10 Ways To Encourage Your Husband

Father’s Day is almost here, and I sincerely hope that people remember to celebrate fathers this year. Each year it seems like more and more women are trying to claim the day as their own because they are single parents. In addition, rather than be thankful for the men in their lives, women end up complaining about them. “He’s lazy.” “Fathers don’t help around the house.” “My husband is bad at (fill in the blank).” “Men are so childish!” I’m sure you’ve heard comments like these, too. I have an idea that might go against the grain a little but hear me out. What if instead of fault-finding, you tried to find ways to encourage your husband?

The Problem With Men

If you’re old like me, then you might remember a show called Everybody Loves Raymond. I didn’t watch the show faithfully, but I regularly saw reruns when a was a teen and young adult. Every episode had a similar plot:

Husband is kind of dumb and does something…kind of dumb (i.e., bad parenting, lies, forgets something important, behaves cowardly, etc.). Then, the wife ends up cutting him down to size and proving she’s the only capable adult in the house. The other men, Raymond’s father and brother, are often portrayed as perverted and dumb, respectively. 

The Everybody Loves Raymond portrayal of men has been around for decades now, and it plays a part in lowering the bar for men. Sure, it gives me a chuckle sometimes, but positive husband/father role models are few and far between. I don’t blame this sitcom for how we view men. Simply, it’s a prime example of how our culture represents men through media.

Mothers, how many of you have been praised for taking your children to the park or going grocery shopping with them? Almost none of you. In contrast, most of us know about instances where strangers practically throw a parade for a father seen in public with his own children. That’s one low bar, folks.

Somewhere along the way, the expectations have become so low that men are often not what women are really looking for in a partner and father to their children because they just meet the low bar’s requirements. What else would happen when we expect men to fail, and we do little to encourage them?

So, is the problem really the men, or is it more about how we treat them?

How To Encourage Your Husband

I can’t answer the last question. Presumably, the answer is far more complicated than “we set the bar too low,” but I think it’s a good place to start. As wives, we can encourage our husbands to be better husbands, fathers, and Christians just as they can encourage us. I want my husband to be the best version of himself because I know that is what our family needs, he wants, and God wants.

These ideas may seem simplistic, but they can be powerful tools in encouraging the men we love. And I think that we have been slacking in encouragement, ladies. I’ve heard my husband say that one of the most common things he has heard men report about their wives is something like, “I know she loves me, but I’m not sure she likes me.” Ouch! Let’s work on this.

How To Encourage Your Husband #1: Praise Him

Have you ever thought something nice about someone and kept it to yourself? I do it all the time! I feel awkward saying too many nice things to people, and I almost can’t handle it when someone compliments me. It’s not how anyone spoke to me when I was growing up, and it has been a long road to get used to it when it happens now.

None of that is an excuse, though, for denying my husband the blessing of hearing what I think of him. This is especially true when I am free with my criticism and correction. If all my husband hears is negativity or neutral words, then how could he possibly know how I feel about him? How can he feel reassured that he’s doing well.

A husband who hears words of affirmation from his wife can feel confident that he is meeting her needs, is valued, and should do more of what he’s already doing.

Offering praise is fairly simple. If you can only accomplish one of my suggestions, make it this one.

How To Encourage Your Husband #2: Speak Well Of Him In Public

This tip is like graduate level praise. Complimenting and thanking your husband is one thing, but doing it in front of other people is such a boost for a man’s morale. (A woman’s, too, by the way.) Bonus points to you if he overhears you. Isn’t there something so encouraging about discovering that someone speaks well of you even when you aren’t around to hear it?

How To Encourage Your Husband #3: Let Him Help You

Ladies, it’s all right to be independent and capable. My husband is very helpful, but he is also a full-time pastor which requires a great deal of his time and attention. I just can’t wait for him when I need to get certain things done. For the sake of the home, my children, and my sanity, I need to be at least somewhat independent.

Other times, however, my husband is available, able, and willing to help me, but I refuse his help. Maybe I don’t want to bother him or think it’ll get done “right” so long as I do it.

But I know he would like to step in and bless me by lightening my load. His blessing me will bless him, too. Allowing my husband to help me makes him feel loved, appreciated, and needed. What message do I send my husband when I make him feel like I don’t need him?

Encourage your husband by making him feel appreciated and needed. Let him help you.

How To Encourage Your Husband #4: Don’t Try To Fix Him

Some of y’all like a project, but your husband is not an old dresser in need of a fresh coat of paint. He’s a human being with a will of his own, and you need to accept him…flaws and all.

Don’t take this tip too far, though. If your husband is in sin, then lovingly tell him. I’m not referencing sin when I say “flaws,” though. Everyone has quirks, odd habits, and baggage. Everyone. So, don’t nitpick his every imperfection in some attempt to make him into the perfect man. One, it’s never gonna happen. Two, no husband wants to feel like his wife wishes he were a different man. Finally, three, take a look in the mirror. If you want to fix someone, ask God which areas of your own life need work.

Encouragement is loving your husband and standing by him. It isn’t encouraging, on the other hand, to treat your husband like a fixer upper.

How To Encourage Your Husband #5: Support His Dreams And Goals

Sometimes I wish my husband wasn’t such an optimist and dreamer. Nothing is impossible to this man. Meanwhile, everything’s a little sketchy in my eyes.

Most of the time, however, I see how well-suited our differing outlooks can be by how we complement one another. He opens up new ideas and experiences to me, and I prevent him from spending all our money on magic beans. We’ve got it down to a system now.

But if I want to see the wind fall out of his sails really quickly, all I have to do is step on his ideas. I never intend to hurt him or discourage him, but I think immediately reacting to his dreams and ideas with open skepticism can snuff out his imagination, confidence, and creativity. By the way, those are some of his best attributes. So, what can a wife do instead?

Dreamers and men with big goals and visions for the future might need to be pulled back into reality, but we can do that in a supportive way. First, just let him tell you all the thoughts he wants to share. Don’t interrupt. Just be open and hear him. Encourage his enthusiasm and passion.

Second, tell him what you like about his idea. Validate his excitement and ability to make it happen.

Third, rather than blatantly saying what you think is “wrong” with the idea, ask him probing questions to open up constructive conversations about his idea. His answers might surprise you.

Finally, be his support and show that you believe in him. This is the hardest part because sometimes it means potential failure. Following big dreams and pursuing new goals always have a risk of failure, though. Be there for him through it all.

Encourage your husband by being his biggest cheerleader and helper when he takes a step out in faith to pursue a dream. Don’t turn yourself into his adversary, helpmeet. Be on his side.

How To Encourage Your Husband #6: Show Interest In His Work

Usually, a large part of a man’s identity is his job. Not everyone’s husband has a career that is inherently interesting. I’ve been blessed in this area because my husband was a special education teacher, and I was formerly a school social worker. Our areas of education overlapped quite a bit. Then, he moved on to pastoral work, and I’m obviously interested in Jesus and our church. If he were an IT (information technology) guy, though, taking an interest would have been hard work!

My husband doesn’t always want to talk about work, but he knows that he can and I’ll (usually) listen with interest. I want to hear what he’s talking about because it matters to him, and he matters to me. Not listening to him and engaging with the things that take up the majority of his every day says, “I am not interested in you, and I don’t see our lives as one.”

Demonstrating interest in his work also expresses a thankfulness and acknowledgement of what he does to provide, or at least help provide, for the family.

Asking about his day, inquiring about his work, and showing appreciation for what he does will encourage your husband and let him know how you feel about him.

How To Encourage Your Husband #7: Invite Him To Participate In The Home

A common complaint from women is that their husbands don’t participate in the home. Either they don’t help out with chores and childcare, or they don’t spend time with the family. Each man is different, so I cannot speak for any man in particular, but there might be an explanation for this beyond “he’s a bad husband and father.”

Some men grew up in homes where the husband wasn’t involved in the home and family life. They didn’t see it, so they don’t know what they are doing isn’t ideal. Other men may not know what to do. That might sound crazy to you, but it is entirely possible that your husband isn’t sure where to plug in at home. Finally, I would ask you to consider how you react to his involvement in the home. Have you criticized him so much that now he is pulling away? Are you always correcting him?

If you want a husband who helps around the house and spends quality time with the family, then invite him in. And be specific. Don’t ask him to “help” or “pitch in.” Ask him to empty the dishwasher. Tell him you would appreciate help getting the kids ready for bed. Also, make plans with him in mind. For instance, tell him you want to take the kids to the lake and ask when would be a good time for him to come along.

Men can’t read our minds, yet we punish them for not knowing what we want without telling them. And when they fail to meet our expectations, we assume the worst possible motivations.

Instead, encourage your husband by ensuring he knows he is welcome, wanted, and needed in the daily routine at home and during quality family time. Make him know you don’t see him as just a paycheck.

How To Encourage Your Husband #8: Be On His Team

There are times husbands and wives cannot see eye to eye on things. Marriages go through difficult times, of course, and it can be a struggle to imagine things will be better. I wonder how many spouses end up seeing one another as foes in these hard times.

When things get hard, that’s when this tip matters most. When you got married, you promised to be together for the rest of your lives. The Bible describes the bond between husband and wife as being “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). We are one. So, how can we live as opponents? We need to be on the same team!

This is important in small matters, too, like when your kids want to make you and your husband disagree about something to get what they want.

Children: Can we stay up late tonight?

Mom: Not tonight, kids. We have an early morning tomorrow.

*Kids find their father in another room.*

Children: Daddy, can we stay up late tonight?

Dad: Um, sure. I don’t see why not.

Oh boy! Just wait until Mom finds out about this. Spouses on the same team wouldn’t let this rattle them. After catching up on what happened, the father would tell the kids to go to bed because they already had an answer from their mother. He isn’t going to step in and ignore her directions. On the other hand, spouses who see one another as opponents would argue about this instead of recognizing the kids tried to get one past them.

One couple can easily work through this small moment while the other is at odds before the argument even begins. Imagine how the adversarial model works out when the marriage encounters some real issues.

A husband wants to know his wife is on his team and that he can count on her to have his back. Being on the same team encourages your husband about your marriage and connection, and it also fosters a deep trust. He’ll know he can count on you in the good and bad, and I can’t think of much else that feels more encouraging in life than knowing my spouse is with me through it all, even if we are having some strife in our relationship at the time.

How To Encourage Your Husband #9: Let Him Do It His Way

The dishwasher. Ask ten people the “correct” way to load a dishwasher, and you’ll get ten ways to do it. The running joke in many marriages is how one or both spouses “fixes” the dishwasher when the other has loaded it. Generally, this is funny and doesn’t result in hurt feelings. But what else are you correcting your husband about?

God created women to be mothers and men to be fathers, and children greatly benefit from this arrangement. They need both because they have their unique approaches to parenting. For instance, my husband plays with our children quite differently than I do. I sort of cringe at it, to be honest, because I’m fairly certain something is going to break. I’m not sure what, but I’m thinking it might be our couch or child’s arm. You know what, though? My kids love roughhousing with their dad. He has his own way to build relationships with them. That’s OK.

In my marriage, I’m the planner. When we go somewhere, I have notebooks with detailed lists, times, agendas, etc. It’s helpful, and it has its place. Meanwhile, my husband’s approach is more like, “I’ve got the list in my head, Julie.” When he is in charge of a camping trip, for example, I sit back and let him run the show. It’s not exactly how I would do it, but I have to respect him enough to step back and let him lead how he feels is best.

Control freak wives, it’s time to let go. Show your husband you trust him and are willing to submit to his leadership by encouraging him to do things his way. I promise, you can do it, ladies.

How To Encourage Your Husband #10: Be His Person

When you’ve had the worst day of your life, who do you want to talk to right away? How about when something amazing happens? I hope, married ladies, that you are thinking about your husbands.

Now, think about this in reverse. If your husband passed a big exam or got a promotion, is his instinct to call you right away to rejoice with you? What if his friend was in a car wreck and rushed to the hospital? Would he turn to you immediately for comfort and support? He should.

Wives, we need to be the person our husband knows he is safest to lean on, open up to, and with whom he can be vulnerable. Another way to look at this is that we strive to be his home. Do you know that feeling after a long trip when you get home and let out a big sigh of relief and contentment? “Aaaahhh. Home…”

That should be what we are for our husbands. A wife is the safe place for a husband to turn to in all of life’s ups and downs. I can’t imagine how discouraging it must feel to a husband to have a wife who doesn’t want to be a part of his life or to stand with him in all things. I readily admit that I’m sure I have been that wife who isn’t as interested or supportive as I should be, but I earnestly pray that my husband doesn’t see that as one of my character traits but rather moments in which I fell short.

Encourage your husband by being there for him. He should have no doubt that you are available to him, ready to listen, and a person who will love and respect him enough to be there when he needs you.

Final Thought

Wives, your husbands need you. Men, especially Christians, are under attack in our culture. Masculinity is frowned upon, and men can’t ever seem to get it right no matter what they do. All the while, men are slinking back and being browbeaten by ultra-feminist Christian wives.

Whether your husband is the man you always dreamed you would marry or a husband and father who has a long road of improvement ahead of him…encourage him. Love him, respect him, submit to him, and let him know you value him. He needs to know you feel this way. Even those men who say little and hold their cards close to their chest want to feel important to you (and their children).

Your husband will be a better husband, father, and Christian if you lovingly encourage him. So, this Father’s Day, and every day, think about what you tell your husband through your words and actions. Are you building him up or tearing him down?

How else can Christian wives encourage their husbands? Let me know!

Image courtesy of Joe Yates via Unsplash.