7 Unrealistic Expectations Christians Should Forget Immediately

Expectations, in and of themselves, are not problematic, but we need to make sure they are based in reality. For Christians, this means keeping expectations grounded in God’s Word. For instance, believers rightfully expect Christ’s return (Luke 12:40), sanctification (1 Thessalonians 5:23; John 17:17), and persecution (2 Timothy 3:12; Matthew 5:10). Too many Christians, however, live by a set of unrealistic expectations which casts a dark shadow over their walk with the Lord. Rather than living a victorious and abundant life in Christ, they feel as if they can never measure up. But by whose standards are they trying to live? God’s or their own?

Where Do Unrealistic Expectations Come From, Anyway?

We aren’t born with impossible-to-achieve expectations. They develop over time, and they eventually grow into an ever-present burden believers drag along with them throughout their lives.

Misunderstanding

Some of these expectations come from a genuine misunderstanding of Scripture. We read something in God’s Word and then misapply it or overapply it. For example, Philippians 2:12 says to “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” Many (i.e., Catholics) take that to mean we need to work to keep our salvation. This interpretation conflicts with the whole of Scripture, and it requires more study than many are willing to do. Got Questions offers a fairly concise and simple explanation. Because this is not my focus today, I recommend you begin with that resource if you have questions on this topic.

I’ll just end by saying that the Bible teaches we do not play any part in our salvation (Ephesians 2:8-9).

Can you see how easy it is to read or hear something about Christianity and then walk away with the wrong understanding?

Other Christians

Unrealistic expectations, sadly, also come from our church family and spiritual mentors. Somewhere along the way these folks were taught how to be a Christian, and they think they’re helping you with their list of rules.

The most common example of this from my experience involves believers who were raised in legalistic homes. If not legalistic, then the homes heavily emphasized works and tragically downplayed grace.

Those who grew up in those homes live their adult lives in a constant state of guilt for not doing enough. They can’t stop doing for their church even when they physically need a break. Unfortunately, they use their own unrealistic expectations to measure the faithfulness and Christian lives of those around them. Thus, making themselves, and the believers in their lives, miserable.

As godly as your church family may be, you can’t take everything they say as fact. Ask yourself, “Is it biblical?”

People Outside The Church

It’s funny that people who say they don’t believe in God or attending church still seem to have very high expectations for how Christians should speak and behave. Suddenly, every unchurched person is an expert on the Bible and what it instructs believers to do in every situation, especially the scenarios concerning their favorite social justice issues.

I hope it doesn’t have to be said, but spiritual advice from unbelievers is nothing to get too worked up about. What can the dead tell us about living?

7 Unrealistic Expectations

In the end, where you learned to hold your life to unrealistic expectations doesn’t matter as much as the expectations themselves. Holding on to standards you can’t possibly reach can only take away from your satisfaction and hurt your spiritual life. I could never write a list that captures every unrealistic expectation Christians gravitate towards, however, I think these seven are a good place to start exploring this topic.

1. You’ll Always Be Happy

“God wants me to be happy.” Have you heard that before? Nominal Christians and unbelievers love to throw that into a conversation when it helps their case. It’s a nice thought, but where is this coming from? What’s the biblical support for this claim? I’ll save you some time and just tell you. There is none. So, God wants you to be unhappy? Nah. God wants more for us than to be ruled by emotions that can change from one moment to the next based on situations.

Joy

“Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.”

Philippians 4:4

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” (emphasis mine)

Galatians 5:22-23

“These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.”

John 15:11

Joy, not happiness, is an evidence of a true Christian, and we are also commanded to rejoice (putting joy into action). In many cases, joy and happiness are used interchangeably. It is inaccurate to do so, though. Happiness can be shaken and turn on a dime. On the other hand, biblical joy is unshakable and intrinsically linked to the peace and comfort we have with the Lord’s presence in our lives.

Let me give you a practical example. I am happy right now, but my feelings would drastically change if one of my children became dangerously ill. I would feel scared, sad, anxious, and overwhelmed. Perhaps, I’d even feel angry about the situation, asking God “Why.”

Meanwhile, in the midst of all that, my joy would remain intact. I wouldn’t rejoice in the fact that my child was ill, but I would rejoice in the Lord’s goodness through it, His comforting presence, His will, His love for my child and me…

Suffering

The other major opponent to happiness is God’s guarantee for believers that we will suffer. Christians should expect persecution, trials, temptations, and hurts in this life. For one, we live in a fallen world, so that all comes baked in the cake, so to speak. Secondly, God’s Word tells us to expect these things. Is it fun? No. But it is for God’s glory and our good. I won’t pretend that I always understand why something bad in my life must happen, but I trust the Lord and have faith in His will. Also, this is where that Christian joy can make a great deal of difference.

“Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.”

2 Timothy 3:12

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:10 (ESV)

“If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.”

John 15:18

“Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.”

1 Peter 4:16

The Takeaway

Christian, you won’t always be happy. God never promised it, and he certainly doesn’t expect it. You will experience grief, shame, disappointment, fear, and anxiety. I pray these feelings are fleeting for you because you take them to the Lord in prayer, but they will be a part of your life in some capacity. Rather than seeking constant happiness, seek joy and contentment in the God who saves. He can and will provide.

2. Your Kids Will Be Christians

Is there a deeper pain as a Christian parent than to watch your children reject Jesus? I’m not sure there is. My children’s salvation is a constant prayer in my life. Really, it’s a constant groaning in my soul. Nothing matters more to me for them than that one thing. Nothing else has eternal value.

Therefore, I teach my children about the Bible, take them to church, encourage friendships with believers, enlist possible mentors to invest in my children’s spiritual lives, homeschool using a Christian curriculum, and a whole host of other things. Why? I want them to see Christianity lived out in a real way (the good and the ugly), have access to biblical teaching, and to understand Christian and secular worldviews. But I don’t have a lifetime to do all this. Eighteen years is all I can reasonably count on as a mother. My husband and I want to take full advantage of the limited time we have.

All those prayers and years of pouring into my children are my responsibility, but they cannot save my children. If the gospel isn’t personal to them, then they can choose to walk away from what they’ve been taught.

Parents struggle to accept this, but it’s the truth. We all know solid Christian parents who have unbelieving children. In addition, we all know Christians who grew up in terrible Christian homes or even secular homes.

Salvation isn’t an algorithm we can solve for our children. It’s personal, and it is in God’s hands.

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.”

Ephesians 2:8-9

We can’t save ourselves, but Ephesians could also say “saved through faith; and that not of any person: it is the gift of God.” You didn’t save yourself, and you can’t save your children either.

The Takeaway

It is an unrealistic expectation to think you can make your child become a Christian. You can certainly play a role in a child’s salvation by training him up in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6), but his relationship with Jesus doesn’t rely on you.

3. All Christians Get Along

All Christians get along?

I wish! If you’ve been on X (formerly Twitter), or any social media platform, you’d know that’s not true. We should be unified and live in one accord if our essential doctrines align, but too many of us disagree about what accounts for “essential” issues rather than secondary ones.

Okay, we can accept some believers connecting online don’t have unity, but we might think that in our own local church all Christians will get along. These are the believers with whom we serve the community; They’re church family! I’m sad to report, however, that all Christians won’t get along in your church, either.

I’m not promoting divisiveness or favoritism in church. On the other hand, I am suggesting we live in reality. Church is filled with sinners, and sinners are going to sin. Yes, even you. Conflicts will arise due to clashing personalities, opposing agendas, sin, and any other human trait you want to stick on the list.

The Takeaway

When Christians don’t get along, the key is to handle it in a Christlike manner. Sure, it’s an unrealistic expectation to assume you will always hit it off with every believer you meet, but it is entirely fair to expect Christians to act like, well, Christians when they don’t get along. The only way to do that is to know what the Bible says about how we ought to treat others.

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Ephesians 4:32

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”

Luke 6:31 (ESV)

“Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;”

Romans 12:10

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”

John 15:12

4. You Won’t Struggle With Sin

My husband and I briefly belonged to a church with a small but bold group of pot-stirrers. They were so bold, in fact, that they held their own Bible study exactly when the church held its Wednesday night service. It wasn’t a secret, and they were excited to invite us to attend. (We politely declined.)

Anyway, during a Sunday School class, this group revealed that they did not believe Christians sin. I’ll never forget when one of the ladies disgustedly said, “I’ll never understand when Christians say they sin before their feet even hit the ground in the morning.” At the time, I was still fearful to state my opinions and share what I knew about the Lord because I felt insecure. But I assumed this woman just didn’t realize that we can sin with our thoughts, as well, and that’s easy to do before getting out of bed.

As it turned out the group understood sinful thoughts, so I was left scratching my head. Even as insecure as I was about my Bible knowledge, I couldn’t stop myself. “Doesn’t the Bible say we all sin, even believers?” I was met with looks of astonishment at the “lie” I had believed. According to them, a Christian can’t sin anymore because she has the Holy Spirit and we have been saved from sin. Not just the consequences of sin, mind you. We have been saved from sin’s existence in our lives.

I put up a pathetic fight, and then my husband quietly signaled to let it go. We discussed it on the ride home, and he explained that he’d known enough people like that to see that our conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere. Essentially, it was a pick your battle moment.

Later, I double-checked my belief. It’s in black and white, folks.

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”

1 John 1:8-10

First John is a letter to believers, so when John wrote, “if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves,” he was saying Christians commit sin. (To Clarify: That is not to say that we live in continual sin.) He also encouraged his audience by reminding them that the Lord forgives our sins. This pattern of sin, confess and repent, and forgive won’t stop until we are in the presence of the Lord.

The Takeaway

Our relationship with sin has changed and continues to change as we mature in our faith, but it is an unrealistic expectation to think you can simply never sin again in this life.

5. Christians Always Feel Like Serving

One of my favorite things to do is put on comfy pajamas, wrap up in a blanket on the couch, and watch I Love Lucy, Sense & Sensibility, or a silly rom-com from my younger days. Generally, coffee is involved and maybe some treats. If I were completely in control, it would also be raining or snowing…a lot. Interestingly, serving others is not in that picture of my “perfect day.”

Maybe I’m a horrible person who should care to serve others more, but I don’t think that’s the case. I enjoy serving. I serve as a wife and mother, a pastor’s wife, a church member, a friend, and a community member. Some seasons of life have emphasized one area of service over another, but I spend a great deal of time doing for somebody else. Guess what. Sometimes I don’t feel like it.

There are days in which a rainy day of literally doing nothing of value and indulging in my preferences is more desirable than making another potluck dish or counseling or serving as my husband’s unofficial secretary. Sometimes it’s sin. Other times it has more to do with avoiding burnout.

The Takeaway

A Christian who says “no” to an opportunity to serve is not always in rebellion. It’s unrealistic to assume believers always want to serve every time someone asks or suggests they do. You’re allowed to have boundaries in this area and take care of your personal needs. Take care not to use your freedom in this area, though, to stop serving altogether. After all, we are called to serve and do good works in His name (James 2:14-20).

6. Believers Do Not Experience Spiritual Doubts

The Church is a blessing, but it has made some really damaging mistakes along the way. One of the worst, in my opinion, has been to shut down people with questions and doubts. I’m not sure how church leaders thought that ignoring and never addressing church members’ questions would be helpful.

I haven’t experienced this as a born-again Christian, but it appears that a lot of people who grew up in the Church were taught explicitly or implicitly that questions meant they were not saved. Rather than addressing the questions, those seeking a better understanding of God were put down for asking.

Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett’s new book The Deconstruction of Christianity: What it is, Why it’s Destructive, and How to Respond addresses this problem. As some Christian circles refuse to confront questions and doubts head-on, young people in these churches are seeking answers elsewhere – social media. The answers our current culture provides to those with serious questions about God and His Word are more akin to an assault on the faith than a good faith exploration of Christianity.

We hope people see the lies our culture propagates, but it’s not likely when the only answers come from outside the Church. People have questions, and the evidence for that fact is all over social media, written in blog posts, and discussed on podcasts. Doubts are normal, but the Church, in its refusal to engage with them, has made believers feel as if they are unusual and problematic for needing answers to hard questions.

Please, don’t fall into that trap. Your doubts, concerns, and questions are a normal part of growing in your faith. The healthy way to respond to doubt is to face them and seek out answers from the only truly trustworthy source. The Bible.

Doubt And The Bible

A Psalm

In Psalm 73, the psalmist experienced doubt concerning his faith because what he believed didn’t appear to be what he witnessed in the world around him. He didn’t remain in his doubts, however. His crisis of faith led to a strengthened faith. Seeking Truth firmed his belief in our sovereign God.

A Prophet

Elijah offers us the quintessential example of a “mountaintop experience” on Mount Carmel. In 1 Kings 18, he challenged the prophets of Baal to display their god’s power, but despite all of their efforts, Baal accomplished nothing. God, on the other hand, displayed His power as soon as Elijah called upon Him, and then Elijah killed Baal’s prophets (hundreds of them). Elijah should have felt confident and undefeatable, but he quickly doubted.

Jezebel found out what Elijah had done, and she angrily vowed to kill him. Although God had just defeated hundreds of false prophets and protected Elijah, he quickly feared for his life and doubted God’s ability to get him through the hardship. In fact, he ran away to hide and asked God to just let him die.

“But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.”

1 Kings 19:4

God provided for him by giving him rest and food. Afterwards, Elijah was ready to trust in God for whatever lay ahead with Jezebel.

The Takeaway

Those are just two examples of doubt in the Bible. Should they have doubted? No. But as I stated earlier, believers will still sin. The psalmist was envious of the rich. Elijah allowed fear to overtake him and ran from God’s will for him. They were wrong to doubt God, but it happened. It still does.

Although their doubt appears to have come from a sinful place, it doesn’t always. So, no matter where your doubts originate, deal with them! Face your doubts, and know that He provides answers and hope. You just need to be willing to humble yourself in search of Truth.

7. Your Marriage Will Be Healthy

According to the Pew Research Center, 32% of separated or divorced people attend religious services at least once a week. If Christian marriages were guaranteed to be healthy, we wouldn’t see separation and divorce percentages that are in step with all society. Believers would have marriages that others dream of having. That’s not the case as often as we would like, is it?

Christians, just like everyone else, bring sin, experience, and emotional baggage into their marriages. Many of us were not taught how to nurture a marital relationship. Believers were told to wait for marriage to have sex and marry a Christian. Well, yes. Let’s do that, but then what? I wrote a series of posts on how to sabotage your marriage which includes the following topics: assuming the worst, screen time, comparison, money, unrealistic expectations, prioritizing the wrong people, and sexual intimacy. That list only consists of a few common mistakes everyone makes in marriage. Imagine how many more avenues we have to hurt our marriages!

On the other hand, believers have the best start to a marriage for which anyone can ask. We have Jesus at the center of our relationship. We also have clear commands and instructions for how a marriage should work (Genesis 2:24; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7; Ephesians 5:22-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7; 2 Corinthians 6:14). The problem comes in when we deviate from God’s plan for marriage. That, of course, always comes about from sin.

The Takeaway

It is an unrealistic expectation to believe two sinners will join their lives together and never hurt one another or harm the relationship. Some couples struggle more in their marriage than others, but no married Christian (with a few years under her belt) can honestly say she has never walked through a difficult season in her marriage.

As a Christian, you can have struggles and still maintain a healthy marriage, but not everyone will manage to do that. Sin, an unsaved spouse, an unrepentant spouse, and numerous other factors can lead to an unhealthy marriage. God doesn’t promise us a perfect marriage, so we can’t expect it to be a given. And no one else can expect that from us, either.

Final Thought

Being a Christian is hard enough without adding unrealistic expectations to your life. These expectations create a life based on works and constantly doing rather than on the saving grace of Jesus Christ which, as it turns out, will lead you to live a life in service to the Lord.

However, instead of always trying to live up to your identity in Christ, you’ll live out the truth which is that you can’t live up to your salvation. None of us can. All we can do is humbly follow Him in obedience, knowing that we will continue to fall short. But He will always be faithful to forgive and never forsake us.

What unrealistic expectations have you had as a Christian?

Image courtesy of Nick Karvounis via Unsplash.