You Received Bad News: Now What?

The thing about bad news is that we don’t always see it coming. Actually, we rarely do. And if we do have a suspicion that something bad is on the way, we almost never know when it’s coming or how bad it will be. That’s life, though. We can’t control these sorts of things, but all of us can do a better job with what we can control: our reaction. Bad news has the ability to draw out our deepest fears, doubts, and insecurities. Of course, that’s not how God wants us to respond. So, we got bad news… What do we do next?

A Not So Merry Christmas (My Recent Bad News Story)

All of my family lives in another state, so I try to visit with them around Christmas every year whenever it works for all of us. This meant that our latest visit to see my dad and stepmom was about a week before Christmas. Before I tell you about my bad news, I need to fill in some history for context.

A Quick History

I’m an only child with divorced parents. My dad left my mom at the beginning of my junior year of high school. After about a year and half, I moved in with my dad because of the unhealthy relationship my mother and I had. Back then I blamed my dad for the divorce, but I was willing to rebuild our relationship to escape my living situation. And my dad and I did repair our relationship, though, it was never the same.

The healed relationship I had with my father lasted about eight years. Then, I became a born-again Christian at twenty-six years old which created a huge gulf between my father and me. My husband and I stood on one side of the expanse, and my dad and stepmom were on the other. Our relationship fractured.

My husband and I have spent the last seventeen years slowly closing the distance between my dad and us. Today, I’d say we’ve never been closer since my salvation, but it is not that close. Communication is infrequent, and we receive a lot of rainchecks and “maybe in the next few months.” Conversations are often topical and we maneuver our way through them as if surrounded by landmines.

I regularly pray for my dad’s salvation, and I’m always counting on more time. He just needs more time, Lord. Give Him more gospel witnesses. He just doesn’t get it yet. More time, Lord. Please.

The Bad News Call

Back to the story…

My dad has a habit of calling at bad times. His convenience is often my inconvenience. To be fair, he and I are at different stages of life, and I’m not convinced there is ever a “good time” to call me. So, he either tries again in the next couple of days or leaves me a message for me to call back.

This particular call was insistent, and I realized I needed to answer immediately. As soon as I heard his voice, I knew that something was wrong, and my gut told me he was sick. I hate being right. Cancer.

We spoke for a while, and he answered all my questions to the best of his ability. I was left unsatisfied, though. Perhaps surgery. Maybe chemo. Might have been caught early. We’ll know more in the future.

My Response

I took the bad news as what it was. Inescapable fact. All anyone can do is march forward and wait for answers. Waiting is not my strength, though. Galatians 5:22-23 lists out the fruit of the Spirit. Patience makes that list, but I still struggle to consistently identify as a patient woman. I fear, for a moment, that my impatience is why God has allowed my dad to have cancer. Wait! That’s not how God works! Ugh! And am I really this big a narcissist? Your dad has cancer, and somehow you make it about yourself, Julie.

I managed to shake the intrusive thoughts and ugly self-talk while walking through the Christmas season as a pastor’s wife. (If you know, you know.) Staying busy certainly made it more difficult to think.

The Devil’s In The Details

As bad as a loved one receiving a cancer diagnosis is, it seems straightforward. No one likes to deal with it, but we know what to expect. Well, that’s what we think until all that waiting is finished and the answers clock us upside the head.

Our visit with my dad and stepmom was fairly normal, given the circumstances. My dad looked skinny and still a little jaundice, but he kept his smile plastered across his face. His wife, on the other hand, let the mask slip on occasion. Was he in denial or putting on a brave face? Was she the only one in the room who really understood what was happening?

My husband and I listened, asked questions, and tried to read the room the best we could. My dad talked about retiring in a few years and his upcoming travel plans. But all I was hearing was:

Rare cancer

Not a candidate for surgery

No chemo

Not involving an oncologist

Ablation

Then wait and see

There it was again. Wait. I don’t want to wait. Yes, they think they found the cancer early, but does that mean we need to take our time and wait? My dad doesn’t know You yet, Lord. Don’t make us wait longer. Do the thing You do. Save Him now. Really? Are both my parents going to die unsaved?

Yet Another Poor Response

We left with smiles and a minimal amount of outwardly expressed concern. We were two minutes into our drive to our next stop when my husband and I simultaneously exhaled. “What is going on?!” I was relieved to hear my husband was as concerned as me about my dad’s health. However, a small part of me wished he would have had a different response. I wanted to be convinced it isn’t that serious and I’m all wrong to be concerned.

I hope my dad’s cancer is much less severe than it sounds because, friend, I can’t stress this enough. I hate being right. Father, prove me wrong. Show me a beatable cancer and a man who will know and love You.

Our family headed to my childhood mall. It was always beautiful at Christmas, and I wanted to walk around and bask in the nostalgia. I was able to quiet my mind while we window-shopped and ate, but that respite didn’t last long. The ride to my in-laws’ house, our final stop for the evening, was an experience. I had two hours in a dark car to process the bad news from my dad before having to put on the Holiday Julie face. (She’s cool and nothing’s bothering her.) Like an ocean wave, I was completely enveloped in panic. My heart beat wildly as if it were trying to break free of its cage while my lungs opted to take a long lunch. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry. *tear slides down my cheek* Fine, but that’s the only one! Do. Not. Cry.

Eventually, the effort I put into holding back tears and inconspicuously steadying my breathing wore me out. Numbness. Then, we arrived at our destination, and it was time to celebrate Christmas.

Bad News Doesn’t Have To Be So Bad

I made bad news worse by reacting poorly. Typical me. I was already overwhelmed by December responsibilities, and I simply couldn’t carry anything else. Yet, I wasn’t given just anything. My only surviving parent has a rare cancer that is difficult to treat in the best of circumstances. And these circumstance ain’t great, y’all.

Grief. Fear. Anxiety. Sadness. These are legitimate emotions, and I believe it’s all right to feel those things, especially when bad news is first presented. Emotions are part of the human experience, but what do we do with these feelings? That’s what we need to take responsibility for and improve upon.

What did I do? I stuffed down my feelings, tried to control the situation, and challenged God on His role in all of this (among other things). Apparently, I think I know better. Obviously, this isn’t the best way to receive bad news, especially for a believer. And let’s be honest, this response only makes things worse. There’s a better way.

The Better Response To Bad News

1. Accept It

Reality is reality. We can’t change it, but we can take an active role in our response to reality. Why fight against what has already come to pass? Look ahead and take the next step.

2. Remember You’re Not Alone

The temptation to rush into a situation and try to fix it is strong for some people. *ahem* Me. *ahem* We try to take on the weight of every challenge all by ourselves. You can easily identify us in the wild. Just offer to help us in any way. The responses are automatic.

Oh, no worries. I’ve got it.

No, thanks. I appreciate it, though.

I don’t want to be a bother.

You know, I’m actually almost done already. I’ll keep your offer in mind for next time.

Fiercely independent. Stubbornly helpful and productive. Emotionally and physically fatigued. We’re a beleaguered bunch, and we so often try to put God on the sidelines while we roll up our sleeves and do it all alone. But no Christian ever has to face bad news or challenges alone. He’s right here with us, offers strength, and cares about our circumstances.

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”

Psalm 34:8 (ESV)

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:6-7 (ESV)

“‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’”

Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

3. Trust God

Rather than reacting with “Why, Lord?” when we receive bad news, why don’t we respond with “Yes, Lord”? Or “Help me, Father”? Or “Jesus, give me the strength and faith I need to face this”? Accusing God doesn’t do us any good, and it’s ridiculous, if you think about it, to point the finger at the God of the Universe.

Instead, we should have faith in His wisdom and plans. I’m not saying we should celebrate bad news or trials. I just mean we ought to know and truly believe God knows best.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

“The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

Psalm 9:9-10 (ESV)

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.”

Psalm 28:7 (ESV)

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

4. Pray

I hope this is your first response, but let’s get real for a second. We all know that sometimes it isn’t. Maybe panic strikes first? Denial? But eventually, let’s get to prayer. Talk to God about what’s happening. Yes, He knows, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t want you to talk to Him. God tells us again and again to pray.

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Philippians 4:6 (ESV)

“pray without ceasing,”

1 Thessalonians 5:17 (ESV)

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

Romans 12:12 (ESV)

5. Praise Him

Recently, my husband changed a few things up in the home. They are positive changes, but they “negatively” impact my daily schedule and strong preferences. I was very mature about it and confessed I was mad at him…then promptly went to sleep. I didn’t talk about it or deal with my bad attitude. Nah. I just dropped my bitter two cents and went to sleep. He married a charmer, eh?

I suppose I could have thanked him for the good he intended to do for our home or remembered the innumerable sacrifices he makes for the benefit for our children and me. Why do that, though, when I can focus on something that (probably unreasonably) aggravated me?

We do this to God, too. Life in this world is filled with sorrow, disappointments, and pain, and we mistakenly focus on those things. However, among all that, God blesses us every day in big and small ways. There is so much to be thankful for, and He often receives our scorn and judgment instead of the praise we owe Him. Even in our worst times, we can remember our perfect God and Jesus’ loving sacrifice for us. If we remember nothing else, we should always be able to remember God’s grace and have a grateful heart in response. As Christians, praise should never be far from our lips.

“Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!”

Psalm 150:6 (ESV)

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Colossians 3:16-17 (ESV)

“Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. “

Hebrews 13:15 (ESV)

Final Thought

Life isn’t always going to be what we want it to be. Even as believers, there will be heartache, hurt, and death. Personally, I’ve already lost a parent who, as far as anyone could tell, rejected Jesus up until her death at a relatively young age. I’m devastated at the thought of my other parent having the same experience, but even so, I need to step back and lean on God if I’m going to walk through this season as a representative of Jesus. He hasn’t abandoned us when things get difficult; He’s right here with everything we need. The question is, will be resist Him?

What else should we do when we, as Christians, get bad news?

Image courtesy of Justin Snyder Photo via Unsplash.