Your Husband Won’t Be Everything

Recently, I’ve been rewatching Hallmark movies. (Stop judging me… We all have our thing, right?) I sometimes like to have them playing in the background while I’m folding laundry or doing some other domestic task I had put off for far too long. Anyway, I couldn’t help but see a theme. There were a few repeated themes, actually, but the idea that marrying that man would be the be answer to all the woman’s needs shines through quite a bit. Not to rain on anyone’s love parade, but your husband won’t ever be your everything. And that’s good. Sorry, Hallmark.

We Might Need Too Much

When my husband and I got married, I thought we’d be together all the time. Every minute. Always. And I was uncomfortable with him “pulling away” from me. You might be thinking that you would also be hurt if your husband pulled away from you or the relationship. Well, that’s fair, but my assessment of the situation was not.

Our relationship was in “deep peril” when he used the desktop computer in our second bedroom (with the door open), emailed or texted other people (really, anyone), participated in an activity without me, and had interests I didn’t share. I suppose what I’m telling you is that I was…not right in the head exactly.

Listen, I had a lot of insecurities from having a front row seat to my parents’ dysfunctional marriage and divorce, and I had created a picture of marriage in order to combat that example. However, that picture was hobbled together from rom-coms and Cosmopolitan Magazine. I expected my husband to be my everything. I believed there should be no need he couldn’t meet and that our existence should solely be for one another. *Insert barf emoji here.*

Sixteen years have passed, and I understand relationships much better. I’m still an only child, so yes, I need his attention to what I can only imagine is an annoying degree. On the other hand, we give each other space to be ourselves and the freedom to know neither of us can be all the things all of the time for one another.

I’m going to pull the curtain back a bit and tell on myself. I’m going to share below some of the things I realized my husband (and yours) is not.

Your Husband Won’t Act Like Your Girlfriends

My husband made a mistake while we were dating. Dating me? Sure, maybe. Pushing that aside, though, he willingly sat through hours of long talk sessions with my friends in the beginning. We dated while I was in graduate school for social work, and most of my classmates were women. Women going into some form of counseling. Oh, the amount of talking we could do! My husband, however, endured these never-ending chatty visits for me. That endurance eventually wore out, and he confessed how torturous five hours felt when all we did was sit and endlessly talk.

Even before marriage, I was beginning to learn that he could be a lot of wonderful things for me, but he’d never be my female friend. Obvious, isn’t it? You’d think so, but too many of us get angry when our husbands don’t behave exactly like our female friends. Shouldn’t we be glad our husbands don’t, though? God created men and women to be different, and generally speaking, men are less apt to enjoy gab sessions with the girls. So, don’t look to him for this or any of the other girly fun you crave. Instead, have girlfriends with whom you can have that social outlet your husband just won’t or can’t be.

Your Husband Won’t Understand Everything You Feel

Feelings. Men have them, and some have them in excess. Even so, they often don’t feel things the same way we do. I have walked away from experiences that left me angry and hurt, expecting my husband to “get it.” Ultimately, though, he needed me to explain it to him. Meanwhile, a girlfriend would immediately grasp my feelings without being walked through it. Our perspectives were similar, and we could easily walk in one another’s shoes.

My husband isn’t a dope or some unfeeling ogre. Simply stated, he just sees things differently than I do. Admittedly, his perspective, when I am ready to hear it, is often very helpful. Experiencing things differently doesn’t invalidate my experiences or feelings, but this does mean I may have to explain why I feel the way I do sometimes.

Even after explaining my feelings, my husband will hear me but might still think my reaction isn’t warranted. May I humbly suggest, ladies, that you learn how to agree to disagree? Your husband can love and support you without experiencing the world exactly as you do.

Your Husband Won’t Only Want/Need You

Woah! Slow down! That wording could have been better, and I could have changed it before publishing this post. But I don’t wanna…

Do you know how you need a thrifting trip with friends, time alone with a cup of coffee, or dedicated time to work out? Your husband desires those things, too. He doesn’t love you less because he is excited to go to a men’s retreat for the weekend or hunt with his buddies. Just as he can’t be your girlfriends, you can’t be the guys. Men need to be around other men. They need to pursue interests and challenge themselves. And, well, that won’t always include you. Be happy about that. It means he’s a well-rounded man who doesn’t treat you like an idol in his life.

Your Husband Won’t Read Your Mind

This one really grinds my gears. Doesn’t he know me well enough to read my every changing mood and fleeting thought? Ugh! Of course, we’d never say our husbands should do that, but we certainly act like it at times.

Dinner is a funny example. Instead of just telling my husband what I want, I expect him to know. I don’t even know a lot of the time, but apparently he should.

Silly little things like unspoken dinner dreams can pass by without much friction, but we can expect our husbands to intuitively know much more serious things? Do you tell your husband when he hurts your feelings? Is he guessing why you’re mad at him, or are you willingly telling him why you’re upset? Does he know you’re unhappy at work and want to change jobs? Are you hiding depression? We think our husbands should just know these things, but we are good at disguising the truth.

Besides, marriage isn’t a game, so why are we playing with these men like it is? You both win if you just say what you need to say.

Your Husband Won’t Meet All Your Emotional Needs

This isn’t an invitation to seek out another man to meet those needs, but it is an invitation to think about what your needs are and who can actually meet them. Usually, my husband is the only person in the world I want to go to when I need encouragement or a shoulder to cry on, but a woman needs another woman sometimes.

For instance, when I’ve struggled with feeling hypocritical or angry as a mother, I sought out other moms. Who understands being a mother better than another mother who has walked through the same thing? Sure, my husband can be there for me, but a friend, mentor, or spiritual mother might be what I really need.

If you’re feeling attacked and want to defend your husband, I’ll play along. Maybe he is nearly perfect and will meet 99% of your emotional needs, but friend, he’ll never be able to meet every single one every single time.

Your Husband Won’t Be Your Only Spiritual Influence

Is this a hot take? I don’t think it is, but I can also imagine fingers pounding the keyboard to remind me that husbands are the spiritual leaders of the home. Yes, I know.

“For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

Ephesians 5:23-27 (ESV)

“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”

1 Corinthians 11:3 (ESV)

I wonder, though, when the husband being the spiritual head of the home became, “women shouldn’t learn spiritual things from anyone else.” Is she meant to be left with no one to teach her if she’s married to an unsaved man or a man who refuses to spiritually engage with her? Should she not learn from her pastor? Is there no need for a spiritual mentor? Maybe she shouldn’t even bother to spend time reading the Bible herself, seeing as she relies on her husband for all her spiritual growth.

All right. I’m being facetious. So, what’s my point? Don’t slack off on your personal responsibility regarding your walk with the Lord. Your husband should be your home’s spiritual leader, but you must take an active role in your own spiritual growth. You’re not some mindless trophy wife who passively waits for her husband to teach her. You are a child of God with a personal relationship with Jesus. Your husband isn’t the gateway between you and God’s Word. Don’t act like he is.

Your Husband Won’t Replace God

The biggest problem for a Christian wife who believes her husband will be her everything is that she replaces God with him. She expects him to take over God’s role in her life, but he’s only going to fail. No man (or woman) can be what God can. Here are only a few examples of who God is that our husbands can never be for us.

He Is The Creator

“All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.”

John 1:3 (ESV)

He Is Our Advocate

“My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.”

1 John 2:1 (ESV)

He Is Our Refuge

“I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’”

Psalm 91:2 (ESV)

He Is Our Provider

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

Romans 8:32

“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19

He Is Our Redeemer

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Romans 8:1-2

“But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.”

Romans 6:22 (ESV)

Final Thought

The sooner we can let go of what our husbands aren’t, the sooner we can allow them to be what God made them to be in our lives. We married men, and like us, they are marred by sin in this fallen world. Even so, we shouldn’t view marriage as a loathsome duty to slog through until we are with Christ. On the other hand, let’s not ignore the realities in which we live. As you go through life with your partner, be prepared that he will be a human being and act accordingly. By God’s grace, however, you two can live a life worthy of celebration and picture Jesus and his bride, the Church (Ephesians 5:25-33).

Marriage is a gift from God that we should enjoy, but it comes with its challenges, to be sure. Don’t make it harder by expecting your husband to everything in the world to you. Expect him to be your husband. That’s exactly what he is. No more, no less.

What did you expect from your husband that ended up being unreasonable?

Image courtesy of One zone Studio via Unsplash.