We All Need Godly Grandparents

Grandparents have been under heavy criticism in recent years due to significant changes in parenting styles. There are expectations for grandparents that didn’t apply to past generations. Parents dropped their kids off at grandparents’ houses for weeks at a time with no instructions or rules when I was young. Today, however, parents have much more to say about how grandparents interact with their grandchildren. Predictably, friction abounds. More importantly, relationships are broken. As a result, too many grandparents are pushed away and rejected. Why are so many of us raising children as if grandparents aren’t a blessing? Christians, can’t we agree that we all need godly grandparents?

Parents Vs. Grandparents

What does grandma want to do when she sees her grandchildren? Spoil them! I can’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve heard a grandparent talk about giving the grandkids toys and treats. It’s also not uncommon for the grandparents to admit, even brag, that they were told not to overindulge in sweets and that more toys are a hindrance rather than a help. I understand the heart here, but what about the actual parents?

Modern parents have grown up with much more information about what is and is not good for children than previous generations. (This can be a blessing and a curse.) They also have their own personal baggage, I’m sure. I am one of these parents. My husband and I are much more hands-on in our parenting than we experienced as children, and we want to be respected as parents. On the other hand, we can see the value in our children having relationships with their grandparents. So, we’ve done what we can, despite the distance and hectic schedule that comes with pastoral ministry, to encourage grandparent-grandchild relationships.

When grandparents don’t honor parents’ rules and authority, though, it becomes much more difficult to include grandma and grandpa. No parent wants to be caught up in a power struggle with grandparents. The fact of the matter is some families have delicate relationships and both sides need to carefully communicate and work hard at maintaining a healthy dynamic. As a Christian, the most difficult incongruence to navigate is nonbelieving grandparents.

When You Have Grandparents Instead Of Godly Grandparents.

I have written about my mom in the past. She died in January of 2018. She chose to die alone, telling everyone she had no children. My mom was angry at me for creating boundaries because of her alcoholism, and she eventually denied Christ in one of her angry messages to me. She could never be a godly example or encouragement to my children. Meanwhile, my kids certainly needed more godly influences in their lives.

Is that the grandmother my children deserved, needed, or should have had to endure? No, but sadly for my children, that was the grandma they had. (There are others, but we don’t need to climb my entire family tree today.) Maintaining a safe and healthy relationship with my mother was never possible.

I have wonderful news for my children, though. In fact, it’s fantastic news for every believer. Blood isn’t a necessary criteria for someone to be a grandparent figure in another person’s life. Much like we find mother figures in those around us, we can also find grandparents in our community. For Christians, I’m mostly referring to the church community.

My husband and I live far away from both of our families, so we are raising our kids without that built-in family village upon which many people rely. Thankfully, God has given us a church filled with godly people who love our family. Our children have “church grandparents” and “church aunts and uncles.”

Even I, a woman in my 20’s 30’s 40’s, has found women in the church whom I view as mother and grandmother figures. Our need for godly grandparents doesn’t end when we turn eighteen, you guys.

Cutting Ties

Finding unrelated people to be godly grandparent figures in your family isn’t an excuse or permission to cut off blood-related grandparents, but it does give you the opportunity to breathe a little easier in the knowledge that your children don’t have to miss out on godly grandparents.

On the other hand, are there times when separating from grandparents may be the best course of action? Yes, of course. I just think that is much less necessary than a lot of young families seem to think it is. We all have differences, and no one is perfect or exactly who we want them to be. That is a given. The real concern should be, “Is this person a danger or truly harmful to my family and me?” If all you can come up with is that the person in question is annoying or isn’t your favorite person to be around, you should seriously consider maintaining the relationship for your children’s sake.

A Godly Grandparent’s Responsibilities

Whether you are a grandparent or a Christian in search of people to fill the role of a godly grandparent, you need to know what responsibilities are involved in the relationship. What? Grandparents have responsibilities? Yup! Believe it or not, being a grandparent isn’t about junk food, special trips, and grandma sweaters. Although, it can certainly include all that…and some candy!

1. Teaching grandkids about the Lord

Grandparents aren’t meant to be the primary source of a child’s education. The parents are tasked with bringing up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). Grandparents, though, can and should be an additional source in biblical teaching.

This is actually quite easy. Grandparents can tell Bible stories, attend church with the family, pray together, share their testimonies, etc. Whether near or far, there is almost always some way to influence the younger generation for Christ.

2. Praying

Pray for those grandbabies! Moms and dads, tell your parents how they can pray for your children and your family. Yes, your family, too. Godly grandparents don’t just pray for their grandchildren. They also pray for their children’s marriage and spiritual walk. If those aren’t healthy, the entire family is affected.

3. Supporting the parents

Supporting parents will look different from family to family. Some adult children rely heavily on their parents’ advice and wisdom. Meanwhile, there are some of us who have a much stronger independent streak. Grandparents must find how they can best support their children, and that might look like less involvement than they imagined.

Some grandparents are hurt, offended, or feel rejected when their children don’t lean on them as much as they had hoped. As I get older, I am hearing more women discuss their future lives as grandmothers. They are so excited, and many of them have expectations for what that will look like. All too often, they assume what their relationship will look like with their grandchildren, but their children have a different, and assumed, vision, as well.

Parents, be clear about your needs and expectations. Be respectful. And don’t forget that your children’s grandparents can be a wonderful addition to your family. Find ways to include them and make that relationship special.

Grandparents, manage your expectations. You aren’t the parents, and that means you don’t get the final say in these children’s lives. Rather than bully your way into things, be an encourager. Sure, your kids won’t always make the best parenting choices. Neither did you. Let them learn and create the family they want. All that said, always make your desires known. You can’t build the relationship you want all by yourself.

Final Thought

As our culture changes, families change right along with it. Nuclear families have become more independent and less involved with extended family. Children don’t just move across town; they move across the country. Not to mention, online resources have changed how we parent at an unprecedented rate. Where do grandparents fit in?

More than ever, we need to plan ways and make room in our lives for children to build relationships with grandparents. However, mom and dad, you have the right to choose the influences you want around your children. Build a community of people who will influence your children for Christ. Are your children’s grandparents simply not spiritual examples? Find godly grandparents to fill in the gaps. There are plenty of mature believers waiting to come alongside other Christian families. Let them.

How are you keeping godly grandparents involved in your children’s lives? What advice do you have for families struggling in this area?

Image courtesy of Ekaterina Shakharova via Unsplash.