Yes, Divorce Hurts Kids

I’m currently the same age that my dad was when he left my mom and moved out. I was just shy of seventeen at the time, and I had a teenager’s understanding of how gigantic and life-altering that decision had been. Twenty-three years have gone by, and it is still one of the most impactful events of my life. Having a husband and children with whom I’ve built a life offers me a deeper understanding of how immensely difficult and painful divorce is for everyone. Adults and children. So, why do people act as if saying that divorce hurts kids is an antiquated notion of years past? I mean, doesn’t divorce hurt kids?

The World Loves Divorce

As I was researching for this post, and I was shocked at what my searches pulled up on Google. I searched terms such as “does divorce hurt kids,” “why divorce hurts kids,” and “the negative effects of divorce on children.” Most of the articles that popped up denied negative consequences for kids resulting from divorce. Some articles even proposed that there is a conspiracy of sorts to make married people believe that divorcing could harm their children.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by my search results, but I was. If you think about it, we already know the world doesn’t care too much about children. Nowadays there is a heavy-handed push to indoctrinate children into full LGBTQ+ acceptance which frighteningly includes encouraging them to accept themselves as the opposite gender. I’d love to say churches have no part in this, but it is all too common to find churches advertising themselves as LGBTQ+ allies.

Not to mention, although we overturned Roe v. Wade, women and government officials across the nation have continued the fight to make murdering babies in the womb an easily accessible right for all women.

The World’s Defense For Divorce

Article after article that I read wanted the reader to walk away encouraged about divorcing. Don’t believe me? Do a quick online search. No one is hiding the agenda any longer. The goal to normalize and support divorce was pursued and successfully accomplished.

The messaging is the same between sources:

“We deserve to be happy.”

“God wants us to be happy.”

“We must be true to ourselves.”

“We can only try so hard in a marriage.”

“Our kids will be better off if we divorce.”

That last reason really burns my biscuits, y’all.

Divorce Won’t Hurt Kids; It’s Good For Them

One of the most common refrains I hear from people who want to convince me that divorce won’t hurt kids is, “They want their parents to be happy.” Actually…

No, they don’t want their parents to be happy if it means destroying the family. Our children want us to be happy and married to each other. They want the consistency of a safe and loving home with two parents who they can count on to be there for them and each other. This pretty lie might make parents feel better when they split up, but divorce hurts kids whether we acknowledge it or not. Isn’t it better that we acknowledge it, though? For the children’s sake?

How Divorce Hurts Kids

Disclaimer: As I discuss divorce in this post, I am not referring to marriages with abuse. Wives need to physically remove themselves and their children from harm. End of story. My focus today is on typical, safe marriages that end in divorce.

Common Struggles

*You can read my post, 6 Lies That Lead Christians To Divorce for more information on the effects of divorce on the kids.

We should never neglect to recognize that everyone is unique and handles traumatic and emotionally charged events differently. Even so, study after study indicates the same negative effects that children suffer when their parents divorce.

Common examples of negative consequences kids deal with in divorce include:

Social/emotional struggles

Academic concerns

Depression

Insomnia

Difficulty making and keeping friends

None of these potential problems is guaranteed, but they are likely. Adding to the varied responses, no one can predict with certainty when issues resulting from parental divorce may appear. A child may display difficulty handling the divorce right away while others may find that the divorce has affected their ability to trust or has led to significant control issues in adulthood.

Divorce Hurts Kids’ Future Marriages

My college sweetheart’s father assumed that I would have some, if not all, of these struggles. He spent years encouraging my boyfriend to break up with me, and one day he finally said what he had been thinking all along. “Her parents are divorced, so she’s more likely to have a failed marriage, too.”

His father saw me as damaged goods, and I was so angry when I found out what he said. Although I don’t consider myself damaged goods, the assumption wasn’t all wrong. A longitudinal study shared in Psychology Today reported that if one person in a relationship came from divorce, then the couple experienced a 69% increase in the chance of divorcing. If both partners came from divorce, the risk of divorce increased by 189%. It seems like the odds were stacked against me.

The Lessons Divorce Teaches Kids

Watching your parents go through a divorce can teach incredibly damaging lessons. For one, divorce says we can back out of commitments when we don’t like how that commitment feels.

Second, divorce devalues marriage. It hardly feels like a sacred institution created by God when we watch our parents toss it aside. We can see this impacting marriage rates in the United States, and studies have found that parental divorce increases the odds of the grown child simply rejecting marriage as an option in her life.  

Finally, divorce teaches kids to serve self. The underlying message in many divorces is “I want something else, and I should take care of my wants and needs before anyone else’s.” That message isn’t inherently wrong depending on the circumstance, but divorce is generally a selfish business. Of course, this is said with the understanding that sometimes one spouse leaves and refuses to reconcile. The spouse who desires to remain married and work on the relationship is not the selfish one.

Our kids are always watching and learning from what we say and do. How are we training them? Are they learning God’s ways or ours?

“Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Proverbs 22:6

This verse is an encouragement for teaching our children about the Lord, but it should scare those of us who are teaching them to live by the world’s “wisdom.” Will our children “not depart” from the toxic teachings they receive from divorce?

Don’t Stay Because Divorce Hurts Kids

Now is a good time to clarify what I am not saying. I am not saying that because divorce hurts kids everyone should stay married just for the kids. I think we’ve all heard someone say he wants to end his marriage, but he has chosen to stay “for the kids.” Unfortunately, this usually looks like someone who is married by technicality more than anything else.

My Dad Stayed For Me

My parents had a terrible marriage. I don’t know if it was always bad, but it was bad as far back as my memory goes. My father confessed to me that I was the reason he had stayed with my mom so long. He was afraid he’d lose me if he left, so he stuck it out as long as he could manage.

What did “sticking it out’ look like in that circumstance? Well, it looked like it usually looks in any marriage like his. He went to work and interacted with my mom as little as possible. He was joyless, and I spent years thinking he didn’t like me.

As for the marriage, my parents existed as roommates. They didn’t yell. They didn’t fight. Our home was thick with tension. The floor was littered with eggshells. My mom and dad existed as two separate people with only me in common, and they were miserable. I was miserable, too.

Stay Married For More Than The Kids

Allow me to share a secret with you. Staying for the kids is never enough to make the marriage work. It’s just a ticking time bomb. Instead of focusing on the children, take a look at what you can do for your marriage.

Stop looking at your sick marriage as having only two choices.

1. Stay married…unhappily.

2. Divorce

Marriage, even healthy ones, take work. This is why married couples with no major issues read marriage books and go to marriage counseling. (Yes! They do!) Put in the work. A struggling marriage can bounce back. Therefore, rather than divorce or give up while staying, commit yourself to working hard to improve your marriage. It is possible to stay and be happily married again.

When I encourage people to “stay for the kids,” I am referring to working toward healing the marital relationship. The positive effects this will have on the kids cannot be overstated. This gives children a front row seat to forgiveness, humility, healing, and sacrifice.

As Christians, we ought to keep in mind the significance of our marriages and what God expects from us concerning them, as well. We are meant to stay married.

“And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him. And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you? And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.”

Mark 10:2-12

Is Divorce Really That Common?

The well-known false statistic gets passed around a lot. 50%. Common “knowledge” says half of all marriages end in divorce. This statistic was only a projection based on the introduction of no-fault divorce. Thankfully, we haven’t met that pessimistic prediction. The real divorce rate is closer to 30%. According to Got Questions, active church-going conservative Protestants are 35% less likely to divorce than those with no religious preferences.

Meanwhile, nominal conservative Protestants were 20% more likely to divorce. As Focus on the Family points out, only couples who are seriously committed to their faith have a lower divorce rate than the general population. If you had any doubts that American churches are dealing with divorce, let the stats speak for themselves.

And ladies, we are the more likely instigators! Studies show that women are more likely than men to end a marriage. “Why are they leaving?” you might ask. The Institute for Family Studies (IFS) claims that it boils down to women being fed up with men’s “bad behavior.” That may be true, but the reasons for divorce all boil down to one thing. Sin.

Why Couples Divorce

Divorce.com (a site I wish didn’t need to exist), cited thirteen popular reasons couples give for divorce. Divorced individuals said they ended their marriage because there was: too much conflict/arguing, lack of commitment, infidelity, lack of sexual and/or emotional intimacy, poor communication, domestic violence, opposing values/morals, addiction, no romance or love, one spouse carrying all the weight of marriage, money, young age when first married, and lack of compatibility.  

Literally, each reason for divorce in that list is sin or a consequence of sin. Some, such as domestic violence, unquestionably require separation. On the other hand, most of the others indicate a problem that the couple should deal with together such as poor communication or no romance.

IFS released data in 2003 from previous surveys in 1980 and 1997 and found the top four reasons couples reported for divorcing.

1. Infidelity

2. Incompatibility

3. Drinking/drugs

4. Growing apart

IFS conducted a survey in 2001 and found the top three reasons couple gave for choosing divorce.

1. Lack of commitment

2. Too much conflict/arguing

3. Infidelity

Let’s come back to the question. Is divorce common? Yes, it is. And Christians are dealing with it, too. It’s easy to tell ourselves divorce is best for us and our children. But that’s simply not true. Divorce hurts kids, hurts the divorced couple, and it is often out of God’s will and a consequence for our sins. For more on that topic, you can read Divorce: Looking Through A Biblical Lens.

Can We Protect Ourselves From Divorce?

We aren’t in charge of our spouse’s decisions. We can’t stop them from leaving us or committing a sin against us that ends the marriage. However, we can choose how we will be as wives, mothers, friends, etc. Here are a few ideas for how to safeguard your marriage against divorce.

1. Pray

Pray before you get married, and pray while you’re married. Ask God to give you wisdom and to guide you in your marriage. You’ll end up praying for patience, a gentle spirit, and grace-filled words a lot. Maybe just me? (I’m working on it…)

2. Pre-Marital Counseling

Don’t walk into marriage without having the tough conversations. Sure, you’ll never be 100% prepared, but it helps to know what challenges you will face.

3. Marry A Believer

A fellow Christian will share your values and, hopefully, your commitment to marriage. Not to mention the Bible clearly states who we are supposed to marry.

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”

2 Corinthians 6:14

4. Manage Your Expectations

Your husband is not perfect. He never will be. And guess what. You’re not perfect either. View your husband realistically and don’t set him (and your marriage) up for failure with unrealistic expectations.

5. Communicate

I thought my husband would just know everything I wanted and needed. It turns out, despite how well he understands me, I need to tell him what I feel, think, and need. When I wait for him to figure it out or run away and hide from an issue we need to deal with, it only hurts our marriage.

6. Don’t Get Lazy

Every marriage requires maintenance. Some of the saddest marriages I have seen are the result of a husband and wife who stopped trying to have a good marriage. They stopped taking care of themselves. Dates were a thing of the past. If given the choice between time together or anything else, anything else usually looked a little better.

Marriage doesn’t thrive, or even survive at times, on autopilot. Don’t sit back and cool your heels for the rest of your natural born life because there’s a ring on your finger. That’s not a real marriage.

7. Choose Not To Divorce

Some couples opt to never say the word “divorce.” It never comes up in an argument and isn’t considered as an option to solve a problem. These couples have agreed there is nothing that will stop them from fighting for their marriages.

Will your relationship be perfect if you decide divorce will never happen? No. But you’ll be secure in the knowledge that you two are committed to work through anything that comes up. You are choosing to be a team even when it seems like you’re on opposite sides of an issue.

8. Keep God At The Center

The greatest addition to any marriage is God. Don’t doubt that you and your husband will fail each other repeatedly in various ways over your lifetime. You will both be selfish, impatient, thoughtless, rude, and hurtful. Being a born-again Christian hasn’t made you sinless. That battle between your new nature as a believer and your sin nature rages on, though, let’s certainly hope it improves over the years.

Only the Lord can change your heart and enable you to be who you should be for your husband. Without God at the center of your marriage, you are relying on yourself. We need Jesus in order to bear good fruit, and that fruit is what will help us love our spouses as we should…with Christian love (1 Corinthians 13).

Final Thought

I won’t shame someone for getting divorced. A divorce, if done sinfully, is just as forgivable as any other sin. Additionally, not everyone who gets divorced wants the divorce. My goal today is to encourage married women and women who will one day be married to silence the lies the world pushes on us about how healthy divorce is for everybody. I pray that married women stop thinking about themselves and turn their attention back on their families, especially the young ones they are raising.

No. Divorce won’t make things better. No. Your children won’t be fine. Divorce hurts kids, and only a world that hates children as much as ours would try to convince you of anything different.

Are you a child of divorce? How did it affect you?

More About Divorce

6 Lies That Lead Christians To Divorce

Divorce: Looking Through A Biblical Lens

Image courtesy of Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash.