Christian Romance: Live By A Higher Standard

He enters the room, and you lose your breath. You avoid making eye contact with him because he might see what you’re feeling. Your heart races and blood rushes to your face. He feels the same, and the next few weeks are filled with sweet words, intense feelings, and a great deal of physical affection. Sadly, the heat and excitement die down, and the connection you two shared becomes weak. This is the picture of romance we are given by American culture. It hits us like lightning, is mostly physical, and, like a cheap toy, can be tossed aside at any time. Christian romance, though, shouldn’t model what our culture pushes. Romance can be so much more.

Romance In The “Olden Days”

Romantic love has not always been as predominant in relationships as we currently see. For the record, I’m OK with romance. I certainly like it a whole lot more than some of the alternatives. I shudder to think who my parents may have chosen for me to marry. Let’s see how romance was done in the “olden days.”

The Middle Ages

In the Middle Ages, knights demonstrated courtly love toward damsels. This was an ideal that knights attempted to live up to, and it’s a good thing because this helped tame knights, making them more civilized.

Courtly love was exemplified by chivalry and respect for ladies from men. Um, that sounds OK to me. We see remnants of this today when a man holds open a door for a woman or picks up the bill on a date. Of course, feminists may feel like this is patriarchal behavior that needs to be destroyed. As for me, I’ll take it!

Tudor Period

At this time, society considered marrying for love to be foolish. Marriage leading to love was fine, but it wasn’t the point. So, why get married? Marriage’s entire purpose was to improve or ensure social and financial well-being. Generally, families put people together for everyone’s gain.

Everyone who lived in the Tudor period was not cold and unfeeling, though. Some of the greatest evidences of that come from the writings of William Shakespeare.

In his most notable story concerning lovers, Romeo and Juliet, two young people fall madly in love, despite disapproving families. This love, however, is more of an infatuation based on attraction. Juliet is engaged, but her overwhelming feelings for Romeo lead her to recklessly enter this forbidden relationship. The ultimate result of this “love story” is a double suicide. Ah, amore!

Shakespeare capitalized on the tiresome restrictions of traditional love customs and the natural sexual and romanticized feelings most people experience. Of course, he was a brilliant writer, but part of that brilliance was capturing the emotional experiences of his audience.

Love in the Elizabethan period may have been dictated by cold and societal arrangements, but people knew what it was to burn for someone.

Victorian Era

Formality defined romance in the Victorian era. A man couldn’t just walk up to a woman he found attractive to strike up a conversation. He needed to be properly introduced to her by a third party. Men and women didn’t date like is common today. Instead, they entered into courtships that were overseen by the female’s family and other chaperones. It sounds stiff and distant when we read about it.

On the other hand, the Victorian era gave us Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, and poems of love and loss by Emily Dickinson. These literary works serve as reminder that romantic feelings and longing were alive and well in a time we often look back at as prim and proper (though we can argue it was not).

Here’s a short poem from Dickinson on losing love.

“I held a Jewel in my fingers –

And went to sleep –

The day was warm, and winds were prosy –

I said “‘Twill keep” –

I woke – and chid my honest fingers,

The Gem was gone –

And now, an Amethyst remembrance

Is all I own –“

Emily Dickinson

Modern Romance

Romance in our modern era has been heavily affected by the media we consume.

Music

Songs like “At Last” by Etta James and “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton (or Whitney Houston, if you’re from my generation) instruct us that love is this all-encompassing, passionate, and perfect feeling. Music on the radio now has also added the message that sex is central to this love. Actually, sex is central to everything according to modern music.

TV/Movies

The Hallmark Channel has cornered the market on cheesy, predictable love stories. You know the story because writing a script at Hallmark is an exercise in painting by numbers. She’s a big city girl with an important business career. Then, she is forced into a rural area for some reason and meets a small-town guy she can’t stand. Blah, blah, blah…They fall in love and live happily ever after. And women eating chips in fuzzy robes on the couch rejoice over the romantic triumph they have witnessed.

We’re given the message to “follow your heart.” Thanks, Disney. A dream may be a wish my heart makes, but should I really be following that heart’s lead? I watch these movies, and I get the warm fuzzies when the couple gets together in the end. But the messaging is not really in line with Christian romance.

These movies and shows tell us that the goals are to be happy, fulfill our desires, and seek sexual gratification. The romance is focused squarely on ourselves. Romantic love, as far as modern media is concerned, is meant as a way to serve ourselves. And as we travel back in time, I think we see that romance always contained elements of selfishness and meeting sexual desires.

Christian Romance

Where do Christians fit into this puzzle? I’ve heard the accusations about us. I’m sure you have, too. “Christians are prudes. They only have sex to have babies. Christians pretend sex doesn’t exist, like a dirty secret no speaks aloud.”

Meanwhile, others suggest quite the opposite. “Christians are obsessed with sex, and that’s why they are so concerned with everyone else’s sexuality. Christian men are perverts who prey on women and girls. Secretly, Christians are doing things even I wouldn’t do.”

As usual, reality does not exist in the extremes. One thing the critics have right, though, is that Christians don’t approach romance like everyone else.

Christian Romance: It’s Not Frigid

Let’s clear something up right away. Most Christians with a healthy outlook on relationships and a clear understanding of the Bible view sex in a positive light. A romantic encounter is a beautiful thing, and God blessed us with bodies that can enjoy it.

Song Of Solomon

The Bible contains an entire book on this subject. Song of Solomon is a poem about the love between husband and wife. It has three main sections: courtship, the wedding, and the marriage.

We don’t hear this book taught often in church, but we should take care not to neglect it. In it, we see marriage between a man and woman, and the couple waits to consummate their relationship until they are married. (How counter-cultural today!)

Moreover, the writings in Song of Solomon can make you blush. The bride and groom speak frankly about their love, care, and attraction to one another. They are not portrayed as a couple whose sole purpose in lovemaking is to get pregnant or to just get through it because it’s what must be done in a marriage. They delight in one another.

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you. Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers.” (ESV)

Song of Solomon 1:2-4

She desires her husband-to-be. She longs for a physical expression of their love for each other.

“Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies.” (ESV)

Song of Solomon 4:5

The language here can sound silly to our ears because we don’t describe anything like this, let alone a woman’s body. Nevertheless, we can grasp what he is saying here. He’s a husband happily taking in the view of his naked wife. He loves and appreciates her body.

The Bible gives a picture of romance and sexuality that is anything but prude.

Christian Romance: It Isn’t Perverse; It’s Holy

Most people, saved and unsaved, can get behind a healthy sexual relationship, but creating boundaries around romantic sexual encounters is when people begin to feel attacked. It is offensive to those without a biblical worldview to hear that God has defined appropriate and inappropriate sex.

I think it is best if I just show you what God’s Word says.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

At Creation God made them male and female. This is the picture of marriage. A man and woman leave their families and join together as one flesh. This term is more complex than just physically becoming one, but it does encompass that. Sex is for man and woman in a marital relationship.

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

Hebrews 13:4

Christian romance doesn’t hop from person to person. All romantic attentions belong to the spouse, and all sexual attention and activity remains within the marriage.

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”

1 Corinthians 7:2

I recommend reading the entirety of chapter seven, but for brevity’s sake let’s only look at verse two. Fornication is sex outside of marriage. The Bible is clear that a Christian is to avoid sex with everyone except his or her marriage partner.

Additionally, and this is almost never a popular statement, the verse also suggests regular sexual contact with one another to avoid fornication. The Bible is pretty straight forward on this issue. Sex with your spouse only and regularly. What is regularly? Well, that’s between you two to figure out.

Note: This verse doesn’t mean an adulterer can blame the spouse for his or her cheating. We all need to take responsibility for our sinful actions.

Christian Romance: It’s About Love

Romance seems intrinsically linked to sex in our world. Love, however, is not always in the forefront of people’s minds when a sexual opportunity presents itself. When we think about romance, though, I believe love is a part of the equation for many. I wonder if the love is really love, though. Passion, infatuation, obsession, and arousal are frequently mistaken for love. I don’t blame people for making the mistake. I thought the same thing because that is how love is discussed. But I saw things differently after my salvation.

Christian Love

Romance is just a distraction in relationships when real love does not exist. It props up a shallow and selfish relationship that is made to look like love.

The Bible tells us what true love is.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Biblical love. It’s a tall order, folks. Read Ephesians to learn about a wife’s loving submission to her husband and his command to love her as Christ loves the Church (Ephesians 5:22-29). It’s a beautiful description of how a husband and wife can be a picture of Christ and the Church through their relationship. Speaking of which…

Love: The Ultimate Example

Who displayed love better than anyone in history? Jesus. 

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8 (emphasis mine)

“Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”

1 John 4:10 (emphasis mine)

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

John 3:16 (emphasis mine)

Jesus willingly sacrificed Himself for our benefit. He gave His life so that we could live for eternity with Him.

His selflessness, patience, kindness, and humility are perfect demonstrations for how we can love each other.

Final Thought

Men and women throughout history have struggled with romance. They have had to balance the societal expectations placed upon them with the fleshly desires of their hearts. I’d venture to say that not a lot has changed. We struggle to do what is expected of us while going after who and what we want. Our culture, though, has flipped the script on us. Rather than having a societal norm that is strict and attempts to reign in our sinful nature, society encourages us to live for ourselves and seek complete “sexual freedom” with whomever we choose, all while calling it “romance”. Ladies, we need to step up and stand against this.

Christian romance is about things like love, selflessness, care, and respect. It should focus on showing affection to our partner, not taking what we want from him. The world shows us a romance filled with cheap thrills, shallow relationships, and self. Let’s show the world that Christian romance is so much more than the world can offer because it is rooted in Christ. With romance, as in everything else, we live by a higher standard. God’s standard.

Do you see a difference between romance in the world and Christian romance? Tell me about it!

Image courtesy of Nathan Dumlao via Unsplash.