Being The Invisible Wife

Former first lady, Michelle Obama, started a podcast this year. I’m not an Obama fan and haven’t gone out of my way to follow her new venture, but she continually ends up on my radar because she keeps saying things that upset people. Recently, Michelle Obama said something that struck me. She spoke negatively about being married to a well-known and popular man. She made herself sound like an invisible wife and happily grumbled about it. I’m here to say that politicians’ wives aren’t the only ones who can feel invisible, but there’s no need, ladies.

What Did Michelle Obama Say?

Michelle Obama spoke with her guest, Dr. Sharon Malone, about meeting at a dinner in D.C. when Michelle’s husband, former president, Barak Obama, was still a senator, and Malone’s husband was a lawyer in private practice. (He would go on to be the attorney general of the United States from 2009-2015.)

“There was a line of people waiting to shake hands with our respective husbands. You know, people, like, reaching over our heads and spilling water on us, trying to get to these two, you know, illustrious men…She had the same look on her face as I did, like, ‘Here we go.’”

Michelle Obama, 2025

In the story, Obama describes Malone and herself as “reluctant spouses.” These women may love their husbands, but there is clear resentment, specifically from Michelle Obama, regarding their husbands’ success and popularity. Rather than being his cheerleader, Obama rolls her eyes and distances herself from her husband’s success. Perhaps she’s a wonderful support behind closed doors, but she exudes a contentious and bitter attitude in public.

Can you even wrap your head around the idea of complaining about your husband’s enormous career and financial success? I started to feel a little holier-than-thou when I was listening to this podcast conversation because “I would never” be like her. But then I had to pause for a moment and reconsider. Maybe I would.

Your Husband’s Helpmeet

I know for a fact that in the past I’ve talked about the beautiful design we see in how God created men and women. Being my husband’s helpmeet is a lovely way to live. However, sometimes, my old friends, Pride and Covetousness, make an unplanned visit.

If a woman is married to a man who holds a position of prominence in the community or in a shared environment (i.e., church, work, etc.), she can easily feel sidelined. A woman like Michelle Obama is a great example. She was a successful lawyer, however, her husband’s ambitions have required her to sacrifice her career goals. Moreover, her successes were eclipsed by his own. I mean, being married to the president will do that to you. This happens on a smaller scale, as well.

In the Christian community, there are men and women who hold various titles and positions of power. A husband may be the pastor, worship leader, small group leader, Sunday School teacher, or frequent guest speaker. His wife, on the other hand, is behind the scenes, often unnoticed. She’s the invisible wife who makes her husband’s success possible.

The invisible wife exists in marriages when the husband is not well-known or particularly successful, too. Anecdotally, I’ve spoken with many women who have difficulty finding time for social engagements, personal doctor visits, and errands revolving around their wants. Are they that busy? Not typically. Rather, their husbands fill up their own time with little to no consideration for anyone’s schedule but their own. They have time for hobbies, errands, and pursuing their interests. Meanwhile, their wives have rescheduled their mammogram for three months because they need to stay home with the kids so the guys can play a few rounds of golf.

If It Don’t Apply, Let It Fly

I understand if you read that as an uncharitable view of husbands, but it’s what some husbands are like. This marital relationship creates an invisible wife in a way that is unarguably unhealthy. But not all wives who feel invisible have that kind of marriage, and certainly, not all husbands consistently prioritize themselves over their wives.

No matter the circumstance, feeling like an invisible wife is difficult and leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction as a wife and mother. What’s a woman to do?

What Is An Invisible Wife?

I’ve alluded to the meaning, and I think you probably understand what I mean without defining the term. Let’s make sure we’re all thinking about the same thing, anyway.

When I say invisible wife, I mean a wife who steps back (by her own choice or not) in order to let her husband shine. This woman often does a lot of support work behind the scenes for her husband with little acknowledgment. She may happily be an invisible wife who loves to be a help without a lot of attention. On the other hand, she may find herself wishing she was given the accolades and attention she believes she deserves. Being an invisible wife isn’t an inherently bad thing. It’s bad as soon as the invisible wife treats it that way.

The Three Triggers Of The Invisible Wife

When being the invisible wife turns sour, I see three main culprits: pride, covetousness, and rebellion.

Pride

When a wife looks at her husband’s success, popularity, and leadership as a problem in her life, there’s a flag on the play, am I right? If his achievements make her feel invisible, then something else is going on. Often, it seems, there is a root of pride.

She thinks too highly of herself and begins to question why he gets the attention and praise. In her mind, she does so much more than him, and she could do what he does significantly better. How come she has to take a backseat and watch him win? She deserves better. She deserves more.

A prideful heart can only harm our relationships, and it’s a breeding ground for more sin. And I say “more sin” because pride, ladies, is a sin.

How God Describes Pride

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.”

Proverbs 11:2 (ESV)

“Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.”

Proverbs 16:5 (ESV)

“Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, are sin.”

Proverbs 21:4 (ESV)

There are a lot more references to pride throughout Scripture, but these give us a clear picture. Pride leads to disgrace rather than wisdom and is an abomination to the Lord. It’s no wonder that women who allow pride to color their view of their marriages end up dissatisfied with the life God has given them. They’re forgoing wisdom and righteousness for a heart led by sin.

Covetousness

Pride easily leads us to covetousness. In fact, I’d say it’s almost impossible to battle one of these sins without finding the other is also present. Pride tells me I’m superior and deserve the best (as I see it) while covetousness leads me to desire the things others have and I think I deserve.

A husband’s life might look like everything we’ve ever wanted. As a housewife, I could be jealous that my husband is seen as someone with a level of authority, gets to publicly speak on a weekly basis, leaves the house whenever he wants because he’s often truly needed somewhere else, and is regularly sought ought by people for help. I could be jealous of all that. Thankfully, I’m an introverted homebody who is happy to hold down the fort for the good of our family and his ministry. However, sometimes, when I’m not in a great headspace, I can wish my life was as “important” as his. Fun Fact: It is just as important!

It’s so easy to want what we can’t have or to be who we simply are not. We think we deserve the great things our husbands have, but may I suggest to you that we wouldn’t want to have what our husbands have if we thought about it just a little bit. Your husband’s success, attention, popularity, etc. probably comes with a great deal of responsibility and cost.

Most importantly, though, is that we shouldn’t covet what our husbands achieve and receive because covetousness is also a sin.

How God Describes Covetousness

“Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:” (emphasis mine)

Colossians 3:5

“For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.”

Ephesians 5:5 (ESV)

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”

Exodus 20:17

Covetousness is described as idolatry in the Bible and it makes it onto the Ten Commandments. Even people who don’t know anything about Christianity still know about the Ten Commandments and how that list sets some sort of standard for life. So, you’d think Christians would actively avoid covetousness, but sometimes an invisible wife embraces it when she looks at the life her husband leads.

Rebellion

The final ingredient to our dissatisfied invisible wife stew is rebellion. Now listen, I’m not picking on wives or women, in general, when I call out a rebellious spirit. We all have a fleshly desire to rebel.

A pastor told me a story about our rebellious spirit that has stuck with me for more than a decade. He enjoyed going to car shows, but he noticed something about himself at them that he didn’t like. Sometimes these cars would be behind a rope and labeled with one simple instruction. Don’t touch. Well, can you guess what my pastor said he instantly felt compelled to do? You got it! He instantly wanted to touch the car. It is simply in our flesh’s nature to want to disobey and rebel against what we’re told.

As wives, we often fight against our God-given design. No, I’m not going to say you can’t have a job or hobbies. However, as wives and mothers, we have been created by God to prioritize our husbands and children above all others, except for God, of course. A wife is meant to be her husband’s helper.

God Says So, Ladies

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

Genesis 2:18

“For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

1 Corinthians 11:8-9

Oh, how feminism has taught us to push against this! Instead of ministering to our husbands and children, we look for ways to serve ourselves first. We desire to have what our husband has, but don’t we have it already?

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

As one flesh, my husband’s victories are mine, as well. We are a team, a unit. He and I seek out the same goals for our family, and that makes us want to encourage one another and cheer each other on.

I Need To What?

There are roles wives simply don’t want to play, but men and women are quite different. Does that not suggest we might have roles that play to our strengths? One such biblical role for women is *gulp* submission. Show me a woman who willingly submits with a cheerful heart, and I’ll show you a hundred women who will scream that submission is from the Patriarchy and refuse to accept it’s biblical. And yet the Bible says:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

Ephesians 5:22-24 (ESV)

She also needs to respect her husband. “But he doesn’t deserve it.” Well, if we’re going down the road of things we deserve, the inevitable conclusion would leave all of us punished in Hell for our sins. Let’s be careful about that sort of rhetoric. Besides, Scripture gives no caveat.

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)

No woman should ever be made to feel invisible and insignificant. I pray husbands see their wives for everything they offer to their lives, but we can’t allow pride and covetousness to turn into a rebellious and bitter spirit if we aren’t seen as we feel we ought to be.

A Gentle Reminder To An Invisible Wife

I experienced one of the most unexpected, and kindest, interactions I have ever had not long after my husband took his current pastoral position. This short but meaningful conversation is what brought the reality of the invisible wife to my attention.

My husband was at the church for a funeral service and reception while I stayed at home with our five children. At that time, they were all fairly young, and we decided they would be more of a distraction than anything else. The service was for a very young woman, and her loss left a great number of people devastated. The months and weeks leading up to her death were difficult, and my husband had met with her and her family quite a bit. I had the honor of meeting her once, and I can say, without hesitation, that she lit up a room and was genuinely sweet.

The kids and I had a late dinner, and I spent the day doing housework in pajama pants, a hoodie, and a ponytail. Who would see me, right? Umm, someone. I stared out the window over the sink while I did the dishes. Suddenly, I saw a car driving from the church and into my driveway. “They must think my husband is here,” I thought.

A Simple Thank You

I answered the door, apologizing for my appearance, and asking what I could do for my visitor. She instantly began thanking me for all that I had done for the family of the young woman who had just passed away. I was honestly confused. What could she mean? She explained that she knew there was no way my husband could have been as present with the family and able to minister as they needed him to unless I was serving him and the home. (I’m paraphrasing.)

I stood in stunned silence for a moment, and then I offered my rebuttal by insisting that it was nothing. But she wouldn’t have it, and she wanted to make sure that someone acknowledged and thanked me.

I didn’t know I needed to hear that until I heard it. In all seriousness, I hadn’t thought anything much about what I did at home or how I helped my husband. That was our life, and I was happy to do it. On the other hand, it felt so nice to be seen.

We Are Always Seen

Although it’s wonderful to be seen and appreciated by others, no invisible wife needs to feel invisible. She’s always seen. God sees everything we do whether or not other people take notice. Just look at Psalm 139.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

We’ve been made by God! He knew us while we were yet in our mothers’ wombs. We weren’t some accident or biological luck. God knitted us together. Such a picture of care and purpose!

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

Psalm 139:16 (ESV)

God knows us so well that He already knows the days of our lives. He knew them before we were even born.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.”

Psalm 139:17-18 (ESV)

These thoughts aren’t just any thoughts. David is writing of God’s thoughts about him. Have you considered that God loves you so much that He thinks about you. Friend, He sees you and knows you better than anyone. And even though He knows all the bad stuff, too, He is with you.

Final Thought

I understand how tempting it can be to look at your husband’s life, role, job, etc. and feel like you are completely lost in the shuffle. I’m married to that guy. He’s smarter, less awkward, way more likable, and is the one that people turn to when they need something. It sure would be easy to feel like I deserve the same position in our marriage and ministry. Feeling jealous would be a breeze. And don’t even get me started on the potential to seek ways to rebel against my role as a wife and mother!

Feeling invisible couldn’t be easier, and I imagine there are a lot more women out there who feel (at least sometimes) as if they aren’t seen or appreciated. Perhaps you only feel noticed when you don’t deliver as expected and are on the receiving end of complaints. May I challenge you with a thought? If you’re a Christian, you can’t be an invisible wife. He sees you, blesses you, and loves you. So, rather than focusing on what other people see in you, choose to do everything for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). His opinion is the only one that matters, and you already know He fully sees and knows you.

Do you ever feel like an invisible wife?

Image courtesy of David DINTSH via Unsplash.