Ministering To Others: When Your Relationship Is Complicated

I am very open about my family relationships being complicated. My mom’s alcoholism, my parents’ divorce, and being the first one in my family to be a born-again Christian can make things awkward. In the midst of awkwardness, unresolved issues, and hurt, though, there are opportunities for ministering to others. Doing it well, on the other hand, that’s complicated, and I’m still figuring it out.

My Complicated Real-Life Example

Recently, my stepfamily lost a close member of the family. The death was sudden and seems to have been unexpected. The family is devastated, and my stepfamily is entering the Christmas season with broken hearts.

I was not close to the individual who passed away, but I knew her and thought she was kind, funny, energetic, and impressively creative. She was always someone I enjoyed being around, and I’m sad she’s gone. But I hurt most from the pain others are in right now.

This doesn’t sound complicated, right? Just sad. Well, aside from my dad and stepmom, I haven’t seen most of my stepfamily since my wedding day. I became a Christian three months before my wedding, and the radical change in my lifestyle shook nearly everyone who knew me.

For the sake of privacy (and the fact that it isn’t the focus of this post), let’s just say I didn’t know how to express my new faith well. In addition, others did not know how to receive what I was saying or interpret my new behavior. Each side ended up hurting the other’s feelings.

After years, the relationship I have with my stepfamily has thawed, but nothing has been resolved. Not helping the cause is the fact that I don’t live near any of that family, and I tend to disappear into my daily life rather than reach out. Consequently, there’s still “stuff” …out there.

So, the question was, “Do I go to the memorial service or skip it?” After prayer and talking to my husband about it, we have decided that I should go.

How I Plan To Approach Ministry In My Complicated Relationships

1. Ministering To Others: Show Up

My first thought was, “They’ll be mad if I come to this memorial service.” I certainly don’t want to make an already difficult time harder with my presence. Then, I considered how it might make my stepfamily feel if I just didn’t show up. I knew I wanted to go, but I started creating a narrative of the event based on my fears, self-preservation, and a general avoidance of uncomfortable situations.

How might they feel if I show up? What if I drive the distance to be there and just show through my attendance that I care to honor this woman’s life and mourn with them?

I’m convinced that people literally just being there can be an incredible comfort during hard times. My grandfather’s funeral had plenty of people who came to support and encourage my family. I remember that really touching my heart. In contrast, hardly anyone attended my grandmother’s funeral, and the low attendance made the entire day feel more depressing and as if her life didn’t mean anything to anyone else.

With all that in mind, I’m going to show up and be there for them.

2. Ministering To Others: Listen

It is quite possible that I will sit at this memorial service alone and in silence. I won’t know a lot of people, I’m socially awkward in large groups, and I’m not a member of the immediate family. However, I doubt my time there will play out like that. I’m sure members of my stepfamily will talk to me, and I will have a chance to practice one of my lesser used skills: listening.

I like to talk, offer advice, and solve problems. Those tactics all have their time and place, but none of these things are listening. Ministering to others is often depicted as action and big acts of service, but it can also be silence. Sometimes, all someone needs is an opportunity to tell her story. She wants to know someone will listen to her and care about what she says.

Can I be brutally honest? My mouth played a large role in making my relationship to my stepfamily complicated, so keeping it shut and offering an ear is probably good for ministry and not making things worse.

3. Ministering To Others: Allow It To Be Awkward

Complicated relationships go hand in hand with awkwardness. Ministering to others when it’s still weird between each other is going to feel awkward. So, let it be that way. Frankly, ministering to anyone who is hurting or mourning will have some level of awkwardness. Expect it and move on.

Oh, and let me offer a little tip from someone who has tried to make awkward situations less awkward by talking too much, adding unappreciated levity, controlling the conversation, never allowing breaks in the conversation, etc. It doesn’t work, and the situation only feels weirder.

4. Ministering To Others: It’s Not About Me

It’s easy to come into a scenario like this and unintentionally make it about yourself. Depending on what has made the relationship complicated, you might end up trying to address it in the moment. It might go like this:

The two of you have had a contentious past, but you have laid that aside to support this individual in her hour of need. You’ve shown up and listened. The awkwardness has come and gone, and now you two are having a great conversation. She can see how much you care and want to be there for her. So you think to yourself, “This is the perfect time to bring up the terrible things I said to her four years ago. We can probably hammer that out before I head home tonight.”

Now, you’ve turned ministering to others into a YOU thing. You want to take care of unresolved issues (great!), but this isn’t the time for that. Whether it’s true or not, your ministry to her now looks like it was operating with a self-serving agenda. Unless she brings your issues up, focus on her needs.

5. Ministering To Others: Be Vulnerable

In my case, I’m going to a memorial service. There are going to be all kinds of feelings. I don’t excel at this. If you cry, then I’ll cry. But I’m super likely to ugly cry and completely lose it. So, I’d rather put up a wall.

What’s the problem? People know when you are holding back and not being honest. They can sense it, and it makes you appear deceptive. Be transparent about how you feel and why you’re there for them. Be yourself rather than presenting a representative version of yourself.

6. Ministering To Others: Don’t Expect Resolutions

So, you take the leap and decide to put yourself out there in a potentially uncomfortable situation to come alongside someone you care about, despite the complicated relationship you two share. Perhaps, somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re hoping this gesture will lead to a final resolution. Everything will be fixed because you helped, loved, comforted, etc.

Don’t hold your breath.

Ministering to others is not the instant fix you might hope it will be. Remember, this isn’t about you or what you would like to get out of the deal. Ministry is about serving those around us, not ourselves. And one gesture is usually insufficient to repair complicated and damaged relationships.

Don’t lose heart, though, because it is a step in the right direction. Relationships, sadly, can be damaged in an instant but take much more work to repair. It’s all about baby steps. Therefore, minister because you care, and remember that you cannot control anyone’s response to your actions.

I’d love to do one thing correctly and have a fresh start with my stepfamily. How wonderful it would be to erase the unkind words and deeds that litter our past! But that’s a fantasy because what is done is done. For now, I’ll do this one thing which will hopefully take me one step closer to a healthy resolution.

However, if it does nothing to improve our relationship, I’ll still be thankful for the opportunity to show them Christ’s love in this time of need.

Final Thought

In a perfect world, all of our relationships would be happy and healthy. Reality, it seems, can look much different, though. People hurt each other, carry grudges, misunderstand, struggle to share their feelings, and are fearful of difficult conversations. It doesn’t take long for a good relationship to get awfully complicated.

Moreover, complicated relationships scare us away from ministering to others. We doubt our help or presence is wanted, or we wonder if we’ll only make it worse. Christian, fear is not from God. Our God is a God of reconciliation, as we see in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Of course, His will is to have us repair hurt relationships. Not to mention, believers are servants who ought to reach out to others for Christ’s sake.

You have no excuse to avoid ministering to people because you have some a lot of relational baggage. I have no excuse, either. So, ladies, let’s take a deep breath and minister to others, no matter how complicated it might be.

What tips do you have for ministering to the people with whom you have a complicated relationship?

Image courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash.