7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor

The pastor is held to an incredibly high standard, as he should be, and his vocation is typically unlike anyone else’s in the church he serves. Working alongside him is his wife. The pastor’s wife. She’s living the dream: a life defined by spiritual mountaintops and emotional bliss. Then, the blare of her alarm clock fills the air, and that pastor’s wife is transported back to reality. Being married to a pastor is a privilege and a significant responsibility. It’s not for everyone, and that’s fine. However, it is better to know whether or not ministry life is a good fit before you say “I do.” Let’s explore some of the reasons you shouldn’t marry a pastor.

I Did Not Marry A Pastor

I’m a pastor’s wife, but I didn’t marry a pastor. Instead, I married a special education teacher who loved the Lord and sought to serve Him in any way possible. My husband mentioned becoming a pastor, but I doubted he would really go back to school when he already had a career. Plus, “I wanna be a pastor” sounded as realistic as a little boy telling his parents that he wants to “be a rodeo space man.” The parental instinct is to pat that child on head and tell him, “Cool, buddy.”

My husband couldn’t be pacified. In fact, it was abundantly clear to even me that he had to be a pastor. So, I didn’t really choose to marry a pastor, but I chose to marry this man and support him. In that, I suppose, we can make the argument that I did choose to marry a pastor. I just didn’t know it at the time.

I saw the whole thing as yet another method of failure in my life. Oh, look! Another thing Julie isn’t good at… I knew enough pastors’ wives to know I wasn’t like them. My background was different than the ones I knew, and I was still so inexperienced as a Christian. Moreover, I could not play piano or sew. I mean, could my husband even graduate from seminary with such a deficient wife?

Not Everyone Dreads Marrying A Pastor

Over the years, I discovered my feelings on becoming a pastor’s wife are not a universal experience. Some, maybe many, Christian women seek out husbands headed for full-time ministry. This was a mind-boggling mindset to me but clearly common.

I’ve heard appropriate and lovely reasons for women to seek pastoral husbands. On the other hand, some reasons are naïve and others simply give me the ick. Most notable to me, though, is that some women don’t appear to rightly understand the struggles and challenges facing them which leads to trouble and discontent. Someone should tell these ladies.

Okay, I guess I’ll tell them.

Maybe You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You Want To Be Wealthy

Surprisingly, plenty of people believe pastors make an impressive salary. One of the most common criticisms about Christians and church membership is that the pastors are “stealing” people’s money to get themselves rich. I guess my husband is doing this wrong because “wealthy” isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe us. Oh, we’re not living in a carboard box and unable to eat, but we aren’t making that televangelist money.

We should all readily admit that there are “pastors” who are little more than grifters. They’re pickpockets with a staff, and they use the name of the Lord to swindle innocent people out of their money. Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland, Bill Johnson, and Greg Locke all come to mind. I’m sure you can think of some, too. However, those men aren’t legitimate pastors. Actually, most, if not all, are not legitimate Christians. But, man, do they hurt the Church’s reputation.

If you think marrying a pastor will bring you great earthly riches, think again. You might make a lot of money, but most ministry families I’ve met and statistics I’ve seen indicate money is often a struggle. More importantly, being in full-time ministry may not be right for someone who is particularly concerned with having money and things. The Lord, not money, should be our primary concern.

“But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.”

1 Timothy 6: 9-10 (ESV)

“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”

Hebrews 13:5 (ESV)

Clearly, the Word is warning us about overprioritizing and loving money. It’s an easy temptation to fall into which makes potential wealth a terrible reason to marry a pastor.

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You Desire Power And Influence

You must have met this pastor’s wife at some point. She’s the one who has to be in charge of every ministry, tells her husband how to lead, expects to be consulted about anything the women are doing, and bullies congregants when they don’t fall into line with her. Needless to say, she’s delightful…a real joy to be around.

The shepherd of the church, though, is the pastor. His wife is just his wife. You see, pastor’s wife is not an office in the Church. For some of you, that might be hard to read. I’m not trying to diminish whatever you do to serve in your local church, but I want us all to keep it real. The pastor’s wife is a church member and a wife. Even though she is married to the pastor, she has no biblical support for inherently having power and influence.

“For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.”

Galatians 5:13

With your freedom in the Lord, you are called to serve others rather than yourself. This is an expectation for all believers. A person in search of power and influence is rarely hoping to use their position for others. Just sayin’.

“For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.”

Mark 10:45

And of course, we should look to Jesus. He came to minister to us. He served us through His sacrifice. Service which requires great humility should be a driving force in our walk with the Lord. A desire for power and to influence others doesn’t indicate the right heart.

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You Think You “Deserve” It

As a young mother and new pastor’s wife, a church member told me that she couldn’t do the same things I did (i.e., abstaining from drinking, limiting media, going to church in the middle of the week, etc.) because she wasn’t super spiritual like me. Good grief! I wish I really had leveled up in my walk with the Lord just because of my husband’s job!

Sadly, plenty of women think they are married to pastors because they’ve earned it. They might not say it out loud, but they believe they’re better than the rest of the people in their churches. Somehow, they have been selected by their merits. It’s an ironic way to view one’s position because it’s the exact opposite of how we are saved. None of us are good enough to save ourselves, but supposedly, we can earn the roles God gives us through our spiritual works?

Ladies, no one is better than anyone else in the Church. Some of us might be farther down the road of our Christian lives, but none of us deserve special privileges or titles over others. The mentality that we are better than other Christians is rooted in pride. Of course, pride isn’t an admirable or desirable trait in Christians. It’s sin, and God hates it.

“The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate.”

Proverbs 8:13

“But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.”

James 4:6

Should a pastor’s wife be known for her prideful attitude and inflated sense of self? (The answer is “no,” but you knew that.)

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You’re A People Pleaser

I have never met a person who enjoys being disliked, but you shouldn’t marry a pastor if you honestly can’t handle it. No matter how wonderful you are, how hard you try to meet everyone’s expectations, and how good your intentions are, you will not please everyone. Generally, you won’t even notice. On the other hand, there are more colorful personalities that like to make their feelings on everything known.

Friend, the fact that you are married to the pastor will place a target on your back. Some folks are jealous, but most will believe you are not serving them or the church in the way they see fit. Trying to make all these people happy is a losing battle, and that battle will chip away at your joy. Don’t let it.

Keep your focus where it belongs rather than on the people around you.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Galatians 1:10 (ESV)

“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;”

Colossians 3:23

“The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.”

Proverbs 29:25

Minister to the people around you. Love those you serve. But focus on pleasing God.

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You’re Easily Offended/Hurt

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This was a common chant on the playground at recess when I was a child.

It sure is catchy, but it’s a lie. Words can cut deeper and leave more permanent scars than many physical attacks. The physical hurts from our past rarely keep us up at night or create a fear to be vulnerable enough to form meaningful relationships. Words excel at doing just that.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”

Proverbs 18:21

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 12:18 (ESV)

A pastor’s wife needs to let others’ harsh words and criticisms roll off her back. She needs to remember who she serves and be willing to continue ministering to those who offend. Certainly, someone can go so far as to need church discipline, but usually the pastor’s wife just has to take it. Take what?

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You Can’t Take Criticism About:

Clothing choices

Hair and makeup

Children’s appearance

Children’s behavior

Attendance at church events

Husband’s interactions with others

Ministry involvement

Friendships

Musical skills or lack thereof

Cooking

Leadership

Home’s cleanliness

Hospitality

There are even more things church people complain and nitpick about, but I’m sure you’ve got the idea now.

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You Envision A 9 to 5 Ministry

One of the first weeks at a new church, we had a surprise visitor. It was Monday morning, and all seven of us were packed up for a trip to the beach. As always, Sunday had been a long day, and we were taking Monday to decompress and spend some time together.

Suddenly, as we were walking to the door, there was knock. A local pastor, who I would have assumed would have known better than to show up on a Monday morning, decided to drop by and get to know my husband. My husband declined, explaining we were literally walking out the door at that very moment, but it was a picture of our lives in that snapshot of the day.

The phone rings before we’re out of bed some days, and it continues to interrupt us during dinner, important conversations, at the end of the night when we’re getting ready for bed. People who are out and about figure they better drop by to ask a question or share a thought. *Pay no attention to me in the kitchen pretending as if I have been awake for hours, too. (I woke when you rang the doorbell.)*

You might think I’m complaining, but I’m not. That’s pastoral ministry. My husband doesn’t have real hours. This makes having reasonable boundaries with our church even more important. Although I am not the pastor, therefore not the one with never-ending hours, this on-call lifestyle affects the kids and me.

Marrying a pastor means sacrificing guaranteed time together. Evenings are regularly given up because that is when everyone else is available, too. A pastor’s schedule requires his family to be flexible. It’s difficult, but these small sacrifices are worth it.

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”

Romans 12:1

I go back to that verse a lot because it is applicable in so many situations. In this case, your preference may be to live a “normal” schedule, but lay it on the altar, friend. You’re a living sacrifice. Or don’t marry a pastor.

You Shouldn’t Marry A Pastor If You Aren’t Confident In Who You Are

Remember I mentioned that target on your back? One of the ways that people will come after the pastor’s wife is to attempt to manipulate her. Unfortunately, some women pretend to be friends with the pastor’s wife to push an agenda, learn gossip-worthy information, or gain positions of power.

Not every pastor’s wife is self-assured and confident in what she believes. This makes her easy prey for those manipulative false friends. In addition, a pastor’s wife like this will be more likely to accept false teachers and begin bringing in unbiblical or questionable Bible studies. Everyone else seems to like Priscilla Shirer, Lysa TerKeurst, Joyce Meyer, and Jen Wilkin, why shouldn’t I?

You need to be firm in your beliefs and convictions, and you’ll also have to defend them. Be willing to stand unmoved among outside pressures and criticism. Plant yourself beside the Living Water, and know you are His.

Final Thought

It might seem like I am saying women can’t marry a pastor if they identify with any of these descriptions. That’s not my point at all. I want women to understand that to marry a pastor isn’t the same thing as entering a storybook love story. It’s difficult, humbling, and emotionally draining work. It’s also a privilege and blessing to live a life defined by ministry.

When I said these are reasons you shouldn’t marry a pastor, I meant these seven things will make it harder or might need to be dealt with first. So, think long and hard about what you are willing to do. God can make you an amazing pastor’s wife, but is that the choice you want to make?

Can you think of any more reasons someone shouldn’t marry a pastor?

Image courtesy of Frederick Shaw via Unsplash.