6 Lies That Lead Christians To Divorce

I recently wrote about divorce and how to view it biblically. I did not condemn it or make a case for never seeking divorce. On the other hand, I did suggest Christians have adopted a secular worldview concerning divorce making them more apt to have one. We did all that work studying out God’s Word for today’s post. Now we have the foundation to use a discerning eye when we evaluate what the world teaches us on this topic. And what does it teach us? The world tells us lies about marriage and divorce, and Christian, I fear we believe them.

Divorce Lie #1: The children will be better off if we divorce.

This lie is my absolute least favorite. Full disclosure: I am a product of divorce. The story is long, painful, and multi-faceted like all divorce stories. No one person held all the blame, and my parents’ intentions were sometimes good and sometimes bad. One thing is certain. They had a terrible marriage. Maybe it wasn’t always that way, but I only remember a bad marriage.

My dad moved out on September 1, 1999. I was just shy of my 17th birthday, and their divorce has affected nearly every aspect of my life. Maybe I’m just weak, or I might be overly dramatic. However, according to all kinds of studies, I’m typical.

Physical Effects Of Divorce On Children

An article posted in July 2020, addressed the physical, emotional, and educational repercussions of divorce on children. Unsurprisingly, divorce causes a great deal of stress for children in these families. Stress is associated with a number of physical symptoms including (but not limited to) headaches, upset stomach, frequent colds and infections, and insomnia. Research also found that children from divorced homes were more likely to experience injury, accidents, and illness.

According to the research, children in an intact nuclear family are half as likely as those who are not in one to have a mental disorder or need professional psychological services. Let me say, there’s no shame in seeking help or having psychological diagnoses. At the same time, I don’t know anyone who is looking for an opportunity to be in that boat, either. Without a doubt, psychological distress and/or illness is an added struggle to a child’s life.

Emotional Effects Of Divorce On Children

Studies indicate the emotional strain children suffer from divorce carries on into adulthood. Kids don’t turn eighteen and suddenly experience no emotional consequences from the trauma of divorce. And yes, it is a trauma. Many people going through a divorce describe it as a death. No matter the circumstances, divorce is a loss and causes emotional pain.

Additionally, the distress from divorce leaves teens more susceptible to drug use, alcohol use, and a lingering fear of commitment into adulthood. On a personal note, I experienced someone else looking at me as person to avoid committing to. My college boyfriend’s dad told him I wasn’t marriage material because my parents were divorced, and that meant I would divorce, too. My boyfriend ignored the warning, but being seen as damaged goods broke my heart.

Educational Effects Of Divorce On Children  

Finally, grades for many children of divorce are lower than those of students from intact nuclear families. Thankfully, this is not true across the board. Some kids do fine in school. The children most at risk for falling grades are the ones who experience a surprising divorce. Sometimes parents hide the trouble until they announce the impending divorce. Other times, one of the spouses secretly sets himself up to leave and just suddenly moves out one day. Children in these scenarios have a greater risk of educational struggles.

Long-Term Outcome For Children From Divorce

An interesting article from June 2021 addressed an argument that some have made about black children. The position they take is that black children are less affected by the absence of an intact nuclear family. The Institute for Family Studies (IFS) investigated this idea, and the results were, as I see it, rather predictable. Although the outcomes of black and white children may not be identical, both groups of children fared better with both biological parents in the home. In particular, the outcomes IFS studied were poverty, time in prison, and college attendance. The results were that both black and white children in the study experienced less poverty, less time in prison, and more college when they grew up in homes with biological moms and dads.

Scripture

The Lord gives parents some instructions on parenting, and divorce makes these directions harder to follow. The best way to biblically raise your children is to live full-time with them and their biological father as your partner. Below are a few examples to consider. How much harder are these verses to accomplish when your family is split by divorce?

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Proverbs 22:6

“My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck.”

Proverbs 1:8-9

“And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Divorce Lie #2: Divorce will make you happier.

No. That is simply not true. You may end up happier after a divorce, but it did not directly lead to happiness. My mom, as an example, fell deeper into alcoholism and depression. The problem she had is the same one as everyone else. Divorce ended the relationship, but it did not repair the broken parts of her life.

Not to mention, not all people who divorce are glad they did. Oh, yes, they might have been thrilled to leave and start fresh. “Finally,” they thought, “I can be free of this person.” Later, however, they can feel regret and sadness over leaving rather than working on the marriage more.

One study cited in an article about happiness after marriage found that approximately 75% of divorced couples had at least one of the partners experience second thoughts about the divorce. Also, a study found about 30% of currently married people had considered divorce at some point, but approximately 90% of them were happy to have worked it out and not divorced. The grass isn’t always greener…

Scripture

As Christians, we need to stop seeking happiness. It’s fleeting and temporal. Happiness is no anchor for this life. Rather, seek joy in He who saves, gives hope, and offers true comfort.

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.”

Romans 15:13

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

Divorce Lie #3: We grew apart. (Also: We aren’t the same people we used to be.)

This is an interesting lie because it can be true. Actually, I kind of hope it is to some degree. I’ve been married almost twelve years. In those twelve years we have moved states three times, had five children, I became a homemaker, and we went into full-time ministry twice. No, I’m not the same, and I shouldn’t be. My husband has changed, too. It’s only natural.

At times we seem to be growing at the same rate in the same direction. Other times, I feel like he’s going down a path I can’t follow… (Name the movie reference.) Seriously, though, sometimes we are on personal journeys in which the other person is not a participant. Instead, we are cheerleaders. Step one is to stay connected and share your life with your husband even if one or both of you is going through significant changes.

What if you have been growing apart and pulling away? Is it too late? No! Marriage is for life, so you’ve got time to make it right. Do the work. That means sitting down and having the hard conversations. Tell him how you feel. Talk about your fears. Brainstorm together how to reconnect.

A Small And Simple Example Of Staying Connected

My husband does jiu-jitsu, and honestly, it bores me to tears. I find it silly, and I’d rather watch paint dry. So, of course, he loves it. I tease him about it (because we are that couple), but I support him. I don’t fight about spending money on the hobby or get angry when he wants to spend time reading and watching things about it. When he talks about jiu-jitsu, I listen. I even celebrate with him when he does well. You won’t find me at his classes, but I still want to know about it and not create a rift between us because he invests time and money into something I don’t care about. I don’t love jiu-jitsu, but I love my man. So, I let him change and grow in unexpected ways without allowing us to grow apart.

When we got married most of us said something about staying together for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, through sickness and health…until one of us dies. You promised that, but when someone matures and grows and changes you want out? Perspective, folks. Let’s have some.

Scripture

When your husband changes, it isn’t a sign of the end. It is another part of this life you have committed to with him. It might lead to adventure and unexpected blessings. On the other hand, it might lead to difficult days. Either way, remember these verses as you contemplate what to do next.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Genesis 2:24

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

Ephesians 5:22-24

Divorce Lie #4: He’s the problem in our marriage.

Yes. And no. Sweetie, with all due respect, you’re part of the problem in your marriage, too. We all have at least some iota of responsibility for the well-being of our marriages. So, let’s begin with being humble enough to recognize our own failings.

Being Christians, however, we understand the real problem in all marriages. Sin. We can boil it all down to sin. And no, we aren’t talking about his sin, alone. You have it, as well. OK, we’ve brought sin into our marriages. Throw up our hands in despair? Of course not. We deal with it.

Begin with yourself. Personally, I find it easier to begin with other people. I can see where they are going wrong, and I think I can fix it. That’s not the way, though. I can’t change him, anyway. On the other hand, I can adjust how I see myself and move forward with a better awareness of my sin and weaknesses. Next, it’s time to pray. We need to pray for God to show us how to be better wives, ladies. We need the Lord to show us the sins we have overlooked in our own lives.

Just be aware that God will show you your sin, and you will need to be open to making changes in your life even before your husband does. Take care of business between you and God before you go storming the gates demanding your husband improve.

Pray Like This, Not Like This

Then, we pray more. Pray for your husband. Not like this, “Lord, help my husband see what a jerk he has been. Show him that he’s lucky to even have a woman like me, and make him a better help around the house. It wouldn’t hurt for him to ask for a raise and spend some more time with the kids, either. You know, he needs to step up as a spiritual leader. Fix him, O Lord.”

Try more like this. “Lord, help me to show more understanding and grace toward my husband. I long for things to change in our marriage and home. Please, help me to get out of Your way as You help him grow in his faith and walk with You. I pray that I am able to be a godly wife who encourages him in his relationship with You, and thank You for the opportunity to choose to love my husband again today. Bless our family, Lord, and help us to be receptive to the work You’re doing in us.”

Scripture

The most convenient thing to do when things get tough in a marriage is to blame the other person. I get it. He’s done wrong. Keep in mind that you’re not perfect either, and go to the Lord in prayer. In the end, sin, not your husband, is where you bring your battle.

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;”

Romans 3:23

“Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.”

Romans 6:6

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”

Philippians 4:6

Divorce Lie #5: We fell out of love.

This lie sounds like it originated from someone who has seen too many rom-coms. Our current cultural understanding of love is incredibly off base. The thing we call love is better defined as lust or attraction. I would call my husband, Chris, the love of my life, but it’s not because I “fell in love” with him. Sure, I did. When I met him I went all weak-kneed and had the cartoon hearts floating out of my eyes any time I looked at him. But, you guys, that stuff fades. That initial rush of falling in love cools off and you’re left with reality.

Marriage doesn’t allow for us to remain in a romance novel forever. Bills need to get paid, babies get up in the middle of the night, and stomach flus happen. (Gross!) Life marches on, and the romance factor goes up and down as seasons of life change. Love, on the other hand, doesn’t need to be so finnicky. You’ve likely heard it said before, but it bears repeating. Love is an action, not a feeling. We feel romantic love, but real love is demonstrated through what we do and the choices we make.

Love In Action

For instance, my children are loud and like to be near me. I love them, but I also get overwhelmed by the volume and constant proximity. My husband, understanding this about me, takes all of them with him to activities and errands that don’t require them all to be there. Why? He puts himself out a bit in order to give me a break. He chooses to make his day a little harder so I can have it a little easier. That is an act of love. It may not be steamy and passionate, but it is meaningful, thoughtful, and loving.

We might feel out of love, but it is our responsibility as wives to love our husbands. Not to mention, as with many feelings, the out-of-love feeling will probably pass on its own. Practical advice can include remembering when you “fell in love” or looking back at old pictures of you two during times you think of as better. Also, you could choose to act lovingly toward him despite not really “feeling it.” His response to your behavior might surprise you. Aw man, I think I am on the cusp of recommending the movie Fireproof starring Kirk Cameron for a second post in a row!

Scripture

Let’s put love into perspective. Christian, the example of love is epitomized in Jesus Christ’s life and death. Live with Him as your example.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

John 3:16

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8

Divorce Lie #6: I married the wrong person.

No, you didn’t marry the wrong person. You can confirm this by looking at your marriage certificate. You left your parents, and you cleaved to this man. That is the whole of it. Maybe you’re having some buyer’s remorse, but he wasn’t the wrong guy. Part of the issue is that we know our partner but not everything until we live as a married couple. You might feel lied to when you see him in the exposing light of marriage. Turn that gaze back onto yourself, though, because you better believe that you’re not everything he thought you were. Or maybe you’re a lot more…if you know what I mean.

The other major component to this lie is the idea of soulmates. If you believe in soulmates, then sit down for what I’m about to tell you. Are you sitting? OK. Soulmates aren’t real. I know, it’s kind of a bummer to think you have this one special person you are meant to be with only to find out you could have made another choice entirely. But this soulmate idea is dangerous business.

“Soulmates” Is A Dangerous Idea

Searching for a soulmate leaves the door to divorce wide open. What if you meet your soulmate after you get married? No joke, I’ve heard people justify their affair and ultimate divorce because they claimed “s/he is my soulmate.” This isn’t even close to a biblical argument. Matthew 22:30 says, “For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.” We won’t be married after we die, therefore, the idea of a soulmate is just silly.

Simply put, liking someone else doesn’t negate your commitment to your husband even if you feel an immediate draw to the other guy. If anything, that’s a sign you should get away from him immediately and honor the man you married with your love and faithfulness!

Scripture

If your marriage is struggling, and you do feel like the whole thing was a mistake, then remember that God can take this marriage and work it for good.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

Finally, marriage is a covenantal relationship. You two have made an oath to stay together through this life’s ups and downs, and that is exactly what God expects.

“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

Matthew 19:6

Final Thought

The world constantly lies to us, and the lies advocating for divorce seem to have been an easy sell. Sometimes divorce is the only option left, but that just isn’t true most of the time. Our culture, however, has made divorce a symbol of empowerment for women. We show our strength by walking away and finding a man who deserves us. It’s a foolish message that I am confident Christian women believe in because any time someone speaks against divorce the response is venomous. Rather than look for reconciliation and strength in God’s Word, many Christian women are looking for the loopholes, exceptions, and justifications to leave. Well, the world has plenty of those to offer.

What if we looked for guidance on how to serve the Lord better, love our husbands, forgive, and accept that we will face dark days? Can we do that? Will we?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” (emphasis mine)

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Have you heard any of these lies? Do you believe any of them?

Image courtesy of Eduardo Sánchez via Unsplash.