An Unwanted Blessing: My 5th Baby

My youngest turned four years old this week. He is living proof that children are a gift from God (Psalm 127:3). My husband and I, as well as our other four children, adore him. He isn’t just my baby. He’s our entire family’s baby. And, boy, does he know it! In January 2017, however, I saw my son as an unwanted blessing.

Early Signs Of An Unwanted Blessing

By New Year’s Day of 2017 I was finished breastfeeding my youngest child. I had also begun taking fitness classes and losing some excess “baby weight.” My body felt like my own again, and my energy level was more normal than it had been in a long time. I was ready to have some fun and enjoy the freedom of a healthier body and the ability to hand my baby to my husband for longer jaunts of time because weaning had finished.

We took a quick two-day trip to Wisconsin Dells for some indoor waterpark fun, but my enthusiasm hit a speed bump on the drive. Car sickness was not new for me, but the level of nausea I experienced was unnerving. I shook it off, though, and continued the trip unfazed.

Our first evening was spent in an arcade, and I had our two youngest while my husband took the older two on go-karts. Suddenly, the sounds and lights overwhelmed my senses. I was hot, dizzy, and struggling to breathe. I thought I would pass out, but thankfully, it didn’t come to that. The rest of the trip was better, but my nausea continued to strike on every waterslide I went down.

The pregnancy signs were there, but it didn’t click. My youngest just stopped nursing, and besides, I had already decided that we were permanently done having babies. I looked forward to moving beyond the baby years, and I refused to entertain the idea of a future pregnancy.

Unwanted Blessing Or Just…A Blessing?

By the time we got home from Wisconsin Dells I couldn’t shake the feeling that we may be expecting again. So, I snuck into the bathroom after putting the kids to bed and dug out one of the many pregnancy tests I had stored away for a moment such as this. I figured the test would be negative and then I could relax.

I had only ever hoped to see two lines on these tests in the past. In fact, I had shed many tears over a single line, but this time I was praying for that negative test. As I waited, I felt more and more conflicted. I began to worry it really would be negative. Looking back I recognize that God was changing my heart on the matter. I didn’t hate babies, you know? Rather, I felt unprepared and scared of the idea of doing this all over again.

My timer indicated it was time to check. Two bright pink lines blazed across the test. I felt instant relief and joy followed by panic. “No! We’re done having babies.” “We can’t afford more children.” “Where am I gonna put this kid? There’s no room!” “I don’t want to do this to my body again.” “Oh no. What is Chris gonna say?”

Delivering The News

I didn’t deliver the news to my husband in a cute or romantic way. Instead, I just marched downstairs and thrust the positive test in his face. Chris reacted exactly how a husband should. He teared up as a huge smile spread across his face as he said, “Really? This is great news!”

Meanwhile, I was crying and explaining to him why we couldn’t afford to have another baby. Plus, I was simply too tired for another child. And the most unfounded fear of them all: What if I couldn’t love the baby?

Chris was calm, patient, and understanding. He listened as I unloaded my uncertainty, knowing I would arrive in the right place eventually. I understood the baby was a blessing, but I just didn’t think I could handle another blessing.

The Blessing’s Warm Welcome

My youngest arrived in the wee hours of the morning on September 16, 2017. (His due date!) He was a healthy, beautiful baby boy. The entire experience was wonderful. I arrived at the birth center in the midnight hour, and my son was born a couple of hours later. Around nine in the morning I was home and nursing my baby in my own bed.

Not long after that fearful night in January I came to terms with the pregnancy. Everyone I told was so excited for me, and that response encouraged me about the future. I had always loved this baby, but sadly, I didn’t immediately want to have another child. It’s an ugly truth. We can get so wrapped up in fear and our selfish wants that we can see God’s blessing in our lives and say, “nah.” I sought a supportive community, and, of course, I sought out the Lord. He softened my heart, showed me my sinful attitude, and he still saw fit to give me this little bundle of joy.

You might read this and think I am the absolute worst person. If so, maybe you’re a better person than I am and have never felt selfish. Maybe you live your life as one of those moms who enjoys every single moment. I struggle sometimes, and I think I’m not the only one. I have good news for anyone out there like me, though. God never wastes a struggle. He always teaches me through these times. So, bring on the list.

What I Learned From My Unwanted Blessing

1. I don’t know what’s good for me.

There’s a reason the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13) says, “thy will be done.” My will is usually out of step with what serves His purposes and what is best for me. When I was 19, I would have chosen to marry the pothead I was dating who preferred his friends over me. By God’s grace, I didn’t marry him and found my husband at a time in my life I least expected to meet anyone. God knew who was best for me, but I certainly didn’t.

In 2017 I would have chosen to have finished having babies, but then we wouldn’t have our son. He was an immediate fit for our family, and none of us can imagine a world without him. Frankly, why we would want to?

My mind turns to Isaiah 55.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

2. God is so good.

If I gave something to someone, something wonderful and unlike anything else in the world, and that person rejected it, I’d be furious! I might take it back. Maybe I’d break it. I don’t know what I would do, but I know I wouldn’t want to bless that individual anyway. She doesn’t deserve it. Ah, but this is where God demonstrates just how good He is.

The Lord constantly gives us things we don’t deserve. I didn’t earn my husband and children. God blessed me with them. My own merits haven’t provided for our needs. God does that. My son, though I didn’t think I wanted him at first, has proven to be one of the greatest blessings of my life. Every time I see him I see not only a gift from God but a reminder, as well, of how good God is to me despite how much I don’t deserve it.

We see His goodness best in His gift of salvation.

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8

3. God can forgive this.

About a month after finding out we were having another baby, I was 100% on board with the idea. I was genuinely excited and also weighed down by tremendous guilt. I felt like a horrible mom.

Thankfully, I didn’t need to carry that guilt around. God can forgive my sins. Every single one. All I had to do was call out to Him asking for forgiveness and acknowledging my sinful attitude and behavior. I was wrong, and I desired and needed His forgiveness. And He gave it to me freely.

“I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.”

Psalm 32:5

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John 1:9

Final Thought

Becoming a mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Given my relationship with my mother, I never expected to like being a mom, let alone be a good one. But I am a pretty good mom. I’m not perfect, but I’m doing all right because I have opted to seek out God’s wisdom rather than that of men.

Self-congratulating aside, I know I have failed in my duties as a mother over the years. I have turned away from who God calls me to be and cocooned myself in old habits and thought cycles. Nevertheless, the Lord stays by my side and welcomes me back to Him every time I seek His forgiveness and guidance.

And sometimes, He gives me priceless gifts. Happy birthday, little guy. You were never an unwanted blessing, just an unexpected one.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 127:3-5

Have you ever struggled with the idea of welcoming a new baby into your family?

Image courtesy of Joey Thompson via Unsplash.