When The Church Hurts You

I got saved at 26 years old, and I had some pretty naïve and idealistic ideas about what being in a church would be like. Thankfully, I was correct about the potlucks. I’ve been to plenty of those over the years! However, I also assumed my church would be filled with like-minded lovers of Jesus who were all actively growing in Christlikeness. Imagine women in flowing dresses with wreaths of flowers in their hair while singing “Kumbaya, My Lord.” And the only tears would be tears of joy.

I don’t think I’m alone in having on rose-colored glasses when first entering church life. When the church hurts us, though, the idealized visions of the Church dissipate like the fog in your local megachurch’s auditorium on a Sunday afternoon. With the lights on full blast, we can see the gum under the seats and coffee stains on the chairs. Yes, our churches should be safe and represent Christ, but they are also imperfect.

My Church Hurt

My first few years as a Christian were fairly painless. I soaked up everything I could like a sponge, and any church hurts I experienced were insignificant and dealt with easily. Due to a long story worth of circumstances, we left the boys home we had been ministering at and moved back to the state in which we were both raised. My husband, Chris, had arranged to shadow and be mentored by the pastor in the church where he had been saved. Meanwhile, he planned to also attend seminary online.

It was in this church that I began to witness legalism firsthand and experienced church hurts that were more difficult to let roll off my back. I wondered if those hurts were accidental or perhaps intentional.

Eventually, we decided to leave so Chris could receive mentorship elsewhere, and so we could belong to a church we thought was healthy. The response was wicked.

First, the pastor told my husband not to come back. He didn’t want us to say goodbye or give a reason for leaving. He wanted to control the narrative surrounding our leaving. Second, the assistant pastor, who had also been the best man at our wedding, informed Chris through an email that he had instructed all the families who had planned to come to my daughter’s 4th birthday party not to attend it. They had also been discouraged from having contact with us.

We had been shunned, and the assistant pastor had weaponized the church against us through my four-year-old daughter. His explanation was simply, “you should have expected this.” All I could do was cry myself to sleep that night.

Why Do We Experience Church Hurts?

So, how does this happen? Why do we even have church hurt? My experience…your experiences… None of that should have happened if the Church is made up of believers, right?

I’d argue that why we get hurt in church isn’t exactly a mystery. Actually, there are a lot of fairly clear reasons.

1. Sometimes it’s our own fault.

Maybe we are too sensitive and take things too personally. Not everything is about you or me. Sometimes we can be too easily offended.

2. Not everyone in your church is saved.

This is an unpopular view to take, but the odds that every single person in our churches is a genuinely born-again Christian are infinitesimal. Don’t believe me? The Bible backs this up.

“Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (emphasis mine)

Matthew 7:13-14

“Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.”

Matthew 7:21-23

3. Hurting people hurt people.

We don’t always mean to, but when we are in pain, we can inflict pain on others. It reminds me of the man getting yelled at by his boss who comes home and yells at his wife. Then, the wife turns to her son and screams at him. The boy ends the chain by kicking the dog. People in pain often take it out on others.

4. Not everyone is self-aware.

We have all met this person. She says things that make people cringe. Meanwhile, she continues with no idea that she just said something inappropriate or hurtful.

After an early miscarriage, I shared with a woman at church that I was feeling relieved to have made it to thirteen weeks with the pregnancy that had followed my loss. She frowned at me and told me about her pregnancy loss at fourteen weeks. She meant no harm, but it upset me, nonetheless.

5. We are all sinners.

None of us are immune to doing and saying hurtful things. We focus on having been hurt, but how often do we ignore or conveniently forget when we hurt someone else? I believe it is usually unintentional or an impulsive decision to sin. On the other hand, there are people in the Church who seek to hurt individuals and even weaponize the Bible against others.

Consequences When The Church Hurts

Church hurts do a lot of damage. Yes, we are responsible for our reactions to our own hurt, but we are also responsible for the parts we play in hurting others. A Barna study that was conducted from September 2009 to April 2010 gives us some things to consider as churchgoers. Barna reported that 61% of unchurched adults consider themselves Christian. Fifty-three percent of those individuals said they had chosen to distance themselves from churches. Of those, 18% identified as born-again.

The study also revealed that of those Christians who chose to remove themselves from fellowship, women and conservatives outnumbered men and liberals. Most relevant to our conversation, though, is the revelation that 37% reported leaving the church due to church hurts.

In 2003, Focus on the Family found that 22 million Christians say they are committed to Jesus but left the church because of church hurts. The choice to leave all church fellowship is the wrong choice, but it is understandable when Christians do not know how to handle church hurts.

However, staying in fellowship isn’t always done correctly, either. When a believer does not properly deal with church hurt, she takes that baggage with her to new churches and into new relationships. Those undealt with past hurts can only damage future relationships and poison the church experience. This leads me to one of the biggest mistakes Christians make when there is hurt in the church. Ignoring it.

We Ignore When The Church Hurts

Good little Christians don’t complain. They forgive and forget. Full stop. So, what really happens is they don’t deal with it.

Stop thinking you have to ignore your pain. Feeling hurt is not sin.

Feeling hurt can get equated with being unforgiving. That’s possible. Every situation is unique, therefore, I can’t speak for everyone. But I do know being hurt does not necessarily mean you are not willing to forgive.

How unnatural would it be to look back at some hurts or traumas in our lives and feel numb about it? My mom was an alcoholic who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me growing up. Her manipulation continued into my adulthood. I forgave her after I became a Christian. Sadly, she died as a result of her drinking before we could reconcile.

That said, I do still feel sadness and hurt over these things sometimes. But feeling sad occasionally doesn’t mean I am in sin. It means I am a human being with emotions. It means I loved her and feel the consequences of her sin. But I have moved on with God.

Moving On With God

Rather than ignoring our church hurts, we should investigate what is at the core of those hurts. Are we angry, sorrowful, jealous, vulnerable, fearful, prideful, embarrassed, shame-filled, etc.? Ask God to show you what is at the bottom of your hurt and then find out what He has to say about it.

For example, if the hurt you feel is because your pride has been injured, then search His Word for pride (James 4:6; Romans 12:16). You’d quickly realize there is a heart issue you need to deal with before you do anything else with that church hurt.

What Would Jesus Do?

Now, let’s look at Jesus for our example.

Stoicism and stuffing our pain away may be the Christian way to some. It is almost like they think hiding our feelings is akin to holiness. That’s not how Jesus acted, though.

Jesus:

cried. (John 11:35)

experienced frustration. (Matthew 17:14-17)

felt anger. (Matthew 21:12-13)

Jesus displayed emotions and experienced feelings. So can we. And we should.

Church Hurts Tempt Us To Sin

Our response to hurt is not always productive, kind, or reflective of Christ. We are tempted to speak ill of the people who hurt us, to leave church completely, to hold onto grudges, and to outright treat people poorly.

I’ve personally witnessed people we relied on suddenly stop showing up to a ministry because they had hurt feelings. No explanation. No heads-up. That response to hurt was hurting others, even an entire ministry.

…But Don’t

Anytime we react in sin, we move away from God. Instead, we can take the opportunity to move closer to Him as we deal with our hurt. This allows us to receive His comfort and grow in godly character.

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” (emphasis mine)

Romans 5:3-5

In addition to moving away from God, another temptation to avoid is processing your hurt on a public forum like social media. There is no need to cause further hurts and offenses. Instead, we should continue to show kindness and forgiveness to the offender rather than getting back at her.

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”

Romans 12:19

Lastly, don’t give into the temptation to quit church! It’s so common now for alleged Christians to say I love Jesus just not the Church. I’m here to tell you that you can’t love Jesus but not love His followers. Those are your brothers and sisters, like it or not.

I have to concede, however, that some churches are unhealthy. Leaving a particular church, though it shouldn’t be done lightly, is completely reasonable. I encourage you to find a healthy church. Just don’t expect to never be hurt there. Church hurts will happen no matter where you attend.

Remember How God Sees Us

So, how to we get over our church hurts? One key to overcome hurt in the church is to think about how God sees His people.

1. We are a set-apart priesthood

“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;”

1 Peter 2:9

2. His Bride

“Let us be glad and rejoice and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.”

Revelation 19:7-8

3. An essential part of a body

“For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ.”

1 Corinthians 12:12

4. Citizens of Heaven

“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,”

Philippians 3:20 (ESV)

5. Sealed with the Holy Spirit

“In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise,”

Ephesians 1:13

Believer, you are all those things. When you experience church hurts, comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are His. But I implore you to remember this: God sees that Christian who hurt you exactly the same way. We are equal at the cross and all saved by the same grace. Even when we are hurt, we can only do ourselves and others good by treating other believers like they are who God says they are. You glorify God when you do this.

The other key to overcoming church hurt is to remember who God is.

Remember Who God Is When The Church Hurts You

Our reaction to hurt can be unreasonable at times, and one common response to hurt from Christians is to blame God. God has not sinned against you, and he does not cause people to sin. Don’t forget that He is the one who has planned a way to rescue you from the bondage of sin and its eternal consequences.

He Will Bring About Justice

Remember, God delivers justice. So, praise Him, even in the hard times and remember He walks with you. Our God cares for us, and He will deal with those He must in His time and in His way. But, even with that knowledge, it’s hard to see people do something awful and never get their comeuppance.

(Spoiler alert for a movie released in 1946. So, you really should have watched it by now…) Generally, people long to see justice served. A common complaint about my favorite movie, It’s A Wonderful Life, is about the villain, Mr. Potter. He’s an absolutely terrible man the entire film, and although the movie ends with a hopeful message, Mr. Potter has zero consequences. He remains rich and powerful. Audiences were angry about this finale. This sort of ending makes many of us uncomfortable. We want justice.

Thankfully, we serve a God who is perfectly just and dispenses His judgment as He sees fit. We may not always understand His ways, but we can always trust that He loves us and justice will be served.

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

Galatians 6:7

He Will Strengthen You

Along with delivering justice, we know God will strengthen us.

The popular saying is “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That’s not always true, but I believe it is when we mean it about our spiritual trials. A tragic event can leave my body weaker. Too much pizza leaves my body feeling weaker these days…

However, overcoming trials and hurts with Jesus as my Anchor and my Light strengthens my faith and my godly character. He can and will use these hurts for good.

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

1 Peter 5:10

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:31

He Can Carry Your Burdens

Lastly, along with serving justice and strengthening His children, God caries our burdens.

You don’t have to handle the emotional and spiritual load alone. The Lord wants you to come to Him with your problems, worries, fears, and pain. Just like a father comforts his children, God does the same for us.

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

1 Peter 5:7

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

Notice you’ll find rest for your souls. The situation may not be removed immediately. Hurt might still be a part of your life, but God will give you peace and see you through it.

Practical Steps To Take When The Church Hurts

1. Examine yourself.

Before taking any actions regarding what has been done to you, consider yourself. Have you done anything to hurt anyone? If you have, ask for forgiveness. Walk into dealing with your hurt clear of any unrepentant sin and with a clear conscience.

2. Forgive the person who hurt you.

Pray about the person and the situation. God can and will remove any bitterness you have toward the individual. I know that forgiveness can feel impossible, but we are commanded to forgive.

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Ephesians 4:32

3. You can remember.

A common approach to forgiveness is to pair it with forgetting. “Forgive and forget.” That comes with some questionable baggage, though. Sometimes, someone commits a sin so grievous toward another person that to forget it would be dangerous. Forgive, but also acknowledge that sin comes with consequences.

If I say an unkind thing to my friend, then I hope she could see my sorrow and repentance and ultimately forgive me. That sin is usually something two people can happily move on from and not address again if it was a one-time incident.

Conversely, if someone were to commit physical assault or steal from another person, then creating boundaries would be completely appropriate. And those boundaries do not negate forgiveness. They only act as a consequence to behavior that requires a more significant reaction than to hug it out.

So, yes, forgive, but you might need to remember, too.

4. Don’t expect apologies.

In a perfect world, people would apologize every time they did anything wrong. This fallen world, though, is anything but perfect. Apologies are a great bonus, but they are not the prerequisite to forgiveness.

The offender should apologize and ask for forgiveness, but don’t let that person’s disobedience to the Lord dictate whether or not you obey God.

5. (Maybe) bring it to the person.

You can forgive someone without ever addressing it with her. So, pray about whether it’s necessary. For instance, you might have your feelings hurt because a woman from church didn’t thank you for the work you did decorating the fellowship hall. I would argue that does not need to be taken to her to work through. Yes, your feelings were hurt, but she didn’t really sin against you.

There are also times you cannot bring the problem to the offender. For instance, my mother died without ever apologizing to me, and we did not reconcile. I had forgiven her already, but her death revealed more offenses that I needed to forgive. And I did despite the fact that I had no way of addressing the hurts with her.

Also, a church member who hurts you may leave before you two deal with it in person. In that case, you may have no option to contact her. We all need to be willing and able to forgive even when the interaction feels so one-sided.

6. Remember the real enemy.

The Bible calls Satan a Liar (John 8:44) and Accuser (Revelation 12:10). Peter reminds us of Satan’s motives.

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:”

1 Peter 5:8

He’s not seeking unbelievers because he has them already. Our Enemy is looking to harm us, ruin our testimony, lead us to besmirch the name of God, and make us miserable and ineffective Christians. What better way to do these things than pull us apart from the inside and tempt us to refuse to reflect the loving forgiveness of our Savior?

7. Extend grace to others.

Don’t assume the worst about everyone around you and the best about yourself. Most likely, the majority of our perceived offenses are unintentional. Assume that and move on if you can. If you can’t move on, then approach the person who hurt you with an open mind to hear their side. Be kind to them and explain your hurt calmly. Odds are the individual will feel embarrassed and very sorry.

8. Continue to serve.

Lean into the Church and continue to serve faithfully. Love others, pray, encourage those around you, and walk in obedience as you hurt. As you serve, you will draw closer to God, and He will draw closer to you.

Final Thought

Belonging to any community whether it be a family, team, club, or church guarantees you will get hurt at one point or another. Anytime we have close relationships we are vulnerable to being hurt.

The Church does not perfectly represent God, but He is constant and His character is perfect. In every circumstance, even when the Church hurts you, take it to God and lean on Him through it. No other source can refresh, comfort, and strengthen us like He can.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

What tips can you offer for handling church hurts?

Image courtesy of Stefan Kunze via Unsplash.