When An Unsaved Loved One Dies

April 7, 2023

The main speaker at a ladies’ retreat I recently attended gave an excellent message on keeping our focus on eternal things, and among the examples she shared was the story of her sister’s untimely passing. Although devastated, the speaker took comfort in knowing her sister is with the Lord and they will be together again someday. Christians say this a lot to one another when they face loss, but what if an unsaved loved one dies?

Many People Will Be An Unsaved Loved One Who Dies

Those believers who live in a “Christian bubble” don’t always realize how frequently Christians are losing unsaved loved ones. One of the most common responses to death from Christians is that “we’ll all be together in Heaven one day.” The focus on hope is encouraging and often well-received. Even a glass-half-empty person has to admit that there is real comfort in understanding we will see our loved ones again. On the other hand, we might be neglecting the sad reality many of us face.

We Will Have A Reunion With Some Of Our Loved Ones

I want to clarify that we will absolutely see those we lost when we are with the Lord. No one questions that. The caveat to this, though, is that we will not be reunited with the unbelievers we loved when we die.

“We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.”
2 Corinthians 5:8

“But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

“Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
John 3:3

We Might Not See Many People We Have Loved

If I think too hard about it, I feel sick about where unsaved people go when they die. I want to believe that eternal damnation is for the select few I think are really bad. You know the types. I’m talking about Hitler, Stalin, Ted Bundy… But that’s not how any of this works. The Bible is clear on the subject. Not only will there be people thrown in the lake of fire, but the number is going to be very large.

“Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”
Matthew 7:13-14

“Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able.”
Luke 13:23-24

“And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.”
Revelation 20:13-15

Many Believers Love Someone Who Is Not Saved

I’ll be the first to tell you that Christians should seek to form deep friendships with Christians, plug into their local church, and only consider a romantic relationship with believers. Isn’t it only natural to desire to spend time around people who will build you up and encourage you in your walk with the Lord?

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”
2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV)

Nonetheless, most of us have family, friends, or acquaintances who are not Christian. Despite my insistence that we ought to have close relationships with other believers, we must make friends with people who aren’t saved. For one, how would we even function in life without them? Second, they have eternal souls, too, and they need to see Christ in others. We should engage because we truly care about them and because we want them to come to a saving knowledge of Christ, as well.

However, I have known plenty of Christians who didn’t have many interactions with unsaved people, and I found they didn’t understand the depth of grief when an unsaved person died. Sure, maybe they “got it” on an intellectual level, but they couldn’t really empathize.

In my conservative circles, for example, my husband and I have been a bit of a novelty. We’re first-generation believers. I can’t point to anyone in my family and say, “That person is a born-again Christian.” In fact, most of them think saying “born again” is super weird, and my beliefs are insulting to some of them, too. So, although many Christians I know can hold on to the promise of seeing their loves ones again, I currently cannot.

When An Unsaved Loved One Dies: The Hard Reality

My mom died in 2018 from cirrhosis of the liver. It didn’t come as a huge surprise because she had been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. Her death came with added drama because she and I had been estranged for years, and I found out randomly from another relative’s online search for family information. It was terrible.

Because I wasn’t there at the end of her life, I cannot be 100% confident about her spiritual condition when she died. (Really, none of can be completely sure of anyone else’s salvation status.) My mom had professed faith after I was saved, but I had my doubts. Those doubts grew to serious suspicions as the years went on, and finally, she told me she rejected God. Therefore, I must assume my mom died as an unbeliever. I’d be thrilled to discover I am wrong, but I have no reason to think so.

Not long after discovering she had died, I began to have nightmares. I tried not to think about it, but the eternal consequence of my mother’s sins paired with unbelief crept into my thoughts. Usually, I could push them away during the day, but the vivid and horrific images were not so easily ignored in my dreams.

“He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.”
John 3:36

“So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.”
Matthew 13:49-50

“Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:”
Matthew 25:41

I didn’t know how to move on from this loss and the knowledge of what her eternity looked like if she had, in fact, never accepted the Lord. I was already brokenhearted about losing my mom, but the pain of knowing what her eternity could be was unbearable.

How I Felt When My Unsaved Loved One Died

Feelings are not the most important thing. In fact, they can lead us astray in marriage, career, faith, etc. In contrast, feelings are real, God-given, and essential to the human experience. As long as our feelings don’t lead us to sin, I think we should acknowledge them and accept them. We shouldn’t live by our emotions or allow our feelings to take over, but certainly we should allow ourselves time to heal and address those feelings. I’m positive my experience isn’t the blueprint to what a Christian goes through when an unsaved loved one dies, but I highly doubt my experience is out of the norm. Here are the three strongest emotions I dealt with.

Anger

I was so mad when I found out my mother had passed away. Having been estranged for years, I had hoped and prayed for reconciliation. I so badly wanted her to be restored by salvation through Jesus and to celebrate with her when she was finally sober and following Him in her daily life.

I had been a heavy drinker myself, but Christ had taken alcohol from my life when I was saved. My mom’s death left me questioning God. Why save me and make me sober while allowing my mom to drink herself into an early grave while rejecting the One who created her? I don’t deserve salvation any more than she did. It isn’t fair!

This anger was directed at God, myself, and the people in her life who I felt hadn’t “done enough.”

Grief

I recently heard a Christian woman say that she cried in front of coworkers once while experiencing grief. She viewed that instance as a misstep and claimed that the incident hurt her testimony with her coworkers. To that I say, “nonsense!”

I can think of few things that have hurt the Christian testimony more than pretending that everything is great all the time. Trouble comes and so do the “bad” feelings. What kind of a monster would lose her unsaved mother and not feel grief, right? I cried. A lot. I missed my mom, and I missed the relationship we could have had with more time. I still do. And my heart continues to grieve for her soul. I have accepted it, but grief is a process and healing takes time.

When an unsaved loved one dies, we should feel sadness and disappointment that they won’t be with the Lord. We should want everyone to be saved even if the likelihood seems small. It is true that not everyone will be saved, but that doesn’t make the fact that they won’t be any less grievous.

Guilt

Losing an unsaved love one can lead to a whole host of understandable emotions, but the one that I know I didn’t have to feel was guilt. Nevertheless, I was overwhelmed by it. When my mother died I replayed every interaction I could remember having with her after I became a Christian. Had I said enough? Maybe I said too much. Did she ever really hear the gospel? Should I have confronted her about her sin earlier than I did. Then, of course, there was the estrangement. Did I push her away from God because I could no longer tolerate her drunken behavior, manipulation, gaslighting, and hurtful words? Was it selfish? Lord, did I inoculate my mom against the gospel?

Anyone who reads this will have her own opinion. I still don’t know which things I did and said were right and wrong. I know this, though. My mom’s rejection of Jesus is not my fault. Y’all, it took me years to get to that conclusion. “What if…?” Two little words can cause a great deal of turmoil in a grieving daughter. As always, the Word of God helped me process through my pain and guilt.

First, death is imminent. She was going to die, and there was nothing I could do to prevent that.

“And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.”
Hebrews 9:27-28

“Remember how short my time is! For what vanity you have created all the children of man! What man can live and never see death? Who can deliver his soul from the power of Sheol? Selah”
Psalm 89:47-48 (ESV)

Second, we are all sinners who are bound to the same eternal punishment if we don’t have Christ.

“As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:”
Romans 3:10

“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Romans 6:23

“He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.”
John 3:36

Finally, each person is accountable for herself. I cannot save anyone. I couldn’t even save myself! Yes, I can share the gospel, but I can’t make somebody repent and accept Jesus. Moreover, each of us is without excuse because God has made Himself known through creation.

“For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:”
Romans 1:20

When An Unsaved Loved One Dies: God Is Still Good

It would be easy to be angry with God and blame Him for the hurt I feel. I could say He did my mother wrong by not saving her. But God is so good! The unsaved loved ones we lose are given the same consequence of sin that we all deserve. I have to remember that God loves us all so much that He gave us a way to be reconciled to Him. If you don’t know why you need to be saved or how, then please read the italicized section below.

We Can And Should Be Born Again

First, we are never going to be good enough. We cannot work ourselves into Heaven.

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

Romans 3:10 “as it is written: ‘None is righteous, no, not one;”

Second, sin has consequences. There’s no such thing as a sin that’s “small.” If you break one of God’s laws, then it’s as if you’ve broken them all.

Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

James 2:10 “For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it.”

Finally, there is good news for all of us. God sent his Son, Jesus, to take our punishment on the cross. He was buried, and three days later he rose back to life, defeating death. His sacrifice and victory over death means we can live, too! All we need to do is repent (turn away from our sin and toward Christ) and believe in Jesus.

Romans 5:8 “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

John 3:16 “’For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

Romans 10:9-10 “because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.”

Acts 3:19 “Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out,”

Romans 10:13 “For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’”

We Have Much To Hope For In The Future

This world is cursed and fallen thanks to sin, but I know that God loves me. He gave His only Son so that I could be saved. He is righteous and can only do good. I can trust He is doing right all the time even when things seem wrong to my finite human eyes.

“For the Lord is righteous; he loves righteous deeds; the upright shall behold his face.”
Psalm 11:7 (ESV)

“Far be it from you to do such a thing, to put the righteous to death with the wicked, so that the righteous fare as the wicked! Far be that from you! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do what is just?”
Genesis 18:25 (ESV)

“The Lord is righteous in all his ways, and holy in all his works. The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth. He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them. The Lord preserveth all them that love him: but all the wicked will he destroy.”
Psalm 145:17-21

Also, in the light of eternity, the hurts of my life are only a blip and not nearly as significant as they seem to me. However, God still has mercy on us and offers hope for the future. These pains, struggles, and hurts will come to an end. He will take away all our pain.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.”
John 16:20-22

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
Revelation 21:4

God is still good. Consequences for sin and the pain we feel don’t take away His enduring love for us. He has gifted us with so much more than we could ever earn or deserve. Even in heartache, we can rejoice in Him. With tear-streaked faces, we can offer thanks for all He has given. We can. We should.

Final Thought

Christian, celebrate and be encouraged when a believer joins the Lord. She has simply gone home and will see you again. But don’t forget that not every death a believer deals with has such a happy ending. When an unsaved loved one dies, the ones left behind are hurting in a way words can barely begin to express. They may be forever changed by the loss. I know I am.

If you take away anything right now, just know that God sees your pain and takes no joy in your suffering. He has offered hope, love, and comfort beyond measure, and you can rest in the Lord until seeing Him face-to-face.

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“Let, I pray thee, thy merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to thy word unto thy servant.”
Psalm 119:76

What are your thoughts on this subject? How can we walk beside those who have lost an unsaved loved one?