What Makes A Good Husband?

I’ve written about marriage in the past, and I usually receive some messages about my luck. No one argues that I am lying about my husband’s good qualities, but some people think he’s an anomaly. Perhaps. However, I’ve met enough quality husbands to suspect my husband isn’t the only good one in the world. Let’s be honest, though. We all know someone (or several someones) who is married to the kind of man who gives you the ick. More than once I’ve left a gathering and thought, “How does she stay married to him?” Why do some husbands make me cringe while others restore my faith in healthy marriages? What makes a good husband?

Buyer Beware

Unfortunately, sometimes men act one way when they’re dating a woman and then reveal their true colors after exchanging vows. Some men are simply deceivers, but I tend to assume most men who hide things about themselves in the dating phase do so because they’re on their best behavior. We all put our best foot forward when we want someone to like us, right?

Women can potentially protect themselves from disappointing marriages, in part, by knowing what they’re looking for, taking off their rose-colored glasses, and acknowledging how badly a marriage can be damaged if their husbands don’t meet their needs. No man will ever be perfect, but expecting imperfection doesn’t mean we must settle for someone who wouldn’t be a good husband. So, before saying “I do” or offering your blessing on your daughter’s nuptials, consider what makes a man a good husband.

Bare Minimum Qualities

We all have distinct needs and preferences, but I’ve come up with what I believe are seven bare minimum qualities a man needs to display in order to get my blessing to marry my daughter. Let’s go through them and see how they compare to what you would look for in a good husband.

A Good Husband Is Attractive

That’s right. I’m going to start with the “worst” one. We’re not supposed to say what people look like matters, but it does. If you saw me right now, you’d be appalled that I’m saying this. Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, and I’m doing my best impression of a bridge troll right now.

What can I say? Not every moment is going to be our best, but even so, our appearance will play a role in our marriages. There’s good news for those of us who received a smaller dose of physical beauty, though. We need to be attractive to our spouses, not be the most attractive. So, your husband may not be Henry Cavill, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to him. On the other hand, I strongly discourage marrying someone that you hope you’ll be attracted to someday. Marriage isn’t solely based on physical connection, but physical intimacy is what elevates a relationship from friends to spouses. If you want a roommate, don’t get married. If you want to be a wife, then marry a many you are attracted to.

We all change, of course, over time, and our looks fade. But thankfully, looks aren’t what keep the fires lit over decades of marriage. A good husband will take notice of what you find attractive and unattractive and act accordingly. I can’t help but give a little side eye to husbands who continue to do things that turn their wives off, treat their brides harshly, or behave with a lack of care. An attractive husband will love his wife, care for her, and treat her as if she is the most important person in his life…because she is.

Someone might be a “good man,” but if you aren’t attracted to him and can’t imagine him treating you in a way that will endear you to him even more over time, he won’t be a good husband for you.

A Good Husband Is A Friend

Most of my friends before I came to Christ were men, and I was often the only woman in the group. We’d go out to bars or have poker nights, and I’d be the token female amongst them. A lot of them saw me as the exception because I was one of the guys. Females and girlfriends were one entity and friends were another. A romantic connection (or possible one) negated the possibility of friendship in their eyes. That meant I usually knew more about these guys and was closer to them in many ways than their own girlfriends.

Now, there’s a lot to unpack here. I shouldn’t have been close friends with these men, and my lifestyle, overall, was rooted in sin. However, this was before my salvation, and I have since come to understand the error of my ways and repented long ago for it. On the other hand, I learned from my previous life, too. One such lesson was that girlfriends don’t like boundaries that push them away from friendship with their partners. It led to jealousy, mistrust, and a dissatisfying relationship. Also, men and women who form strong friendships are in danger of becoming very close. Too close.

In a marriage, your husband should be your friend. I’d argue he ought to be your best friend. If a husband and wife are to become one flesh (Genesis 2:24), then a deep and meaningful friendship should be a given. Friendship also strengthens the bonds between husband and wife. My marriage isn’t perfect, but we’re over fifteen years into this thing and I can still talk to and laugh with my husband into the wee hours of the night. (I mean, we regret that because our kids want us to, like, feed them in the morning. But we enjoy it at the time.)

A good husband should see you as someone he wants to come to with the best and worst in his life. As his partner, you should be by his side because you want to be there and because he wouldn’t want anyone else there.

A Good Husband Is A Leader

Men don’t seem to do much leading these days, but leadership is an essential quality of a good husband. If the head of your home can’t take charge, then your home is going to lose its way. Some of the most dysfunctional homes are those with the wife calling all the shots and the husband taking a backseat in the marriage.

This topic can lead to strong opinions and massive disagreements. So, I’d like to clarify, before anyone assumes the worst, that leadership is not abusive, selfish, or unyielding. Successful leadership includes looking at what is best for the entire family, compromise within the home, and delegation. My husband is the head of my home, but he doesn’t micromanage or attempt to be involved in every aspect of our home. He delegates according to our strengths and weaknesses, and important decisions are made together as a team.

A good husband takes charge as his wife’s protector and provider, and leadership is a key aspect of this quality.

A Good Husband Communicates

Ask any married couple to tell you the key to a successful marriage and they’ll almost always say, “communication.” Ladies, sometimes we try to communicate so much that our husbands don’t hear us anymore. Keep in mind that talking isn’t necessarily communicating.

Men, as opposed to women, tend to say less. Before you get upset about my stereotyping, please understand that I’m not making this up. Study after study reports that women simply say more words on a daily basis. But I’m not concerned about word count. Instead, I’m focused on what husbands and wives are sharing with one another.

Husbands can get so focused on action that they ultimately neglect the interpersonal facet of marriage. He works hard to provide and feels satisfied that he is a good husband, but it doesn’t build a strong connection. A good husband tells you how he feels, what he needs, and lets you in when he’s working through hard things. Otherwise, the only intimacy you have is physical, and that isn’t enough to build deep bonds that hold strong in tough times. It also doesn’t allow you to be the best wife you can be because you won’t know him well enough to be his helpmeet (Genesis 2:18).

A Good Husband Is Your Biggest Fan

Your man should cheer you on and root for you to succeed. I shouldn’t have to say this, but it seems like a lot of wives out there feel like their husbands are more likely to cast doubt and discourage them than to support their goals.

Do these husbands feel threatened? Are they worried their wives may be pulled away from other duties? Do they just prefer their wives not pursue any personal interests or areas of growth. I don’t know, but I have no doubt that women need to know their husbands believe in them. And good husbands do just that.

A Good Husband Loves Sacrificially

Everything up until now has been the easy stuff. Kind of. But this is when the task of being a good husband becomes nearly impossible. Husbands must rely on Christ for everything in their marriages, but they might be able to fake it in some areas of married life. To live sacrificially, however, is to imitate Christ’s love for the Church, and it cannot be done without Him.

Straight From The Word Of God

“Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.”

Ephesians 5:1-2

These verses are for all believers, not just husbands. We’re told to follow Jesus and love as He loved us, but notice which of His acts is specifically mentioned. He gave Himself for us as a sacrifice. We should love like that. We see this elsewhere.

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”

Romans 12:1

Again, all Christians are called to be a living sacrifice. Our lives are not our own, and we are called to sacrificially live in service to God. But we see husbands given more direction on this topic in Ephesians 5.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” (emphasis mine)

Ephesians 5:25-30 (ESV)

In these few verses we see the call for husbands is sky high. Love their wives as Christ loved the church?! Care for their wives as they would their own bodies?! That is no small undertaking, and our husbands aren’t going to ever perfect this. So, don’t expect your husband to flawlessly love you like Christ. On the other hand, expect a good husband to strive to live out sacrificial love.

A Good Husband Has A Strong Relationship With Christ

This is the most important aspect of any good husband. He must have a saving knowledge of the Lord. Certainly, an unsaved husband can provide his wife with a lovely marriage, but Christ will always be absent from that union. At best, he will accept his Christian wife is committed to her faith, but the worst-case scenario is that he’ll be combative about Christianity.

Ladies, we want partners to help us grow in our faith, to raise children in the admonition of the Lord with us, and to have the same hope in Christ. If my husband leaves Earth before I do, in my grief I will also rejoice in knowing He is with the Lord. There will be comfort in knowing I will see him again one day, but there is no such comfort when one’s husband isn’t a believer. I can testify to the heartbreak of losing a loved one and feeling certain their eternity is anguish.

Straight From The Word Of God Again

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”

2 Corinthians 6:14

This seems straight forward to me. Don’t yoke (that is, join together) with an unbeliever. What can be more joined together than being joined in marriage? This isn’t the only place we see this idea, though.

“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.”

Psalm 1

Ladies, whose influence and counsel are you consistently under as a married woman? That’s right, your husband is your partner in this life, and his influence and guidance will play a large role in your life. Yet, God blesses those of us who do not seek out unbelievers but lean on the Word of God instead. And to marry a man who doesn’t know the Lord is an outright rejection of God’s instructions.

“When the Lord thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than thou; And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them: Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.” (emphasis mine)

Deuteronomy 7:1-4

This is just one example from the Old Testament of God’s instructions for Israel to not marry outside of their own people. He warns that those who do not follow the true God will pull those who do away from Him. And we see this again and again in the Old Testament. Israel turns from God and falls under the influence of the paganism around them brought in by the people they married. Then, Israel reaches a point of desperation and calls out to God. They rededicate to Him, and He rescues them. But then…

The cycle never seems to end. Every time the Jews marry those who follow false gods, they inevitably turn their backs on the Lord again. Friends, this is true today for believers, as well.

A good husband will be a born-again Christian who is growing in his faith and who encourages you in your growth, as well.

Final Thought

No one is perfect, and I don’t recommend approaching dating or courtship with a laundry list of things a man must do to be good enough. At the same time, the most important decision you will ever make (unrelated to salvation) is who to marry. He will greatly impact the direction of your life, the spiritual impact of your home on your children, and he will help or hinder your walk with Jesus. Go into marriage with your eyes wide open, and don’t marry someone if you can only see him being a good enough husband.

What do you think Christian women should look for in a good husband?

Image courtesy of Dan Formsma via Unsplash.