid” Is Not A Job Or Title

I have been very vocal about my thoughts on being a pastor’s wife. Essentially, being a pastor’s wife is not my job. I married a pastor. That’s it. Being his wife has afforded me opportunities to speak publicly and lead things I most likely would not have in other circumstances. But still, I am more than just a man’s wife. God has given me an identity in Him and used me in various ways throughout the years. The same is true about preachers’ kids.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard preachers’ children referred to as PK’s (preachers’ kids) as if that is a title or job position. Imagine living your entire life in the shadow of what your father does for a living. How can anyone thrive that way? I’m not saying we should never say “PK” or “preacher’s kid.” I’m all for some fun and joking, but this term can’t be a replacement for the child’s identity.

The pastor’s wife didn’t give birth to children so they could one day serve as the preacher’s kids. That is just an explanation of who they are in relationship to the pastor. I want my children to be seen as the individuals they are without my husband (or me) as part of the equation. I think they do, too.

Final Thought

I’m not highly experienced raising PK’s, but I’m trying to be proactive and help my children grow up in the healthiest environment I can provide. I know I can’t protect them from everything, but a good parent should try to do the best she can for her kids, right? So far, these are the extra steps I have applied to our lives…or at least attempted to apply. But I know I have so much more to learn in this area. Pastors’ wives, let’s keep communication open on this subject in our spheres of influence. There’s no shame in reaching out to help or be helped.

With that thought in mind, what would add? What can we do to lovingly raise and guide our preachers’ kids?

Image courtesy of Samantha Sophia via Unsplash.