7 Ways Pastors’ Wives Make It Harder For Themselves

My husband has pastored three churches. All three have been Baptist. The first two were Southern Baptist, and our current church is independent Baptist. Each church has been conservative to varying degrees, and they have all been small churches in small towns. My experience as a pastor’s wife has been different depending on where we were serving, but the message was always the same from other pastors’ wives I encountered. They made it known these would be the hardest days of my life.

The warnings that some seasoned pastors’ wives try to pass off as advice are meant to help, but I often feel as if they are just looking for someone upon which to unload their grievances. I’d like to compare my personal experience with things I’ve heard or been told.

1. Pastors’ wives can’t have friends at church.

The friendship issue is real for many pastors’ wives. This claim is often rooted in caution, and the underlying belief is that no one at church really cares to know the pastor’s wife. “Friends” actually want to use you for counseling or gossip. In addition, church members may think you are a way to get their ideas to the pastor.

Sadly, some pastor’s wives have felt very real hurt and rejection from women they believed to be the closest of friends. What have I been told? Just be the pastor’s wife at church, and make friends elsewhere.

My Response

I won’t withhold true friendship with people in my church because they may emotionally wound me. I’m not looking to get hurt, but I need to be willing to be vulnerable to have any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone in any context. So, sure, I’ll make friends outside of my church, but I continue to foster relationships with my church family, as well.

“For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.”

Romans 12:4-5

As Paul says in Romans, these people in my church are part of one body, all serving a purpose. I need them, and they need me. Each of us having a role in the church is one of the reasons it can be so difficult and heart-wrenching when someone leaves the church. Even when it is under good terms, the people left behind feel the loss and acutely recognize the contributions that person made.

I’ll just add, as well, that pastors’ wives (in my experience) often come across a little cold. I have frequently felt like they were not interested in me, but they were talking to me because they should. I can’t be sure of what was going on with them. However, I definitely never felt like those women weren’t open or close to many, if any, people at church. Was what I perceived as a cold temperament really just a woman walled off from hurt…and friendship?

Julie’s Advice

Make friends as you would elsewhere. Keep in mind that you still need to keep certain things private because you likely hear things from your husband that are sensitive, secret, or simply not your information to share. Otherwise, open yourself up to real fellowship, vulnerability, and accountability.

2. For the pastor’s wife in a parsonage, it’s an extension of the church. Good luck with that…

Parsonage horror stories are incredibly common, and I heard a bunch before moving into the parsonage where we live now. So far, after almost two years, zero of those stories played out for me. Maybe my church is just that awesome. Well, yes, it is, but all churches can be.

The common denominator in the stories I heard from pastors’ wives was that their church did not see the parsonage as the pastor’s home. Instead, it was another area of the church. So, people would drop in at inappropriate hours, deacons would use a key and let themselves inside when the family was home, donated furniture was not allowed to be removed, and important maintenance issues were ignored.

My Response

Our church made it clear that this parsonage is our home. We don’t own it, but they want us to be comfortable. A parsonage is part of the pastor’s compensation, therefore, it shouldn’t feel like a punishment to live there. If you want to keep your pastor, then you should let them feel at home.

Julie’s Advice

Make it clear what your expectations are for parsonage living. Look at the parsonage before accepting the call to the church. Is it run down and poorly managed? The condition of the parsonage indicates how the church feels about the pastor.

You aren’t selfish or materialistic for insisting that you have privacy and autonomy inside the home in which you reside. Don’t allow a church to treat you and your family like guests in your home.

3. Pastors’ wives are unpaid employees.

Churches always need help, and volunteers seem to always be scarce. Natural leaders tend to step up in those times, and church members turn to leadership (and their families) when help is needed.

My Response

As with other things on this list, not all churches are like this. My church family never pressures me to do things I don’t want to do. At each church my husband pastored, we asked the same question. “What expectations does the church have for Julie?” The answer to this question told us a lot about the church. Two churches had no expectations, but one had very clear ones that I believe line up with what all pastors’ wives ought to see as their priorities. A pastor’s wife should be a(n):

– Christian.

– wife to the pastor.

– mother to our children.

– active member of the church who serves as she feels led to by the Holy Spirit.

Julie’s Advice

Say “no.” Your job is not “pastor’s wife.” Set up boundaries, and make it clear which things in your life are top priority. Listen to the Holy Spirit with regard to what areas you’ll serve in at church.

4. Pastors’ wives have to be perfect.

The expectations can get pretty lofty in some churches. I can understand, I think, where people come from with these ideals. Let’s look at a few verses about pastors.

“If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly. For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre; But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate; Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers.”

Titus 1:6-9

Wow! The bar is set incredibly high for pastors, and it is understandable that the women married to such men should have a level of expectation put on them, as well. If you look into the qualifications for deacons’ wives in First Timothy, you’ll find they “must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things” (3:11). Pastors’ wives ought to live by those expectations at a minimum, right?

My  Response

Let’s get real for a second. Nowhere in the Bible will you see the expectation of perfection put on any man or woman. Jesus, alone, can do that. On this side of Heaven we have to endure flaws and the battle with our flesh. It’s called being human.

Julie’s Advice

Accept you aren’t perfect. Own it. I don’t mean you should embrace sin or never strive to improve. However, sometimes haters are gonna hate. Some folks get petty, and we need to let that kind of thing go. Brush off criticism and don’t go out of your way to know what people might be saying about you. Show them how a godly woman responds to unkindness.

5. Pastors’ wives can’t spend money how they want.

We have all heard the stories of pastors getting a car or going on a family vacation only to receive side eye and whispers about how he and his family spent their money. I truly hope and pray that is not as common as it seems, but I wouldn’t be shocked to find out it is frequent fodder for church members.

My Response

Your family should model good financial stewardship. It reflects badly on your husband if he and his family can’t manage their money well. It also makes people question his ability to lead a church, especially in financial decisions, if his household wastes its money on foolish things.

However, when a person receives a paycheck, then that money has transferred from the employer to the employee. Technically, your church has no more to say on the matter. Also, they don’t know the ins and outs of your budget. Maybe that new car was a great deal, a gift, or something you have painstakingly saved for over the course of months or years. Everyone can have an opinion, but you don’t have to care.

Julie’s Advice

Be a good steward of the finances with which God has blessed you. On the other hand, you have not taken a vow of poverty, despite what it feels like some months. There is no shame in spending money on entertainment, trips, experiences, and things you want. As with all things, pray about how to spend your money, and move forward as you believe you should.

My additional thought on vacations, in particular, is that they are a necessity. Now, the extravagance of these vacations may be debatable. I mean, c’mon, you don’t need two weeks in the Bahamas, especially if you can’t technically afford it. Though, a little time away to recharge and connect with your family is a must-do for ministry families.

6. Pastors’ wives have one identity…pastor’s wife.

How many other professions refer to the spouse of that professional as “the so and so’s wife?” I never hear, “That’s Angela, the bus driver’s wife,” or “Have you met the baker’s wife, Melissa?” If I’m honest, I kind of like being called “the pastor’s wife.” Maybe I’m just hungry for attention, but I think it is because my husband and I wanted to serve in this capacity for so long that I feel blessed at every reminder. At the same time, I don’t want to be just that one thing, and a pastor for a husband can cast a large shadow in which to disappear.

My Response

Pastor’s wife, you are a pastor’s wife. Your husband is in a position that others view as important and that significance has spilled over to you a bit. I think that can be OK.

You might feel invisible to the church sometimes or one-dimensional. Well, it’s time to praise God again for His Word because He has something to say about your identity.

“Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;”

Ephesians 1:5-7

These three verses are loaded with encouragement. Believer, you have been adopted into God’s family. This was of “good pleasure” to the Lord. You weren’t added into the family out of some misplaced sense of duty. It pleased Him to accept you as His daughter.

You are redeemed through the unspeakable gift that was Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. You are forgiven. And it was all due to the favor God has bestowed upon you even though you didn’t earn it. That’s grace. God’s grace.

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 2:10

You are His masterpiece, specially created by God for good works. Pastor’s wife, that truth transcends any title man may give you.

Julie’s Advice

First, remember your true identity is who you are in Christ. Second, it’s all right to own the pastor’s wife “title.” It’s not your job, but it’s how many people will identify you. Lastly, if you want more identities, then create them. You are in charge of that. Don’t wait for other people to see you as more than you present to them. Find your passion, niche, side hustle, or whatever. Be who you are, and let people see it.

7. Pastors’ wives can only be happy.

This is a dangerous mentality to be forced upon pastors’ wives. There’s a small moment in a movie called Mom’s Night Out when a pastor’s wife, played by Patricia Heaton, is entering the lobby of her church. She has just dealt with an emotionally turbulent teenager, helped her husband with a clothing issue, and she is clearly dealing with a lot of complicated feelings. She stops short of the lobby, take a deep breath, and then bursts in smiling ear to ear while shaking hands and mingling with the church members. My heart sinks every time I watch that scene.

It’s true that pastors’ wives have the expectation of wearing a mask at church. She might feel “bad feelings,” but she must not show them.

My Response

Who says this is the way it needs to be? I think pastors’ wives do it to themselves! The more you hide your feelings, then the more people expect you to present yourself in that way. Frankly, it’s ridiculous, and it doesn’t help anyone. Pastors’ wives are church members and need to be ministered to, as well. How can anyone reach out to her when she stuffs down her needs to fit an unrealistic stereotype? Answer: They can’t.

Julie’s Advice

Stop pretending. Don’t come into church acting like an anger ball or uncontrollably crying. Just be honest. If your week was really hard at work, and someone asks how your week went say, “You know, work was pretty rough, and I thought the week would never end. I really needed this weekend. How about you?”

Not so hard, is it?

Final Thought

The theme of this entire post should be pretty evident by now. Pastors’ wives are human beings, and they are church members with the same needs and wants as everyone else. Churches don’t always seem to get this. They probably have a history of pastors’ wives who knocked themselves out playing the role. So, I kind of blame pastors’ wives for the less than ideal (how’s that for diplomatic?) treatment and/or expectations hoisted upon them.

Ladies, treat your pastor’s wife like a person. You know, because she is. Help her, encourage her, and let her grow in her faith and in Christ’s likeness the way you do…without commentary.

Pastors, your wife needs an ally. If you hear something said about her that is uncalled for, then step in and correct that. You should do that no matter who the gossip, mumbling, and grumbling is about. Though, how much more should you do it for your wife?

Pastors’ wives, you set the expectations. Don’t wear the heavy crown of the previous pastor’s wife. Use your strengths, your talents, and your gifts to serve. The church will never learn how to treat you and what to reasonably expect from you unless you tell them and show them. Have patience because change is hard, especially for churches. No matter what, though, don’t spend another day making things harder for yourself by allowing others to dictate who you are as the pastor’s wife.

Does your church pressure your pastor’s wife? Have you reached out to her?

Pastors’ wives, do you struggle with any of this?

Image courtesy of Naassom Azevedo via Unsplash.