Can Your Husband Help Your Mental Health?

I’ve made it no secret that I have struggled with feelings of depression, dealt with a heavy amount of grief concerning my mother’s death, and faced a lot of hurt concerning a family history of alcoholism and divorce. Let’s just say that my husband took on a mess… He has been amazing, but as a conservative Christian I usually hear about how toxic Christian husbands are for their wives. Apparently, I’m supposed to believe that they are causing great damage to women spiritually and emotionally. Can we take a moment, though, and refute this accusation? A good Christian husband will help your mental health – not harm it.

Mental Health And Christianity

I’m really not trying to be controversial today, but mental health is a touchy subject in the Church. Some of y’all don’t believe in mental health while others believe it is the key to everything. I personally believe it has its place, yet it is overblown in modern society. I think no matter where you stand on this topic, you can take something away from this discussion.

For the sake of today’s conversation, I’m using the term “mental health” to refer to how we think, feel, and behave based on our emotional and social well-being. That still feels vague to me, but mental health just is vague a great deal of the time. So, our focus will be on one’s state of mind, feelings of extreme sadness, depression, and anxiety. In my experience, these are common problem areas for women.

We’ve All Been There, Right?

I’m writing this post in December while happily preparing for Christmas. I have a lovely family, great friends, and a church community that I can always count on. Not to mention, I absolutely love Christmastime. There’s something so special about this time of year.

Nonetheless, the holiday season has a way of turning sour and making me feel down. Undoubtedly, the reason is a mix of variables, but the three most prevalent being that I miss my mom a little extra, my relationship with my family is not what I’d like it to be, and I feel like a bit of a letdown to everyone around me. (“Merry Christmas,” she muttered to the empty room.)

No Stats Today, Folks

I’m working from anecdotal knowledge and personal experiences, but I’ll be bold and assume we’ve all been there, right? Ladies? Your reasons might not be the same, but I don’t believe I’m alone in battling complicated emotions, perhaps even mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm.

So many women I’ve known over these forty+ years have admitted:

“I’m disappointed in myself.”

“No one could be a harsher critic of me than myself.”

“I’m bad at everything.”

“My kids would be better off with a different mother.”

“How can my husband stay with me?”

These thoughts we have about ourselves are discouraging and sometimes dangerous. But Christian ladies know exactly what to do when these thoughts take over. Run, don’t walk, to the Lord. Pray. Dive deep into God’s Word. Turn to the Church for support.

The sad reality is that we don’t always do that. We suck it up, push it down, and steadily march forward because we must. Well, we think we must.

How Your Husband Can Help Your Mental Health

I try to be transparent at The Set-Apart Walk, but plenty of people miss the heart behind what I say. I’ve been accused by a handful of readers that I think I’m better than everyone else and use this blog to put show off. Nothing could be further from the truth. Case in point? Every statement above has crossed my mind at one point or another. And I have done exactly what I said…pushed on without reaching out to God or anyone. But do you know who noticed I wasn’t all right? Yup, my husband. Any decent husband knows when his wife is “off.” He might not know what is wrong in particular, but he will feel that something is not quite right.

Normally, I have a long list to share with my readers and steps to get things done. Not today. I don’t have a simple step-by-step guide for you. However, as women online continue to bash Christian men (I’m looking at you Sheila Wray Gregoire), encourage women to marry unbelievers (every Christian Facebook group I’m in), and divorce their husbands to be free from the strangling bonds of marriage…I’m going to point out what Christian husbands are like and how they help, not hurt, your mental health, ladies.

*All references are from the ESV.

Hebrews 13:4

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

I like to think of this as the bare minimum verse for husbands and wives. You’re married, so don’t have sex with other people. That should be a given. Can we take it a step further, though?

A husband who cares for his wife and wants what is best for her will reassure her that he desires her and her alone. He will show her through physical affection and by telling her. Sorry, guys. You might need to use your words more. That sometimes isn’t enough, though, for some women when they are struggling with mental health issues (i.e., anxiety, depression, etc.).

A Christian husband can support your mental health by leaving no room for suspicion. What business does any husband have privately texting women or hanging out one-on-one with female co-workers? Is there a need to hide a female friend from one’s wife? No. So, a husband ought to create boundaries with women that ensure his wife is comfortable and able to feel secure with his commitment and trustworthiness.

This subject riles some people up because they view boundaries between men and women as judgmental and indicative of an unhealthy marriage relationship. I say that those boundaries demonstrate care for one’s partner and acknowledge the need for any marriage to limit temptations.

Apply this principle now to a marriage in which the wife carries infidelity-related baggage. She may not think she needs her husband to go the extra mile regarding other females, but she may become overly anxious and constantly suspicious of her husband without those healthy boundaries.

Genesis 2:24

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Why do so many women detest their mother-in-law? I’m sure some are difficult to deal with, but I wonder how many marriages deal with overinvolved in-laws?

Genesis clearly describes leaving our family to begin a new one with our spouse. Easy peasy, right? Not always. Men are not always willing to stand up for their marriage, causing potential conflict with their parents and siblings. I get it. No one wants to have hard conversations with family, but problems arise when mom (or dad or sibling) and married man are too close. How close is too close?

Is mom making household decisions for the married couple? Does the married son call his parents for advice or to share good news before talking to his wife? Does the mom resent the wife and speak harshly to her? Is the married son allowing his mother or father to bully him into taking their side in disagreements?

“Yes” to any of the above questions is a red flag. A husband cannot fully join with his wife as “one flesh” when he won’t fully separate from mommy and daddy. This does a number on a wife’s mental health.

A New Family

I’ll speak from personal experience here. Let me preface this by saying my in-laws are awesome. I don’t have any complaints about them. However, my husband and I have had to make decisions in which his family has had preferences that contradicted mine. My husband has always had my back and never thrown me under the bus, so to speak, by blaming me for making something more difficult to plan. We’re a team, and what’s best for me is best for us. (The opposite is true, too.)

We’ve also encountered strong opinions about our choices, and I have never been concerned that he would be convinced to back out of our decision because of what a relative might say. I can count on him to love his family of origin while continuing to prioritize our family. It offers security and allows me to trust him even more. As a woman who has a bent toward being anxious and sullen, this approach to our marriage is refreshing and reassuring.

Colossians 3:19

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

What do I have to say to make that verse any clearer?

I grew up in a home with a parent who was regularly harsh and often unloving. It promoted fear, anxiety, and a terribly low sense of self-worth.

In my marriage, I am able to shake those feelings off and feel safe because my husband is gentle with me and self-corrects if his attitude comes across as too harsh. I feel protected, cared for, valued, and loved in my home. How my husband treats me allow me to feel at ease.

1 Peter 3:7

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

First Peter 3 has a similar message to Colossians 3. Husbands should treat their wives with care. Your mental health is safe in a marriage that promotes understanding and acknowledges that husband and wife stand as equals in their eternal value and salvation through Jesus Christ.

A safe and healthy marriage doesn’t create an environment in which the wife is “less than” her husband and whose needs are habitually ignored. It’s quite the opposite.

Ephesians 5:25-33

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

This is the big one. Frankly, this is ultimately how your husband protects your mental health. He is sacrificial with his love and loves you as much as he loves himself. A Christian husband spiritually leads and encourages you to grow in Christlikeness.

The Husband’s Impossible Task

Ladies, we are tasked with submission, but husbands are commanded to love their wives like Christ loves the Church! That is the perfect and unattainable goal for every Christian husband. Remember, Christ came to sin-filled Earth to live among us as one of us. Then, instead of getting to safety, He willingly let people mock Him, beat Him, lie about Him, and kill Him. He went through all that because He loves us, and without His work on the cross and the resurrection, we could never be reconciled to the Father.

Imagine your husband treating you this way. Can you picture a marriage that reflects the relationship between Christ (the bridegroom) and the Church (the bride)? Living in a home with a man who tries to see me like Jesus sees me removes a great deal of anxiety, self-doubt, sadness, etc. And as a spiritual leader, my husband points me to His Word when I need it.

Admittedly, my husband will never love me like Christ does. Neither will your husband or her husband or hers… But Christian men can demonstrate sacrificial love, patience, and understanding in a way that not only touches our hearts but also points us to Christ.

My Husband Is Nothing Like You Described

What if your husband doesn’t build you up, demonstrate patience, love sacrificially, and spiritually lead you? That’s a different topic altogether. But I would say this…not everyone who claims Christ truly knows Him.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’”

Matthew 7:21-23

Seek advice from your pastor or another spiritually mature Christian in your life. Your husband may not be saved, but there are instructions in the Word concerning unsaved husbands. If he is a believer, then there is a problem (and maybe sin) he needs to deal with to grow as a Christian husband.

God hasn’t made biblical manhood a mystery. It’s in black and white in the Bible. Don’t allow your marriage to be less than it can be, Christian.

Final Thoughts

For many reasons, our culture is creating dissatisfied, depressed, and anxious people. We have more than any generation before us, yet we are miserable. We are given constant advice to “take care of your mental health with self-care” (whatever that means). The goal, it seems, is to be happy and live your truth. And so often, living your truth and being happy means leaving behind your husband because he’s “toxic” and holds you back. Well, what if I said that your husband might be able to play a major role in supporting your mental health?

If a Christian husband obeys the Scriptures and is a biblical husband, then the wife’s mental health is far more protected than if her husband was ungodly. A solid believing husband can be such a help to your mental health, but let’s not get the facts twisted. Although I want to defend good men who love the Lord and support the women in their lives, I don’t want to give a false impression. The only One who can truly heal hurts, remove anxiety, and bring true joy in your life is Jesus Christ.

So, I challenge you to encourage the men in your life to be godly husbands who are supportive and sacrificially loving. Remind them to love like Christ when they need you to and praise them when they do well. Ladies, the first step to handling your mental health is to get out of your head, deal with any sin you may be grasping, ask your husband for support, and turn to the Lord.

Has your husband ever helped you with a mental health struggle?

Image courtesy of James Kovin via Unsplash.