How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Unrealistic Expectations

Is it just me or are the expectations around marriage absolutely unrealistic? I suppose we can blame movies, music, and romance novels. Though, something tells me that it is likely a little more complicated than that. Isn’t everything? No matter the reason expectations got sky high, it is hard to argue that women don’t march down that aisle dressed as modern-day royalty believing that this is the beginning of “happily ever after.” Heh, that’s cute…

Prince Charming Turned Out To Be a Regular Guy

My husband not only married a woman who has a hard time communicating, but this lucky guy also hitched his wagon to a woman who has terribly high expectations for everything. I’m not hypocritical about this, though, because I have set aside the highest standards for myself. And in case you were in doubt, yes, I beat myself up over falling short, constantly. The real struggle for me is to not place my personal standards on others. I’m so much better about this than I used to be, but there’s room for improvement. Like, so much room.

Imagine my shock as I settled into married life and prince charming left wet towels and puddles on the bathroom floor after showering. Or what about how he didn’t enjoy the same foods that I preferred? This man could not read my mind or meet my every unspoken want and need! Did I make a mistake marrying him?

My Ridiculous, Unrealistic Expectations

Chris, if you’re reading this, breathe easy. The answer is no. I did not make a mistake. I simply miscalculated my expectations as reasonable. The most ridiculous part of it all is that my husband is a top shelf husband. He seriously brings the goods to this marriage. If you know him, you also know that other than his penchant for leaving piles of stuff on communal surfaces (e.g., papers on the kitchen counter) he is pretty perfect…for me. So, what was he doing wrong?

Here’s some embarrassing expectations I had entering marriage.

1. We would never argue or fight.

2. He would just meld into my routines, habits, and lifestyle preferences. (I guess I figured he didn’t have any…)

3. We would always agree on how to best use our money.

4. I wouldn’t have to put any effort into our relationship.

5. We would want to spend all our time together.

6. I’d always feel that infatuation level of “in love.”

7. I would never feel lonely.

8. He would meet all my emotional needs.

9. He would make me happy. It depended on him.

10. He was my other half, in some ways my identity.

Most of that list is naïve and almost sweet. There is something innocent and hopeful about a woman on the verge of marrying the man she loves. In truth, my husband and I have had a wonderful marriage, and the issues we have dealt with over the years can squarely be attributed to me (except for the atrocious bathroom etiquette he had). But I would like to focus on the last four items on my list.

It’s Time To Change Your Expectations

Christians and non-Christians, alike, know that it is a terrible idea to rely on one person for emotional health, happiness, and identity. Despite that being glaringly obvious, a lot of women enter marriages and non-marital relationships with those expectations. Maybe women don’t realize they are holding those beliefs about marriage. I sure didn’t.

Fun Fact For You: Your husband is human. He will fail you.

Bonus Fact: You, wife, are human. You will fail your husband. I promise.

Armed with that information you can now drop any and all expectations that involve perfection, no struggle or hardship, and everything going your way. Forget about expectations that involve the words all, always, and never.

Marriage is marred by the fact that we are human and hindered by our own limitations. However, marriage is also filled with joy, successes, laughter, and intimacy. The best way to ensure your marriage is fulfilling and satisfying is to lean on the Lord above all others.

Don’t Put Your Husband First

Putting Jesus first, even before your husband, is the absolute best thing you can do for your marriage. As you grow closer to God and are in His will, then you’ll be more apt to be responsive to your husband’s needs and expectations. In a healthy marriage, this will lead to him naturally being more responsive to you. Also, he will look for ways to love and serve you if he, too, is growing in his relationship with Christ. However, if he isn’t responsive to you, there is no need to let that determine your emotional health, happiness, and identity.

A Christian woman’s well-being is rooted in the Lord, not her husband. I’ll say it again. A Christian woman’s well-being is rooted in the Lord, not her husband.

Let’s look at a few Scriptures.

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The Apostle Paul was telling the church in Corinth that he had an infirmity that he had prayed the Lord would take away from him. God’s response was not to take away the struggle, but rather to encourage Paul to lean into Jesus because His grace was enough to carry Paul through. Paul gladly bore the difficulties to have Christ nearer, be strengthened by the Lord in his trial, and to see His purposes accomplished.

His grace is sufficient.

“But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19

It is God, not your husband, who will meet your needs. Oh, yes, sometimes He meets your needs through your husband, but it is by God’s hand that you are cared for.

God will supply your needs.

“Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?”
1 Corinthians 3:16

By being born-again we have the Holy Spirit in each of us. He has sealed us as the promise of what is to come (2 Cor. 1:22). We are never out of the presence of our Lord. He has given us the Comforter. And John 9:31 tells us that God always hears believers who are in His will.

God is always with you.

Finally, look at Psalm 23. I pray your marriage is not like walking through “the valley of the shadow of death,” but God can comfort you and care for you even if it is! A woman who relies on her husband to be her all in all will have no choice but to live in disappointment and dissatisfaction. She is a woman who grows bitter toward her spouse and pulls further from him in response to her unmet expectations. That husband never had a chance because she put her hope in the wrong place. Her hope belongs with Jesus Christ.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still water.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil: my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Psalm 23

The Lord will take care of you.

Final Thought

I don’t throw all these verses at you to discredit feelings you may be having. Maybe your marriage is cold or undynamic. Perhaps your husband has committed sins toward you that have wounded you deeply. That is real, and you have no reason to pretend you have not been hurt or have been left wanting more in your marriage. But, Christian, where will you turn for healing and comfort? Who will you run to when you are in need? Not to man, but to Jesus.

How To Sabotage Your Marriage: Unrealistic Expectations

Prince Charming Turned Out To Be a Regular Guy

My Ridiculous, Unrealistic Expectations

It’s Time To Change Your Expectations